[ He holds a preemptive hand up between them, stops a protest before it starts. ]
I know you're different now. I know. But that doesn't change what I'm telling you.
[ And then, the hand replaced on his shoulder, firm and grounding. Maruki expects this to take a long time. Maybe the whole rest of the time that they have together in Somnius. It doesn't matter. His patience is eternal, as is his stubbornness, and his conviction is pure. Eren might as well be looking at the sun. ]
I helped you before, and I'll help you again. Just watch me.
[ Heat rises up behind his eyes again before he can stop it, and they shine as he grins, shakes his head, jostles Eren. ]
That's okay. Eren. I don't expect you to.
[ He can't make Eren understand anything at the moment. He can only be here for him as the slurry of his mind slowly sifts and settles, as much as it ever will.
It's an honor, really. He can't make Eren understand that, either. ]
You don't need to do anything. Just– come rest. [ A beat, and a slightly sheepish, watery laugh. ] When you're done seeing everyone else, I mean. I don't presume I take precedence.
[Eren hates to see him crying, of course. It's not something that Maruki does. To that end, he's grateful to see it too. He doesn't think Maruki would show almost anyone else. This is what Eren's asked him for. They can both "just be" for at least a little while.
[He thumbs Maruki's tears away with no fanfare, then knocks his glasses back onto his nose. It might seem like a playful gesture - really, it's an awkward, aimless one.]
[ Yeah, that's about what he figured. Maruki did enough managing others' emotions over the past two weeks to know that it likely wouldn't be an easy return. Nothing more needs to be said. He's all too glad to leave Eyn Sof behind – hopefully for the last time, and with the only other person who should get to say goodbye to it.
It's a long walk back to the machiya, and if Eren wants to be silent, Maruki is happy to oblige. There's something to be said for companionable silence with a dear friend; falling back into it is as natural as breathing.
And the sight of the home slowly becoming visible through the thicket of trees is like a sigh of deep, contented relief. It's Maruki's home here. It's private, safe.
He looks over to Eren as he leads him through the outdoor entry area, lush with plant life and peaceful in its quiet. ]
You barely got to see this place before you left. It's okay if you don't remember it.
[As they walk, Eren recalls flying. The sensation itself is a vivid memory, but he spent so much time dreaming about it, that it seems like only that. Recollection seeps in, however. He did fly with Maruki. Walked too, but on four legs. He's less human than ever now. If he could have been something other than a monster, instead, maybe he would have liked it.
[Probably not.
[They make it to the front entrance. Eren doesn't remember a single thing about it. What he remembers is a castle - stone walls and wretched sobbing; a garden, idle conversation.
[He wonders if he'll ever see that place again.]
I don't. It looks...odd. [Eren? Culturally insensitive? Well, boss, it's more likely than you think.]
[ Maruki rolls his eyes, nothing but fond as he holds the door open wide for Eren to enter first. ]
It's in the style of a traditional home back in my reality.
[ Maybe one day, you'll see one. After all, in another world, another time, you were one of my students, weren't you?
Trapped deftly under his tongue and swallowed back down. He can't confuse Eren any more than he already is. Memories need to be metered out slowly; they'll get there.
He gestures gently for Eren to remove his shoes with him in the sunken entryway before they continue on, and it's so surreal, suddenly. He's spent the past weeks holed up in this house while not at work, keeping the business Eren started running. His misery about Eren kept him here, and now he's here, and it's–
Not something to take for granted. Not for a moment. ]
I can make you some food, or we can just sit and talk.
[ A gesture to the airy kitchen, then to the little alcove that looks out into one of the gardens, cushions on the tatami floor to rest on and a low table for drinks. Whatever Eren wants. ]
[Information from realities Eren has never known seeps in slow, an almost insidious feeling. It brings dread with it. Maruki is not the first person from Tokyo, Japan that Eren met. When Maruki mentioned it, he knew the name. He knew because of Subaru.
[Eren's mouth feels dry, fingers curling and twitching at his side. He looks about the Machiya, but it doesn't distract. Two weeks makes no difference, really. Four years does. When you add both together, what's the result? Eren wants to ask, but fears the answer.]
