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[ In a dream office, seated on his desk watching an unfamiliar face lingering near the doorway–
Across a dinner table, taking notes and teaching him to breathe–
On the edges of the woods, a bird perched on his shoulder–
In a dream once more, shielded from destruction by bones and unshakeable resolve–
Side by side on the floor of his office, a meal from another reality spread out before them and an attempt made to cross a bridge he couldn't yet let form–
Leaning back against the couch, the last true smile he ever saw on his friend's face–
Facing one another like a standoff, begging to be set free–
Sat on the castle couch, sobbing in his arms–
Posing together for a camera, after an admission he never thought he'd begin to make–
Pacing around the office, hard truths honestly stated–
In a circle of lantern light, souls bared–
Sprawled out in the grass, maybe you're just me from another reality, maybe I'm you–
Napping together beneath the tree, just the first time of many–
At the training grounds, power shared and a plan devised–
With a younger version of him who desperately needed a friend, again and again and again and again and again–
Rushing into battle, heart on fire to save a life–
In the rubble, catharsis shared–
In the labyrinth, powerful and destructive–
Under a cover of darkness, planning for a future once they returned to the past–
Eren is there.
Has always been there.
Has not been there in more than two weeks.
I love you too much and I just can't help but wonder where else I might have met you before and you're one of the most important people there is and I took you to The Paths to say goodbye and you're all I've got and there's nothing anyone could do to make me stop trusting you and I don't need you to save the world and
when we go, we'll go together. ]
I just can't accept that you're really gone.
Across a dinner table, taking notes and teaching him to breathe–
On the edges of the woods, a bird perched on his shoulder–
In a dream once more, shielded from destruction by bones and unshakeable resolve–
Side by side on the floor of his office, a meal from another reality spread out before them and an attempt made to cross a bridge he couldn't yet let form–
Leaning back against the couch, the last true smile he ever saw on his friend's face–
Facing one another like a standoff, begging to be set free–
Sat on the castle couch, sobbing in his arms–
Posing together for a camera, after an admission he never thought he'd begin to make–
Pacing around the office, hard truths honestly stated–
Sprawled out in the grass, maybe you're just me from another reality, maybe I'm you–
Napping together beneath the tree, just the first time of many–
At the training grounds, power shared and a plan devised–
With a younger version of him who desperately needed a friend, again and again and again and again and again–
Rushing into battle, heart on fire to save a life–
In the rubble, catharsis shared–
In the labyrinth, powerful and destructive–
Under a cover of darkness, planning for a future once they returned to the past–
Eren is there.
Has always been there.
Has not been there in more than two weeks.
I love you too much and I just can't help but wonder where else I might have met you before and you're one of the most important people there is and I took you to The Paths to say goodbye and you're all I've got and there's nothing anyone could do to make me stop trusting you and I don't need you to save the world and
I just can't accept that you're really gone.
Edited 2024-10-01 02:08 (UTC)
10/01 reunion umbrella wheeee - usual CWs apply to all these links I ain't doin all that
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abandonhumanity
2024-10-01 06:08 am (UTC)(link)
[He blinked at sixteen, and found himself everywhere.
[In a titan's mouth, but it was cut open.
[In some office somewhere, he was talking to his brother, or maybe his best friend; one uses a bow, and one wears a bow. That kid seems too young for his age; Eren cared for him.
[He recalls a wedding, but not like he expected; recalls his father, and how he devoured him. There was a man he hated more than anything, longed for more than anything. Stories of a would-be god, who was trapped for thousands of years; they follow Eren around.
[A cliffside under the stars, and rubble; training grounds, and a farm. A tree.
[A vow.
[He knows exactly where to go.]
[In a titan's mouth, but it was cut open.
[In some office somewhere, he was talking to his brother, or maybe his best friend; one uses a bow, and one wears a bow. That kid seems too young for his age; Eren cared for him.
[He recalls a wedding, but not like he expected; recalls his father, and how he devoured him. There was a man he hated more than anything, longed for more than anything. Stories of a would-be god, who was trapped for thousands of years; they follow Eren around.
[A cliffside under the stars, and rubble; training grounds, and a farm. A tree.
[A vow.
[He knows exactly where to go.]
[First, he goes to the cottages. That's where they lived. They slept in a heap on the floor until they could get a bed big enough for three. Countless memories echo off of the brick walls, but as he places his hand on the doorknob, a few key ones jump out.
[Mikasa left. He and Jean moved to a farm. They still sleep in that bed.
[He moves to Horizons. There are less memories here. It's a beautiful place, though he thought it had been destroyed. Not so, or not yet, apparently. He comes to the front door.
[He will see Jean again. It feels impossible. Maybe it is. Maybe he's gone. Has it been four years, or less? More? He hasn't even bothered with getting his footing. Before anything, this...
[He steps through the door, wanders in, searching until...]
Jean.
[Mikasa left. He and Jean moved to a farm. They still sleep in that bed.
