I know I don't know you the best, but I do know you. I love you as you are. You fought with Mikasa, once, about last names. You thought we'd be happier if you were gone and we could be together.
We weren't. We told you we missed you and that's why we wanted to be with you here.
[Jean's reassurances seem to come out of nowhere. Eren hasn't exactly been forthcoming with his feelings lately. He feels nearly cornered, confused. He doesn't bother responding. He isn't doing much, so he heads back to the farmhouse. When he steps through the bedroom door, he looks half-annoyed, uncertain. He closes it behind him.]
[It feels sudden - casual conversation converted to action. Eren hadn't thought too deeply about the could-be portrait session. It's a uniquely exposing feeling. He feels awkward, uncertain; hesitates at the door in a stalled fluster, then comes inside and sits on the bed. He kicks off his shoes, then takes off his coat and his shirt. Jean can make fun of him for showing off his abs all he wants, but if he's going to be drawn, he wants to look...good.]
[ Jean seized on the idea; this likely won't be the drawing he actually keeps, given he'd just denigrated his own drawing skill. But seeing Eren the tiniest bit flustered, it feels worth it to have asked.
His gaze rakes over Eren - because while Jean should make fun of him, he cuts an attractive figure. He keeps his hands in his metaphorical pants, though.
He almost says Eren doesn't need to pose, can lay however he feels - but then he reconsiders. Maybe that gives the impression he doesn't care. Instead, he offers: ]
Lay like you would if we were talking face to face in the bed.
[Eren's mouth tugs awkwardly. He glances at his corner of the bed.]
It's weird to do it without you actually lying down. [Drawled in that dry voice.
[He hesitates another few seconds, then scoots in on his side. Talking face to face in bed, they'd normally have their arms around each other, but there's obviously no way of doing that, so...he puts one arm behind his head and lets the other lay across the bed where Jean should be. He bends his knees at the angles he recalls from wrapping their legs together.
[ Drawled right back, Jean's tone is full of affectionate teasing. He watches Eren arrange himself, putting an arm behind his head like some kind of french girl model from the interior.
Even with the awkward expression, he looks cute. Jean is so insufferably fond of him; it might show in how his expression softens a little as he looks at Eren. ]
It doesn't look embarrassing, if it helps at all.
[ His gaze drops to the paper, starting to sketch, but he keeps talking. ]
I don't think we ever did this, before. You took - still take - a lot of photos, though.
[ It's a genuine question. Jean has mostly narrated things that happened, but he's not sure if Eren wants to rely solely on Jean's recollection of things. ]
Good. You should keep doing that - if I'm going to draw, you should keep taking pictures.
[ Jean flicks his eyes up, over the paper again, pencil stilling for a moment as he takes Eren in. After he's had his fill, or found what he's looking for, he resumes drawing. ]
[It occurs to Eren that, maybe, these are memories he'd meant to shove down. Living in the cottage with Jean and Mikasa, where guests were rarely invited, where moments were shared only between the three of them, had felt almost like having a home again - not quite, but close. He and Mikasa washed the dishes just like they did growing up. Jean would dote on both of them. Eren slept in the middle. He felt supremely loved - so much so that it sickened him, as things got worse.
[It's painful to think about now. It hurts that she's gone. Things can never be the same as that small period of time, never appreciated for how sacred it was.
[And no one's ever loved him the way Mikasa does. That's a fact to anyone that can see it. He just wonders how she'd feel if she could see him here now. There is forever an empty spot in he and Jean's bed.
[He's been quiet too long.]
We didn't have a bed for so long. We slept on the ground for months.
[ The start of their relationship, really. All three of them huddling together, ostensibly for warmth but really for comfort. All three too used to sharing space with a dozen, two dozen others in close proximity; having an entire room felt (and still feels) luxurious beyond belief. The beds that were too soft, too high off the ground (or not high enough).
Jean misses those times. He also knows they can't go back. ]
We didn't want to try to pile into one of the smaller ones for some reason.
[ They were still playing at platonic feelings. ]
... I still own the cottage. If you ever want to visit.
