[ Maruki's not saying anything more than that. If he starts talking, he won't stop. If he stops walking, he won't start again. He's too much in his own mind, so far outside his body, everything on autopilot as high, tinny static grows louder in his ears.
He doesn't know if he should still stay on the phone, silent save for his breath, but he does just in case Eren has to tell him where to go. At this rate, they'll meet in the middle, and– what? Sit in another lantern-lit circle?
[Eren stays on the phone. Neither of them talk. At one point, he pulls the device away and gives a sharp whistle with his fingers. It cuts through the air.
[When he sees Maruki, he carelessly drops his phone to the ground and closes the space between them, gripping his friend by either bicep. He looks him in the eye.]
I'm here.
[Elke canters into view behind him. Eren doesn't move toward her just yet.]
We need to get away, right? We will. Just hold onto me, Maruki.
[ The hand holding his phone to his ear drops to his side, though his fingers stay white knuckle tight around it. Eren reaches for him – grounds him – and speaks impossible words.
Maruki glances behind him, sees Elke. Then back to his friend. He's far from blank. There's too much going on behind those eyes, even though his words come out stilted, numbed. ]
Where?
[ But he holds on. Phone pocketed, he brings his hands up to wrap around Eren's forearms, the two of them holding one another in place. He holds on. ]
He exhales, sharp with relief. Nods. Walks closer to Elke, heavy step by heavy step. ]
I've never ridden a horse...
[ He's deliberately avoided it for all the months they've spent on the farm. It terrifies him. Or it did, it should now– but it doesn't. He'll let Eren help him up. He'll do whatever Eren tells him to do so he doesn't get kicked off and die instantly, because horses are dangerous. He doesn't have any fear left over to spare. ]
Arms around his best friend, cheek smashing into his back as he leans forward onto him. It happens without Maruki meaning to, as if the weight of everything simply toppled him over.
[Eren takes off. Elke is fast and strong. Maruki wants to be far away from the machiya, and the farm isn't far enough. Eren doesn't know all the details yet; Kurusu is here, and he doesn't remember Maruki.
[It's the greatest sin he could commit
[That's fine. Eren will pick up the pieces. He'll spend two thousands years rebuilding Maruki out of sand. He'll return the care he's always been given. He won't leave Maruki's side.
[They make it to the windmill. Eren dismounts easily, but it will be tricky for his friend, who's never had to before. Eren reaches up to wrap his arms around Maruki's waist.]
Come on...[Assuming the man latches back onto him, he'll easily and safely pull him down.]
[ They'll have to do this again sometime in the future, when Maruki is cognizant enough to take in the excitement of the world rushing around them as Elke gallops along. He has just enough awareness to realize that he should be thinking about how cool this is, but not enough to actually do so.
They come to a stop, and Eren's all but hoisting him down onto the ground himself. Maruki doesn't have it in him to protest, to flail around trying to dismount himself. He simply wraps his arms around Eren's shoulders, lets it happen.
When his feet hit the ground, he finally speaks. ]
I told them I'd be back for dinner. If you could just– keep track of time for me.
Don't worry about them now. [He isn't going back there.
[Eren takes Maruki's hand and leads him into the windmill. There's a great urgency to be alone. No one else needs in on this conversation.
[The heavy door slams shut behind them. He turns and takes Maruki by the shoulders, gripping tight.
[What now?
[Eren takes his hands away; he pulls Maruki into his arms.
[Head to the chest, hand to head; there is no part of Eren that doesn't understand the devastation. Maruki doesn't have to explain. He's told Eren enough already; Eren has listened.]
[ The door closes, and the windmill is silent, so still that he can see dust particles floating through the weak sunbeams that filter in through the slatted windows.
And then he can't see anything at all. His face presses into Eren's chest, a hand at the back of his head. Strong, warm, safe. It's safe here. He's safe.
Maruki's fingers wind into the fabric of Eren's coat as he clings on, knuckles going pale and trembling with effort.
He doesn't have to explain, no, but it starts to spill out. ]
It's as if we never met.
[ That blank expression, confused and guarded in equal measure. That tension visible in the lines of his shoulders and jaw when Maruki was too familiar, too quickly.
[Where they're standing, Eren slowly, slowly, slowly begins to sink toward the ground. He never releases his hold, gently bringing Maruki with him.
[His dearest friend has forgotten him. The love of his life did too.
