[It occurs to Eren that, maybe, these are memories he'd meant to shove down. Living in the cottage with Jean and Mikasa, where guests were rarely invited, where moments were shared only between the three of them, had felt almost like having a home again - not quite, but close. He and Mikasa washed the dishes just like they did growing up. Jean would dote on both of them. Eren slept in the middle. He felt supremely loved - so much so that it sickened him, as things got worse.
[It's painful to think about now. It hurts that she's gone. Things can never be the same as that small period of time, never appreciated for how sacred it was.
[And no one's ever loved him the way Mikasa does. That's a fact to anyone that can see it. He just wonders how she'd feel if she could see him here now. There is forever an empty spot in he and Jean's bed.
[He's been quiet too long.]
We didn't have a bed for so long. We slept on the ground for months.
[ The start of their relationship, really. All three of them huddling together, ostensibly for warmth but really for comfort. All three too used to sharing space with a dozen, two dozen others in close proximity; having an entire room felt (and still feels) luxurious beyond belief. The beds that were too soft, too high off the ground (or not high enough).
Jean misses those times. He also knows they can't go back. ]
We didn't want to try to pile into one of the smaller ones for some reason.
[ They were still playing at platonic feelings. ]
... I still own the cottage. If you ever want to visit.
[ But Jean doesn't offer more than that, for the moment. ]
[Eren is quiet. Even fond memories of the cottage feel tainted to this day. He's not the sort to let go of a grudge. How would he feel walking through the door now?]
What we have here. I like it too.
[This place is more luxurious than anything that should be in his hands, but still. It's nice...]
[ It is nice - there's a plethora of space for anyone to stay with them, from at home or new bonds formed here. They have plenty of animals, and Jean is still trying to start up an herb garden - he doesn't have as much of a green thumb as he'd like.
He smiles down at the picture he's sketching. ]
When I was younger... I wanted a fancy house in the interior. I wanted a wife, and at least one child, and in the evenings I'd drink fancy whiskey.
[ Why is he telling Eren this with a smile on his face? Well: ]
I think I like what we have here, better. I enjoy the quiet. I enjoy sitting here with you even when we don't talk at all, and I don't have to spend my night at the bottom of a bottle.
[Eren has to force himself to let Jean have this, and to let himself have it, too, if only for the moment. One way or another, this reality will be dealt with. Control will be relinquished. Decisions will have to be made. And those decisions may be at the expense of things like a peaceful life in a quiet farmhouse.
[But it's alright. It's alright to enjoy the sunset from their forest-facing window. It's alright to eat well. It's alright to be together while they can be.
[He tells himself this. He tries.]
Did you drink while I was gone? [Eren's voice doesn't change much, but it's intended to be a gentle question. He hates the idea of it.
[ Jean says it softly, beginning to put details on the sketch. He starts with Eren's face. That blank, placid expression that he can't help but try and tilt into a little smile as he sketches it. It looks out of place, a little fake.
He leaves it for now. Wishful thinking. ]
I missed you terribly, and towards the end I thought you weren't coming back at all. I reminded myself it never did anything for all the Garrison and ex-Scouts back home who couldn't forget what they'd seen.
[Eren feels something tug down at his mouth, but he ignores it. The swelling feeling in his chest is harder to ignore. He recalls sitting in Jean's lap, holding on for dear life. It feels too much has changed to go back to that place.
[Jean says he wants to see him, though. It's something. It's huge.
[Eren looks at his husband. If he were still the type to cry, maybe he would.]
I want to rest, but I want to see you again too. Both can be true.
[ There's a moment where Jean looks at the sketch, then carefully places the pencil on the page and sets the book aside, on their nightstand. Then he leans over, crawling over to where Eren lays and gently wrapping his arms around him.
Everything is different, and yet nothing has changed. He wishes he could lift Eren into his lap once again with ease; instead, he embraces him. ]
[Eren feels a tightness in his throat, but he knows nothing will come of it. He swallows it down, slowly snaking his arms back around Jean. He loosely holds handfuls of fabric.
