[Eren feels a thrill in his chest, as if he were suddenly standing on a precipice, about to jump off and fly. He nods, breathless, though it doesn't show. Every time he thinks about their empty world, all he can think is that he wants to die faster--
[Get there faster...
[They'll be the end of everything.]
That's right. When you're ready, we'll go. We can look at the sky there too.
[ No telling whether Eren's talking about their empty world, or simply their camping spot here. Perhaps both. Maruki's heart aches for it, but it's not painful. Not at all.
They stay in the hot springs for a while longer – as long as Maruki can stand it, though he's light-headed and dizzy when they do get out and has to wait before they set off. He tells Eren about bath houses back home while they walk, and the onsen too, and how you wouldn't think that a glass of milk is perfect after such an experience, but it really is...
They could talk forever, about everything, about nothing. Maruki doesn't think he's led a particularly rich life, but he somehow knows he'll never run out of things to tell Eren.
In the crystal clearing where Eren set everything up earlier in the day, Maruki flops down immediately onto his overstuffed bedroll, heaving a huge sigh. He should probably help to make a fire, or... whatever else one does while camping, but– ]
I'm too relaxed after all of that. I don't think I'm going to move the rest of the night.
[Eren glances over his shoulder from where he's preparing firewood.]
Hm? You're not going to help me?
[With anyone else, he'd certainly sound annoyed, but with Maruki, the words are so fond - it's impossible to deny even in his subdued voice. He arranges the wood into a pattern he learned back when he was a cadet, good for long, small fires. He uses flint to get it started, just like someone from Maruki's time would probably see in the movies.]
You're being lazy.
[Also fond - terribly, terribly fond, and terribly, terribly warm.]
[ And from anyone else, those words – annoyed or fond or anything in between – would have Maruki springing up to his feet, apologizing, offering to help in whatever way he can, even if it's something he's as useless at as basic survival skills.
Here, though, he only rolls onto his stomach, props his chin up on his folded arms and watches with a smile. ]
Am I? I seem to recall you being very insistent that I take a break once the disease cleared up. Are you going back on that now?
[It's become more common for a brief flash of emotion to cross over Eren's face when he's with Maruki - not just once or twice, but as they talk. Wanting to cry so badly that your lips pull down for half a second is the most Eren had for a long time. Now, he might be confused, or amused, or annoyed, or thoughtful - and it's only the smallest half-of-a-handful of people who get to see it, even fewer who actually notice.
[To that end, a curious look appears. He comes to lie by Maruki, immediately stretching out on his side. He props his head up on his hand.]
[ Maruki's ribs squeeze with a powerful affection as Eren settles down and looks at him like that. ]
The hot water diverts your blood flow away from your digestive system, so it's easy to get nauseated or dizzy if you eat too quickly or too heavy of a meal afterwards. It's best to have something light and hydrating.
[ He reaches up, pokes a finger against Eren's cheek to draw one corner of his lips up. ]
Lately, sometimes you really do look like your younger self.
[Some pain pulls his brow down beneath Maruki's touch. His mouth is shut tight, and for a minute, he's worried he might start to feel roots in his throat again. Seems that's over now...
[It's Maruki, so he'll say how he feels anyway.]
You say that. But. You're still talking about us like we're two separate people. Even if you don't really mean it, that's just how it feels, right?
That's how everyone feels...
[They lost the Eren they loved, and they were left with this one as the only remaining option.]
[Eren breathes, and his arm slips down under him, heading laying flat against it. He keeps his eyes on his Other. He wants to say he doesn't know, but he's always tried to answer when Maruki asks him how he feels.]
I feel the same. But no one recognizes me anymore.
Like everyone thinks I died four years ago, and someone else took my place. But I didn't.
I lie too well. It's not just that, though. They saw what they wanted to see. It's easier to believe I changed than to accept I've always been a disappointment.
[ Eren lays his head down, and Maruki follows, both of them curled onto their sides to look at one another. He strokes his fingers through Eren's hair, methodical, and considers it. ]
Do you remember the first night back after you returned? When you came to stay over at the machiya...
You told me that you weren't the same. I didn't want to argue with you at the time, so I tried to redirect that by telling you all that matters is that you're you.
[ Fingertips trace the delicate shell of Eren's ear. There are places still where he's just as fragile and human as anyone. Most aren't visible, and few seem to consider them. ]
But you are the same. You've grown up, and things have happened to you, but I've never felt like you were a different person. You always were you, and you always will be. If people don't see that, Eren...
