[Eren all but retches, and he gasps, "No," then promptly stops breathing. He burrows in deep against Maruki, shaking his head, nothing less than pure panic seizing every inch of him.]
Not letting yourself feel that isn't any better, Eren. For you or for her memory.
[ It hurts. It hurts him, so he can't imagine how much it hurts Eren.
And he isn't strong enough for this, not really, but he still does his best to try to sit up so he can pull Eren into his lap, clumsy and desperate to hold him as he deserves. ]
cw: parent death/grief THIS WHOLE THREAD how did this happen
[Their difference in strength and size rarely seems to matter at times like these. One moment, Eren is on the ground, and the next, he's in Maruki's lap, wrapped around him. Somewhere in between, panic shattered all at once into misery. Eren sobs unlike Maruki has ever heard him, when Maruki has heard more than anyone.]
But it's my fault. I killed her. She loved me more than anyone, and I killed her.
[ He's thought that nothing could sound worse than Eren's wretched, gagging, wailing sobs over the loss of Mikasa, or the grief-laden scream he let out that first night that they were reunited and Maruki showed him his first tenderness in years.
This is worse. Phenomenally, infinitely worse. Maruki can do nothing but cling to him tighter than ever, body swaying slightly as if to rock him, head bent down low to speak close to his ear. ]
She loved you. And you love her. That's what matters, in the end– that's what endures. Even beyond death. It's okay to feel it. It is...
I emerge from a night of labyrinthum threading covered in blood
I do. [That's the most miserable sob yet. His body lurches with it, and his fingers dig into Maruki's back, more than hard enough to hurt.
[He repeats it, barely loud enough to hear: "I do. I do. I love her. I swear I do."
[He whispers other things too - tells Maruki about his longstanding fear that she'll arrive in the garden, how he can't imagine a worse Hell than always wondering, knowing that he couldn't face her either way, always turning over his shoulder to look for her anyway.
[He cries until he has to stop to keep from throwing up. He's reminded to breathe, but he isn't sure if Maruki's just said it, or if it's just that voice he always hears in his head.
[Everything seems to shut down all at once after that. Eren goes deathly silent, were it not for still heavy breathing. At some point, he gains hold of Maruki's hand and toys with it, head resting heavy on the man's shoulder. He feels dazed.
[ Maruki holds him through it all. It's all he can do, in the end. Hold Eren close, even when he grips bruises into Maruki's back, even when his tears choke and gag him through another miserable confession, even when he finally goes still and limp, entirely spent.
His own cheeks are a bit damp too. He can't help it. To see Eren cry like this– only a monster would be able to withstand it without crying with him. His soul's love's pain is his pain too. He's just as exhausted, by the end of it...
Maruki strokes the hand that hasn't been taking through Eren's hair, soothing in its compulsion, and rests his cheek down against Eren's head. ]
You can't destroy me. I can't lose you. It's why we're eternal.
[ A long, heavy beat, and then it slips out, almost an afterthought despite the weight to the words: ]
You can call me Takuto. If you want. Just when we're alone, like this...
[ There's nothing to hide between them anymore. It's all laid bare, every last bit of it; the only thing Maruki has left to give is a name no one has spoken since the sun went down on a sterile hospital room. ]
[Eren leans just barely away. It's the first time he's managed to look at Maruki's face in...hours? He can't tell.
[He loves him. That's all that shows on his face. It's such a simple expression, no complicated layers. Blame that on the exhaustion, too, maybe. He seems distracted by Maruki's face, fingers slipping up under his glasses to brush tears away.
[ It's the strangest thing to hear after all this time, but– it's right for it to happen this way. Privately, Maruki's glad that no one else in Somnius ever saw fit to call him by his given name on their own, no matter how close they are. He can ease back into hearing it without immediately hearing wretched, panicked shrieks echoing off the walls with the person who makes him feel safest. It's fine. It will be fine.
The corners of his lips turn up, though the smile doesn't yet meet his tired eyes as Eren thumbs away the dampness beneath them. He squeezes Eren's hand, and the smile flickers warmer, more genuine. ]
You got it. Thank you...