[This is his husband; his body, his scent, his temperature, his voice. Eren hasn't been in the best mindset, lately, when it comes to him, but in this moment, he feels that familiar sense of calm that he's so used to this body, this scent, this temperature, this voice bringing...]
I am selfish. [His voice croaks just slightly. He clears his throat.] I'm shit. I can't change.
[ Jean spreads his hands across Eren's back, letting his fingers press against skin. He's shirtless and Jean simply draws him closer, letting one hand trace up and down along the knobs of his spine.
They're both selfish. Eren is shit, but he won't affirm that right now. ]
I love you no matter what you are, Eren.
[ He can't say he's never asked Eren to change. He did, once upon a time. Eren tried here, oh did he try, but Jean had to accept the same fact that Eren did: there was no path that did not end in the rumbling and the loss of eighty percent of humanity.
He leans their foreheads together, eyes falling closed. ]
I know I've been unfair. But ... I really do want you to rest, if you can, or at least take it easy. I can take care of the rest.
You weren't unfair. [Eren's voice has gotten quiet. There's no need to speak loudly when they're this close. Their foreheads are together, Eren's eyes squeezed shut.]
I love you. [He's struggled to say it to anyone else, but not to Jean, despite everything...] And I am.
All I do lately is sleep. Maruki is helping me fill in my memories...
[ He could argue he was needlessly cruel, then but he has a feeling it'd be a losing fight. Eren knows what he did, after all. Jean keeps his eyes closed; there's no need to look right now. ]
If there's anything I can do to help with your memories, I will.
If you don't want to rest, we can do something else. Read a book or take a walk, or train. Whatever you want.
I read that as "take a walk or take a train" and I was like somnius metro????
[Eren's arms settle in heavier around Jean and squeeze. He hooks their ankles together, tangling their legs up close.]
There's no need to coddle me. [He has to say it. But...]
Whatever you want to do, I don't care. I want to be near you. That's all, Jean. [He won't ask for anything else. Jean can hate him the entire time he loves him if that's what it takes. Eren's earned that.
[He just wants to be near the ones he loves while he still can be.]
[ Jean doesn't stop Eren from tangling their legs together, making sure to hook one calf over Eren's. Even like this, after everything, it feels just as right as it did the first time. Familiar, comforting. ]
I don't coddle you.
[ He did, a little, when Eren was younger here; not anymore, he's resolved. ]
Then I'll tell you about the stars, and the planets, I've been learning about.
[ And, if Eren has no objections, he'll do just that. He's sure he's heard some of it before, from Armin. But he talks about galaxies, nebulas, planets; how the light in the sky takes thousands of years to reach them. How some of the stars are already dead, and they won't know it for a long time.
He tells him everything he knows, until his voice drifts off, and they're left in silence, holding each other close. ]
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no subject
It wasn't here.
In that cottage. All three of us...
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[ There's a fond smile on Jean's face as he keeps sketching. ]
It still tasted good, though.
no subject
[It's painful to think about now. It hurts that she's gone. Things can never be the same as that small period of time, never appreciated for how sacred it was.
[And no one's ever loved him the way Mikasa does. That's a fact to anyone that can see it. He just wonders how she'd feel if she could see him here now. There is forever an empty spot in he and Jean's bed.
[He's been quiet too long.]
We didn't have a bed for so long. We slept on the ground for months.
no subject
Jean misses those times. He also knows they can't go back. ]
We didn't want to try to pile into one of the smaller ones for some reason.
[ They were still playing at platonic feelings. ]
... I still own the cottage. If you ever want to visit.
[ But Jean doesn't offer more than that, for the moment. ]
no subject
What we have here. I like it too.
[This place is more luxurious than anything that should be in his hands, but still. It's nice...]
no subject
He smiles down at the picture he's sketching. ]
When I was younger... I wanted a fancy house in the interior. I wanted a wife, and at least one child, and in the evenings I'd drink fancy whiskey.
