[That apparent question hangs in Eren's mind for the rest of the day. It's only an idle thing, but curious. It's rare for him to cling so tightly to one little thing like that. He's still thinking about it when they make it up to the windmill loft. There's never any hesitation in crawling under blankets. The windmill is drafty and cold.
[They've only just laid down, but Eren's arms are already around Maruki's middle, Eren curled up on his side with his chin tucked over the man's shoulder. It's odd to remember how he used to hesitate to get close.]
[ It takes only seconds for Maruki to be held entirely. He relaxes back against Eren, lays an arm over the ones wrapped around his waist, runs his fingers back and forth over Eren's forearm.
It takes a few seconds longer for him to remember, and then: ]
Oh, right! I was– [ He turns his head, immediately comes face to face with Eren tucked over his shoulder. A beat, and Maruki smiles, momentarily arrested. ] Hi. I was just wondering...
[ How to put this... ]
Is everything okay? With the farm, I mean. Don't get me wrong, I like having you at the machiya– I want that, I just... was curious.
[For whatever reason, his first instinct is to play dumb. He shakes that off pretty quick. Having at least one person that you can't lie to is freeing in its own way...]
I don't know. [He really doesn't. Everything seems fine, but...]
[ Sometimes in the windmill, it's all too easy to pretend they really do exist in an empty world. Reality slips away and it's only them, only the creaky quiet of the loft.
But that's not the case. There's a whole world out there. And Eren shouldn't be in it.
He never wanted a big place like that, yet he wants all the people he cares about nearby. As ever, his other half is a contradiction. Maruki gives those words the weight they deserve for a few silent moments before speaking again. ]
Do you feel that way at the machiya too? It's okay if you do. I'm just trying to understand.
[ Maruki understands more than Eren can possibly know. He will always hold in his heart the time that he and Akechi spent alone in that home together, when Eren was the only guest. Opening the home up has been his decision every time, and he's never regretted it, but there was something to be said for that period of total solitude with the two people he's destined to know across all of reality.
For Eren, it's surely about acceptance. Maruki doesn't have to ask that, he can guess it. ]
Okay. That's good to know. I want you to be comfortable, though. Life is difficult enough without feeling like you don't have a place to rest.
[ Eren may want to hide away, but Maruki doesn't allow it for much longer. He rolls over to face Eren, still held tight in the circle of his arms, and brings a hand up rest over his nape. ]
[Eren wants to hide away, but Maruki only allows what's best for him; Eren's trust is complete. He looks into eyes that he always takes time to memorize. He'll know them time and time again.]
[ Well, that's something they'll never agree on. ]
It isn't only your fault.
[ Eren is lying to everyone. Certainly, some of the blame rests on his shoulders.
But Maruki has been of the opinion for some time now that others don't try hard enough to accept Eren as he is so that he doesn't feel the need to lie. That's not Eren's fault, not by far. ]
You do what you have to do for self-preservation. Whether it's right or not, the fact remains that you wouldn't have to if others acted differently. It's a two-way street, Eren.
[Eren can't argue with self-preservation. All he's ever known is self-preservation, but when he says that it's his fault, he isn't talking about the mask he wears.
[They're face to face, and Eren can't look anywhere else. There's something wild in the barely restrained pain on his face. Without meaning to, he grips Maruki tighter.]
But it is my fault. [He can barely hear himself. He blinks and sees endless, endless, endless cycles.
[His mouth is hanging open. It takes him a while to pull it closed again.]
[ Slowly, tenderly, both hands come up to cup Eren's cheeks. He's exhausted, pained – always exhausted, always pained. Maruki will anchor him through it, as he always does.
One thumb strokes over a cheekbone as he lowers his voice, though no one is around to hear them. ]
Talk to me. Tell me what you mean. You're safe, Eren.
[Like a voice promising him, "I won't be mad." Eren replayed those scenes a thousand times too. It's the only way he could remember what her voice sounded like.
[His face is held, but his eyes drift away, stare past whatever's in front of them. He feels his jaw click, mouth open again, searching for words to explain the impossible. Tears have welled up hot in his eyes, but he doesn't notice them.]
With the Founding Titan's power, I could manipulate time. Eldian bodies. And so...
[His voice isn't cold, but there's no emotion, either. He sounds like he's reading from a page in a language he's still learning.]
It all had to happen. For the Rumbling to happen, it all had to happen. And I couldn't change it. I tried, but over and over again...