[Why should he have to stand?
[Eren brings them to the floor. He keep his knees bent, spaced apart, feet flat. There's plenty of room for Maruki to crumple against him. Eren will envelop.]
They want us to suffer. [A gentle hand through familiar hair.] We do...
[ Standing, sitting – Maruki will do whatever Eren does. There is something percolating inside him, but it isn't close to boiling over yet, and until it does he doesn't have the strength to do anything else. Eren sinks down, and so does he. Eren makes a space for him to collapse in, and so he does.
They want us to suffer, and they do, but can that really be it? ]
He's– there's almost a year separating what I last remember and what he does. He's lived beyond my time, even if he doesn't know me, and I just think–
[ Bile rises, swift and acrid. Maruki swallows it down, strangles out a little noise as he sits up straight. His arms around Eren's back fall loose, and he looks at his best friend face to face. There's nothing but abject terror in his wide eyes. ]
I just think, what if he lived through a future I had something to do with? What if I accidentally erased his memory of me too? [ It wouldn't be the first time. Eren knows that. He's panicked. ] It could be my fault. It could be.
[It's likely, even. Maruki knows this as well as Eren does; the terror in his eyes shows it. He's seen parts of his future - real, maybe, or maybe not - but, if Eren remembers correctly (always a gamble), there was no true confirmation. Kurusu is here now, the truth laid out before Eren's dear, dear friend.
[They can both see how it looks.
[Eren takes his friend by the shoulders, leveling their gaze.]
What you know about memories and what I know about memories can't compare. Remember what I told you.
They aren't so easy to destroy.
Maruki.
[Firm. There is no force stronger than you and I.]
Maruki...
[Gentle. Eren's hands massage at stiff muscle.]
That memory is alive. Suppressed, maybe, but it is alive.
[ There's so much desperation into Maruki's gaze. He wants to believe Eren. More than anything, he wants to believe that there's any possibility of the Akira that he knows still being somewhere in the boy who's found himself here. Actualization can be broken, after all – in another life, another reality, Yoshizawa unchained herself and railed against him with all she had. It's possible...
But that's supposing that it is Maruki's fault. And that's his fear, yes, but there's another one competing with it. In many ways, it terrifies him more. ]
I know. [ Whispered, then stronger. ] No, I know... But it could also be that we really are from different realities. [ His stomach lurches; he's pale, clammy. ] So, if that's the case...
[ Maruki falls quiet, the words refusing to come forth, and then he laughs. Wet and choking and without a single hint of mirth. One hand slips up beneath his glasses, heel of his palm digging into his eye as another bark of a laugh escapes. ]
I don't understand. How could we have never met?
[ It feels impossible. It should be impossible. His guiding light. ]
[Because not everyone is as inevitable as Maruki and Eren. Because not everyone meets their best friend in every reality. Because Kurusu isn't a god, capable of skipping through timelines and warping the very fabric of reality however he so chooses. Because Kurusu is not Eren, and so he's not Maruki, and so, they can only ever be separate, when everything ends, when there's only a wretched place like this left.
[That being said...]
You're meeting now. You get it, don't you? Think about it.
Even if this Kurusu is from a reality where you never met, he found you here. You found each other.
You and I...it's different with us, but...
Hythlodaeus followed us here too. If two people are meant to meet - if you believe that like I do, like we've talked about, then...
[It makes sense. He isn't placating Maruki. He wouldn't.]
This is where the story starts. He still needed you. He found you.
[ If I won in a world without you in it, I'll never lose in one that has you.
This is where the story starts. He still needed you. He found you.
It hurts. Worse than spilling his heart out about Rumi on a couch in the farmhouse, on a darkened path through the woods, in a bathhouse, on a starlit cliff. Worse than having his back gouged by a fallen kaiju, or his throat collapsing as a rock beats down against it, or being impaled and shredded by Rashomon. It hurts, sudden and visceral and blinding.
Maruki yanks off his glasses, sets them down on the floor somewhere beside them. Covers both eyes now, palms digging in, fingers winding up into his hair and hanging on tight. There's a burning in his chest as his teeth grit tight enough to shatter, and he tries to breathe, because it does make sense. It does. It makes sense. Maruki knows it does. But– ]
I don't want this.
[ Small, wretched, miserably selfish. Maruki shakes his head, grinds his palms against the heat rising up behind his eyes, clutches at his head like he used to during the migraines that preceded Azathoth.
