[ Maruki actually puts down his phone at that. Nope. He never lies to Eren now, but he's going to lie about this. He is not going to explain to his recently returned best friend what seme means, even without knowing what a rizz master is. ]
I have no idea what that means either. Most of her slang is beyond me.
I'm glad you told her it was none of her business. May I make a suggestion for the future?
BB-san is an incredibly powerful being with abilities to manipulate reality. She's a good ally to have in a fight, and a formidable enemy.
She is also a vector of utter chaos and no matter how she feels about you, she will be exactly as nosy and intrusive as you just experienced, if not worse. Giving her any kind of reaction will only encourage her to do and say more outlandish things. On top of that, she's an AI, so any and all information that you feed her will be used in some way.
In my reality, there's a saying for people like her: "Don't feed the troll." When she starts prying for information or trying to get a rise out of you, simply ignore it. We've gotten to a good place in our relationship because I don't engage when she acts like that. Easier said than done, of course, but I get the feeling you'll have no problem with that either.
We spoke about it briefly. However, like you and I, her ability to manipulate reality doesn't extend to those in power and can seemingly do nothing to break us free from this place.
There was a lot going on at the time when I found out about this, so even if you weren't contending with what you currently are, I wouldn't be surprised if it was hazy. As things stand now, that can't be helped. Don't feel bad about it.
I can give you a few other warnings, if you'd like. We've been taking your reentry slow on purpose.
[God, his head's a mess. It's good of Maruki to be taking the reentry process slowly, because it's something Eren would never ask for. There is still - ever, always - that drive to continue the fight, but he's infinitely more exhausted. Every piece of new information that enters his brain is dizzying - often loses itself in a sea of other memories and experiences before he can process it at all. He's always asking Maruki to repeat himself.
[He's not really in the mood to more fed to him en masse over a device he still doesn't fully understand. He should feel more motivated, maybe.
[He's tired. He's tired. Maruki lets him be.]
Maybe just a list of names to be cautious of. For now.
[He feels ashamed. He has less control than he's ever had. It never ends.]
I do remember a conversation that you and I had. It had to have been here.
You were right. I said too much to anyone that would listen.
I can do that. But let's talk about this first. One thing at a time.
[ He doesn't mind metering out information drip by drip. He doesn't mind repeating himself as many times as Eren asks. He doesn't mind any of this at all, and he wants Eren to keep being honest about what he can or cannot handle. ]
You're right. That was a conversation that we had during a counseling session. You took it to heart and became much more cautious in how you dealt with relative strangers here. It was admirable growth.
I'm sure that it isn't the case anymore for reasons other than our conversation once upon a time though.
[It always was, but that isn't what he's saying. He fails to put it into truer terms. He learned to lie - to those he hated, to those he loved, to everyone.
[Everyone.
[And he can't stop. He lies to Maruki without even meaning to, for all he doesn't say. He withholds everything, because he had to in order to keep the hurricane of emotions always raging inside of him at bay. The numbness was as much a choice as an inevitability.
[But he'll try, explain a bit more. Something in him trusts that Maruki will understand regardless of what he does or doesn't say - or that he'll talk to him until he can understand. Something like that...]
Once I knew I would be acting on my own, I had to learn to control what I was saying.
[ Eren once told him that his future self is a liar. It's something Maruki keeps in mind every time they talk. Not in the way that he's trying to catch Eren out; he trusts that Eren will either be honest with him, or lie by omission with his silence. So it's the silence he pays attention to, more than anything else.
His chest aches with empathy. Having difficult conversations with Eren over text used to be second nature, but now it feels cruel to not be right next to him to help anchor him through it. ]
I understand. What we say, or don't, is as much of a tool and a weapon as what we do, isn't it?
[ Maruki isn't dealing with anything even a fraction as intense as Eren is, but there are memories of branching futures and altered pasts that live in his head now too. He has no way of sifting through what is true and what isn't, and it's besides the fact, really – everything is real in its own way. Even what desperately wishes wasn't. ]
I understand. It's something I'd rather talk to you about in person sometime, when you're more rested, but for now...