[ Maruki doesn't try to steer him in either directly, only stands firm next to him and speaks calmly, softly. ]
No. A decent amount of people have disappeared recently– no one important.
[ A quick addition, and to anyone else it might sound like a cruel, callous one. He knows that he can be honest with Eren. Some people matter more than others.
Watching the network like a hawk day in and day out to see if Eren might resurface means he saw all those who suddenly dropped off, too. For a while, it felt ominous, then it felt numb. ]
As far as I'm aware, you're the only one who's returned.
[Eren blinks, and suddenly his eyes are on the ground. There's some sound in the distance, but it's from another time; he doesn't turn his head. There won't be anyone standing there.
[Fingers curl, knuckles cracking. He stretches his neck and nods.]
[ There's something to it, something happening here that Maruki doesn't understand. With how well he and Eren came to understand one another, it's sometimes difficult to recall the beginning of their time together, when every conversation was rife with gaps of knowledge and misaligned communications that Maruki needed to learn how to bridge.
It's like that again. He knows Eren, but he's learning him all over again too. He'll see it through with the same gentle, stalwart patience as before.
A squeeze to one of Eren's arms as he turns him toward the kitchen, then lets go so he can lead the way, grabbing for an apron on a hook next to the refrigerator without a second thought. ]
Have a seat. [ A gesture to the bar counter that will let Eren watch him while he cooks, the place where he and Akechi eat all their meals together, side by side. ] Any requests?
[Maruki might not know what's wrong, but he knows that something's wrong, evidenced by that light squeeze to the arm. There's some comfort to that, somehow. Eren and Maruki used to talk for hours upon hours every single day. Eren's not sure that he could manage more than a few sentences now.
[Maruki understands anyway. They'll learn how to communicate with a glance once again. Eren trusts him implicitly, even now.
[He sits at the bar. The Machiya looks about as ostentatious as the farmhouse, but Eren hasn't been at all startled by the environmental changes of Somnius. He spent a long time here, recognizes what should be out of place. He's able to digest the Machiya for that reason - could come to like it, even, so long as Maruki is here.
[He pushes the image of Akechi Goro out of his mind. His heart isn't ready yet.]
This place has all sorts of food, doesn't it? [But, no. No requests, as expected.]
I'll eat anything. I can't remember the last time I did. [Days, at least. Years? Millenia?]
[ It gives him pause for just a moment; how long has it been since Eren got to do something as simple as enjoy a meal? He'll never know. Neither of them will. It may not feel like much, but it is. These simple things that he can do for Eren matter. They must.
And simple might truly be best. The machiya came wonderfully equipped, just as it would have been back home; there is always warm rice in the rice cooker, always leftover miso soup that can be reheated. Maruki pulls the pot out of the fridge, sets it on the stove and continues rooting around the kitchen for more as he speaks, his tone light. ]
One day, I'm going to ask someone that question and they're going to say to me, "actually, Maruki-sensei, yes! I have a whole menu to request from you, and I want it cooked exactly to my preferences. Chop chop, chef." But until then, you're all infuriatingly easy to feed.
[ He glances up, smiling wryly. ]
I'm only teasing.
[ Eren never laughed before, and he absolutely won't now, but it doesn't matter. It never made Maruki treat him any differently. With the people he cares for, he's affectionate and sarcastic in equal measure. ]
[Would that Eren could be charmed into laughter by the funniest, most earnest, most genuine person he knows (not to everyone, maybe, but when it matters, certainly), but those days are long gone.
[He wishes he could at least smile, if only to let Maruki know that he doesn't mind. If Maruki stopped making stupid jokes, whatever's left of Eren's heart would most certainly break. It already does so often; hurts the same every time.]
[ That's the thing, though, isn't it? Maruki has never needed Eren to smile, or to laugh. He's never once tried to force it. He jokes and prods and messes around because it's fun, not because he wants to draw a reaction out of Eren. However he is is exactly how he ought to be.
Maruki smiles wide enough for both of them as he stirs the soup and dishes up a bowl of rice. ]
It's an honorific for a teacher, or a doctor. Someone who's an expert in their field. There are a few people here who use it for me and it's always oddly flattering...