It's not strictly true. Of course he wants to start their story again. Of course he wants anything to do with Akira, even if it's painful. Of course he will.
But there's an irrational part of him that he never allows to surface. Always tempered, always logical, always setting aside his own emotions to do what's right. That part of him doesn't want to have to rebuild something that's supposed to be so foundational. It's hard, and it hurts, and he doesn't want to do something so hard, he doesn't want to hurt. He doesn't want to hurt.
Another shake of his head, another pitiful admission through a wet, choked-off voice. ]
[Maruki's misery is laid out so plainly in front of Eren, and it hurts.
[Maruki, ever strong, ever steady, crumbling on the dusty floor of a nigh-abandoned windmill with only Eren's body there to anchor him. Eren has never seen his friend in a state like this.
[He shifts closer, pulling Maruki close against his chest, cradling his head as if he were a child, pressing his nose into his hair.]
I know. [Whispered. Fingers trail over Maruki's spine.]
I know. [He hasn't experienced it himself. It's difficult to imagine, given that, but he tries - tries to think of how it would feel to see Armin walk through town, not a hint of recognition on his face as their eyes meet--
[Eren takes a long, deep breath. He breathes against Maruki. He breathes so he can feel it. He breathes so his friend can breathe too.]
I know. [What else can he say? He closes his eyes. He kisses the top of Maruki's head, gentle, lingering. It's what Eren's mother would do for him. It's what Maruki would do for Eren.
[He rests his cheek there afterward, holding tight. Eren is not built to soothe, but he tries. He tries...]
[ It isn't a stretch to say this is one of the most phenomenal kindnesses Maruki has been shown in his life, in any reality. Eren holds him, lets him make himself as small and miserable as he feels, lets him repeat that selfish desire again and again, quiet and muffled into his chest until he feels the salt sting of tears beginning to make his throat hoarse.
He goes quiet after a bit. Goes still, heartbeat hammering against his ribs, like a slowly calming prey animal that hasn't yet learned to trust. Breathes, matches his breath to Eren's. He's held. Eren has got him.
They stay like that for some time. Eren would be forgiven for thinking Maruki has worn out already, taken one hit too many and collapsed silently in on himself, held upright only by two strong arms. If the pain was too great for Maruki to speak another word for the rest of the day, he knows that he would be allowed that silence.
But that bottomless despondent pit in his soul wasn't what manifested his persona, neither as a voice in his head in a hospital room, nor as a wavering vision of its true form while the sky above Tokyo turned dark and crimson. Maruki lives in grief, spends every day mired in sorrow – but when the chips were down, it was rage that propelled him forward first. ]
I don't have anything.
[ Still quiet, still muffled into the fabric of Eren's shirt. But it strikes somewhere deep in his chest, steel against flint, and he finds himself sitting up. ]
In the true reality. I have nothing.
[ Somewhere in the very back of his mind, there is a memory of a memory of a memory, like fogged glass submerged in water: Broken and beaten, high above Odaiba, mask thrown away, letting years worth of pain bubble up and burst forth by screaming at the person he trusted most.
The parallels hit him first; the bitter irony hits him next. He's wanted Akira here for a thousand different reasons. Chief among them to ask him about that, on the off chance he came from that future of theirs – to be able to talk to someone who was there for him at the lowest moment that he's yet to experience, who saw him at his worst.
Akira has lived beyond that without ever living it. He'll never know.
And now it's Eren who faces him as he boils over. He's already helped Maruki kill every last one of his regrets. He shouldn't have to do this too.
And yet.
There's no self-pity in his words. Only frustration, pent up tight for years, exacerbated by being in this fucking place, coalescing rapidly into anger. Eren hasn't heard him like this. No one has. ]
I have no family. No friends. No colleagues. No future for my career. No purpose. Nothing. Whether my future is inevitable or not, I'll go back to nothing– you won't be there. Akechi will die. Rumi doesn't remember me.
[ His voice breaks on her name, but it doesn't stop the fury from steadily compounding with every word. Somewhere along the line, he's pushed himself far enough back to face Eren on the floor, no longer wrapped in his arms. One of his hands presses hard into the center of his own sternum. He can't feel it. ]
I threw it all away– for nothing. [ The word has ripped out of him more viciously with every repetition, and it's all bloodied barbs now. ] I thought– if nothing else, there'll always be Kurusu– but even that isn't guaranteed, is it? Is it!?
