[ Eren once told him that his future self is a liar. It's something Maruki keeps in mind every time they talk. Not in the way that he's trying to catch Eren out; he trusts that Eren will either be honest with him, or lie by omission with his silence. So it's the silence he pays attention to, more than anything else.
His chest aches with empathy. Having difficult conversations with Eren over text used to be second nature, but now it feels cruel to not be right next to him to help anchor him through it. ]
I understand. What we say, or don't, is as much of a tool and a weapon as what we do, isn't it?
[ Maruki isn't dealing with anything even a fraction as intense as Eren is, but there are memories of branching futures and altered pasts that live in his head now too. He has no way of sifting through what is true and what isn't, and it's besides the fact, really – everything is real in its own way. Even what desperately wishes wasn't. ]
I understand. It's something I'd rather talk to you about in person sometime, when you're more rested, but for now...
Please believe me when I say that I understand.
[ Please imagine the words spoken in a circle of lantern light, he means. ]
[Of course Maruki understands. Maybe you're just me from another reality. Maybe I'm you. He hasn't forgotten. Not that.]
I know you understand. I remember.
[Let that be a comfort to Maruki, or, so Eren hopes.
[As for the following question, vulnerability becomes an ailment, making his chest tight and his stomach nauseated. The pain is indescribable - worse than perhaps any other. Eren has always craved companionship. He loves so desperately, with one hundred percent of himself, every time, for every one he loves.
[He spent too long alone. Even before he left, he was, in some ways, alone. Even here, with so many of the people he loves near, he so often feels alone.]
I have been, but that was my choice. It was necessary.
Sometimes it feels like the choices we make, especially the ones that are most necessary, preclude us from feeling pained by them. It's easy to tell ourselves, "I chose this, so if it hurts me, it doesn't matter. It's my fault."
It's especially easy to tell ourselves that when that choice hurt others. It's an insidious thing.
But at the end of the day, you've still spent a significant amount of time alone, Eren. However you feel about that is important.
You don't have to say anything to all of that. Just think about it.
[Important? When has how Eren felt ever been important? Important in the sense that it's destructive, maybe. Important in the sense that it's dangerous.
[Important just because it hurts? He'd scoff, but he can't. All he can do is turn his phone over in his lap and lay his head back against the headboard for a moment. He takes his time, not thinking about much at all. He takes his hair out and combs his fingers through, puts it back up; lays his head back again.
[It takes a while. After that, it takes a while to figure out what he wants to say, because he doesn't want his conversation with Maruki to end. He wishes he were here. They could fall asleep again.
Maruki treasures those three simple words, as much as they tear through his own soul.
He knows what it's like to hate the only dream you've ever had. ]
I did too.
What did you call us once - hopeless bastards? That really is it, huh...
I could tell you that you aren't alone anymore, but you'll still feel like you are sometimes. Maybe even most of the time. That's okay. Eventually, it will start to change. For now, just come sit by me.
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His chest aches with empathy. Having difficult conversations with Eren over text used to be second nature, but now it feels cruel to not be right next to him to help anchor him through it. ]
I understand. What we say, or don't, is as much of a tool and a weapon as what we do, isn't it?
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No one could know until it was inevitable.
[Freeing, in a way, to be able to talk about his greatest sin while truly fearing no judgment. Where else does he get that? Absolutely nowhere.]
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I understand. It's something I'd rather talk to you about in person sometime, when you're more rested, but for now...
Please believe me when I say that I understand.
[ Please imagine the words spoken in a circle of lantern light, he means. ]
You've been isolated for a while, haven't you?
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I know you understand. I remember.
[Let that be a comfort to Maruki, or, so Eren hopes.
[As for the following question, vulnerability becomes an ailment, making his chest tight and his stomach nauseated. The pain is indescribable - worse than perhaps any other. Eren has always craved companionship. He loves so desperately, with one hundred percent of himself, every time, for every one he loves.
[He spent too long alone. Even before he left, he was, in some ways, alone. Even here, with so many of the people he loves near, he so often feels alone.]
I have been, but that was my choice. It was necessary.
no subject
Sometimes it feels like the choices we make, especially the ones that are most necessary, preclude us from feeling pained by them. It's easy to tell ourselves, "I chose this, so if it hurts me, it doesn't matter. It's my fault."
It's especially easy to tell ourselves that when that choice hurt others. It's an insidious thing.
But at the end of the day, you've still spent a significant amount of time alone, Eren. However you feel about that is important.
You don't have to say anything to all of that. Just think about it.
no subject
[Important just because it hurts? He'd scoff, but he can't. All he can do is turn his phone over in his lap and lay his head back against the headboard for a moment. He takes his time, not thinking about much at all. He takes his hair out and combs his fingers through, puts it back up; lays his head back again.
[It takes a while. After that, it takes a while to figure out what he wants to say, because he doesn't want his conversation with Maruki to end. He wishes he were here. They could fall asleep again.
[Eventually, one solitary line comes through.]
I hated it.
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That's surely more than anyone else will get.
Maruki treasures those three simple words, as much as they tear through his own soul.
He knows what it's like to hate the only dream you've ever had. ]
I did too.
What did you call us once - hopeless bastards? That really is it, huh...
I could tell you that you aren't alone anymore, but you'll still feel like you are sometimes. Maybe even most of the time. That's okay. Eventually, it will start to change. For now, just come sit by me.
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[The farm, that is.]
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I can be shortly. Do you want to meet at the tree?
( > action)