[He moves to Horizons. There are less memories here. It's a beautiful place, though he thought it had been destroyed. Not so, or not yet, apparently. He comes to the front door.
[He will see Jean again. It feels impossible. Maybe it is. Maybe he's gone. Has it been four years, or less? More? He hasn't even bothered with getting his footing. Before anything, this...
[He steps through the door, wanders in, searching until...]
Jean.
[First, he went to the place he lived. Someone was missing. Once Eren realized he wasn't there, an itch began, deep under the skin.
[A promise was made. That promise has not been broken. Curse the fact that cell phones are the last thing on Eren's mind right now. He doesn't even think about it; just leaves the farm and starts walking. He knows where to go.
[A place that isn't there anymore. Horizons was destroyed, but Eren found it restored; not so with Eyn Sof. He passes over what used to be the threshold. The building is still half-standing, the remnants of a roof clinging to two stubborn walls. There is some grief to this, though it battles with satisfaction, vindication. Eren steps over cracked glass and splintered wood.
[Two men. Two gods. There are so many memories of Maruki - not just here, but in an office in Liberio, in The Paths. Eren recalls being told that he was one of Maruki's students, or that they'd met in some other city, in some other place, entirely separate from Visium, from Marley, from Tokyo, or anywhere else.
[Eren has no reason to believe that any of it is fiction. Maruki and he were destined to meet - again and again and again and again.
[And if they were going to meet anywhere, surely, it would be here.
[He's not sure how much time passes. Dull eyes scan over splintered wood, the remnants of old furniture, carpet. It still smells the same, somehow. He recalls shared lunches and ruffled hair; shared truths and retching sobs.
[Some impulse makes Eren turn, half shadowed in what remains of their sanctuary.
[And there he is. The sun is high. He's right on schedule.]
How long has it been this time?
[A promise was made. That promise has not been broken. Curse the fact that cell phones are the last thing on Eren's mind right now. He doesn't even think about it; just leaves the farm and starts walking. He knows where to go.
[A place that isn't there anymore. Horizons was destroyed, but Eren found it restored; not so with Eyn Sof. He passes over what used to be the threshold. The building is still half-standing, the remnants of a roof clinging to two stubborn walls. There is some grief to this, though it battles with satisfaction, vindication. Eren steps over cracked glass and splintered wood.
[Two men. Two gods. There are so many memories of Maruki - not just here, but in an office in Liberio, in The Paths. Eren recalls being told that he was one of Maruki's students, or that they'd met in some other city, in some other place, entirely separate from Visium, from Marley, from Tokyo, or anywhere else.
[Eren has no reason to believe that any of it is fiction. Maruki and he were destined to meet - again and again and again and again.
[And if they were going to meet anywhere, surely, it would be here.
[He's not sure how much time passes. Dull eyes scan over splintered wood, the remnants of old furniture, carpet. It still smells the same, somehow. He recalls shared lunches and ruffled hair; shared truths and retching sobs.
[Some impulse makes Eren turn, half shadowed in what remains of their sanctuary.
[And there he is. The sun is high. He's right on schedule.]
How long has it been this time?
[He goes to the castle, but Akechi isn't there. It's early, but still dark out. He's certain this is where they used to meet.
[He remembers the route, so he takes it - doesn't jog, just walks. There's no one around this early to bother them--
[That was the beauty, really. A phosphorescent garden at the bottom of a starlit cliffside, dawn cresting on the horizon - it's really nothing compared to the familiar silhouette it created. Eren remembers Akechi. He remembers his shape, his voice, his burning eyes. He remembers wanting to take his gloves off and bring his hand up to his cheek - just hold it there for a moment. He remembers wanting to rip him apart, enraged that he couldn't know him.
[He remembers kissing him. He remembers fighting him. He remembers everything.
[He hikes to the top of Starlight Cliff. The air is colder than he remembers. Wind whips up a breeze through ankle-high grass. Eren watches as streaks of red begin branching out from the end of the world.
[He turns to see the descending slope; watches until a familiar shadow comes into view.
[Their eyes will meet. And Eren will wait.]
[He remembers the route, so he takes it - doesn't jog, just walks. There's no one around this early to bother them--
Him.
[That was the beauty, really. A phosphorescent garden at the bottom of a starlit cliffside, dawn cresting on the horizon - it's really nothing compared to the familiar silhouette it created. Eren remembers Akechi. He remembers his shape, his voice, his burning eyes. He remembers wanting to take his gloves off and bring his hand up to his cheek - just hold it there for a moment. He remembers wanting to rip him apart, enraged that he couldn't know him.
[He remembers kissing him. He remembers fighting him. He remembers everything.
[He hikes to the top of Starlight Cliff. The air is colder than he remembers. Wind whips up a breeze through ankle-high grass. Eren watches as streaks of red begin branching out from the end of the world.
[He turns to see the descending slope; watches until a familiar shadow comes into view.
[Their eyes will meet. And Eren will wait.]