[ If there was more to come after that, neither of them will ever know. Coherency dies as his rage hits its zenith, and all at once, Maruki buries his head down into his hands, one palm half-clasped over his mouth as he cries out, a sob and a scream all at once.
[Eren knows rage. Maruki only needs to sit up and shift away for the scent to hit his nostrils like a shark smelling blood. It doesn't matter that he's never seen it before. It doesn't matter that it's shocking. It doesn't matter that it's Maruki, and that Maruki isn't meant to get upset - Maruki isn't meant to scream, and cry, and condemn, and hate, and feel, and be, but Eren doesn't shy away.
[No, Eren would never shy away. Would never look upon him with disgust, or surprise, or disappointment.
[No.
[No.
[Because Eren knows very well who Takuto Maruki is. Eren knows very well who they are. Eren knows that a man does not bring the world to a ruin of his vision without hatred and misery in his heart.
[Maruki's rage would shock a weaker person, a stupider person, a person more easily tricked, but not Eren.
[Not. Eren.
[These are two men who cannot hide from each other - foolish that Maruki ever tried; Eren forgives him. The man raises up across from Eren, and Eren shifts onto his knees in return, mirroring his friend's height as his voice raises, disturbing birds nesting in the rafters of the windmill.
[They face each other. Eren holds Maruki's gaze, eyes burning, alight with shared fire, all the same vitriol for the world that destroyed him.
[No family, because Eren's ripped them apart, left their bodies strewn, bloody, wherever he found them; they left Maruki alone.
[No friends, because Eren has ground them all up between his mollars, tongue salted with viscera; they left Maruki alone.
[No colleagues, because Eren has razed their offices to rubble, bodies crushed beneath it, limbs sticking out at all the wrong angles, no better than bugs; they left Maruki alone.
[No Akira Kurusu, because Eren
will not
allow Maruki
to be crushed
again.
[If he cannot destroy, he will stalk, and prowl, and watch, and wait...
[For as long as it takes.
Forever.
[In this reality
and all realities.
[Because Maruki is wrong. He doesn't have nothing. He doesn't have no one.
[Eren's voice rumbles out low and vicious, more beast than man.]
You have me.
[Maruki is silent, his cry still echoing in Eren's ears. Eren brings a hand to his face, tender, deadly.]
Don't. Forget.
There is one guarantee in this place, that place, any place. [He spits the words.]
I am your inevitability. I am your guarantee.
And I will not. Leave your side.
There is no Hell strong enough to keep me from you.
None. [A new echo off of the stone walls.]
You know me well, Maruki, but even if you don't know the full reach of my power. [A thumb strokes lovingly over his cheek.]
He stays quiet save for his hunched shoulders heaving with every gasping breath as his body catches up to the millions of miles his mind ran without it. Keeps his face in his hands, the feeling slowly returning as his blood reduces to a simmer. Shame and embarrassment rise up hot and sharp before anything else, but–
Even that is tempered, because Maruki is listening.
He understands how Eren could raze the world. When he first found out about it, he'd felt a lot – shock, terror, despair, an unmistakable curiosity to know more – but he'd never felt a spark of kinship. Not until now, the worst rot of his soul having been laid bare in front of Eren over and over again, accepted and reflected back to him tenfold.
And in the end, it's what he needs to hear. It's more than reassurance, and the words aren't empty. It's very nearly a vow.
A hand against his cheek. He still doesn't lift his head, not until that singular promise echoes, and when he does–
I'll rip apart every last reality there is.
Maruki doesn't doubt it. Not at all.
He exhales, shaking so hard that it catches in his chest. Swipes angrily at each teary eye with the back of his wrist, shaking his head. ]
I haven't forgotten. I won't...
[ He blinks, tries to clear the blurred fog from his eyes. Eren is still a little out of focus without his glasses, and he squints to try to sharpen it, feeling pathetic. Rage propels him when he needs it most, yes, but it also mellows back down into misery the moment the heat gets turned down. ]
[ It's stated as a simple fact. A confirmation more than anything. No resignation or despair in it – Maruki just wants to reaffirm what he already knows to be true. At times, that's more of a comfort than anything else. ]
He wants to fall backwards. Lay on this dusty floor, stare up at the rafters, and let the world go on without him for a moment.