[ It's an old ember of anger that lives deep in his soul. He can't breathe life into it. He already holds so much against people who will never understand Eren as he does. ]
It's not fair to you, but their perception of you is their own responsibility. It's their loss.
[It strikes him more deeply than he would have guessed it might. Maruki still sees Eren, the friend he met in a dream. He's different now, but so is Maruki, without four years time to credit. Eren feels like he could cry, and that feeling is so familiar, that he surely must be the same person. He still watches the sky. He still wants his mother.]
It doesn't matter.
[Eren's voice is tight. His hand reaches up and tangles with the one Maruki has in his hair. He brings it down between them, grip pulsing.]
They haven't let go. They won't. Even when I wanted them to.
So, it doesn't matter.
[This isn't about them, anyway.]
We don't have to talk about it anymore. You're here...
It makes sense...you'd see me clearer than anyone.
[ They haven't let go, but that doesn't mean they're holding on in the right way. ]
It was never hard, when you were younger or when you returned this time. I don't mean to disparage anyone, but I want you to understand... you're not a difficult person to see, Eren.
[ Maruki squeezes Eren's hand back, uses it to tug him closer. ]
[He shifts closer when he's pulled closer. When he speaks, his voice is quiet enough to suit what very little space lies between them - and it's miserable.]
I'm supposed to be. That's the point. [His voice cracks on that word - "point".
[His world is a red ocean, so what's the "point" anymore, anyway?]
[ Well, what is there to say to that? Maruki can resent them all he wants for not seeing Eren properly, but he's also aware Eren has done all he can to ensure that's the case. It cuts both ways, and in the end, Eren suffers for it. He just wants to be known, like anyone else does. ]
Would it help if I pointed out all the other times I see that younger you shining through, or do you want me to stop?
[ Normally, Maruki might press him to keep talking about it, but– he hears that warmth edging into Eren's voice, and he wants to take hold of it. It's supposed to be a nice night. They've had a rough few weeks...
He tilts his head into Eren's touch, hums thoughtfully. ]
I suppose we're both biased. Or unbiased, as the case may be! It fits, though, you're right.
[ They're close, and Maruki only wants to be closer. He tucks himself against Eren, thunks their foreheads together. ]
I know you don't want to celebrate your birthday, but will you keep the day clear for me?
[Eren feels his heart skip, his face heat, and it's not because of Maruki's closeness. He hadn't allowed himself to want anything for his birthday, but if there was one thing, it was to do something with Maruki - or, in all honesty, the idea Maruki might do something for him. It feels pitiful to admit...
[He can't nod with their foreheads pressed together like this. He kisses the tip of Maruki's nose.]
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I would. For Mikasa.
[Green eyes ease over to Maruki.]
For you.
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Let's hope it never comes to that.
[ Maybe, in some reality, it's already happening. ]
Do you still want to camp after this?
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There could be a pair of you and I right now, meeting just like that. It almost feels true...
[But...anyway...]
Of course I do. We brought everything we need. You're not changing your mind, are you?
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[ ... he does kind of want his huge comfortable bed now that all his muscles are liquefied in the hot springs BUT– ]
Besides, it's good practice, right?
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[Get there faster...
[They'll be the end of everything.]
That's right. When you're ready, we'll go. We can look at the sky there too.
stop using that icon.........
They stay in the hot springs for a while longer – as long as Maruki can stand it, though he's light-headed and dizzy when they do get out and has to wait before they set off. He tells Eren about bath houses back home while they walk, and the onsen too, and how you wouldn't think that a glass of milk is perfect after such an experience, but it really is...
They could talk forever, about everything, about nothing. Maruki doesn't think he's led a particularly rich life, but he somehow knows he'll never run out of things to tell Eren.
In the crystal clearing where Eren set everything up earlier in the day, Maruki flops down immediately onto his overstuffed bedroll, heaving a huge sigh. He should probably help to make a fire, or... whatever else one does while camping, but– ]
I'm too relaxed after all of that. I don't think I'm going to move the rest of the night.
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE
Hm? You're not going to help me?
[With anyone else, he'd certainly sound annoyed, but with Maruki, the words are so fond - it's impossible to deny even in his subdued voice. He arranges the wood into a pattern he learned back when he was a cadet, good for long, small fires. He uses flint to get it started, just like someone from Maruki's time would probably see in the movies.]