[They saw each other every day. Eren remembers. As time went on, more and more people disappeared. They saw each other every day, and every day began to feel like it would be the last time. Parting could take hours, swords discarded early because they knew it would be too hard to say goodbye. Eren wanted to kiss her more than he wanted to swing at her. The first time he kissed her, he told her that one day, one of them would wake up, and the other wouldn't be there anymore. That was true. He also told her that he wouldn't forget that kiss. That was true too.
[A lot has happened. If Somnius changed Eren irrevocably, then his true reality did even worse. He had been so quick to insist that he had lived it, truly lived it in the Labyrinth.
[He's really lived it now. He wouldn't blame Aubrey if she didn't even recognize him, but he suspects she'll look the same. Apparently, it's only been a couple of weeks.
[He waits at their training grounds at dawn - not the training grounds at the farm, but theirs. This is where his memory took him. If she'd be anywhere, she'd be here. He doesn't believe that she'd just stop fighting.]
[A lot has happened. If Somnius changed Eren irrevocably, then his true reality did even worse. He had been so quick to insist that he had lived it, truly lived it in the Labyrinth.
[He's really lived it now. He wouldn't blame Aubrey if she didn't even recognize him, but he suspects she'll look the same. Apparently, it's only been a couple of weeks.
[He waits at their training grounds at dawn - not the training grounds at the farm, but theirs. This is where his memory took him. If she'd be anywhere, she'd be here. He doesn't believe that she'd just stop fighting.]
[When Eren and Thorfinn first met, Eren decided at once that they were the same. He doesn't know if he believes that anymore. He saw in Thorfinn what he wanted to be when he was only fifteen. He was never that person - always this person. He knows himself less now than he ever has, now that he understands everything.
[Thorfinn isn't Eren. He's special. He needs more than he asks for. He always does the best that he can. He aches. If Eren had a heart left, he'd like to think it would be like Thorfinn's. That was probably never the case.
[He can have that heart, though. He can listen to it beat. He's barely arrived on the farm when he starts searching. They all lived here together here - Jean and Subaru too.
[He finds Thorfinn by the pond. Eren's surprised to see it - he'd forgotten. Less surprised to find the small man beside it.
[There isn't much to say. He needs as much explanation as anyone. It's been four long years. He isn't the same Eren that Thorfinn remembers.
[Still:]
Thorfinn.
[Thorfinn isn't Eren. He's special. He needs more than he asks for. He always does the best that he can. He aches. If Eren had a heart left, he'd like to think it would be like Thorfinn's. That was probably never the case.
[He can have that heart, though. He can listen to it beat. He's barely arrived on the farm when he starts searching. They all lived here together here - Jean and Subaru too.
[He finds Thorfinn by the pond. Eren's surprised to see it - he'd forgotten. Less surprised to find the small man beside it.
[There isn't much to say. He needs as much explanation as anyone. It's been four long years. He isn't the same Eren that Thorfinn remembers.
[Still:]
Thorfinn.
[It feels impossible to face him; has for a long time, but Eren's gotten used to doing impossible things. What he and Levi feared more than anything has, indeed, come to pass. The Eren that stands at his front door is the only Eren there ever was or ever could be. There's no denying that now.
[The last he remembers Levi, he was hunting Eren with a broken body. He can't quite remember how he left him here. He remembers other things; tear-choked voices, and an embrace in a quiet kitchen. Levi wrapped his arms around Eren. He was loved.
[There was grief then, and there's grief now. He doesn't think either of them believed they could stop the inevitable, but, perhaps, delay it. As ever, as always, Eren is prepared for Levi to cast him away. There is no way for him to pretend that he's anything like the boy he last saw. Eren never could blame Levi, in his mind, for hating him.
[But he comes to see him. He wants to see him. He owes him that. He knows.
[They never had their goodbye.
[Eren knocks on the door.]
[The last he remembers Levi, he was hunting Eren with a broken body. He can't quite remember how he left him here. He remembers other things; tear-choked voices, and an embrace in a quiet kitchen. Levi wrapped his arms around Eren. He was loved.
[There was grief then, and there's grief now. He doesn't think either of them believed they could stop the inevitable, but, perhaps, delay it. As ever, as always, Eren is prepared for Levi to cast him away. There is no way for him to pretend that he's anything like the boy he last saw. Eren never could blame Levi, in his mind, for hating him.
[But he comes to see him. He wants to see him. He owes him that. He knows.
[They never had their goodbye.
[Eren knocks on the door.]
Edited 2024-10-10 03:50 (UTC)
[When Kanoa comes to mind, Eren feels nearly panicked. He doesn't show it outwardly - doesn't show much of anything outwardly, these days - but he feels it.
[They aren't always close, but they've always been close. Now, that emptiness they share is darker, deeper, more cavernous than ever. Eren longs to see him - feels the heart Kanoa lacks racing in his own chest.
[Kanoa never stayed on the farm full time, but he did have a room here. That's where Eren goes, pulling the door open without hesitation. He finds Kanoa on the other side.