[ Why is he telling Eren this with a smile on his face? Well: ]
I think I like what we have here, better. I enjoy the quiet. I enjoy sitting here with you even when we don't talk at all, and I don't have to spend my night at the bottom of a bottle.
no subject
[But it's alright. It's alright to enjoy the sunset from their forest-facing window. It's alright to eat well. It's alright to be together while they can be.
[He tells himself this. He tries.]
Did you drink while I was gone? [Eren's voice doesn't change much, but it's intended to be a gentle question. He hates the idea of it.
[He just wonders if Jean missed him.]
no subject
[ Jean says it softly, beginning to put details on the sketch. He starts with Eren's face. That blank, placid expression that he can't help but try and tilt into a little smile as he sketches it. It looks out of place, a little fake.
He leaves it for now. Wishful thinking. ]
I missed you terribly, and towards the end I thought you weren't coming back at all. I reminded myself it never did anything for all the Garrison and ex-Scouts back home who couldn't forget what they'd seen.
And I didn't want to try to forget you.
no subject
After that, would it have been better if I didn't come back?
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[ The answer is immediate from Jean's lips, and he pauses his his drawing, looking up at Eren. Looking at Eren and feeling guilt wash over him.
He knows that Eren didn't want to return, but does he think he was unwanted? That Jean would rather he stayed home and died?
He drops his gaze back down to the drawing, though his pencil doesn't start moving again. ]
I'm selfish - and cruel, apparently. I know you want to rest, but I'll always want to see you again.
no subject
[Jean says he wants to see him, though. It's something. It's huge.
[Eren looks at his husband. If he were still the type to cry, maybe he would.]
I want to rest, but I want to see you again too. Both can be true.
no subject
Everything is different, and yet nothing has changed. He wishes he could lift Eren into his lap once again with ease; instead, he embraces him. ]
Then I'm okay being selfish, if you are too.
no subject
[This is his husband; his body, his scent, his temperature, his voice. Eren hasn't been in the best mindset, lately, when it comes to him, but in this moment, he feels that familiar sense of calm that he's so used to this body, this scent, this temperature, this voice bringing...]
I am selfish. [His voice croaks just slightly. He clears his throat.] I'm shit. I can't change.
I want you anyway.
no subject
They're both selfish. Eren is shit, but he won't affirm that right now. ]
I love you no matter what you are, Eren.
[ He can't say he's never asked Eren to change. He did, once upon a time. Eren tried here, oh did he try, but Jean had to accept the same fact that Eren did: there was no path that did not end in the rumbling and the loss of eighty percent of humanity.
He leans their foreheads together, eyes falling closed. ]
I know I've been unfair. But ... I really do want you to rest, if you can, or at least take it easy. I can take care of the rest.
no subject
I love you. [He's struggled to say it to anyone else, but not to Jean, despite everything...] And I am.
All I do lately is sleep. Maruki is helping me fill in my memories...
no subject
If there's anything I can do to help with your memories, I will.
If you don't want to rest, we can do something else. Read a book or take a walk, or train. Whatever you want.
I read that as "take a walk or take a train" and I was like somnius metro????
There's no need to coddle me. [He has to say it. But...]
Whatever you want to do, I don't care. I want to be near you. That's all, Jean. [He won't ask for anything else. Jean can hate him the entire time he loves him if that's what it takes. Eren's earned that.
[He just wants to be near the ones he loves while he still can be.]
CHOO CHOO (also wrap?)
I don't coddle you.
[ He did, a little, when Eren was younger here; not anymore, he's resolved. ]
Then I'll tell you about the stars, and the planets, I've been learning about.
[ And, if Eren has no objections, he'll do just that. He's sure he's heard some of it before, from Armin. But he talks about galaxies, nebulas, planets; how the light in the sky takes thousands of years to reach them. How some of the stars are already dead, and they won't know it for a long time.
He tells him everything he knows, until his voice drifts off, and they're left in silence, holding each other close. ]