It should start snowing in Somnius soon, shouldn't it? Time really is a funny thing...
Instead, he tips forward again. Rests himself back into his best friend's arms, head thunking down onto his shoulder, fingers scrabbling against his back to twist in the fabric of his coat. ]
I'm sorry. I know I don't have to apologize, just... let me.
[ Rage begets misery begets exhaustion. There's nothing left now, only emptiness. He could sleep for hours. Maybe he will, before he has to return home and face whatever there is to be faced. ]
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drops everything
[ Maruki's not saying anything more than that. If he starts talking, he won't stop. If he stops walking, he won't start again. He's too much in his own mind, so far outside his body, everything on autopilot as high, tinny static grows louder in his ears.
He doesn't know if he should still stay on the phone, silent save for his breath, but he does just in case Eren has to tell him where to go. At this rate, they'll meet in the middle, and– what? Sit in another lantern-lit circle?
Maruki is going to be sick. ]
no subject
[When he sees Maruki, he carelessly drops his phone to the ground and closes the space between them, gripping his friend by either bicep. He looks him in the eye.]
I'm here.
[Elke canters into view behind him. Eren doesn't move toward her just yet.]
We need to get away, right? We will. Just hold onto me, Maruki.
no subject
Maruki glances behind him, sees Elke. Then back to his friend. He's far from blank. There's too much going on behind those eyes, even though his words come out stilted, numbed. ]
Where?
[ But he holds on. Phone pocketed, he brings his hands up to wrap around Eren's forearms, the two of them holding one another in place. He holds on. ]
no subject
To the windmill. No one ever bothers with that place.
[Still holding strong to Maruki, he begins to inch them both back toward Elke.]
I'll help you get on.
[He can quite literally lift him into place if necessary.]
no subject
He exhales, sharp with relief. Nods. Walks closer to Elke, heavy step by heavy step. ]
I've never ridden a horse...
[ He's deliberately avoided it for all the months they've spent on the farm. It terrifies him. Or it did, it should now– but it doesn't. He'll let Eren help him up. He'll do whatever Eren tells him to do so he doesn't get kicked off and die instantly, because horses are dangerous. He doesn't have any fear left over to spare. ]
no subject
[Eren climbs on next. He's adept enough to do so without disturbing Maruki. Once they're both seated, he glances back at him.]
Hold onto me. I won't let you fall.
brutal link oh my god
Eren is in front of him.
Maruki holds on even before he's told.
Arms around his best friend, cheek smashing into his back as he leans forward onto him. It happens without Maruki meaning to, as if the weight of everything simply toppled him over.
He nods. ]
I trust you.
[ More than anyone, really. ]
hehehe...
[It's the greatest sin he could commit
[That's fine. Eren will pick up the pieces. He'll spend two thousands years rebuilding Maruki out of sand. He'll return the care he's always been given. He won't leave Maruki's side.
[They make it to the windmill. Eren dismounts easily, but it will be tricky for his friend, who's never had to before. Eren reaches up to wrap his arms around Maruki's waist.]
Come on...[Assuming the man latches back onto him, he'll easily and safely pull him down.]
no subject
They come to a stop, and Eren's all but hoisting him down onto the ground himself. Maruki doesn't have it in him to protest, to flail around trying to dismount himself. He simply wraps his arms around Eren's shoulders, lets it happen.
When his feet hit the ground, he finally speaks. ]
I told them I'd be back for dinner. If you could just– keep track of time for me.
[ A beat. ]
I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing.
no subject
[Eren takes Maruki's hand and leads him into the windmill. There's a great urgency to be alone. No one else needs in on this conversation.
[The heavy door slams shut behind them. He turns and takes Maruki by the shoulders, gripping tight.
[What now?
[Eren takes his hands away; he pulls Maruki into his arms.
[Head to the chest, hand to head; there is no part of Eren that doesn't understand the devastation. Maruki doesn't have to explain. He's told Eren enough already; Eren has listened.]
no subject
And then he can't see anything at all. His face presses into Eren's chest, a hand at the back of his head. Strong, warm, safe. It's safe here. He's safe.
Maruki's fingers wind into the fabric of Eren's coat as he clings on, knuckles going pale and trembling with effort.
He doesn't have to explain, no, but it starts to spill out. ]
It's as if we never met.