[He figures he'll scarcely be able to open his mouth before Kanoa has himself has something to say. He's never been one to shy away. Eren wouldn't blame him if he were angry.
[Still, he tries - just this, if nothing else.]
I'm here.
[They aren't always close, but they've always been close. Now, that emptiness they share is darker, deeper, more cavernous than ever. Eren longs to see him - feels the heart Kanoa lacks racing in his own chest.
[Kanoa never stayed on the farm full time, but he did have a room here. That's where Eren goes, pulling the door open without hesitation. He finds Kanoa on the other side.
[He figures he'll scarcely be able to open his mouth before Kanoa has himself has something to say. He's never been one to shy away. Eren wouldn't blame him if he were angry.
[Still, he tries - just this, if nothing else.]
I'm here.
[At last, on October 1st, Hythlodaeus' soul sight will pick up on something familiar. Eren is a moving target at first - difficult to pin down, with his mind reeling, his muddled memory leading him imprecisely from place to place. Eventually, though, he settles where the edge of Horizons meets the forest beyond. They spoke here when the farm was in ruins. It still doesn't quite make sense to him that it seems to have never been destroyed at all.
[When Hythlodaeus finds him, Eren's gaze is cast out over the fields. He doesn't seem to notice him right away.]
[When Hythlodaeus finds him, Eren's gaze is cast out over the fields. He doesn't seem to notice him right away.]
[ The message goes through.
Maruki stares until the screen burns into his eyelids when he finally blinks. Waits. Waits for the same sort of delivery error that popped up when he texted Adam, Vash, Zazie. Nothing comes. Looks frantically around the machiya, empty hours after their shared breakfast, Akechi off doing whatever it is he does to fill his days. Quiet. Still. Back down at the phone. Nothing comes. Both messages sit, delivered, unread.
If it's a trick, it's the first one in Somnius that he's fallen for immediately, without question.
He's in a daze. Doesn't know where to go. The farm? It seems obvious, and it's closest. He starts walking before he's consciously decided what to do. He wished for their new home to be close to the farm, and nothing else. It's not a short walk, but it's a pleasant one, and they barely had a chance to walk it together before war, before Eren–
Isn't there. Not in the house, the barn, beneath the tree.
He doesn't think to ask anyone. Just turns around and leaves, starts the long walk into town. Could go back to the machiya to get his recently acquired bicycle and make this trek easier; doesn't even consider it until he's already a mile out. Maruki's mind is elsewhere, a hundred other elsewheres, a hundred other realities, and Eren promised.
He's focused on comforting others. Telling them of that promise, and of the historical precedent for Eren's goodbyes. Neither would go unbroken. He would return.
Convincing and comforting himself with the same knowledge was an impossible task. It's been–
Miserable. Beyond. A grief palpable on his tongue, every day.
Maruki doesn't know where he's going. Does. Isn't thinking. Is.
The only place he can go, in the end. The first place in Somnius that was ever his, and it was his as much as it was theirs. Eren was the first one to see it, and the last. They destroyed it and sat in the rubble and Eren promised.
The sun is high. A noontime ritual, Eren arriving and throwing himself down onto the couch or the floor, eating with him or chatting or just napping. Dozens of afternoons doing not much at all, and the time was never wasted, because it was time spent together, something never guaranteed to them in this hell.
He isn't expecting anything. Is. Doesn't see Eren at first. Does.
He turns over his shoulder, taller, older, voice lower, hair longer, eyes duller, and Maruki's first thought is no, and his second is different, he won't remember, and his third thought is– ]
Eren.
[ Frozen, eyes wide behind his glasses, voice small.
Eren promised, but– ]
You remember me?
Maruki stares until the screen burns into his eyelids when he finally blinks. Waits. Waits for the same sort of delivery error that popped up when he texted Adam, Vash, Zazie. Nothing comes. Looks frantically around the machiya, empty hours after their shared breakfast, Akechi off doing whatever it is he does to fill his days. Quiet. Still. Back down at the phone. Nothing comes. Both messages sit, delivered, unread.
If it's a trick, it's the first one in Somnius that he's fallen for immediately, without question.
He's in a daze. Doesn't know where to go. The farm? It seems obvious, and it's closest. He starts walking before he's consciously decided what to do. He wished for their new home to be close to the farm, and nothing else. It's not a short walk, but it's a pleasant one, and they barely had a chance to walk it together before war, before Eren–
Isn't there. Not in the house, the barn, beneath the tree.
He doesn't think to ask anyone. Just turns around and leaves, starts the long walk into town. Could go back to the machiya to get his recently acquired bicycle and make this trek easier; doesn't even consider it until he's already a mile out. Maruki's mind is elsewhere, a hundred other elsewheres, a hundred other realities, and Eren promised.
He's focused on comforting others. Telling them of that promise, and of the historical precedent for Eren's goodbyes. Neither would go unbroken. He would return.
Convincing and comforting himself with the same knowledge was an impossible task. It's been–
Miserable. Beyond. A grief palpable on his tongue, every day.
