[ He is still growling, feral, angry - all the anger he's held at bay for nearly a year. It leaked out, stained him and Eren from time to time - but it wasn't his to direct at sixteen year old Eren. He hadn't lived it, no matter what he claimed the Labyrinth showed him.
Now, there is no reason to hold it back. This is the Eren that broke Mikasa's heart. This is the Eren that he promised he'd watch after her for. The goodbye he didn't remember until after the deed was done.
He's angry. Hurting.
He hates that he's back. Hates that he's pulled into his orbit again, when he thought he was gone.
Eren is his everything.
Eren is inescapable, and inevitable.
Eren's hands are on his face, forcing him to look at him. There are tears in Jean's eyes, but whether they're relief, anger, or grief he's not even sure. He tugs harder on Eren's shirt, instead, and surges forward to kiss him.
He's not shorter than Jean anymore - not by much. He's not as small. Jean still tries to push at him like he is, like he can force him back against a wall as well as when they were sixteen and twenty.
(Eren was always humoring him. Jean has never been stronger than him.) ]
[Eren still humors him. He humors him because Jean has every right to do whatever he'd like with him. This is Hell, and Eren is here to face the consequences.
[But he didn't come here to fight. He came here because the smell of Somnius brought two people to mind before anyone else. Mikasa isn't here. Their story is over. Jean is...
[Eren kisses back, allows himself to be pushed into the nearest wall. He won't let this dissolve into a meaningless fuck, though. He grips Jean tight, one hand on the back of his head, the other around his shoulders. He pulls back and looks at him again, short of breath.]
I did. I know. [He doesn't believe they're talking about Somnius.
[ He whispers it with Eren cupping the back of his head. He lets go of Eren's jacket to curl his hands around Eren's throat. There's no pressure, no threat, other than Jean's own blood smearing a bright red pattern across the front.
He says it the same way he says I love you, because they're one and the same. ]
[ They go hand in hand. What a complexity Eren brings out in Jean. He tightens his hands around Eren's throat, squeezing once. Then he loosens them, shifting to cup the back of Eren's neck - the way he knows Reiner liked. ]
[A grip to the throat, followed by a protective hand. He wonders how much Jean actually wished he would die when he was still young. Perhaps Eren isn't entitled to bitterness in a situation like this, but it comes anyway. What good is a promise to a liar? Eren's broken them before.
[It's a cold feeling; not empty, but cold, like being locked outside. Fingers find their way through the hair at the back of Jean's head. Eren has been staring for a long time.]
I'm looking for it. [The wristband would be with his belongings.]
[ Jean hasn't brought himself to look through what of Eren's remained here. He verified that the pendant wasn't anywhere and left it at that. The hands in his hair make his eyes fall closed.
Trusting. As much as he shouldn't.
He came looking for Jean first. ]
You remember everything, but you've been through the Rumbling, too?
I'm sorry you don't get to rest. But you don't have to do anything more you don't want to here.
[ Jean will handle Thermopolium - he's already done so, with Maruki's help, for the last two weeks. Before he can say anything else, however, Eren asks him to tie the band to his wrist again.
You are my husband.
Jean swallows, gently, and moves one of his hands to grasp Eren's wrist. ]
[He can't rest. Even before he left Visium, Eren withheld his intentions from Jean for a long time, and he'll continue to do so. The sensation hits him like a stone wall, making his throat tight. Back to lying to those he loves the most? He's doing it for them.
[Again.
[But it will be different this time.
[Right?
[Jean speaks again. Lucky, that.
[Eren pulls away and nods. Nothing shows on his face, really - that hasn't quite changed. His eyes no longer produce warmth - he fails to change it.
[But he takes Jean's hand, strokes his thumb over the knuckles. He brings it up to his cheek, closes his eyes, holds it there for a moment.
[Jean should hate him.
[He lowers it again.]
My head is a mess. [How could he ever explain?] My memories are all mixed up...
Jean doesn't know the total breadth of Eren's memories, especially not at this stage; but he accepts it, nodding gently. He takes Eren's hand in one of his own. ]
Okay. If you have questions, feel free to ask.
[ Instead, he leads Eren to their room, though he's left it mostly untouched the last two weeks. That's evident from the light layer of dust settling over some of the surfaces - even Jean would never have let it get that bad normally.
He squeezes his hand as he enters. ]
This is where we moved when you bought the farmland. You liked this room because it faces the forest, not the castle; we watched the sunset together sometimes.