[His voice breaks off with some glottal sound, and his eyes refocus. He looks at Maruki, every muscle on his face shifting into the face of someone who can't believe what they're hearing. He chews on air for another moment, and then:]
My mother. I sent that titan her way. I had to, for Bertholdt to live, so...
[His shoulders shrug, and he still has that terrible, lost looks, even as tears spill over and slip down his cheeks.]
[ For all of their Sameness, Maruki and Eren are not actually the same.
It's a stone he's turned over countless times in his own mind: If given the chance to change what happened to him, what happened to Rumi, to her family, he wouldn't. It's his greatest regret, the great loss that will haunt him across all realities, and there isn't a single thing he would do differently. Everything had to happen as it did to bring him to where he is now in his life, the gossamer thin veil shrouding reality from the collective unconscious a hair's breadth from his grasp. His goal may have changed, but his other self will always have the power of a god, and that isn't something he can ever lose.
But Maruki had no hand in those events. They happened to him, not because of him.
Learning that Eren was the one to set in motion not only the undoing of his reality, but of himself, of what– who he loved most–
It only makes sense, in the worst way. And it's something Maruki can never begin to understand, not really. Not in practice.
But he can accept. He can breathe, chest rising and falling deep and even where it's pressed against Eren's. He can wipe away hot tears and hold the gaze of the person he adores with every last scrap of his soul, not in spite of the horrible things Eren tells him, but because of them.
He can love. ]
I understand what you're saying now. [ Impossibly soft, unbearably gentle. ] You had to, no matter the consequences. You had to. But, Eren...
[ Maruki shifts to gather Eren up in his arms, pulls him in as close as they can get, holds him tight. Tighter. ]
Even if it was your fault. You're still allowed to hurt.
[ And then, through a kiss pressed to his forehead: ]
[Eren all but retches, and he gasps, "No," then promptly stops breathing. He burrows in deep against Maruki, shaking his head, nothing less than pure panic seizing every inch of him.]
Not letting yourself feel that isn't any better, Eren. For you or for her memory.
[ It hurts. It hurts him, so he can't imagine how much it hurts Eren.
And he isn't strong enough for this, not really, but he still does his best to try to sit up so he can pull Eren into his lap, clumsy and desperate to hold him as he deserves. ]
cw: parent death/grief THIS WHOLE THREAD how did this happen
[Their difference in strength and size rarely seems to matter at times like these. One moment, Eren is on the ground, and the next, he's in Maruki's lap, wrapped around him. Somewhere in between, panic shattered all at once into misery. Eren sobs unlike Maruki has ever heard him, when Maruki has heard more than anyone.]
But it's my fault. I killed her. She loved me more than anyone, and I killed her.
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Of course. We did it once before, actually, although I only had my phone to use then... Do you remember that?
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These cameras are pretty nice. Dolph showed me how to change some of the settings. It came with an instruction guide too, but it's pretty confusing.
[Now who's being the nerd?]
I figured I'd ask for a dark room too.
[They can probably develop photos up in that new fancy city or whatever, but...Eren really wants to do it himself.]
Also, I was wrong. I'd do anything with you. I can't really think of anything that I wouldn't.
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I'll come over to the farm tonight so I can take a look at your camera before I make my wish. I could stay over, if you want...?
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1/2
Can I ask you something?
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( > action )
[They've only just laid down, but Eren's arms are already around Maruki's middle, Eren curled up on his side with his chin tucked over the man's shoulder. It's odd to remember how he used to hesitate to get close.]
What were you going to ask me?
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It takes a few seconds longer for him to remember, and then: ]
Oh, right! I was– [ He turns his head, immediately comes face to face with Eren tucked over his shoulder. A beat, and Maruki smiles, momentarily arrested. ] Hi. I was just wondering...
[ How to put this... ]
Is everything okay? With the farm, I mean. Don't get me wrong, I like having you at the machiya– I want that, I just... was curious.
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I don't know. [He really doesn't. Everything seems fine, but...]
I've never felt right there.
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Was that the case before you returned, too?
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I never wanted a big place like that. I never wanted any place. I shouldn't be here at all, so I hate it.
It's worse now though.
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But that's not the case. There's a whole world out there. And Eren shouldn't be in it.
He never wanted a big place like that, yet he wants all the people he cares about nearby. As ever, his other half is a contradiction. Maruki gives those words the weight they deserve for a few silent moments before speaking again. ]
Do you feel that way at the machiya too? It's okay if you do. I'm just trying to understand.
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When it was only you and Akechi, I didn't. Not really.