Maruki doesn't know where he's going. Does. Isn't thinking. Is.
The only place he can go, in the end. The first place in Somnius that was ever his, and it was his as much as it was theirs. Eren was the first one to see it, and the last. They destroyed it and sat in the rubble and Eren promised.
The sun is high. A noontime ritual, Eren arriving and throwing himself down onto the couch or the floor, eating with him or chatting or just napping. Dozens of afternoons doing not much at all, and the time was never wasted, because it was time spent together, something never guaranteed to them in this hell.
He isn't expecting anything. Is. Doesn't see Eren at first. Does.
He turns over his shoulder, taller, older, voice lower, hair longer, eyes duller, and Maruki's first thought is no, and his second is different, he won't remember, and his third thought is– ]
Eren.
[ Frozen, eyes wide behind his glasses, voice small.
Eren promised, but– ]
You remember me?
[The question feels ridiculous. Maruki is as true to Eren as any person from Paradis would be. In his mind, he never forgot; in his mind, the memories he's experiencing right now are as timeless and impossible as any. Everything feels like it happened yesterday, tomorrow, a thousand times each.
[All the more troublesome that Maruki didn't answer his question. Eren takes a step closer, yellow sunlight leeching shadows from his face, leaving them only beneath his eyes.]
I do. I told you that I would.
[His friend is shaken. Eren's forgotten how to be one. There's some dull ache in the back of his heart, but he doesn't know what to do with it. If it's really been four years (didn't that witch say ten?) since they last met in this reality, then Maruki must have thought he was well and truly gone.
[Surprise. Hell won't end for Eren. For someone like him, it shouldn't. He's accepted that.]
Maruki. [There's nothing to his voice, really. It's vacancy is more sincere than it used to be. He doesn't sound like he's trying to hold anything back; there's nothing there.]
Answer me. How long has it been?
[All the more troublesome that Maruki didn't answer his question. Eren takes a step closer, yellow sunlight leeching shadows from his face, leaving them only beneath his eyes.]
I do. I told you that I would.
[His friend is shaken. Eren's forgotten how to be one. There's some dull ache in the back of his heart, but he doesn't know what to do with it. If it's really been four years (didn't that witch say ten?) since they last met in this reality, then Maruki must have thought he was well and truly gone.
[Surprise. Hell won't end for Eren. For someone like him, it shouldn't. He's accepted that.]
Maruki. [There's nothing to his voice, really. It's vacancy is more sincere than it used to be. He doesn't sound like he's trying to hold anything back; there's nothing there.]
Answer me. How long has it been?
[ In the shifting sands of Maruki's memories, he has lived a reality in which he succeeded in the only dream he ever had, created a perfect world and then isolated himself from it. Not a soul remembered Maruki Takuto. As it should be; at the end of the day, he is unimportant, only a canvas for what others need him to be and he crafted an ideal reality in which no one needed him at all.
He has lived countless realities in which Rumi's eyes turned toward his, lifelike once more but entirely blank. She never remembers him. She never will remember him. There is no world that fixes such a simple fact of life, no world in which he would ever alter his greatest regret even if given the chance.
Everyone says that when you leave this reality, you forget. Maruki refuses to believe it. Has never once cottoned to the idea. Those who forget do so because their wills are weak. His is strong, strong enough to call forth a god. He will never forget, never. The same should go for others, but it isn't a given. Even Eren, even the one other person with as much power over the fabric of reality as him–
But it's what Maruki fears more than anything, and thus, what he's resigned himself to. Being forgotten, being alone.
Eren remembers him.
There's no life in his voice when he confirms it, but he remembers him. Says his name, empty, but present.
Maruki's throat tightens with a relief so total that it unnerves him. How exactly is he supposed to take it when his bone-deep fears are allayed all at once? He feels weightless, adrift. He has to inhale before he speaks, and it shudders. ]
A little more than two weeks. For me, I mean. Not for you. Clearly.
[ A beat, and he tries to smile. Can't feel his own face to feel how effective it is. It might be starting to crumble instead, for all he knows. ]
You came back. How long...?
He has lived countless realities in which Rumi's eyes turned toward his, lifelike once more but entirely blank. She never remembers him. She never will remember him. There is no world that fixes such a simple fact of life, no world in which he would ever alter his greatest regret even if given the chance.
Everyone says that when you leave this reality, you forget. Maruki refuses to believe it. Has never once cottoned to the idea. Those who forget do so because their wills are weak. His is strong, strong enough to call forth a god. He will never forget, never. The same should go for others, but it isn't a given. Even Eren, even the one other person with as much power over the fabric of reality as him–
But it's what Maruki fears more than anything, and thus, what he's resigned himself to. Being forgotten, being alone.
Eren remembers him.
There's no life in his voice when he confirms it, but he remembers him. Says his name, empty, but present.
Maruki's throat tightens with a relief so total that it unnerves him. How exactly is he supposed to take it when his bone-deep fears are allayed all at once? He feels weightless, adrift. He has to inhale before he speaks, and it shudders. ]
A little more than two weeks. For me, I mean. Not for you. Clearly.