[ He leads him to the dresser that is Eren's, taking a small breath. ]
I made sure your crystal wasn't here, but I didn't keep looking after that. If it's anywhere, it should be in this.
[Eren feels as though he's seeing the memories that Jean relays through a curtain. He can picture them, the way they were, curled against each other, looking out that broad window. Jean used to be what felt like Eren's only anchor in this place. He remembers that more than anything - crawling into his husband's lap and clinging on, grinning, or sobbing, or kissing, or sleeping. Surely, things won't be the same now. He's lost all of his innocence.
[Still. The first thing he did when he woke up in the Enchanted Garden was come to this farm, and there was only one reason.
[Eren watches Jean by the dresser.]
That band was your promise. Mine is still tied around your wrist. It hasn't broken.
You should be the one to find it. [Eren holds out his right hand, where the wristband used to be.] If this is what you want, then. I'm right here.
[ Jean reaches up to squeeze that wrist when Eren holds it out. ]
If it's not here, like I said - I'll get you another.
[ He doesn't want things to be the same. But he still wants Eren here - to laugh, to cry, to try to sleep with him and watch the sunset. He knows there are parts of Eren's mind hidden from even him. In a perfect world, one day, he might've known them.
Their world isn't perfect.
It's cruel, and unjust.
He turns away from Eren, though, to look through the dresser. It's the last draw he examines; the ones stocked with clothes and training uniforms are untouched. But at the bottom of this last drawer - things he hasn't looked into too much. There are mementos, here, too precious to lose but too painful to look upon every day.
In there, the bracelet sits, the leather worn, a cut mended. Jean picks it up and turns to face Eren again. His expression is serious, but his eyes are warm. ]
This is a promise. We don't take it off, or it's bad luck.
[ He mirrors Eren's words to him as he reaches out, tying the leather band securely around his wrist. He has to adjust for the wider size, a bit, but there's more than enough give to fit it.
His fingers linger his wrist, holding his hand in both of Jean's. ]
[It's not nearly as warm as it was the first time. Eren supposes it can't be. They are, indeed, bound here by a promise. Neither of them intends for that promise to be broken. Eren should be glad for that. He is, in a way.
[He doesn't deserve to be hurt, really. He knows that too.
[He lowers his wrist. He wonders if they'll be watching the sunset through this window tonight, or if they're meant to be elsewhere.
[He takes Jeans hand at the wrist where his own band is tied; runs a finger carefully over the leather.]
These bands are a tradition from my home. They represent an eternal commitment. One that transcends even death. Bodies are buried with these wristbands still tied in place.
[Eren's gaze tries to catch Jean's; he'll stare right at him either way.]
Understand what that means to me, Jean.
You are my husband. [Eren pulls his hands away, now turning over that which wears his own wristband. He touches that band with two fingers, the same way he'd touched Jean's.] As long as I wear this wristband, that will never change.
[ His tone is sincere. There's a reason despite everything he's willing to tie this back onto Eren. That Eren allowed him to, despite the anger he was met with. ]
You told me before you won't forget our time here. I believe you because I don't want to forget you, either. You are important to me. You're one of the most important people to me, here.
[ He reaches out for Eren's hand, pulling it up so he can press a kiss to his palm. ]
Not even in death will we part. That's what I want.
["That's what I want," Jean says. Eren isn't sure that he believes him. It could be more like shackles.
[That isn't what he wants. Jean is choosing him freely - that's what he should believe. He'll have to, for now. His promise remains the same either way.
[Eren briefly raises that kissed hand to trail his fingers along Jean's jaw, green eyes watching him. He feels pained. He doesn't know if it shows. Likely not. He suffers to make anything clear, these days.]
Let's be together a while. Look out the window.
After that, there are others I need to see. [His eyes flicker away, out the window mentioned.] That will give you some time.
[ Jean will always carry a part of Eren with him - just like he carries a part of Sasha, and Marco, with him. What he had to learn to do was not carry their whole body and burdens. Like Mikasa, he'll never forget Eren. Unlike Mikasa - he'll let him go, one day.
The same way he did with Marco, when he chose to catch Reiner over a sea of Titans.
He says none of that. Instead he watches Eren, amber eyes soft, and nods after a moment. ]
Of course.
Come back when you're ready. After seeing everyone.