[ Oh, they're both worn out. Maruki can feel it, heavy in the chilly air of the windmill. ]
[Eren obeys, a sniffling child. He tucks himself up under the blanket, then throws it over Maruki too. He pulls the covers all the way up over their heads until it's too dark to see, and then he moves close, waiting to be enveloped again.]
This is what I want. Just to stay like this. With you.
[ Darkness overtakes them, warms them through. Maruki takes just a moment to sneak a hand back out and place his glasses somewhere safe, but then his arm wraps around Eren to pull him in to lay his head against his chest, the two of them situating themselves in pitch black. ]
Then what's what we'll do. For as long as we can. [ Delicate fingers brush blindly over Eren's browbone before trying again for his hairline, fingertips mussing the loose strands. ] Don't worry about anything else right now. Just be here.
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No. No, she deserves better than that.
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Not letting yourself feel that isn't any better, Eren. For you or for her memory.
[ It hurts. It hurts him, so he can't imagine how much it hurts Eren.
And he isn't strong enough for this, not really, but he still does his best to try to sit up so he can pull Eren into his lap, clumsy and desperate to hold him as he deserves. ]
cw: parent death/grief THIS WHOLE THREAD how did this happen
But it's my fault. I killed her. She loved me more than anyone, and I killed her.
YEAH OOPS. OOPS!!!
This is worse. Phenomenally, infinitely worse. Maruki can do nothing but cling to him tighter than ever, body swaying slightly as if to rock him, head bent down low to speak close to his ear. ]
She loved you. And you love her. That's what matters, in the end– that's what endures. Even beyond death. It's okay to feel it. It is...
I emerge from a night of labyrinthum threading covered in blood
[He repeats it, barely loud enough to hear: "I do. I do. I love her. I swear I do."
[He whispers other things too - tells Maruki about his longstanding fear that she'll arrive in the garden, how he can't imagine a worse Hell than always wondering, knowing that he couldn't face her either way, always turning over his shoulder to look for her anyway.
[He cries until he has to stop to keep from throwing up. He's reminded to breathe, but he isn't sure if Maruki's just said it, or if it's just that voice he always hears in his head.
[Everything seems to shut down all at once after that. Eren goes deathly silent, were it not for still heavy breathing. At some point, he gains hold of Maruki's hand and toys with it, head resting heavy on the man's shoulder. He feels dazed.
[Murmurs:]
You're the only one I can't destroy. Maruki...
no subject
His own cheeks are a bit damp too. He can't help it. To see Eren cry like this– only a monster would be able to withstand it without crying with him. His soul's love's pain is his pain too. He's just as exhausted, by the end of it...
Maruki strokes the hand that hasn't been taking through Eren's hair, soothing in its compulsion, and rests his cheek down against Eren's head. ]
You can't destroy me. I can't lose you. It's why we're eternal.
[ A long, heavy beat, and then it slips out, almost an afterthought despite the weight to the words: ]
You can call me Takuto. If you want. Just when we're alone, like this...
[ There's nothing to hide between them anymore. It's all laid bare, every last bit of it; the only thing Maruki has left to give is a name no one has spoken since the sun went down on a sterile hospital room. ]
no subject
[He loves him. That's all that shows on his face. It's such a simple expression, no complicated layers. Blame that on the exhaustion, too, maybe. He seems distracted by Maruki's face, fingers slipping up under his glasses to brush tears away.
[Eren's never heard anyone call him...]
Takuto.
[Did he say it right?]
Takuto.
Okay...
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The corners of his lips turn up, though the smile doesn't yet meet his tired eyes as Eren thumbs away the dampness beneath them. He squeezes Eren's hand, and the smile flickers warmer, more genuine. ]
You got it. Thank you...
[ Oh, they're both worn out. Maruki can feel it, heavy in the chilly air of the windmill. ]
Lay back down with me. You should rest.
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This is what I want. Just to stay like this. With you.
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Then what's what we'll do. For as long as we can. [ Delicate fingers brush blindly over Eren's browbone before trying again for his hairline, fingertips mussing the loose strands. ] Don't worry about anything else right now. Just be here.
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I promise.
I stopped sleeping to kill you in yours
[She’s just washing dishes. He sits and watches her.
[That’s all.]