[It's become more common for a brief flash of emotion to cross over Eren's face when he's with Maruki - not just once or twice, but as they talk. Wanting to cry so badly that your lips pull down for half a second is the most Eren had for a long time. Now, he might be confused, or amused, or annoyed, or thoughtful - and it's only the smallest half-of-a-handful of people who get to see it, even fewer who actually notice.
[To that end, a curious look appears. He comes to lie by Maruki, immediately stretching out on his side. He props his head up on his hand.]
[ Maruki's ribs squeeze with a powerful affection as Eren settles down and looks at him like that. ]
The hot water diverts your blood flow away from your digestive system, so it's easy to get nauseated or dizzy if you eat too quickly or too heavy of a meal afterwards. It's best to have something light and hydrating.
[ He reaches up, pokes a finger against Eren's cheek to draw one corner of his lips up. ]
Lately, sometimes you really do look like your younger self.
[Some pain pulls his brow down beneath Maruki's touch. His mouth is shut tight, and for a minute, he's worried he might start to feel roots in his throat again. Seems that's over now...
[It's Maruki, so he'll say how he feels anyway.]
You say that. But. You're still talking about us like we're two separate people. Even if you don't really mean it, that's just how it feels, right?
That's how everyone feels...
[They lost the Eren they loved, and they were left with this one as the only remaining option.]
[Eren breathes, and his arm slips down under him, heading laying flat against it. He keeps his eyes on his Other. He wants to say he doesn't know, but he's always tried to answer when Maruki asks him how he feels.]
I feel the same. But no one recognizes me anymore.
Like everyone thinks I died four years ago, and someone else took my place. But I didn't.
I lie too well. It's not just that, though. They saw what they wanted to see. It's easier to believe I changed than to accept I've always been a disappointment.
[ Eren lays his head down, and Maruki follows, both of them curled onto their sides to look at one another. He strokes his fingers through Eren's hair, methodical, and considers it. ]
Do you remember the first night back after you returned? When you came to stay over at the machiya...
You told me that you weren't the same. I didn't want to argue with you at the time, so I tried to redirect that by telling you all that matters is that you're you.
[ Fingertips trace the delicate shell of Eren's ear. There are places still where he's just as fragile and human as anyone. Most aren't visible, and few seem to consider them. ]
But you are the same. You've grown up, and things have happened to you, but I've never felt like you were a different person. You always were you, and you always will be. If people don't see that, Eren...
[ It's an old ember of anger that lives deep in his soul. He can't breathe life into it. He already holds so much against people who will never understand Eren as he does. ]
It's not fair to you, but their perception of you is their own responsibility. It's their loss.
[It strikes him more deeply than he would have guessed it might. Maruki still sees Eren, the friend he met in a dream. He's different now, but so is Maruki, without four years time to credit. Eren feels like he could cry, and that feeling is so familiar, that he surely must be the same person. He still watches the sky. He still wants his mother.]
It doesn't matter.
[Eren's voice is tight. His hand reaches up and tangles with the one Maruki has in his hair. He brings it down between them, grip pulsing.]
They haven't let go. They won't. Even when I wanted them to.
So, it doesn't matter.
[This isn't about them, anyway.]
We don't have to talk about it anymore. You're here...
It makes sense...you'd see me clearer than anyone.
[ They haven't let go, but that doesn't mean they're holding on in the right way. ]
It was never hard, when you were younger or when you returned this time. I don't mean to disparage anyone, but I want you to understand... you're not a difficult person to see, Eren.
[ Maruki squeezes Eren's hand back, uses it to tug him closer. ]
[He shifts closer when he's pulled closer. When he speaks, his voice is quiet enough to suit what very little space lies between them - and it's miserable.]
I'm supposed to be. That's the point. [His voice cracks on that word - "point".
[His world is a red ocean, so what's the "point" anymore, anyway?]
[ Well, what is there to say to that? Maruki can resent them all he wants for not seeing Eren properly, but he's also aware Eren has done all he can to ensure that's the case. It cuts both ways, and in the end, Eren suffers for it. He just wants to be known, like anyone else does. ]
Would it help if I pointed out all the other times I see that younger you shining through, or do you want me to stop?