[ That blank expression, confused and guarded in equal measure. That tension visible in the lines of his shoulders and jaw when Maruki was too familiar, too quickly.
Maruki's voice is a harsh, tight whisper. ]
What the hell is wrong with this place? Why?
no subject
[Where they're standing, Eren slowly, slowly, slowly begins to sink toward the ground. He never releases his hold, gently bringing Maruki with him.
[His dearest friend has forgotten him. The love of his life did too.
[Why should he have to stand?
[Eren brings them to the floor. He keep his knees bent, spaced apart, feet flat. There's plenty of room for Maruki to crumple against him. Eren will envelop.]
They want us to suffer. [A gentle hand through familiar hair.] We do...
It's not fair.
no subject
They want us to suffer, and they do, but can that really be it? ]
He's– there's almost a year separating what I last remember and what he does. He's lived beyond my time, even if he doesn't know me, and I just think–
[ Bile rises, swift and acrid. Maruki swallows it down, strangles out a little noise as he sits up straight. His arms around Eren's back fall loose, and he looks at his best friend face to face. There's nothing but abject terror in his wide eyes. ]
I just think, what if he lived through a future I had something to do with? What if I accidentally erased his memory of me too? [ It wouldn't be the first time. Eren knows that. He's panicked. ] It could be my fault. It could be.
no subject
[It's likely, even. Maruki knows this as well as Eren does; the terror in his eyes shows it. He's seen parts of his future - real, maybe, or maybe not - but, if Eren remembers correctly (always a gamble), there was no true confirmation. Kurusu is here now, the truth laid out before Eren's dear, dear friend.
[They can both see how it looks.
[Eren takes his friend by the shoulders, leveling their gaze.]
What you know about memories and what I know about memories can't compare. Remember what I told you.
They aren't so easy to destroy.
Maruki.
[Firm. There is no force stronger than you and I.]
Maruki...
[Gentle. Eren's hands massage at stiff muscle.]
That memory is alive. Suppressed, maybe, but it is alive.
I know it is. [Trust me.] I know.
no subject
But that's supposing that it is Maruki's fault. And that's his fear, yes, but there's another one competing with it. In many ways, it terrifies him more. ]
I know. [ Whispered, then stronger. ] No, I know... But it could also be that we really are from different realities. [ His stomach lurches; he's pale, clammy. ] So, if that's the case...
[ Maruki falls quiet, the words refusing to come forth, and then he laughs. Wet and choking and without a single hint of mirth. One hand slips up beneath his glasses, heel of his palm digging into his eye as another bark of a laugh escapes. ]
I don't understand. How could we have never met?
[ It feels impossible. It should be impossible. His guiding light. ]
no subject
[That being said...]
You're meeting now. You get it, don't you? Think about it.
Even if this Kurusu is from a reality where you never met, he found you here. You found each other.
You and I...it's different with us, but...
Hythlodaeus followed us here too. If two people are meant to meet - if you believe that like I do, like we've talked about, then...
[It makes sense. He isn't placating Maruki. He wouldn't.]
This is where the story starts. He still needed you. He found you.
no subject
This is where the story starts. He still needed you. He found you.
It hurts. Worse than spilling his heart out about Rumi on a couch in the farmhouse, on a darkened path through the woods, in a bathhouse, on a starlit cliff. Worse than having his back gouged by a fallen kaiju, or his throat collapsing as a rock beats down against it, or being impaled and shredded by Rashomon. It hurts, sudden and visceral and blinding.
Maruki yanks off his glasses, sets them down on the floor somewhere beside them. Covers both eyes now, palms digging in, fingers winding up into his hair and hanging on tight. There's a burning in his chest as his teeth grit tight enough to shatter, and he tries to breathe, because it does make sense. It does. It makes sense. Maruki knows it does. But– ]
I don't want this.
[ Small, wretched, miserably selfish. Maruki shakes his head, grinds his palms against the heat rising up behind his eyes, clutches at his head like he used to during the migraines that preceded Azathoth.
It's not strictly true. Of course he wants to start their story again. Of course he wants anything to do with Akira, even if it's painful. Of course he will.
But there's an irrational part of him that he never allows to surface. Always tempered, always logical, always setting aside his own emotions to do what's right. That part of him doesn't want to have to rebuild something that's supposed to be so foundational. It's hard, and it hurts, and he doesn't want to do something so hard, he doesn't want to hurt. He doesn't want to hurt.