You're being lazy.
[Also fond - terribly, terribly fond, and terribly, terribly warm.]
die die die die die
Here, though, he only rolls onto his stomach, props his chin up on his folded arms and watches with a smile. ]
Am I? I seem to recall you being very insistent that I take a break once the disease cleared up. Are you going back on that now?
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[That warmth in his voice endures, and his back is turned on Maruki now, and he thinks he might be smiling into the fire as it flickers to life.]
I don't want you to do a single thing.
[And he doesn't want to do much either. They ate before coming to the hot springs. Now, he really just wants to get close, but...
[Eren glances over his shoulder.]
Are you hungry?
[That's what matters, anyway. He's always made sure Maruki had something to eat.]
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[ Lessons with Dr. Maruki, Onsen Expert!
But he understands why Eren is asking, so– ]
I'm well cared for, Eren. I promise. Come here.
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[To that end, a curious look appears. He comes to lie by Maruki, immediately stretching out on his side. He props his head up on his hand.]
Why's it bad to eat after using a hot spring?
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The hot water diverts your blood flow away from your digestive system, so it's easy to get nauseated or dizzy if you eat too quickly or too heavy of a meal afterwards. It's best to have something light and hydrating.
[ He reaches up, pokes a finger against Eren's cheek to draw one corner of his lips up. ]
Lately, sometimes you really do look like your younger self.
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What do you mean...?
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You're more expressive and curious, and I see how he still shines through you. You never lost that, Eren.
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[It's Maruki, so he'll say how he feels anyway.]
You say that. But. You're still talking about us like we're two separate people. Even if you don't really mean it, that's just how it feels, right?
That's how everyone feels...
[They lost the Eren they loved, and they were left with this one as the only remaining option.]
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How does it feel to you?
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I feel the same. But no one recognizes me anymore.
Like everyone thinks I died four years ago, and someone else took my place. But I didn't.
I lie too well. It's not just that, though. They saw what they wanted to see. It's easier to believe I changed than to accept I've always been a disappointment.
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Do you remember the first night back after you returned? When you came to stay over at the machiya...
You told me that you weren't the same. I didn't want to argue with you at the time, so I tried to redirect that by telling you all that matters is that you're you.
[ Fingertips trace the delicate shell of Eren's ear. There are places still where he's just as fragile and human as anyone. Most aren't visible, and few seem to consider them. ]
But you are the same. You've grown up, and things have happened to you, but I've never felt like you were a different person. You always were you, and you always will be. If people don't see that, Eren...
[ It's an old ember of anger that lives deep in his soul. He can't breathe life into it. He already holds so much against people who will never understand Eren as he does. ]
It's not fair to you, but their perception of you is their own responsibility. It's their loss.
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It doesn't matter.
[Eren's voice is tight. His hand reaches up and tangles with the one Maruki has in his hair. He brings it down between them, grip pulsing.]
They haven't let go. They won't. Even when I wanted them to.
So, it doesn't matter.
[This isn't about them, anyway.]
We don't have to talk about it anymore. You're here...
It makes sense...you'd see me clearer than anyone.
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It was never hard, when you were younger or when you returned this time. I don't mean to disparage anyone, but I want you to understand... you're not a difficult person to see, Eren.
[ Maruki squeezes Eren's hand back, uses it to tug him closer. ]
That's all I'll say.
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I'm supposed to be. That's the point. [His voice cracks on that word - "point".
[His world is a red ocean, so what's the "point" anymore, anyway?]
I don't know...
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Would it help if I pointed out all the other times I see that younger you shining through, or do you want me to stop?
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[His voice sounds so odd, still strained like he's going to cry, but warming as his focus shifts to Maruki.
[He tucks hair away from the rim of the man's glasses.]
You're different. I've always been "Eren" to you. That's all.
You're Maruki. It fits...
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He tilts his head into Eren's touch, hums thoughtfully. ]
I suppose we're both biased. Or unbiased, as the case may be! It fits, though, you're right.
[ They're close, and Maruki only wants to be closer. He tucks himself against Eren, thunks their foreheads together. ]
I know you don't want to celebrate your birthday, but will you keep the day clear for me?
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[He can't nod with their foreheads pressed together like this. He kisses the tip of Maruki's nose.]
Yeah. That's what I want.
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1/2
2/2 yeah this is happening...
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