[ But Jean doesn't offer more than that, for the moment. ]
[Eren is quiet. Even fond memories of the cottage feel tainted to this day. He's not the sort to let go of a grudge. How would he feel walking through the door now?]
What we have here. I like it too.
[This place is more luxurious than anything that should be in his hands, but still. It's nice...]
[ It is nice - there's a plethora of space for anyone to stay with them, from at home or new bonds formed here. They have plenty of animals, and Jean is still trying to start up an herb garden - he doesn't have as much of a green thumb as he'd like.
He smiles down at the picture he's sketching. ]
When I was younger... I wanted a fancy house in the interior. I wanted a wife, and at least one child, and in the evenings I'd drink fancy whiskey.
[ Why is he telling Eren this with a smile on his face? Well: ]
I think I like what we have here, better. I enjoy the quiet. I enjoy sitting here with you even when we don't talk at all, and I don't have to spend my night at the bottom of a bottle.
[Eren has to force himself to let Jean have this, and to let himself have it, too, if only for the moment. One way or another, this reality will be dealt with. Control will be relinquished. Decisions will have to be made. And those decisions may be at the expense of things like a peaceful life in a quiet farmhouse.
[But it's alright. It's alright to enjoy the sunset from their forest-facing window. It's alright to eat well. It's alright to be together while they can be.
[He tells himself this. He tries.]
Did you drink while I was gone? [Eren's voice doesn't change much, but it's intended to be a gentle question. He hates the idea of it.
[ Jean says it softly, beginning to put details on the sketch. He starts with Eren's face. That blank, placid expression that he can't help but try and tilt into a little smile as he sketches it. It looks out of place, a little fake.
He leaves it for now. Wishful thinking. ]
I missed you terribly, and towards the end I thought you weren't coming back at all. I reminded myself it never did anything for all the Garrison and ex-Scouts back home who couldn't forget what they'd seen.
[Eren feels something tug down at his mouth, but he ignores it. The swelling feeling in his chest is harder to ignore. He recalls sitting in Jean's lap, holding on for dear life. It feels too much has changed to go back to that place.
[Jean says he wants to see him, though. It's something. It's huge.
[Eren looks at his husband. If he were still the type to cry, maybe he would.]
I want to rest, but I want to see you again too. Both can be true.
[ There's a moment where Jean looks at the sketch, then carefully places the pencil on the page and sets the book aside, on their nightstand. Then he leans over, crawling over to where Eren lays and gently wrapping his arms around him.
Everything is different, and yet nothing has changed. He wishes he could lift Eren into his lap once again with ease; instead, he embraces him. ]
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I know I don't know you the best, but I do know you. I love you as you are. You fought with Mikasa, once, about last names. You thought we'd be happier if you were gone and we could be together.
We weren't. We told you we missed you and that's why we wanted to be with you here.
Come over when you can. I'll be in our room.
( > action )
What's gotten into you?
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[ He's playing a little obtuse, a sketchbook sitting on his lap with a pencil. He tilts his head at Eren, giving him a half annoyed look in turn. ]
You're the one who offered to pose.
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[Eren...blinks.]
You meant right now. [Statement, not question, but also? A question?]
I just...stand here?
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[ He shifts over, patting the bed where the sunbeam hits it. ]
I won't make you stand that long, come lay down. It'll be easier on you, and you can rest a while.
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How am I supposed to lay?
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His gaze rakes over Eren - because while Jean should make fun of him, he cuts an attractive figure. He keeps his hands in his metaphorical pants, though.
He almost says Eren doesn't need to pose, can lay however he feels - but then he reconsiders. Maybe that gives the impression he doesn't care. Instead, he offers: ]
Lay like you would if we were talking face to face in the bed.
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It's weird to do it without you actually lying down. [Drawled in that dry voice.
[He hesitates another few seconds, then scoots in on his side. Talking face to face in bed, they'd normally have their arms around each other, but there's obviously no way of doing that, so...he puts one arm behind his head and lets the other lay across the bed where Jean should be. He bends his knees at the angles he recalls from wrapping their legs together.
[He can't quite look at him.]
This is embarrassing...
