[Eren's eyes fall heavily closed again, though, this time, they strain behind the lids.]
It's happened. It will. I think...I've already been there before. Well...
[His mind is starting to spin. He forces his eyes open and takes Maruki's face again, thumbs stroking. Eren's expression softens, and it's impossibly genuine, more telling than a smile.]
You already know my answer, don't you? Which would you choose?
[ Since his return, Eren has always softened more around him than almost anyone else, but this sort of tenderness in his gaze is entirely new. Maruki's fingers still in his hair as his face is held, thumbs skating over morning-stubbled cheeks as he blinks dumbly without his glasses. ]
Your answer...
[ He only has to think about it for a few moments. ]
[ There is truly only one person in all known universes who could convince Maruki that he would be perfectly content in a world devoid of everything and everyone but him. Eren says it, and Maruki believes it, against all reason. ]
Then that's where we'll go. That's what we'll do.
[ He leans a cheek one of Eren's palms, almost unconsciously. ]
[They're alone now, and it's perfect. He could pretend the world is empty, lying here, just like this. And, no, he really isn't one to smile, but his voice can sound warm, and it does sound warm. It's only for Maruki.]
I want you to tell me everything. I want you to talk until you lose your voice. I'll listen every day.
I'll hunt for you. I'll chop would and build us a home.
We'll want for nothing. It'll all be ours...
That sounds nice...right?
[Only a dream, but, no, it isn't. Eren believes it. When's the last time he believed in something?]
Snow falls silently outside, as ever. Time and memory and space and reality are already mutable things, all the more so after his experiences in the alcove last night. He has one foot in that empty world with Eren, alone in a wooded glen with no one to answer to but one another, and the other back in Tokyo, brushing snow out of his hair on the way to his alma mater.
He lays his head back down then, noses at Eren's cheek idly. ]
Mhmm. [A simple, sleepy answer to an obvious question. They want an empty world, don't they? This place is always empty, save for them...
[He doesn't think Aubrey will mind it. He'll make some mention of it when he sees her later today...]
[He turns his face when Maruki nudges it, casually capturing his lips in a brief, chaste kiss. He brushes the tips of their noses together. Maruki's is cold...]
[ Maruki wants to say something about the temperature, his own lifelong poor internal regulation thereof, bad circulation, getting older, also his back can't handle sleeping just on piles of pillows, but– ]
You– um.
[ He may be cold, but his cheeks heat up easily. ]
[He runs a soothing hand over Maruki's back, struck with the sensation that he would have laughed, were it years ago - months ago? Something like that...]
[ The soothing is appreciated, and much needed, but Maruki doesn't pick his head up. When he speaks, the words are muffled into Eren's shirt. ]
If you don't count anything else that happened underneath that mistletoe – and I certainly don't...
[ Oh, god. ]
Ah. Um.
[ Kill him. ]
I mean... I've only kissed two people before you. [ He doesn't have to explain it. Right? Rumi. Venat. That's it. ] It sounds lame to say it's a big deal to me, but...
[Maruki can't see it, but Eren frowns, just a little. He nudges the back of the man's head in an attempt to get him to lift it - he wants to look him in the eyes, lenseless and squinting as they are.]
[ With enough nudging, he does lift his head and meet Eren's gaze, his own eyes squinting a bit to get him in focus. It only sort of works when they're this close. ]
I might just need... to slow down a little. I don't know what I'm doing. [ A weak laugh, mirthless. ] At all. To say the least.
[Eren can't help it, really, the way his face falls. Now, he's the one that wants to hide. His fingers curl again against Maruki's back, over and over.]
Okay.
[That's fine. It's fine, but...]
You meant what you said. Didn't you? [Not because Eren doesn't believe him. What they experienced was undeniable, but still...there are so many, he thinks, who would rather not claim him if they had the choice. Maruki has less choice than anyone.]
I...won't kiss you first. If that's what you want. [Which feels...miserable, but...necessary, maybe.]
[ Oh, Maruki hates to see his expression shift like that. He drags his fingers through Eren's hair until he can curve his palm over the top of his head, pushing it back off his face again and again, a nervous motion. ]
I meant it. I really did. And I do want you to. Trust me.
[ He feels like a starved man being presented with a banquet. He craves affection so badly, always has, and there are those in Somnius who will give it to him so freely, at a level he hasn't experienced in– too long, and in some cases, ever. Maruki could gorge himself on it until he's sick.
He presses his lips together in a line, brows pinching in as he tries to find his words, then tries again. ]
Would you hate it if I said I'd feel much more comfortable if we only did that in here...?