[ But, with that request, he reaches out to tug Eren to the bed, so they can watch the window. So Jean can hold him, bury his face in his hair and be glad he gets to see Eren again, one last time.
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no subject
[ He is still growling, feral, angry - all the anger he's held at bay for nearly a year. It leaked out, stained him and Eren from time to time - but it wasn't his to direct at sixteen year old Eren. He hadn't lived it, no matter what he claimed the Labyrinth showed him.
Now, there is no reason to hold it back. This is the Eren that broke Mikasa's heart. This is the Eren that he promised he'd watch after her for. The goodbye he didn't remember until after the deed was done.
He's angry. Hurting.
He hates that he's back. Hates that he's pulled into his orbit again, when he thought he was gone.
Eren is his everything.
Eren is inescapable, and inevitable.
Eren's hands are on his face, forcing him to look at him. There are tears in Jean's eyes, but whether they're relief, anger, or grief he's not even sure. He tugs harder on Eren's shirt, instead, and surges forward to kiss him.
He's not shorter than Jean anymore - not by much. He's not as small. Jean still tries to push at him like he is, like he can force him back against a wall as well as when they were sixteen and twenty.
(Eren was always humoring him. Jean has never been stronger than him.) ]
no subject
[But he didn't come here to fight. He came here because the smell of Somnius brought two people to mind before anyone else. Mikasa isn't here. Their story is over. Jean is...
[Eren kisses back, allows himself to be pushed into the nearest wall. He won't let this dissolve into a meaningless fuck, though. He grips Jean tight, one hand on the back of his head, the other around his shoulders. He pulls back and looks at him again, short of breath.]
I did. I know. [He doesn't believe they're talking about Somnius.
[Jean should punch him harder.]
no subject
[ He whispers it with Eren cupping the back of his head. He lets go of Eren's jacket to curl his hands around Eren's throat. There's no pressure, no threat, other than Jean's own blood smearing a bright red pattern across the front.
He says it the same way he says I love you, because they're one and the same. ]
no subject
[He hates being lied to. Hates knowing that he was being lied to, and accepting it anyway.
[It hurts, because of course it does. Eren never wanted any of them to hate him.
[Jean's hands are wrapped around Eren's throat. He recalls a conversation in which Jean promised to kill him if worse came to worst.
[On his own? It was never a real threat. It isn't now either. Eren wouldn't lie down and take it anymore.]
I know you do.
It doesn't change anything. [Their vow, their love, the end of the world, the grief of the past two weeks.]
I still love you. There's no use lying about it.
OHH THE TSUTOKKI ICONS
Of course I still love you, you prick.
[ They go hand in hand. What a complexity Eren brings out in Jean. He tightens his hands around Eren's throat, squeezing once. Then he loosens them, shifting to cup the back of Eren's neck - the way he knows Reiner liked. ]
We promised.
[ His bracelet is still tight and snug against his skin. Jean swallows a little. ]
Did it break?
no subject
[It's a cold feeling; not empty, but cold, like being locked outside. Fingers find their way through the hair at the back of Jean's head. Eren has been staring for a long time.]
I'm looking for it. [The wristband would be with his belongings.]
I came here first, Jean.
no subject
[ Jean hasn't brought himself to look through what of Eren's remained here. He verified that the pendant wasn't anywhere and left it at that. The hands in his hair make his eyes fall closed.
Trusting. As much as he shouldn't.
He came looking for Jean first. ]
You remember everything, but you've been through the Rumbling, too?
no subject
[In that way...
[Eren lays their foreheads together. He closes his eyes too.]
I just saw you.
Jean. Tie it to my wrist again. [Don't go.] You are my husband. I haven't forgotten.
no subject
I'm sorry you don't get to rest. But you don't have to do anything more you don't want to here.
[ Jean will handle Thermopolium - he's already done so, with Maruki's help, for the last two weeks. Before he can say anything else, however, Eren asks him to tie the band to his wrist again.
You are my husband.
Jean swallows, gently, and moves one of his hands to grasp Eren's wrist. ]
Then lets look for it together.
no subject
[Again.
[But it will be different this time.
[Right?
[Jean speaks again. Lucky, that.
[Eren pulls away and nods. Nothing shows on his face, really - that hasn't quite changed. His eyes no longer produce warmth - he fails to change it.
[But he takes Jean's hand, strokes his thumb over the knuckles. He brings it up to his cheek, closes his eyes, holds it there for a moment.
[Jean should hate him.