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[ Drawled right back, Jean's tone is full of affectionate teasing. He watches Eren arrange himself, putting an arm behind his head like some kind of
french girlmodel from the interior.Even with the awkward expression, he looks cute. Jean is so insufferably fond of him; it might show in how his expression softens a little as he looks at Eren. ]
It doesn't look embarrassing, if it helps at all.
[ His gaze drops to the paper, starting to sketch, but he keeps talking. ]
I don't think we ever did this, before. You took - still take - a lot of photos, though.
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Seeing photos lets me piece things together. That's why.
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[ It's a genuine question. Jean has mostly narrated things that happened, but he's not sure if Eren wants to rely solely on Jean's recollection of things. ]
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Mostly just talking, I guess. And those photos.
I've started using that camera again too.
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Good. You should keep doing that - if I'm going to draw, you should keep taking pictures.
[ Jean flicks his eyes up, over the paper again, pencil stilling for a moment as he takes Eren in. After he's had his fill, or found what he's looking for, he resumes drawing. ]
Remember the first time I tried to make a soufflé?
[ They thought there was no way opening the stove early would ruin it... ]
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It wasn't here.
In that cottage. All three of us...
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[ There's a fond smile on Jean's face as he keeps sketching. ]
It still tasted good, though.
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[It's painful to think about now. It hurts that she's gone. Things can never be the same as that small period of time, never appreciated for how sacred it was.
[And no one's ever loved him the way Mikasa does. That's a fact to anyone that can see it. He just wonders how she'd feel if she could see him here now. There is forever an empty spot in he and Jean's bed.
[He's been quiet too long.]
We didn't have a bed for so long. We slept on the ground for months.
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Jean misses those times. He also knows they can't go back. ]
We didn't want to try to pile into one of the smaller ones for some reason.
[ They were still playing at platonic feelings. ]
... I still own the cottage. If you ever want to visit.
[ But Jean doesn't offer more than that, for the moment. ]
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What we have here. I like it too.
[This place is more luxurious than anything that should be in his hands, but still. It's nice...]
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He smiles down at the picture he's sketching. ]
When I was younger... I wanted a fancy house in the interior. I wanted a wife, and at least one child, and in the evenings I'd drink fancy whiskey.
[ Why is he telling Eren this with a smile on his face? Well: ]
I think I like what we have here, better. I enjoy the quiet. I enjoy sitting here with you even when we don't talk at all, and I don't have to spend my night at the bottom of a bottle.
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[But it's alright. It's alright to enjoy the sunset from their forest-facing window. It's alright to eat well. It's alright to be together while they can be.
[He tells himself this. He tries.]
Did you drink while I was gone? [Eren's voice doesn't change much, but it's intended to be a gentle question. He hates the idea of it.
[He just wonders if Jean missed him.]
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[ Jean says it softly, beginning to put details on the sketch. He starts with Eren's face. That blank, placid expression that he can't help but try and tilt into a little smile as he sketches it. It looks out of place, a little fake.
He leaves it for now. Wishful thinking. ]
I missed you terribly, and towards the end I thought you weren't coming back at all. I reminded myself it never did anything for all the Garrison and ex-Scouts back home who couldn't forget what they'd seen.
And I didn't want to try to forget you.
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After that, would it have been better if I didn't come back?
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[ The answer is immediate from Jean's lips, and he pauses his his drawing, looking up at Eren. Looking at Eren and feeling guilt wash over him.
He knows that Eren didn't want to return, but does he think he was unwanted? That Jean would rather he stayed home and died?
He drops his gaze back down to the drawing, though his pencil doesn't start moving again. ]
I'm selfish - and cruel, apparently. I know you want to rest, but I'll always want to see you again.
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[Jean says he wants to see him, though. It's something. It's huge.
[Eren looks at his husband. If he were still the type to cry, maybe he would.]
I want to rest, but I want to see you again too. Both can be true.
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Everything is different, and yet nothing has changed. He wishes he could lift Eren into his lap once again with ease; instead, he embraces him. ]
Then I'm okay being selfish, if you are too.
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I read that as "take a walk or take a train" and I was like somnius metro????
CHOO CHOO (also wrap?)