[ Normally, Maruki might press him to keep talking about it, but– he hears that warmth edging into Eren's voice, and he wants to take hold of it. It's supposed to be a nice night. They've had a rough few weeks...
He tilts his head into Eren's touch, hums thoughtfully. ]
I suppose we're both biased. Or unbiased, as the case may be! It fits, though, you're right.
[ They're close, and Maruki only wants to be closer. He tucks himself against Eren, thunks their foreheads together. ]
I know you don't want to celebrate your birthday, but will you keep the day clear for me?
[Eren feels his heart skip, his face heat, and it's not because of Maruki's closeness. He hadn't allowed himself to want anything for his birthday, but if there was one thing, it was to do something with Maruki - or, in all honesty, the idea Maruki might do something for him. It feels pitiful to admit...
[He can't nod with their foreheads pressed together like this. He kisses the tip of Maruki's nose.]
[Eren knows that it's a joke, because there is no reality in which Takuto Maruki is under the impression he wants another birthday party - it makes Eren wrinkle his nose anyway.]
No. I don't want to do anything else. I haven't mentioned it to anyone at all.
[It comes out slow, Eren's eyes falling closed. He could fall asleep in the very idea of spending that entire day in the windmill.]
I'll just tell everyone I made other plans. If they really want to do something together, we'll do it another day...
[Arms tighten around Maruki, and he's tugged in even closer, Eren grinding the bridge of his nose against the peak of the man's cheek bone. It's almost aggressive.]
Just like tomorrow too. You promised we wouldn't go back for two more days.
[ It might be a nearly aggressive motion, but Maruki just laughs, tilting his head this way and that until Eren has better access.
There's some small, sick amount of triumph that buzzes through his blood at the idea of keeping Eren all to himself for his birthday. Everyone else can wait, just that once. ]
I did! And I meant it. I have no plans, and everyone at home seems to enjoy being healthy again too much to need me.
[ He scratches fondly at Eren's nape, smiles up at the stars. ]
[Good. Let everyone need someone else for a little while. Eren wants to be the only one that needs Maruki. That's exactly why they should spend March 30th alone.]
Even if we just laid here all day, I'd be fine with that.
[Fingertips affectionately graze over Maruki's ribs, thoughtless and natural. Their feet have twisted together at the ankles.]
That's always my answer.
It's all I want, though. To be close just like this.
[ They're tangled up from head to toe. He flattens out his palm over Eren's nape, pushes him gently down until he can tuck his head against Maruki's collarbone and let himself be held. ]
You told me I'm supposed to be resting, and nothing sounds more restful than that.
[Eren is easily folded into Maruki, face indeed pressed into collarbone. Thoughtlessly, he lightly clamps his teeth down over the solid ridge. It's an idle motion, really, though he seems to realize - releases.]
Sorry.
[A kiss to make up for it, and then Eren fully nestles in.]
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[ Lessons with Dr. Maruki, Onsen Expert!
But he understands why Eren is asking, so– ]
I'm well cared for, Eren. I promise. Come here.
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[To that end, a curious look appears. He comes to lie by Maruki, immediately stretching out on his side. He props his head up on his hand.]
Why's it bad to eat after using a hot spring?
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The hot water diverts your blood flow away from your digestive system, so it's easy to get nauseated or dizzy if you eat too quickly or too heavy of a meal afterwards. It's best to have something light and hydrating.
[ He reaches up, pokes a finger against Eren's cheek to draw one corner of his lips up. ]
Lately, sometimes you really do look like your younger self.
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What do you mean...?
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You're more expressive and curious, and I see how he still shines through you. You never lost that, Eren.
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[It's Maruki, so he'll say how he feels anyway.]
You say that. But. You're still talking about us like we're two separate people. Even if you don't really mean it, that's just how it feels, right?
That's how everyone feels...
[They lost the Eren they loved, and they were left with this one as the only remaining option.]
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How does it feel to you?
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I feel the same. But no one recognizes me anymore.
Like everyone thinks I died four years ago, and someone else took my place. But I didn't.
I lie too well. It's not just that, though. They saw what they wanted to see. It's easier to believe I changed than to accept I've always been a disappointment.