[Eren’s eyes close under Maruki’s kiss. When they roll open again, they go straight up to the ceiling; another blink, and all at once, they’re wet, filled. Eren breathes, Maruki’s body lifting with the rise of his chest.]
[ Maruki has felt unmoored since the moment they were trapped together in that bubble at the party, but suddenly he's shoved back up onto shore. The sight of tears in Eren's eyes again is enough to ground him, because he will always be steadfast for his dearest friend.
But he's never seen tears quite like this.
They don't spill, and they aren't accompanied by soul-rending grief.
Maruki shifts quietly on top of him, frames Eren's face in both hands as he gazes down with a tiny, hopeful smile. ]
You did? [ One thumb brushes back and forth, just slightly beneath his eye. ] Tell me about it.
[Eren's breath catches, sharp enough to be a sob, but he makes no sound. His eyes briefly close under Maruki's touch, tears sliding down from the corners and into his ears. They open slowly. As he speaks, his bottom lip just barely trembles, the corners tugging at an odd angle.]
I don't think I know how to love right. Aside from you, it all feels false, somehow...
More than anything...anything at all...I want to be by your side. Because you feel the same, I...
[His voice becomes so tight that it's difficult to continue. He has to choke something down in his throat, a shaky breath forced out instead.]
[ Maruki has never known anyone who gives boundless love away as freely and wholly as Eren does. The fact that he feels like he doesn't do it right is heartbreaking in its own way.
A small, rotten corner of his heart will cling to that forever: Aside from you, it all feels false. He doesn't know what Eren really means by that, and he certainly doesn't find any pleasure in hearing it – but it means something nevertheless.
He chases those tears with his thumbs, wiping away the wet trails they leave. He always knew Eren would manage to cry around him again, no matter how staunchly he put forth that he was a walking corpse and nothing more, but he never could have expected it like this. Happy, hopeful– lucky.
Lucky to be loved by him.
It makes Maruki's own throat constrict; no one is supposed to feel that way about him, and the only person who could make him believe it is the one who does.
He draws a deep breath that only shakes a little, steadies himself as he strokes Eren's cheeks. The only thing he can manage to say to such beautiful sentiments bubbles up, filled with nothing less than tender conviction: ]
You're my favorite person.
[ The tips of his fingers skate up and over Eren's cheekbones. ]
You really are. In this reality, and the next one, every one... I can promise that, Eren.
[ His smile is shy but wide, warm, nearly beatific. ]
[A whimper is punched out of Eren's chest, garbled and watery. He was never supposed to find "home" again; never supposed to hope, never supposed to want, never supposed to have, because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve love, conditional or otherwise, and he certainly doesn't deserve to eternally rest in a perfect world with his favorite person, his favorite person. Last night, Maruki made him happy - happy.
[Who is he to be happy?
[Who is he to be happy?
[There are these moments, fleeting but bright, where Eren feels as though Maruki has breathed life back into him, as precious as a new birth. It wells up in him now, and he squeezes his eyes shut tight, throwing an arm over the both of them as his teeth grit and bare.
[The tension explodes into a sob, and then, he's lost.
[Because Eren isn't dead. He isn't cold, he isn't hollow, he isn't empty - no, he's all too full. That well of overwhelming, catastrophic emotion never ran dry - only filled higher, and it pours out of his eyes now, his breath catching over and over and over and over again until he's barely breathing. His free arm gropes and grasps for whatever of Maruki he can reach, fingers clawing, legs shifting, because it feels impossible to remain still. He wants to say "thank you" or "I love you" or "why" or "please" or anything, but he can't.
[He can't.
[All he can do is cry, more violently, more passionately, more wretched than he has in years. It's ugly, snotty, ragged, and raw; he doesn't care, because he can't care.
[Through it all, there is this certainy that Maruki will soon wrap his arms around him, hush him, soothe him - Eren doesn't doubt it for a second; he waits for it, shattered there on the makeshift bed.
[ Maruki hasn't asked, and he hasn't had to – he can guess that after Eren returned to his reality to carry out his life, he didn't have time or safety to cry like he had before. Even in those waning days of his former life in Visium, Maruki is pretty sure he had filtered down into only crying around him.
It's been a long time. He deserves this moment, broken open with relief, his whole soul bared to be held in two safe hands.
Maruki doesn't waste time. He rolls off Eren, onto his side, then onto his back, pulling him all along the way. With their positions reversed, Eren can become dead weight atop him, wrap his arms up around Maruki's neck and bury his face down into his chest. He can cry as long and as loud as he wants– as he needs.