Please believe me when I say that I understand.
[ Please imagine the words spoken in a circle of lantern light, he means. ]
[Of course Maruki understands. Maybe you're just me from another reality. Maybe I'm you. He hasn't forgotten. Not that.]
I know you understand. I remember.
[Let that be a comfort to Maruki, or, so Eren hopes.
[As for the following question, vulnerability becomes an ailment, making his chest tight and his stomach nauseated. The pain is indescribable - worse than perhaps any other. Eren has always craved companionship. He loves so desperately, with one hundred percent of himself, every time, for every one he loves.
[He spent too long alone. Even before he left, he was, in some ways, alone. Even here, with so many of the people he loves near, he so often feels alone.]
I have been, but that was my choice. It was necessary.
Sometimes it feels like the choices we make, especially the ones that are most necessary, preclude us from feeling pained by them. It's easy to tell ourselves, "I chose this, so if it hurts me, it doesn't matter. It's my fault."
It's especially easy to tell ourselves that when that choice hurt others. It's an insidious thing.
But at the end of the day, you've still spent a significant amount of time alone, Eren. However you feel about that is important.
You don't have to say anything to all of that. Just think about it.
[Important? When has how Eren felt ever been important? Important in the sense that it's destructive, maybe. Important in the sense that it's dangerous.
[Important just because it hurts? He'd scoff, but he can't. All he can do is turn his phone over in his lap and lay his head back against the headboard for a moment. He takes his time, not thinking about much at all. He takes his hair out and combs his fingers through, puts it back up; lays his head back again.
[It takes a while. After that, it takes a while to figure out what he wants to say, because he doesn't want his conversation with Maruki to end. He wishes he were here. They could fall asleep again.
Maruki treasures those three simple words, as much as they tear through his own soul.
He knows what it's like to hate the only dream you've ever had. ]
I did too.
What did you call us once - hopeless bastards? That really is it, huh...
I could tell you that you aren't alone anymore, but you'll still feel like you are sometimes. Maybe even most of the time. That's okay. Eventually, it will start to change. For now, just come sit by me.
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god I can't believe this is a real s4 eren tag
About my type. Obviously, I told her that was none of her business.
I also can't understand half of what she fucking says. "Seme rizz master"?
i can't believe these are real maruki brackets
I have no idea what that means either. Most of her slang is beyond me.
I'm glad you told her it was none of her business. May I make a suggestion for the future?
no subject
no subject
She is also a vector of utter chaos and no matter how she feels about you, she will be exactly as nosy and intrusive as you just experienced, if not worse. Giving her any kind of reaction will only encourage her to do and say more outlandish things. On top of that, she's an AI, so any and all information that you feed her will be used in some way.
In my reality, there's a saying for people like her: "Don't feed the troll." When she starts prying for information or trying to get a rise out of you, simply ignore it. We've gotten to a good place in our relationship because I don't engage when she acts like that. Easier said than done, of course, but I get the feeling you'll have no problem with that either.
no subject
Have you told me about this before?
It seems like a necessary warning, Maruki.
[Come on, dude.
Though, like. Also. The coleslaw.]no subject
There was a lot going on at the time when I found out about this, so even if you weren't contending with what you currently are, I wouldn't be surprised if it was hazy. As things stand now, that can't be helped. Don't feel bad about it.
I can give you a few other warnings, if you'd like. We've been taking your reentry slow on purpose.
no subject
[God, his head's a mess. It's good of Maruki to be taking the reentry process slowly, because it's something Eren would never ask for. There is still - ever, always - that drive to continue the fight, but he's infinitely more exhausted. Every piece of new information that enters his brain is dizzying - often loses itself in a sea of other memories and experiences before he can process it at all. He's always asking Maruki to repeat himself.
[He's not really in the mood to more fed to him en masse over a device he still doesn't fully understand. He should feel more motivated, maybe.