[ Idle chitchat. Maruki hums as he lays two bowls each of rice and soup out on the counter, western utensils for Eren. Just as he's removing the apron to come around and sit with him, he freezes in place, mouth dropping open momentarily: ]
Oh! Wait, hold on, there's–
[ He whips around, hands flying up into the air in triumph as he spots a little brown paper sack. Success! They weren't all eaten this morning.
He produces from it a single croissant, brings it to Eren as he joins him at the counter. ]
It isn't freshly baked, it's from early this morning, but– you always liked them, right?
[Eren's about to ask about the difference in utensils (those are just sticks?) when Maruki, quite abruptly, turns around with his arms up in the air. Eren's not sure he's ever seen him act so much like a kid. He really is happy to see him. Happy to give him this...bread, also.
[There's not more than a twitch to his brow as he eyes the croissant, but it does relay some confusion.]
I guess...
[Bread is just bread - usually hard and lumpy and tasteless. He's not expecting much as he takes a bite.
[Eyes subtly widen. He stares at the oddly-shaped confection. It's good. He remembers now...]
That's right. [Mutters a curse under his breath and takes another bite, swallows.]
Everyone here eats like they're rich. [Ah, but...]
[ A little pride swells in Maruki's chest; such simple things can help jog his memory, too. They don't have to rehash everything to death. They can just– exist. Just be. It really will help Eren. He wasn't wrong.
He murmurs a quick thank you over the food before digging in, nodding through a spoonful of soup. ]
You did. You ran a whole business. I think you hated aspects of that, though.
[ No, he knows. Maruki shrugs, another warm, hearty spoonful, then sets it down. ]
I took over cooking while you were gone. I'll probably keep that up... But you don't have to go back to work. Everyone has it handled.
lmao girl u couldn't PAY me to go back to working doordash u know the miles that put on my cart?
A short sound that shocks out of his solar plexus as he drops the chopsticks from his mouth to look over at Eren, eyes widening behind his glasses. ]
You– oh, you're serious.
[ Not judgmental. Almost... relieved, actually. ]
I kind of thought that might be the reason you did it, more than anything else. You were so irritated with me about that when I first arrived. I quickly understood why, of course.
[ He waves his free hand as if clearing the thoughts from the air. ]
Regardless! I know I have no stake in the business, but if I did, I certainly wouldn't blame you for leaving it behind. I'm sure Jean will be happy to handle it.
[ Is he sure of that? Not really. But, frankly, it doesn't matter to him. What matters is Eren doing whatever the hell he wants. No one will starve, because Thermo won't die with him, but he's allowed to say fuck it and go. ]
[Jean? Happy? Eren sneers into his soup, lowering his head to take a bite.
[Jean has every right to hate him. Eren knows this.
[It hurts anyway. The last thing he wants is to be made a cage. He always allowed his friends their own autonomy - never altered their bodies or minds to keep them at bay. That was its own form of cruelty, but still...
[They're married. Eren loves him. He wants to be loved. Many have claimed that theirs is unconditional, but Eren's always known that isn't true.
[He's been quiet too long again, hand frozen, holding the spoon, eyes unfocused on the table.
[He used to tell Maruki almost anything. Not this, though. He wouldn't understand, Eren thinks. No one else but he or Jean could.
[A new thought comes to interrupt the static. Eren realizes something; lifts his head.]
You really aren't counseling anymore, then. Just cooking. [Two statements, but he waits for confirmation.]
[ Eren used to tell him almost anything, it's true. But not everything Maruki learned about him was through conversation. Observation and analysis have always been more important tools in his skillset than he thinks Eren has realized.
Asking if he visited the farm elicited a reaction. Mentioning Thermo and Jean elicits a reaction.
Noted.
He tears off a tiny corner of what's left of Eren's croissant to have a nibble himself. ]
I'm not counseling in any formal capacity, no. I won't start that again. I don't know how long I'll stick with cooking either, but for now it's good.
[ A beat. He doesn't look at Eren, shrugs. ]
It got me out of the house, at least. I wasn't leaving otherwise.