Another shake of his head, another pitiful admission through a wet, choked-off voice. ]
I don't want this. I want him here.
[ I want my friend. ]
no subject
[Maruki, ever strong, ever steady, crumbling on the dusty floor of a nigh-abandoned windmill with only Eren's body there to anchor him. Eren has never seen his friend in a state like this.
[He shifts closer, pulling Maruki close against his chest, cradling his head as if he were a child, pressing his nose into his hair.]
I know. [Whispered. Fingers trail over Maruki's spine.]
I know. [He hasn't experienced it himself. It's difficult to imagine, given that, but he tries - tries to think of how it would feel to see Armin walk through town, not a hint of recognition on his face as their eyes meet--
[Eren takes a long, deep breath. He breathes against Maruki. He breathes so he can feel it. He breathes so his friend can breathe too.]
I know. [What else can he say? He closes his eyes. He kisses the top of Maruki's head, gentle, lingering. It's what Eren's mother would do for him. It's what Maruki would do for Eren.
[He rests his cheek there afterward, holding tight. Eren is not built to soothe, but he tries. He tries...]
I'm here. I've got you, Maruki. I've got you.
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He goes quiet after a bit. Goes still, heartbeat hammering against his ribs, like a slowly calming prey animal that hasn't yet learned to trust. Breathes, matches his breath to Eren's. He's held. Eren has got him.
They stay like that for some time. Eren would be forgiven for thinking Maruki has worn out already, taken one hit too many and collapsed silently in on himself, held upright only by two strong arms. If the pain was too great for Maruki to speak another word for the rest of the day, he knows that he would be allowed that silence.
But that bottomless despondent pit in his soul wasn't what manifested his persona, neither as a voice in his head in a hospital room, nor as a wavering vision of its true form while the sky above Tokyo turned dark and crimson. Maruki lives in grief, spends every day mired in sorrow – but when the chips were down, it was rage that propelled him forward first. ]
I don't have anything.
[ Still quiet, still muffled into the fabric of Eren's shirt. But it strikes somewhere deep in his chest, steel against flint, and he finds himself sitting up. ]
In the true reality. I have nothing.
[ Somewhere in the very back of his mind, there is a memory of a memory of a memory, like fogged glass submerged in water: Broken and beaten, high above Odaiba, mask thrown away, letting years worth of pain bubble up and burst forth by screaming at the person he trusted most.
The parallels hit him first; the bitter irony hits him next. He's wanted Akira here for a thousand different reasons. Chief among them to ask him about that, on the off chance he came from that future of theirs – to be able to talk to someone who was there for him at the lowest moment that he's yet to experience, who saw him at his worst.
Akira has lived beyond that without ever living it. He'll never know.
And now it's Eren who faces him as he boils over. He's already helped Maruki kill every last one of his regrets. He shouldn't have to do this too.
And yet.
There's no self-pity in his words. Only frustration, pent up tight for years, exacerbated by being in this fucking place, coalescing rapidly into anger. Eren hasn't heard him like this. No one has. ]
I have no family. No friends. No colleagues. No future for my career. No purpose. Nothing. Whether my future is inevitable or not, I'll go back to nothing– you won't be there. Akechi will die. Rumi doesn't remember me.
[ His voice breaks on her name, but it doesn't stop the fury from steadily compounding with every word. Somewhere along the line, he's pushed himself far enough back to face Eren on the floor, no longer wrapped in his arms. One of his hands presses hard into the center of his own sternum. He can't feel it. ]
I threw it all away– for nothing. [ The word has ripped out of him more viciously with every repetition, and it's all bloodied barbs now. ] I thought– if nothing else, there'll always be Kurusu– but even that isn't guaranteed, is it? Is it!?
[ If there was more to come after that, neither of them will ever know. Coherency dies as his rage hits its zenith, and all at once, Maruki buries his head down into his hands, one palm half-clasped over his mouth as he cries out, a sob and a scream all at once.
And then–
nothing. ]
1/2 this first now wait and suffer
2/3 I lied this too
3/3 and then future caitlin will go "comment chains only count as one comment when counting shards"
[No, Eren would never shy away. Would never look upon him with disgust, or surprise, or disappointment.
[No.
[No.
[Because Eren knows very well who Takuto Maruki is. Eren knows very well who they are. Eren knows that a man does not bring the world to a ruin of his vision without hatred and misery in his heart.