[He lowers it again.]
My head is a mess. [How could he ever explain?] My memories are all mixed up...
[Point being:]
Show me where to look.
no subject
Jean doesn't know the total breadth of Eren's memories, especially not at this stage; but he accepts it, nodding gently. He takes Eren's hand in one of his own. ]
Okay. If you have questions, feel free to ask.
[ Instead, he leads Eren to their room, though he's left it mostly untouched the last two weeks. That's evident from the light layer of dust settling over some of the surfaces - even Jean would never have let it get that bad normally.
He squeezes his hand as he enters. ]
This is where we moved when you bought the farmland. You liked this room because it faces the forest, not the castle; we watched the sunset together sometimes.
[ He leads him to the dresser that is Eren's, taking a small breath. ]
I made sure your crystal wasn't here, but I didn't keep looking after that. If it's anywhere, it should be in this.
no subject
[Still. The first thing he did when he woke up in the Enchanted Garden was come to this farm, and there was only one reason.
[Eren watches Jean by the dresser.]
That band was your promise. Mine is still tied around your wrist. It hasn't broken.
You should be the one to find it. [Eren holds out his right hand, where the wristband used to be.] If this is what you want, then. I'm right here.
no subject
If it's not here, like I said - I'll get you another.
[ He doesn't want things to be the same. But he still wants Eren here - to laugh, to cry, to try to sleep with him and watch the sunset. He knows there are parts of Eren's mind hidden from even him. In a perfect world, one day, he might've known them.
Their world isn't perfect.
It's cruel, and unjust.
He turns away from Eren, though, to look through the dresser. It's the last draw he examines; the ones stocked with clothes and training uniforms are untouched. But at the bottom of this last drawer - things he hasn't looked into too much. There are mementos, here, too precious to lose but too painful to look upon every day.
In there, the bracelet sits, the leather worn, a cut mended. Jean picks it up and turns to face Eren again. His expression is serious, but his eyes are warm. ]
This is a promise. We don't take it off, or it's bad luck.
[ He mirrors Eren's words to him as he reaches out, tying the leather band securely around his wrist. He has to adjust for the wider size, a bit, but there's more than enough give to fit it.
His fingers linger his wrist, holding his hand in both of Jean's. ]
It's my promise to you.
[ I love you.
I won't let you go without a fight. ]
As a husband, to my husband...
no subject
[He doesn't deserve to be hurt, really. He knows that too.
[He lowers his wrist. He wonders if they'll be watching the sunset through this window tonight, or if they're meant to be elsewhere.
[He takes Jeans hand at the wrist where his own band is tied; runs a finger carefully over the leather.]
These bands are a tradition from my home. They represent an eternal commitment. One that transcends even death. Bodies are buried with these wristbands still tied in place.
[Eren's gaze tries to catch Jean's; he'll stare right at him either way.]
Understand what that means to me, Jean.
You are my husband. [Eren pulls his hands away, now turning over that which wears his own wristband. He touches that band with two fingers, the same way he'd touched Jean's.] As long as I wear this wristband, that will never change.
This is more than a promise.
no subject
[ His tone is sincere. There's a reason despite everything he's willing to tie this back onto Eren. That Eren allowed him to, despite the anger he was met with. ]
You told me before you won't forget our time here. I believe you because I don't want to forget you, either. You are important to me. You're one of the most important people to me, here.
[ He reaches out for Eren's hand, pulling it up so he can press a kiss to his palm. ]
Not even in death will we part. That's what I want.
no subject
[That isn't what he wants. Jean is choosing him freely - that's what he should believe. He'll have to, for now. His promise remains the same either way.
[Eren briefly raises that kissed hand to trail his fingers along Jean's jaw, green eyes watching him. He feels pained. He doesn't know if it shows. Likely not. He suffers to make anything clear, these days.]
Let's be together a while. Look out the window.
After that, there are others I need to see. [His eyes flicker away, out the window mentioned.] That will give you some time.
wrappu taggu
The same way he did with Marco, when he chose to catch Reiner over a sea of Titans.
He says none of that. Instead he watches Eren, amber eyes soft, and nods after a moment. ]
Of course.
Come back when you're ready. After seeing everyone.
[ But, with that request, he reaches out to tug Eren to the bed, so they can watch the window. So Jean can hold him, bury his face in his hair and be glad he gets to see Eren again, one last time.
The Eren he really lost when he came to Visium. ]