He holds Eren tight in both arms, crooks one so that he can stroke fingers through the back of his hair. With his chin tucked down, he can whisper quiet, soothing nonsense near Eren's ear, kiss the top of his head, squeeze him tighter and tighter as he cries and cries.
There's no visible light in Visium anymore, save for the moon reflecting off the snowbanks. There's no telling how long they spend like this in the windmill, and Maruki's perfectly happy that way. Let the rest of the world fall empty around them. They're safe. They're home. ]
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no subject
[Eren's eyes fall heavily closed again, though, this time, they strain behind the lids.]
It's happened. It will. I think...I've already been there before. Well...
[His mind is starting to spin. He forces his eyes open and takes Maruki's face again, thumbs stroking. Eren's expression softens, and it's impossibly genuine, more telling than a smile.]
You already know my answer, don't you? Which would you choose?
no subject
Your answer...
[ He only has to think about it for a few moments. ]
An empty world. Right?
no subject
That part is important.
Honestly...
I'm tired of everything else.
no subject
Then that's where we'll go. That's what we'll do.
[ He leans a cheek one of Eren's palms, almost unconsciously. ]
We'll rest.
no subject
[They're alone now, and it's perfect. He could pretend the world is empty, lying here, just like this. And, no, he really isn't one to smile, but his voice can sound warm, and it does sound warm. It's only for Maruki.]
I want you to tell me everything. I want you to talk until you lose your voice. I'll listen every day.
I'll hunt for you. I'll chop would and build us a home.
We'll want for nothing. It'll all be ours...
That sounds nice...right?
[Only a dream, but, no, it isn't. Eren believes it. When's the last time he believed in something?]
no subject
[ Much more. It sounds–
Well.
Ideal.
Snow falls silently outside, as ever. Time and memory and space and reality are already mutable things, all the more so after his experiences in the alcove last night. He has one foot in that empty world with Eren, alone in a wooded glen with no one to answer to but one another, and the other back in Tokyo, brushing snow out of his hair on the way to his alma mater.
He lays his head back down then, noses at Eren's cheek idly. ]
For now, can we come here more often?
no subject
[He doesn't think Aubrey will mind it. He'll make some mention of it when he sees her later today...]
[He turns his face when Maruki nudges it, casually capturing his lips in a brief, chaste kiss. He brushes the tips of their noses together. Maruki's is cold...]
I'll bring more blankets...
no subject
You– um.
[ He may be cold, but his cheeks heat up easily. ]
You keep kissing me...?
no subject
I do.
[. . .]
Do you want me to stop?
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[ Oh, he's burning red hot. ]
I haven't– oh, my god. This is too embarrassing. Never mind.
[ Face immediately buried down into Eren's shoulder. NEVER MIND. ]
no subject
[He runs a soothing hand over Maruki's back, struck with the sensation that he would have laughed, were it years ago - months ago? Something like that...]
Haven't what? You can tell me...
no subject
If you don't count anything else that happened underneath that mistletoe – and I certainly don't...
[ Oh, god. ]
Ah. Um.
[ Kill him. ]
I mean... I've only kissed two people before you. [ He doesn't have to explain it. Right? Rumi. Venat. That's it. ] It sounds lame to say it's a big deal to me, but...
no subject
It's a big deal to me too. A really big deal.
no subject
I might just need... to slow down a little. I don't know what I'm doing. [ A weak laugh, mirthless. ] At all. To say the least.
no subject
[Eren can't help it, really, the way his face falls. Now, he's the one that wants to hide. His fingers curl again against Maruki's back, over and over.]
Okay.
[That's fine. It's fine, but...]
You meant what you said. Didn't you? [Not because Eren doesn't believe him. What they experienced was undeniable, but still...there are so many, he thinks, who would rather not claim him if they had the choice. Maruki has less choice than anyone.]
I...won't kiss you first. If that's what you want. [Which feels...miserable, but...necessary, maybe.]
no subject
[ Oh, Maruki hates to see his expression shift like that. He drags his fingers through Eren's hair until he can curve his palm over the top of his head, pushing it back off his face again and again, a nervous motion. ]
I meant it. I really did. And I do want you to. Trust me.
[ He feels like a starved man being presented with a banquet. He craves affection so badly, always has, and there are those in Somnius who will give it to him so freely, at a level he hasn't experienced in– too long, and in some cases, ever. Maruki could gorge himself on it until he's sick.