[ A beat, and he tries to smile. Can't feel his own face to feel how effective it is. It might be starting to crumble instead, for all he knows. ]
You came back. How long...?
[There are very few - very few - times that Eren can remember Maruki's breath shuddering, or his expression crumbling.
[It's only been two weeks.
[Eren feels an anxious tug in his chest. One of the more disquieting things about Visium is that he is loved here - loved in new, frightening, overwhelming ways. The less he deserves, the more he receives; even back home, he couldn't escape it.
[It's not easy. Two weeks here, a handful of years there - time has been taken, and Eren can't figure out how much, to what level his anger should rise.
[His right fist clenches at his side, unfurls, clenches again.]
Eh...
[He looks away from Maruki, scratching idly at the back of his ear.]
That's hard to tell you. I was...fifteen when I got here, and I died when I was nineteen. That only feels like a little while ago.
[It's only been two weeks.
[Eren feels an anxious tug in his chest. One of the more disquieting things about Visium is that he is loved here - loved in new, frightening, overwhelming ways. The less he deserves, the more he receives; even back home, he couldn't escape it.
[It's not easy. Two weeks here, a handful of years there - time has been taken, and Eren can't figure out how much, to what level his anger should rise.
[His right fist clenches at his side, unfurls, clenches again.]
Eh...
[He looks away from Maruki, scratching idly at the back of his ear.]
That's hard to tell you. I was...fifteen when I got here, and I died when I was nineteen. That only feels like a little while ago.
You died.
[ It isn't shock, or surprise, or anything of the sort. Maruki knew Eren would die. He's known that since nearly the beginning of their friendship. Eren's future couldn't be changed; he would return to see it through, and he would die, and that would be that.
So will Akechi. So will Venat. The three people in Somnius he loves most will all return to their deaths, and Maruki has power over all reality, yet there's nothing he can do to stop or change that.
It might bother him more if he wasn't already convinced that their souls and memories persist beyond death, beyond realities. There are those he's meant to meet, to befriend, to let into his beleaguered heart, and he will see them again.
Eren has already died, and he's seeing him again now.
He does smile this time. Wide, and with a choked out, wet laugh as he tips his head back to turn his face toward the sun. Two weeks, four years. Departure, return. Death, rebirth. Or hell. Either way: this fucking place. ]
[ It isn't shock, or surprise, or anything of the sort. Maruki knew Eren would die. He's known that since nearly the beginning of their friendship. Eren's future couldn't be changed; he would return to see it through, and he would die, and that would be that.
So will Akechi. So will Venat. The three people in Somnius he loves most will all return to their deaths, and Maruki has power over all reality, yet there's nothing he can do to stop or change that.
It might bother him more if he wasn't already convinced that their souls and memories persist beyond death, beyond realities. There are those he's meant to meet, to befriend, to let into his beleaguered heart, and he will see them again.
Eren has already died, and he's seeing him again now.
He does smile this time. Wide, and with a choked out, wet laugh as he tips his head back to turn his face toward the sun. Two weeks, four years. Departure, return. Death, rebirth. Or hell. Either way: this fucking place. ]
You almost put me in a grave. Shut up. Come here.
[ And because he knows that this Eren won't, Maruki goes to him instead. Picks his way across the half-destroyed floor of Eyn Sof, the singed and tattered edges of the rug where they sat every day to eat their lunch. Crosses the shell of his office to meet Eren head-on, because he cannot be stopped, neither of them can ever be stopped, and wraps him up in a hug so fierce that it could bend reality all on its own. ]
[ And because he knows that this Eren won't, Maruki goes to him instead. Picks his way across the half-destroyed floor of Eyn Sof, the singed and tattered edges of the rug where they sat every day to eat their lunch. Crosses the shell of his office to meet Eren head-on, because he cannot be stopped, neither of them can ever be stopped, and wraps him up in a hug so fierce that it could bend reality all on its own. ]
[What does it matter how long its been? Maruki hugs Eren with such force that you think they'd gone ten thousand years without seeing each other, but that's always how it's going to feel, isn't it? Eren remembers his promise. He knows that, by being here, he hasn't broken it - there's that, at least.
[Still. Maruki and Eren, the two-headed God, were pulled apart. It's profoundly wrong. Eren feels it in every mangled bone.
[His hand finds the nape of Maruki's neck, firmly grasping. His other arm claps around the man's back, pulling him in close, tight.]
I promised you.
[Still. Maruki and Eren, the two-headed God, were pulled apart. It's profoundly wrong. Eren feels it in every mangled bone.
[His hand finds the nape of Maruki's neck, firmly grasping. His other arm claps around the man's back, pulling him in close, tight.]
I promised you.
You did.
[ There's a permanent, persistent twinge at the base of his neck now. Has been ever since he blinked out and in of existence with a wealth of visions suddenly crowding his mind; an unfamiliar persona evolved out of his own magnified willpower, consuming him, absorbing him, stabbing him through his nape so he could finally let go.