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For Eren, it's surely about acceptance. Maruki doesn't have to ask that, he can guess it. ]
Okay. That's good to know. I want you to be comfortable, though. Life is difficult enough without feeling like you don't have a place to rest.
[ Eren may want to hide away, but Maruki doesn't allow it for much longer. He rolls over to face Eren, still held tight in the circle of his arms, and brings a hand up rest over his nape. ]
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It's my fault.
I'm still lying to everyone.
[He hates it. He always has.]
I can't stop.
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It isn't only your fault.
[ Eren is lying to everyone. Certainly, some of the blame rests on his shoulders.
But Maruki has been of the opinion for some time now that others don't try hard enough to accept Eren as he is so that he doesn't feel the need to lie. That's not Eren's fault, not by far. ]
You do what you have to do for self-preservation. Whether it's right or not, the fact remains that you wouldn't have to if others acted differently. It's a two-way street, Eren.
oh no
[They're face to face, and Eren can't look anywhere else. There's something wild in the barely restrained pain on his face. Without meaning to, he grips Maruki tighter.]
But it is my fault. [He can barely hear himself. He blinks and sees endless, endless, endless cycles.
[His mouth is hanging open. It takes him a while to pull it closed again.]
All of it. Not just the Rumbling. All...of it.
sobs SOBS
One thumb strokes over a cheekbone as he lowers his voice, though no one is around to hear them. ]
Talk to me. Tell me what you mean. You're safe, Eren.
HHHHHHHHH
familiar.
[Like a voice promising him, "I won't be mad." Eren replayed those scenes a thousand times too. It's the only way he could remember what her voice sounded like.
[His face is held, but his eyes drift away, stare past whatever's in front of them. He feels his jaw click, mouth open again, searching for words to explain the impossible. Tears have welled up hot in his eyes, but he doesn't notice them.]
With the Founding Titan's power, I could manipulate time. Eldian bodies. And so...
[His voice isn't cold, but there's no emotion, either. He sounds like he's reading from a page in a language he's still learning.]
It all had to happen. For the Rumbling to happen, it all had to happen. And I couldn't change it. I tried, but over and over again...
[His voice breaks off with some glottal sound, and his eyes refocus. He looks at Maruki, every muscle on his face shifting into the face of someone who can't believe what they're hearing. He chews on air for another moment, and then:]
My mother. I sent that titan her way. I had to, for Bertholdt to live, so...
[His shoulders shrug, and he still has that terrible, lost looks, even as tears spill over and slip down his cheeks.]
See? It is. All of it.
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It's a stone he's turned over countless times in his own mind: If given the chance to change what happened to him, what happened to Rumi, to her family, he wouldn't. It's his greatest regret, the great loss that will haunt him across all realities, and there isn't a single thing he would do differently. Everything had to happen as it did to bring him to where he is now in his life, the gossamer thin veil shrouding reality from the collective unconscious a hair's breadth from his grasp. His goal may have changed, but his other self will always have the power of a god, and that isn't something he can ever lose.
But Maruki had no hand in those events. They happened to him, not because of him.
Learning that Eren was the one to set in motion not only the undoing of his reality, but of himself, of what– who he loved most–
It only makes sense, in the worst way. And it's something Maruki can never begin to understand, not really. Not in practice.
But he can accept. He can breathe, chest rising and falling deep and even where it's pressed against Eren's. He can wipe away hot tears and hold the gaze of the person he adores with every last scrap of his soul, not in spite of the horrible things Eren tells him, but because of them.
He can love. ]
I understand what you're saying now. [ Impossibly soft, unbearably gentle. ] You had to, no matter the consequences. You had to. But, Eren...
[ Maruki shifts to gather Eren up in his arms, pulls him in as close as they can get, holds him tight. Tighter. ]
Even if it was your fault. You're still allowed to hurt.
[ And then, through a kiss pressed to his forehead: ]
You're still allowed to grieve.
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No. No, she deserves better than that.
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Not letting yourself feel that isn't any better, Eren. For you or for her memory.
[ It hurts. It hurts him, so he can't imagine how much it hurts Eren.
And he isn't strong enough for this, not really, but he still does his best to try to sit up so he can pull Eren into his lap, clumsy and desperate to hold him as he deserves. ]
cw: parent death/grief THIS WHOLE THREAD how did this happen
But it's my fault. I killed her. She loved me more than anyone, and I killed her.
YEAH OOPS. OOPS!!!
I emerge from a night of labyrinthum threading covered in blood
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I stopped sleeping to kill you in yours