He presses his lips together in a line, brows pinching in as he tries to find his words, then tries again. ]
Would you hate it if I said I'd feel much more comfortable if we only did that in here...?
oh? OH? ears go UP? OH?
We can. We should. Okay.
[And really...]
It's no one else's business. [Not a matter of "claiming" but a matter of privacy - that makes more sense...]
EARS GO UP TAIL SWISH
[ It's exhaled, breathless with relief. Maruki drums his fingers atop Eren's head, then–
Leans down, presses lips to his forehead. That's nothing he hasn't done before. That's fine. ]
I didn't mean to upset you... I'm sorry. As I said, I really don't know what I'm doing. [ But... ] But I'm– happy. I am.
are you ready for this?
I felt happy. Too.
NO. NOT AT ALL
But he's never seen tears quite like this.
They don't spill, and they aren't accompanied by soul-rending grief.
Maruki shifts quietly on top of him, frames Eren's face in both hands as he gazes down with a tiny, hopeful smile. ]
You did? [ One thumb brushes back and forth, just slightly beneath his eye. ] Tell me about it.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don't think I know how to love right. Aside from you, it all feels false, somehow...
More than anything...anything at all...I want to be by your side. Because you feel the same, I...
[His voice becomes so tight that it's difficult to continue. He has to choke something down in his throat, a shaky breath forced out instead.]
I felt lucky. To be the one you love too.
no subject
A small, rotten corner of his heart will cling to that forever: Aside from you, it all feels false. He doesn't know what Eren really means by that, and he certainly doesn't find any pleasure in hearing it – but it means something nevertheless.
He chases those tears with his thumbs, wiping away the wet trails they leave. He always knew Eren would manage to cry around him again, no matter how staunchly he put forth that he was a walking corpse and nothing more, but he never could have expected it like this. Happy, hopeful– lucky.
Lucky to be loved by him.
It makes Maruki's own throat constrict; no one is supposed to feel that way about him, and the only person who could make him believe it is the one who does.
He draws a deep breath that only shakes a little, steadies himself as he strokes Eren's cheeks. The only thing he can manage to say to such beautiful sentiments bubbles up, filled with nothing less than tender conviction: ]
You're my favorite person.
[ The tips of his fingers skate up and over Eren's cheekbones. ]
You really are. In this reality, and the next one, every one... I can promise that, Eren.
[ His smile is shy but wide, warm, nearly beatific. ]
So stay by my side. You're home.
we can wrap here or on your next one I feel sick
[Who is he to be happy?
[Who is he to be happy?
[There are these moments, fleeting but bright, where Eren feels as though Maruki has breathed life back into him, as precious as a new birth. It wells up in him now, and he squeezes his eyes shut tight, throwing an arm over the both of them as his teeth grit and bare.
[The tension explodes into a sob, and then, he's lost.
[Because Eren isn't dead. He isn't cold, he isn't hollow, he isn't empty - no, he's all too full. That well of overwhelming, catastrophic emotion never ran dry - only filled higher, and it pours out of his eyes now, his breath catching over and over and over and over again until he's barely breathing. His free arm gropes and grasps for whatever of Maruki he can reach, fingers clawing, legs shifting, because it feels impossible to remain still. He wants to say "thank you" or "I love you" or "why" or "please" or anything, but he can't.
[He can't.
[All he can do is cry, more violently, more passionately, more wretched than he has in years. It's ugly, snotty, ragged, and raw; he doesn't care, because he can't care.
[Through it all, there is this certainy that Maruki will soon wrap his arms around him, hush him, soothe him - Eren doesn't doubt it for a second; he waits for it, shattered there on the makeshift bed.
[He's home. He's home.
[He's home, he's home, he's home, he's home, he's home.
[Thank God. Thank God, he's finally home.]
no subject
It's been a long time. He deserves this moment, broken open with relief, his whole soul bared to be held in two safe hands.
Maruki doesn't waste time. He rolls off Eren, onto his side, then onto his back, pulling him all along the way. With their positions reversed, Eren can become dead weight atop him, wrap his arms up around Maruki's neck and bury his face down into his chest. He can cry as long and as loud as he wants– as he needs.
He holds Eren tight in both arms, crooks one so that he can stroke fingers through the back of his hair. With his chin tucked down, he can whisper quiet, soothing nonsense near Eren's ear, kiss the top of his head, squeeze him tighter and tighter as he cries and cries.
There's no visible light in Visium anymore, save for the moon reflecting off the snowbanks. There's no telling how long they spend like this in the windmill, and Maruki's perfectly happy that way. Let the rest of the world fall empty around them. They're safe. They're home. ]