[He's tired. He's tired. Maruki lets him be.]
Maybe just a list of names to be cautious of. For now.
[He feels ashamed. He has less control than he's ever had. It never ends.]
I do remember a conversation that you and I had. It had to have been here.
You were right. I said too much to anyone that would listen.
That isn't the case anymore.
no subject
[ He doesn't mind metering out information drip by drip. He doesn't mind repeating himself as many times as Eren asks. He doesn't mind any of this at all, and he wants Eren to keep being honest about what he can or cannot handle. ]
You're right. That was a conversation that we had during a counseling session. You took it to heart and became much more cautious in how you dealt with relative strangers here. It was admirable growth.
I'm sure that it isn't the case anymore for reasons other than our conversation once upon a time though.
no subject
[It always was, but that isn't what he's saying. He fails to put it into truer terms. He learned to lie - to those he hated, to those he loved, to everyone.
[Everyone.
[And he can't stop. He lies to Maruki without even meaning to, for all he doesn't say. He withholds everything, because he had to in order to keep the hurricane of emotions always raging inside of him at bay. The numbness was as much a choice as an inevitability.
[But he'll try, explain a bit more. Something in him trusts that Maruki will understand regardless of what he does or doesn't say - or that he'll talk to him until he can understand. Something like that...]
Once I knew I would be acting on my own, I had to learn to control what I was saying.
no subject
His chest aches with empathy. Having difficult conversations with Eren over text used to be second nature, but now it feels cruel to not be right next to him to help anchor him through it. ]
I understand. What we say, or don't, is as much of a tool and a weapon as what we do, isn't it?
no subject
No one could know until it was inevitable.
[Freeing, in a way, to be able to talk about his greatest sin while truly fearing no judgment. Where else does he get that? Absolutely nowhere.]
no subject
I understand. It's something I'd rather talk to you about in person sometime, when you're more rested, but for now...
Please believe me when I say that I understand.
[ Please imagine the words spoken in a circle of lantern light, he means. ]
You've been isolated for a while, haven't you?
no subject
I know you understand. I remember.
[Let that be a comfort to Maruki, or, so Eren hopes.
[As for the following question, vulnerability becomes an ailment, making his chest tight and his stomach nauseated. The pain is indescribable - worse than perhaps any other. Eren has always craved companionship. He loves so desperately, with one hundred percent of himself, every time, for every one he loves.
[He spent too long alone. Even before he left, he was, in some ways, alone. Even here, with so many of the people he loves near, he so often feels alone.]
I have been, but that was my choice. It was necessary.
no subject
Sometimes it feels like the choices we make, especially the ones that are most necessary, preclude us from feeling pained by them. It's easy to tell ourselves, "I chose this, so if it hurts me, it doesn't matter. It's my fault."
It's especially easy to tell ourselves that when that choice hurt others. It's an insidious thing.
But at the end of the day, you've still spent a significant amount of time alone, Eren. However you feel about that is important.
You don't have to say anything to all of that. Just think about it.
no subject
[Important just because it hurts? He'd scoff, but he can't. All he can do is turn his phone over in his lap and lay his head back against the headboard for a moment. He takes his time, not thinking about much at all. He takes his hair out and combs his fingers through, puts it back up; lays his head back again.
[It takes a while. After that, it takes a while to figure out what he wants to say, because he doesn't want his conversation with Maruki to end. He wishes he were here. They could fall asleep again.
[Eventually, one solitary line comes through.]
I hated it.
no subject
That's surely more than anyone else will get.
Maruki treasures those three simple words, as much as they tear through his own soul.
He knows what it's like to hate the only dream you've ever had. ]
I did too.
What did you call us once - hopeless bastards? That really is it, huh...
I could tell you that you aren't alone anymore, but you'll still feel like you are sometimes. Maybe even most of the time. That's okay. Eventually, it will start to change. For now, just come sit by me.
no subject
[The farm, that is.]
no subject
I can be shortly. Do you want to meet at the tree?
( > action)