[ Another beat. Maruki doesn't know why he's still talking. He and Eren got to a point where he really couldn't obfuscate his emotions anymore, and certainly couldn't lie about them. They pour forth, even with this Eren who hasn't had to listen to him for four infinitely long years. ]
I felt a little like you, sometimes. Forcing myself to keep to a routine because otherwise, there was just... nothing.
[ Grief. He's describing grief.
And normally, this is where he would apologize, change the subject, get back on track. You say what you think you should say instead, Eren told him once, to get him to cut the bullshit. But he doesn't do that anymore. Not with Eren. ]
Edited (at first i thought i couldn't find the thread and then i could. turns out it's so burned into my brain that i paraphrased it perfectly anyway) 2024-10-02 10:47 (UTC)
[When Maruki reaches for a piece of Eren's croissant, Eren thoughtlessly hands over the entire thing. His friend is hungry.
[After that, it's all grief. Waking up in the morning and remembering that your comrade is dead is a unique sort of Hell, but then the Commander is calling for you to stand at attention, so you do, and you forget for a little while. That continues on until you're nineteen years old, barreling toward your own death, where grief will cease to have any weight.
[It isn't like that here. The war they fight is quiet like a slow-acting poison. When you wake up and remember that your friend is gone, all there is ahead of you is another day to live without them. The Commanders sit in their cottages and drink tea. You find ways to fill the time. You must find ways to fill the time. All the while uncertain as to whether or not ghosts are really ghosts.
[Eren never meant to cause Maruki grief. He is a creature built from grief, born grieving. It never gets easier. It never hurts less. He still sees them, hears them, feels them - all of them. Even those who probably never would have called him a friend themselves.
[Now, here, at the end of his life, so many have been left to grieve - grieve Eren, grieve the world. To love Eren is to lose him, and Maruki will a thousand times more than anyone else will.
[Why? Because they'll meet a thousand more times than anyone else will. Because they were meant to sit just like this, face to familiar, bespectacled face.
[Eren's hand starts to reach across the table - stills...
[...connects at Maruki's bicep, squeezing. Eren looks him in the eye. The words "I'm sorry" are so terribly cheap. He can't bring himself to say them. Maybe Maruki will know. He knows so many things.
[Eren lets go of Maruki's arm; withdraws his hand.]
[ Maruki knows. He feels it in that grounding, comforting touch, and he sees it in Eren's deadened gaze. It's an apology he doesn't need to give. There are ways that they will hurt one another that are inevitable; grief is one of them. It's neither of their faults. It's simply the way of the world. All things end, again and again and again.
Still, Maruki accepts it. Goes to catch Eren's hand– it's already gone.
He breaks the remaining croissant in half, hands it over to Eren without question. ]
There's plenty of time. And candidly... I'm tired too. Not like you are, but.
[ It was a familiar feeling in the worst way. No amount of sleep or even just inertia could give him any reprieve. Whether he closed his eyes or not, he was still miserable, so what was the point?
He's tired. Now that the adrenaline of finding Eren has all but entirely faded, it's been hitting him again and again. ]
Let's take a nap. I'm serious. I don't have anything else going on today, and even if I did, I don't care. And you deserve to rest, Eren. You do.
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no subject
[ He holds a preemptive hand up between them, stops a protest before it starts. ]
I know you're different now. I know. But that doesn't change what I'm telling you.
[ And then, the hand replaced on his shoulder, firm and grounding. Maruki expects this to take a long time. Maybe the whole rest of the time that they have together in Somnius. It doesn't matter. His patience is eternal, as is his stubbornness, and his conviction is pure. Eren might as well be looking at the sun. ]
I helped you before, and I'll help you again. Just watch me.
no subject
[When was the last time he could just be? He can't remember. He's not sure if there ever was a time at all.
[Dull eyes stare at Maruki's, which are warm enough for the both of them; the sun, yes. What Eren's searching for is unclear even to him.]
You did. I remember.
[But it is different. He's not the same. Hope is well and truly gone. There's no point in even being angry anymore. He hasn't felt it yet, really.]