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Do you remember the first night back after you returned? When you came to stay over at the machiya...
You told me that you weren't the same. I didn't want to argue with you at the time, so I tried to redirect that by telling you all that matters is that you're you.
[ Fingertips trace the delicate shell of Eren's ear. There are places still where he's just as fragile and human as anyone. Most aren't visible, and few seem to consider them. ]
But you are the same. You've grown up, and things have happened to you, but I've never felt like you were a different person. You always were you, and you always will be. If people don't see that, Eren...
[ It's an old ember of anger that lives deep in his soul. He can't breathe life into it. He already holds so much against people who will never understand Eren as he does. ]
It's not fair to you, but their perception of you is their own responsibility. It's their loss.
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It doesn't matter.
[Eren's voice is tight. His hand reaches up and tangles with the one Maruki has in his hair. He brings it down between them, grip pulsing.]
They haven't let go. They won't. Even when I wanted them to.
So, it doesn't matter.
[This isn't about them, anyway.]
We don't have to talk about it anymore. You're here...
It makes sense...you'd see me clearer than anyone.
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It was never hard, when you were younger or when you returned this time. I don't mean to disparage anyone, but I want you to understand... you're not a difficult person to see, Eren.
[ Maruki squeezes Eren's hand back, uses it to tug him closer. ]
That's all I'll say.
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I'm supposed to be. That's the point. [His voice cracks on that word - "point".
[His world is a red ocean, so what's the "point" anymore, anyway?]
I don't know...
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Would it help if I pointed out all the other times I see that younger you shining through, or do you want me to stop?
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[His voice sounds so odd, still strained like he's going to cry, but warming as his focus shifts to Maruki.
[He tucks hair away from the rim of the man's glasses.]
You're different. I've always been "Eren" to you. That's all.
You're Maruki. It fits...
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He tilts his head into Eren's touch, hums thoughtfully. ]
I suppose we're both biased. Or unbiased, as the case may be! It fits, though, you're right.
[ They're close, and Maruki only wants to be closer. He tucks himself against Eren, thunks their foreheads together. ]
I know you don't want to celebrate your birthday, but will you keep the day clear for me?
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[He can't nod with their foreheads pressed together like this. He kisses the tip of Maruki's nose.]
Yeah. That's what I want.
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[ A beat, and he grinds his forehead against Eren's. ]
Unless you want that?
[ He knows Eren doesn't. The tease is blatantly apparent in his voice. ]
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No. I don't want to do anything else. I haven't mentioned it to anyone at all.
I think they'll hunt me down anyway...
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[ He brushes his nose against Eren's until it unwrinkles. ]
Spend the day with me. Truly. [ But then, the briefest faltering: ] I mean, only if you think you can get away with it...
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[It comes out slow, Eren's eyes falling closed. He could fall asleep in the very idea of spending that entire day in the windmill.]
I'll just tell everyone I made other plans. If they really want to do something together, we'll do it another day...
[Arms tighten around Maruki, and he's tugged in even closer, Eren grinding the bridge of his nose against the peak of the man's cheek bone. It's almost aggressive.]
Just like tomorrow too. You promised we wouldn't go back for two more days.
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There's some small, sick amount of triumph that buzzes through his blood at the idea of keeping Eren all to himself for his birthday. Everyone else can wait, just that once. ]
I did! And I meant it. I have no plans, and everyone at home seems to enjoy being healthy again too much to need me.
[ He scratches fondly at Eren's nape, smiles up at the stars. ]
What do you want to do tomorrow?
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Even if we just laid here all day, I'd be fine with that.
[Fingertips affectionately graze over Maruki's ribs, thoughtless and natural. Their feet have twisted together at the ankles.]
That's always my answer.
It's all I want, though. To be close just like this.
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[ They're tangled up from head to toe. He flattens out his palm over Eren's nape, pushes him gently down until he can tuck his head against Maruki's collarbone and let himself be held. ]
You told me I'm supposed to be resting, and nothing sounds more restful than that.
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Sorry.
[A kiss to make up for it, and then Eren fully nestles in.]
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Did you bite me...?
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1/2
2/2 yeah this is happening...
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