[Eren feels something tug down at his mouth, but he ignores it. The swelling feeling in his chest is harder to ignore. He recalls sitting in Jean's lap, holding on for dear life. It feels too much has changed to go back to that place.
[Jean says he wants to see him, though. It's something. It's huge.
[Eren looks at his husband. If he were still the type to cry, maybe he would.]
I want to rest, but I want to see you again too. Both can be true.
[ There's a moment where Jean looks at the sketch, then carefully places the pencil on the page and sets the book aside, on their nightstand. Then he leans over, crawling over to where Eren lays and gently wrapping his arms around him.
Everything is different, and yet nothing has changed. He wishes he could lift Eren into his lap once again with ease; instead, he embraces him. ]
[Eren feels a tightness in his throat, but he knows nothing will come of it. He swallows it down, slowly snaking his arms back around Jean. He loosely holds handfuls of fabric.
[This is his husband; his body, his scent, his temperature, his voice. Eren hasn't been in the best mindset, lately, when it comes to him, but in this moment, he feels that familiar sense of calm that he's so used to this body, this scent, this temperature, this voice bringing...]
I am selfish. [His voice croaks just slightly. He clears his throat.] I'm shit. I can't change.
[ Jean spreads his hands across Eren's back, letting his fingers press against skin. He's shirtless and Jean simply draws him closer, letting one hand trace up and down along the knobs of his spine.
They're both selfish. Eren is shit, but he won't affirm that right now. ]
I love you no matter what you are, Eren.
[ He can't say he's never asked Eren to change. He did, once upon a time. Eren tried here, oh did he try, but Jean had to accept the same fact that Eren did: there was no path that did not end in the rumbling and the loss of eighty percent of humanity.
He leans their foreheads together, eyes falling closed. ]
I know I've been unfair. But ... I really do want you to rest, if you can, or at least take it easy. I can take care of the rest.
You weren't unfair. [Eren's voice has gotten quiet. There's no need to speak loudly when they're this close. Their foreheads are together, Eren's eyes squeezed shut.]
I love you. [He's struggled to say it to anyone else, but not to Jean, despite everything...] And I am.
All I do lately is sleep. Maruki is helping me fill in my memories...
[ He could argue he was needlessly cruel, then but he has a feeling it'd be a losing fight. Eren knows what he did, after all. Jean keeps his eyes closed; there's no need to look right now. ]
If there's anything I can do to help with your memories, I will.
If you don't want to rest, we can do something else. Read a book or take a walk, or train. Whatever you want.
I read that as "take a walk or take a train" and I was like somnius metro????
[Eren's arms settle in heavier around Jean and squeeze. He hooks their ankles together, tangling their legs up close.]
There's no need to coddle me. [He has to say it. But...]
Whatever you want to do, I don't care. I want to be near you. That's all, Jean. [He won't ask for anything else. Jean can hate him the entire time he loves him if that's what it takes. Eren's earned that.
[He just wants to be near the ones he loves while he still can be.]
[ Jean doesn't stop Eren from tangling their legs together, making sure to hook one calf over Eren's. Even like this, after everything, it feels just as right as it did the first time. Familiar, comforting. ]
I don't coddle you.
[ He did, a little, when Eren was younger here; not anymore, he's resolved. ]
Then I'll tell you about the stars, and the planets, I've been learning about.
[ And, if Eren has no objections, he'll do just that. He's sure he's heard some of it before, from Armin. But he talks about galaxies, nebulas, planets; how the light in the sky takes thousands of years to reach them. How some of the stars are already dead, and they won't know it for a long time.
He tells him everything he knows, until his voice drifts off, and they're left in silence, holding each other close. ]
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[ The answer is immediate from Jean's lips, and he pauses his his drawing, looking up at Eren. Looking at Eren and feeling guilt wash over him.
He knows that Eren didn't want to return, but does he think he was unwanted? That Jean would rather he stayed home and died?
He drops his gaze back down to the drawing, though his pencil doesn't start moving again. ]
I'm selfish - and cruel, apparently. I know you want to rest, but I'll always want to see you again.
no subject
[Jean says he wants to see him, though. It's something. It's huge.
[Eren looks at his husband. If he were still the type to cry, maybe he would.]
I want to rest, but I want to see you again too. Both can be true.
no subject
Everything is different, and yet nothing has changed. He wishes he could lift Eren into his lap once again with ease; instead, he embraces him. ]
Then I'm okay being selfish, if you are too.
no subject
[This is his husband; his body, his scent, his temperature, his voice. Eren hasn't been in the best mindset, lately, when it comes to him, but in this moment, he feels that familiar sense of calm that he's so used to this body, this scent, this temperature, this voice bringing...]
I am selfish. [His voice croaks just slightly. He clears his throat.] I'm shit. I can't change.
I want you anyway.
no subject
They're both selfish. Eren is shit, but he won't affirm that right now. ]
I love you no matter what you are, Eren.
[ He can't say he's never asked Eren to change. He did, once upon a time. Eren tried here, oh did he try, but Jean had to accept the same fact that Eren did: there was no path that did not end in the rumbling and the loss of eighty percent of humanity.
He leans their foreheads together, eyes falling closed. ]
I know I've been unfair. But ... I really do want you to rest, if you can, or at least take it easy. I can take care of the rest.
no subject
I love you. [He's struggled to say it to anyone else, but not to Jean, despite everything...] And I am.
All I do lately is sleep. Maruki is helping me fill in my memories...
no subject
If there's anything I can do to help with your memories, I will.
If you don't want to rest, we can do something else. Read a book or take a walk, or train. Whatever you want.
I read that as "take a walk or take a train" and I was like somnius metro????
There's no need to coddle me. [He has to say it. But...]
Whatever you want to do, I don't care. I want to be near you. That's all, Jean. [He won't ask for anything else. Jean can hate him the entire time he loves him if that's what it takes. Eren's earned that.
[He just wants to be near the ones he loves while he still can be.]
CHOO CHOO (also wrap?)
I don't coddle you.
[ He did, a little, when Eren was younger here; not anymore, he's resolved. ]
Then I'll tell you about the stars, and the planets, I've been learning about.
[ And, if Eren has no objections, he'll do just that. He's sure he's heard some of it before, from Armin. But he talks about galaxies, nebulas, planets; how the light in the sky takes thousands of years to reach them. How some of the stars are already dead, and they won't know it for a long time.
He tells him everything he knows, until his voice drifts off, and they're left in silence, holding each other close. ]