Another coincidence between them. He hadn't even had a chance to tell Eren before war, before–
It feels so stupid. Two weeks is nothing, in the grand scheme of things. But he doesn't need to make Eren understand why it felt so viciously cruel; he gets it, they both get it. And he places his hand right where it needs to be to quell a new ache that he doesn't yet know.
Maruki grips him impossibly tighter, doesn't pull away. Doesn't care who stumbles across his shuttered office and sees him clinging to his newly returned friend. His voice is muffled into Eren's broad shoulder. ]
I'm sorry you had to come back. To life, I mean, not to me.
[ Eren has spent months in Somnius acting as if he's already dead. He's even told Maruki, at times, to pretend that he is. He never has. He won't now, either. But he can recognize a desire fulfilled and then ripped away again, plain as day. ]
[ There's a permanent, persistent twinge at the base of his neck now. Has been ever since he blinked out and in of existence with a wealth of visions suddenly crowding his mind; an unfamiliar persona evolved out of his own magnified willpower, consuming him, absorbing him, stabbing him through his nape so he could finally let go.
Another coincidence between them. He hadn't even had a chance to tell Eren before war, before–
It feels so stupid. Two weeks is nothing, in the grand scheme of things. But he doesn't need to make Eren understand why it felt so viciously cruel; he gets it, they both get it. And he places his hand right where it needs to be to quell a new ache that he doesn't yet know.
Maruki grips him impossibly tighter, doesn't pull away. Doesn't care who stumbles across his shuttered office and sees him clinging to his newly returned friend. His voice is muffled into Eren's broad shoulder. ]
I'm sorry you had to come back. To life, I mean, not to me.
[ Eren has spent months in Somnius acting as if he's already dead. He's even told Maruki, at times, to pretend that he is. He never has. He won't now, either. But he can recognize a desire fulfilled and then ripped away again, plain as day. ]
Edited 2024-10-01 07:42 (UTC)
[Eren's grip sinks heavier around his friend. He doesn't quite realize.]
We already knew. [His voice remains less than dull, even as fingers strain around flesh and fabric.] This place is Hell.
It's what I expected.
We already knew. [His voice remains less than dull, even as fingers strain around flesh and fabric.] This place is Hell.
It's what I expected.
[ It's beyond lifeless. It should be concerning to Maruki, and maybe later it will be, but for now he can only feel relief that Eren exists at all, even against his own wishes. ]
Next time you leave, it'll be because we've broken free. And then you won't come back. You'll be done.
[ It's the only comfort he can offer his friend.
It sits heavily for a long moment, and then Maruki grinds his face into his shoulder, the frames of his glasses digging into his face. He can feel the humid fog on them, hear the strain in his own voice. He doesn't care.
Eren told him once that he could cry, if he wanted to. He wasn't able at the time. Now he isn't able to stop himself, but it's still subtle, soft. ]
I missed you so much. You have no idea.
Next time you leave, it'll be because we've broken free. And then you won't come back. You'll be done.
[ It's the only comfort he can offer his friend.
It sits heavily for a long moment, and then Maruki grinds his face into his shoulder, the frames of his glasses digging into his face. He can feel the humid fog on them, hear the strain in his own voice. He doesn't care.
Eren told him once that he could cry, if he wanted to. He wasn't able at the time. Now he isn't able to stop himself, but it's still subtle, soft. ]
I missed you so much. You have no idea.
[It feels impossible. The last Eren was alive, he was the very definition of a monster - a massive beast of bone that crawled across the Earth, decimating everything in its path. Of course, Maruki has never seen Eren that way - Eren knows that, remembers - but it doesn't change the fact that someone very human is curled against him, softly weeping, all because he couldn't bear two weeks without him.
[Four years ago - two weeks ago - it would have made him cry too. He can almost imagine it, the two of them, crying alongside each other.
[He never has seen his friend in a state like this.
[Eren loves. He hates, but he also loves. His love is violent, all-consuming, destructive, and steadfast. It never ebbs. It exists for so few, so massive that it blocks out the sun.
[Eren loves. It never was beaten out of him. There's no reason left to hide from it. The world has already been devoured.
[Eren is taller than Maruki now. He turns his nose into the man's hair and closes his eyes. Fingers trail over shuddering shoulders.]
I'm sorry.
If you'd left first, I'd be furious.
[Four years ago - two weeks ago - it would have made him cry too. He can almost imagine it, the two of them, crying alongside each other.
[He never has seen his friend in a state like this.
[Eren loves. He hates, but he also loves. His love is violent, all-consuming, destructive, and steadfast. It never ebbs. It exists for so few, so massive that it blocks out the sun.
[Eren loves. It never was beaten out of him. There's no reason left to hide from it. The world has already been devoured.
[Eren is taller than Maruki now. He turns his nose into the man's hair and closes his eyes. Fingers trail over shuddering shoulders.]
I'm sorry.