[Maruki's rage would shock a weaker person, a stupider person, a person more easily tricked, but not Eren.
[Not. Eren.
[These are two men who cannot hide from each other - foolish that Maruki ever tried; Eren forgives him. The man raises up across from Eren, and Eren shifts onto his knees in return, mirroring his friend's height as his voice raises, disturbing birds nesting in the rafters of the windmill.
[They face each other. Eren holds Maruki's gaze, eyes burning, alight with shared fire, all the same vitriol for the world that destroyed him.
[No family, because Eren's ripped them apart, left their bodies strewn, bloody, wherever he found them; they left Maruki alone.
[No friends, because Eren has ground them all up between his mollars, tongue salted with viscera; they left Maruki alone.
[No colleagues, because Eren has razed their offices to rubble, bodies crushed beneath it, limbs sticking out at all the wrong angles, no better than bugs; they left Maruki alone.
[No Akira Kurusu, because Eren
allow Maruki
crushed
again.
[If he cannot destroy, he will stalk, and prowl, and watch, and wait...
[For as long as it takes.
[In this reality
and all realities.
[Because Maruki is wrong. He doesn't have nothing. He doesn't have no one.
[Eren's voice rumbles out low and vicious, more beast than man.]
You have me.
[Maruki is silent, his cry still echoing in Eren's ears. Eren brings a hand to his face, tender, deadly.]
Don't. Forget.
There is one guarantee in this place, that place, any place. [He spits the words.]
I am your inevitability. I am your guarantee.
And I will not. Leave your side.
There is no Hell strong enough to keep me from you.
None. [A new echo off of the stone walls.]
You know me well, Maruki, but even if you don't know the full reach of my power. [A thumb strokes lovingly over his cheek.]
I'll rip apart every last reality there is.
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He stays quiet save for his hunched shoulders heaving with every gasping breath as his body catches up to the millions of miles his mind ran without it. Keeps his face in his hands, the feeling slowly returning as his blood reduces to a simmer. Shame and embarrassment rise up hot and sharp before anything else, but–
Even that is tempered, because Maruki is listening.
He understands how Eren could raze the world. When he first found out about it, he'd felt a lot – shock, terror, despair, an unmistakable curiosity to know more – but he'd never felt a spark of kinship. Not until now, the worst rot of his soul having been laid bare in front of Eren over and over again, accepted and reflected back to him tenfold.
And in the end, it's what he needs to hear. It's more than reassurance, and the words aren't empty. It's very nearly a vow.
A hand against his cheek. He still doesn't lift his head, not until that singular promise echoes, and when he does–
I'll rip apart every last reality there is.
Maruki doesn't doubt it. Not at all.
He exhales, shaking so hard that it catches in his chest. Swipes angrily at each teary eye with the back of his wrist, shaking his head. ]
I haven't forgotten. I won't...
[ He blinks, tries to clear the blurred fog from his eyes. Eren is still a little out of focus without his glasses, and he squints to try to sharpen it, feeling pathetic. Rage propels him when he needs it most, yes, but it also mellows back down into misery the moment the heat gets turned down. ]
You're all I've got, then.
[ It's stated as a simple fact. A confirmation more than anything. No resignation or despair in it – Maruki just wants to reaffirm what he already knows to be true. At times, that's more of a comfort than anything else. ]
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[Despite it all - the pure, violent rage that, only moments ago, filled the windmill - his voice is soft.]
I'm all you've got. You're all I've got.
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He wants to fall backwards. Lay on this dusty floor, stare up at the rafters, and let the world go on without him for a moment.
It should start snowing in Somnius soon, shouldn't it? Time really is a funny thing...
Instead, he tips forward again. Rests himself back into his best friend's arms, head thunking down onto his shoulder, fingers scrabbling against his back to twist in the fabric of his coat. ]
I'm sorry. I know I don't have to apologize, just... let me.
[ Rage begets misery begets exhaustion. There's nothing left now, only emptiness. He could sleep for hours. Maybe he will, before he has to return home and face whatever there is to be faced. ]
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(no subject)
has a breakdown over a man and then being like "but he's so genuine" GIRL!!!
you just have to get to know him,,,
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apropos of our conversation last night--
pain.jpg
WE CAN. WRAP HERE. IF YOU WANT....