I don't...know where to begin.
god the amount of cryruki you're getting
[ Heat rises up behind his eyes again before he can stop it, and they shine as he grins, shakes his head, jostles Eren. ]
That's okay. Eren. I don't expect you to.
[ He can't make Eren understand anything at the moment. He can only be here for him as the slurry of his mind slowly sifts and settles, as much as it ever will.
It's an honor, really. He can't make Eren understand that, either. ]
You don't need to do anything. Just– come rest. [ A beat, and a slightly sheepish, watery laugh. ] When you're done seeing everyone else, I mean. I don't presume I take precedence.
no subject
[He thumbs Maruki's tears away with no fanfare, then knocks his glasses back onto his nose. It might seem like a playful gesture - really, it's an awkward, aimless one.]
I'd like to be with you for a while.
no subject
I'd like that, too. Ah, have you gone back to the farm yet...?
[ Is it chill to go there? Or is it more machiya hours? ]
no subject
You're staying somewhere else now, aren't you? Let's go there.
no subject
It's a long walk back to the machiya, and if Eren wants to be silent, Maruki is happy to oblige. There's something to be said for companionable silence with a dear friend; falling back into it is as natural as breathing.
And the sight of the home slowly becoming visible through the thicket of trees is like a sigh of deep, contented relief. It's Maruki's home here. It's private, safe.
He looks over to Eren as he leads him through the outdoor entry area, lush with plant life and peaceful in its quiet. ]
You barely got to see this place before you left. It's okay if you don't remember it.
no subject
[Probably not.
[They make it to the front entrance. Eren doesn't remember a single thing about it. What he remembers is a castle - stone walls and wretched sobbing; a garden, idle conversation.
[He wonders if he'll ever see that place again.]
I don't. It looks...odd. [Eren? Culturally insensitive? Well, boss, it's more likely than you think.]
no subject
It's in the style of a traditional home back in my reality.
[ Maybe one day, you'll see one. After all, in another world, another time, you were one of my students, weren't you?
Trapped deftly under his tongue and swallowed back down. He can't confuse Eren any more than he already is. Memories need to be metered out slowly; they'll get there.
He gestures gently for Eren to remove his shoes with him in the sunken entryway before they continue on, and it's so surreal, suddenly. He's spent the past weeks holed up in this house while not at work, keeping the business Eren started running. His misery about Eren kept him here, and now he's here, and it's–
Not something to take for granted. Not for a moment. ]
I can make you some food, or we can just sit and talk.
[ A gesture to the airy kitchen, then to the little alcove that looks out into one of the gardens, cushions on the tatami floor to rest on and a low table for drinks. Whatever Eren wants. ]
no subject
[Eren's mouth feels dry, fingers curling and twitching at his side. He looks about the Machiya, but it doesn't distract. Two weeks makes no difference, really. Four years does. When you add both together, what's the result? Eren wants to ask, but fears the answer.]
Maruki...
Has anyone else come back?
no subject
No. A decent amount of people have disappeared recently– no one important.
[ A quick addition, and to anyone else it might sound like a cruel, callous one. He knows that he can be honest with Eren. Some people matter more than others.
Watching the network like a hawk day in and day out to see if Eren might resurface means he saw all those who suddenly dropped off, too. For a while, it felt ominous, then it felt numb. ]
As far as I'm aware, you're the only one who's returned.
no subject
[Fingers curl, knuckles cracking. He stretches his neck and nods.]
Alright, then. Let's just eat.
no subject
It's like that again. He knows Eren, but he's learning him all over again too. He'll see it through with the same gentle, stalwart patience as before.
A squeeze to one of Eren's arms as he turns him toward the kitchen, then lets go so he can lead the way, grabbing for an apron on a hook next to the refrigerator without a second thought. ]
Have a seat. [ A gesture to the bar counter that will let Eren watch him while he cooks, the place where he and Akechi eat all their meals together, side by side. ] Any requests?
[ He doubts it! ]
no subject
[Maruki understands anyway. They'll learn how to communicate with a glance once again. Eren trusts him implicitly, even now.
[He sits at the bar. The Machiya looks about as ostentatious as the farmhouse, but Eren hasn't been at all startled by the environmental changes of Somnius. He spent a long time here, recognizes what should be out of place. He's able to digest the Machiya for that reason - could come to like it, even, so long as Maruki is here.