If you'd left first, I'd be furious.
[There was a point where he would have been angry. But thanks to both being a construct of eternity, and that hundred years of disassociating on the pavilion floor after his creation, Kanoa’s sense of time remained skewed as ever. This of course wasn’t always good, it meant feelings could run last for centuries, but it also meant that in such a short time he would barely understand that he was angry in the first place. It took him weeks if not months to accept his mother’s and Nanu’s disappearances. So what resentments had started to fester would not be able to withstand so much as a single hug.
Besides, he had been certain Eren was not gone, Eren would not leave him. He wanted to search for him thinking he had just gotten lost, but Frog was making the sounds of sadness and needed to be held. Eren would not wish for Frog to be making the sounds of sadness.
Also because the sounds of sadness and the sounds of hunger were very similar, and people were feeding frog too much and he feared she was growing even more round. Eren would not wish for that either.
He was in the middle of a heated debate between him and Frog, where he was trying to explain the importance of not being round to her, when Eren entered the room.
And there he would get the warmest of greetings from both parties. Kanoa rushing up to give him a hug so big that he lifted Eren clear off the ground and gave him a good spin.
And of course he pinned Eren’s arms to his sides in the hug, because he learned that humans can’t escape his affections as easily when he does that.
Frog, meanwhile, came crawling up the back of Kanoa’s clothes so she could scream in Eren’s face.]
Eren! You’re back! We found you!!! [and a Big Squeeze amongst a cacophony of giggles and cat screams… maybe a little too big, but Even can handle it.] we fooound you! We found you!!!
Where did you go? Did you get lost?
Besides, he had been certain Eren was not gone, Eren would not leave him. He wanted to search for him thinking he had just gotten lost, but Frog was making the sounds of sadness and needed to be held. Eren would not wish for Frog to be making the sounds of sadness.
Also because the sounds of sadness and the sounds of hunger were very similar, and people were feeding frog too much and he feared she was growing even more round. Eren would not wish for that either.
He was in the middle of a heated debate between him and Frog, where he was trying to explain the importance of not being round to her, when Eren entered the room.
And there he would get the warmest of greetings from both parties. Kanoa rushing up to give him a hug so big that he lifted Eren clear off the ground and gave him a good spin.
And of course he pinned Eren’s arms to his sides in the hug, because he learned that humans can’t escape his affections as easily when he does that.
Frog, meanwhile, came crawling up the back of Kanoa’s clothes so she could scream in Eren’s face.]
Eren! You’re back! We found you!!! [and a Big Squeeze amongst a cacophony of giggles and cat screams… maybe a little too big, but Even can handle it.] we fooound you! We found you!!!
Where did you go? Did you get lost?
[ He laughs again, wants to shove Eren's head, mess up his hair, tease him for being ridiculous. ]
Well, I wasn't furious. I was just–
[ It feels so stupid. Two weeks is nothing, in the grand scheme of things. He knows this.
But he has spent every single day since the afternoon that he let Rumi go building a life that ensures he never experiences loss again. He did it once, and that was enough. It shattered his heart and set him on a course for total perfection, total solitude. He couldn't ever do it again, and in the end, it was easy to do: Isolate, create distance, let no one in.
Coming to Somnius threw a wrench into things, but his desire to leave and to allow others to return to their own realities should they so choose ought to have inured him to the pain. He lost a few friends before this. There was some sadness, at first, but it faded easily with the knowledge that they were better off no longer trapped in a false reality. He really did think that was a foolproof safeguard.
Six, seven years since Rumi, and this is the first loss he's experienced.
It's stupid. It is. He knows it. But it shredded through him slowly, and it was never in anger. Only the pure misery of grief. ]
It doesn't matter.
[ He shakes his head, thumps a weak fist against Eren's back. ]
Don't apologize, though. I know you had nothing to do with it. You wouldn't have left like that if you had any choice in the matter. It's just... this place.
Well, I wasn't furious. I was just–
[ It feels so stupid. Two weeks is nothing, in the grand scheme of things. He knows this.
But he has spent every single day since the afternoon that he let Rumi go building a life that ensures he never experiences loss again. He did it once, and that was enough. It shattered his heart and set him on a course for total perfection, total solitude. He couldn't ever do it again, and in the end, it was easy to do: Isolate, create distance, let no one in.
Coming to Somnius threw a wrench into things, but his desire to leave and to allow others to return to their own realities should they so choose ought to have inured him to the pain. He lost a few friends before this. There was some sadness, at first, but it faded easily with the knowledge that they were better off no longer trapped in a false reality. He really did think that was a foolproof safeguard.
Six, seven years since Rumi, and this is the first loss he's experienced.
It's stupid. It is. He knows it. But it shredded through him slowly, and it was never in anger. Only the pure misery of grief. ]
It doesn't matter.
[ He shakes his head, thumps a weak fist against Eren's back. ]
Don't apologize, though. I know you had nothing to do with it. You wouldn't have left like that if you had any choice in the matter. It's just... this place.
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