[He pushes the image of Akechi Goro out of his mind. His heart isn't ready yet.]
This place has all sorts of food, doesn't it? [But, no. No requests, as expected.]
I'll eat anything. I can't remember the last time I did. [Days, at least. Years? Millenia?]
no subject
And simple might truly be best. The machiya came wonderfully equipped, just as it would have been back home; there is always warm rice in the rice cooker, always leftover miso soup that can be reheated. Maruki pulls the pot out of the fridge, sets it on the stove and continues rooting around the kitchen for more as he speaks, his tone light. ]
One day, I'm going to ask someone that question and they're going to say to me, "actually, Maruki-sensei, yes! I have a whole menu to request from you, and I want it cooked exactly to my preferences. Chop chop, chef." But until then, you're all infuriatingly easy to feed.
[ He glances up, smiling wryly. ]
I'm only teasing.
[ Eren never laughed before, and he absolutely won't now, but it doesn't matter. It never made Maruki treat him any differently. With the people he cares for, he's affectionate and sarcastic in equal measure. ]
no subject
[He wishes he could at least smile, if only to let Maruki know that he doesn't mind. If Maruki stopped making stupid jokes, whatever's left of Eren's heart would most certainly break. It already does so often; hurts the same every time.]
Sensei. What's that one?
no subject
Maruki smiles wide enough for both of them as he stirs the soup and dishes up a bowl of rice. ]
It's an honorific for a teacher, or a doctor. Someone who's an expert in their field. There are a few people here who use it for me and it's always oddly flattering...
[ Idle chitchat. Maruki hums as he lays two bowls each of rice and soup out on the counter, western utensils for Eren. Just as he's removing the apron to come around and sit with him, he freezes in place, mouth dropping open momentarily: ]
Oh! Wait, hold on, there's–
[ He whips around, hands flying up into the air in triumph as he spots a little brown paper sack. Success! They weren't all eaten this morning.
He produces from it a single croissant, brings it to Eren as he joins him at the counter. ]
It isn't freshly baked, it's from early this morning, but– you always liked them, right?
I literally never get to use this icon
[There's not more than a twitch to his brow as he eyes the croissant, but it does relay some confusion.]
I guess...
[Bread is just bread - usually hard and lumpy and tasteless. He's not expecting much as he takes a bite.
[Eyes subtly widen. He stares at the oddly-shaped confection. It's good. He remembers now...]
That's right. [Mutters a curse under his breath and takes another bite, swallows.]
Everyone here eats like they're rich. [Ah, but...]
I delivered food.
no subject
He murmurs a quick thank you over the food before digging in, nodding through a spoonful of soup. ]
You did. You ran a whole business. I think you hated aspects of that, though.
[ No, he knows. Maruki shrugs, another warm, hearty spoonful, then sets it down. ]
I took over cooking while you were gone. I'll probably keep that up... But you don't have to go back to work. Everyone has it handled.
lmao girl u couldn't PAY me to go back to working doordash u know the miles that put on my cart?
I don't want to.
[Time to finish this croissant. Fuck Thermopolycule-- Eh. Some combination of words people were always throwing at him.]
It made me angry that so many people here wouldn't feed themselves despite all the food. That's why.
[Croissant break.]
Let them starve.
no subject
A short sound that shocks out of his solar plexus as he drops the chopsticks from his mouth to look over at Eren, eyes widening behind his glasses. ]
You– oh, you're serious.
[ Not judgmental. Almost... relieved, actually. ]
I kind of thought that might be the reason you did it, more than anything else. You were so irritated with me about that when I first arrived. I quickly understood why, of course.
[ He waves his free hand as if clearing the thoughts from the air. ]
Regardless! I know I have no stake in the business, but if I did, I certainly wouldn't blame you for leaving it behind. I'm sure Jean will be happy to handle it.
[ Is he sure of that? Not really. But, frankly, it doesn't matter to him. What matters is Eren doing whatever the hell he wants. No one will starve, because Thermo won't die with him, but he's allowed to say fuck it and go. ]
no subject
[Jean has every right to hate him. Eren knows this.
[It hurts anyway. The last thing he wants is to be made a cage. He always allowed his friends their own autonomy - never altered their bodies or minds to keep them at bay. That was its own form of cruelty, but still...
[They're married. Eren loves him. He wants to be loved. Many have claimed that theirs is unconditional, but Eren's always known that isn't true.
[He's been quiet too long again, hand frozen, holding the spoon, eyes unfocused on the table.
[He used to tell Maruki almost anything. Not this, though. He wouldn't understand, Eren thinks. No one else but he or Jean could.
[A new thought comes to interrupt the static. Eren realizes something; lifts his head.]
You really aren't counseling anymore, then. Just cooking. [Two statements, but he waits for confirmation.]
no subject
Asking if he visited the farm elicited a reaction. Mentioning Thermo and Jean elicits a reaction.
Noted.
He tears off a tiny corner of what's left of Eren's croissant to have a nibble himself. ]
I'm not counseling in any formal capacity, no. I won't start that again. I don't know how long I'll stick with cooking either, but for now it's good.
[ A beat. He doesn't look at Eren, shrugs. ]
It got me out of the house, at least. I wasn't leaving otherwise.
[ Another beat. Maruki doesn't know why he's still talking. He and Eren got to a point where he really couldn't obfuscate his emotions anymore, and certainly couldn't lie about them. They pour forth, even with this Eren who hasn't had to listen to him for four infinitely long years. ]
I felt a little like you, sometimes. Forcing myself to keep to a routine because otherwise, there was just... nothing.
[ Grief. He's describing grief.
And normally, this is where he would apologize, change the subject, get back on track. You say what you think you should say instead, Eren told him once, to get him to cut the bullshit. But he doesn't do that anymore. Not with Eren. ]
no subject
[After that, it's all grief. Waking up in the morning and remembering that your comrade is dead is a unique sort of Hell, but then the Commander is calling for you to stand at attention, so you do, and you forget for a little while. That continues on until you're nineteen years old, barreling toward your own death, where grief will cease to have any weight.
[It isn't like that here. The war they fight is quiet like a slow-acting poison. When you wake up and remember that your friend is gone, all there is ahead of you is another day to live without them. The Commanders sit in their cottages and drink tea. You find ways to fill the time. You must find ways to fill the time. All the while uncertain as to whether or not ghosts are really ghosts.
[Eren never meant to cause Maruki grief. He is a creature built from grief, born grieving. It never gets easier. It never hurts less. He still sees them, hears them, feels them - all of them. Even those who probably never would have called him a friend themselves.
[Now, here, at the end of his life, so many have been left to grieve - grieve Eren, grieve the world. To love Eren is to lose him, and Maruki will a thousand times more than anyone else will.
[Why? Because they'll meet a thousand more times than anyone else will. Because they were meant to sit just like this, face to familiar, bespectacled face.
[Eren's hand starts to reach across the table - stills...
[...connects at Maruki's bicep, squeezing. Eren looks him in the eye. The words "I'm sorry" are so terribly cheap. He can't bring himself to say them. Maybe Maruki will know. He knows so many things.
[Eren lets go of Maruki's arm; withdraws his hand.]
If there's time...[There's never time.]...we'll just rest a while.
I'm tired. [It feels odd to admit.] Dying, I thought...I wouldn't be anymore.
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Still, Maruki accepts it. Goes to catch Eren's hand– it's already gone.
He breaks the remaining croissant in half, hands it over to Eren without question. ]
There's plenty of time. And candidly... I'm tired too. Not like you are, but.
[ It was a familiar feeling in the worst way. No amount of sleep or even just inertia could give him any reprieve. Whether he closed his eyes or not, he was still miserable, so what was the point?
He's tired. Now that the adrenaline of finding Eren has all but entirely faded, it's been hitting him again and again. ]
Let's take a nap. I'm serious. I don't have anything else going on today, and even if I did, I don't care. And you deserve to rest, Eren. You do.
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cw: use of the word "pulp"
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1/3 idk how long this will take I'm cookin enjoy
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