[Maruki is right. This isn't about him, and even Eren knows that. Maybe he only wanted to set the record straight, to somehow exonerate Levi. But he believes that Maruki didn't hate Levi, because that's what Maruki says. He understands. Of course he does.
[Eren is free to be. A familiar, hideous thought rears its head, and Eren speaks it, because he's allowed to.]
I wish he'd really killed me.
[At some point, giving voice to those thoughts became useless; now, he's told Maruki that he doesn't want to die anymore, and he still means that.
[But he still wishes Levi had killed him. He wishes he'd had that revenge. It would have only been temporary, but it would have been what he was owed.]
[ It never gets easier to hear, and now it's harder than ever.
And it doesn't line up with– what he knows. What he thinks he knows. In reality, Maruki's aware he never got a read on Eren and Levi's relationship after his return. He knew that Eren was nervous about even being in the same room as him for Dolph's party, for fear of ruining Levi's night, and that's it.
But Levi cared about Eren, despite it all. He does know that, above anything else.
Maruki lets go of his knee, rests his arm over Eren's shoulders instead. ]
I can understand why you'd wish for that. He wouldn't have, though. He cared so much for you. I'm sorry...
[Eren slumps forward with his elbows landing on his knees, his face falling into his hands. The sob that stumbles out of him is that of a child, awoken by a nightmare. His hands shake.]
[Eren's speech sounds labored, slightly slurring, if only from the weight of his grief, his efforts not to scream. He sways where he sits like he might fall over, but Maruki's grip is strong enough.]
[ The true answer is a cruel one. Eren was never meant to carry this grief even a short distance; he was meant to die and leave that to those who were left. To be conscripted to grieve for as long as they're in this reality is a fate worse than death, he's sure.
It occurs to Maruki for the first time that their perfect empty world won't be free of that grief either. Maybe it's too selfish of a thing to want after all, when he sees how much pain Eren is in now. ]
I don't know. But you won't have to be alone for any of it. I promise.
[That empty world won't be free of this grief, or the grief that came before it, but it will be free of continued grief. Eren doesn't want another soul beside them, because he can't bear to lose one.
[Eren hates this place. He hates checking for usernames all day long.
[It feels impossible to accept. Levi had every reason to hate Eren. That was true long before they reached the cellar in Shiganshina. All Eren ever brought him was devastation - how could he claim to know that Levi felt his love?
[Levi will live a long life because of Eren. That was his love.
[He'll live a broken life too.
[Eren doesn't know what to do with himself. All at once, he feels he could fall asleep, never wake up again. He slumps heavily against Maruki, the sobs swallowed, the tears drying.]
[ And that's worse, isn't it? When the grief ceases to expel itself and turns to that heavy, leaden exhaustion. Maruki knows it well, hates to see it happening to Eren.
He holds on tight, tries to think of what to do. They could stay here, but it's hardly comfortable, and he can't imagine Eren making the trek all the way to the windmill, unless–
He ducks his head to whisper against Eren's ear, beneath a curtain of loose hair. ]
I'll carry you. Back to our bed.
[ As a bird, Eren fits perfectly in the cradle of his arms. ]
[So it is. To be a bird, or a wolf, or a monster; they all guard him from that ever-growing pit in his heart. Usually, when he transforms, it's a leap into flight, but not now. He falls into his form, landing limp on the ground, unmoving.]
[ Maruki's just as graceless as Eren, practically falling over as his arms are suddenly empty.
Eren is little more than a feathery lump on the ground, and Maruki has to chomp down on the inside of his cheek not to let even the smallest smile peek out. It's a little cute, that's all...
He stoops down, scoops Eren into his arms and straightens up. ]
Bear with me for a second, it's still sort of crystallized up here...
[ There's a jagged path back down the cliff cut through the crystal, but he has to squeeze through a crevice first to get there, Eren held protectively against his chest as he does.
Once he's free and can see the footpath, Maruki bends his neck, presses a kiss to the top of Eren's head. ]
You can sleep on the way there, too. I'll try not to jostle you too much.
[He may as well already be asleep. He doesn't want to fight that impulse to simply stop anymore. Even if it's just for tonight, he'll stop trying, be useless, a corpse.
[That's what he wishes for. He doesn't want to cry and scream until his throat goes hoarse. He wants Maruki to cradle his head and scratch his back. He wants to feel safe and warm.
[He's rocked as Maruki makes his way through the crystal crags, eyes closed, vision black. It's better than sleep, listening to him quietly talk as he carries Eren, home.]
[ And Maruki does chatter quietly the whole way there. About nothing in particular – the stars popping up in the darkening sky overhead, the half-cleared crystals around the base of the cliff, what he's looking forward to seeing in the spring. Nothing of consequence, nothing Eren truly needs to listen to. The comfort of white noise.
Inside the windmill, he tucks Eren in one arm, uses the other to climb up the ladder to their landing. He considers for a moment if he should transform again too, if they should take to their nest, but– Eren's eyes are still shut. He's warm, breathing even and peaceful, even if he's still mired in his own misery.
So Maruki simply lays himself down on their makeshift bed, still holding the seabird in his arms. ]
You can stay like this, if you want, or you can change back. I'll hold you either way.
[The second Maruki is lying down, Eren is sprawling out, flat against his chest, letting out short little sounds, as mournful as that childlike crying.]
[There's another soft, miserable little peep, and then Eren nips a couple of times at Maruki's cheek.
[After that, he goes limp again, eyes closing. He lies right there on Maruki's chest until he's almost asleep, but something wakes him again. He doesn't bother slipping off before transforming back, crushing Maruki for only a moment before he adjusts, relieves some of that weight.
[And then he's limp again, clinging with his arms around Maruki's neck.]
soft, miserable little peep: the eren jaeger story
[ There's a short, soft wheeze as Eren's full weight settles suddenly on top of him, and then they've adjusted more comfortably, and Maruki wraps him up tight in his arms once again.
He tips his head, staring down at Eren curled into his chest. Runs gentle fingers through his hair, again and again, soothing in its repetition. ]
[The question cracks Eren open like a hammer to the skull. He lets out a sob, bitten off with Maruki's sleeve, just so he has something to hold onto. He continues crying, and it's all the answer he can give. He feels so young, too human. He wishes for his mother, or to be fifteen again, before he was such a disappointment.]
[ There's nothing Maruki can tell him that will make any of this hurt less. He knows this, and he hates it deeply, but– there's sincerely nothing, nothing to be done.
He holds Eren even more securely, safe in both arms and this little sanctuary they've made for themselves. Quietly, a now-familiar song begins to fill the warm air around them, as soft as a mourning dove's coo. ]
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no subject
[Eren is free to be. A familiar, hideous thought rears its head, and Eren speaks it, because he's allowed to.]
I wish he'd really killed me.
[At some point, giving voice to those thoughts became useless; now, he's told Maruki that he doesn't want to die anymore, and he still means that.
[But he still wishes Levi had killed him. He wishes he'd had that revenge. It would have only been temporary, but it would have been what he was owed.]
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And it doesn't line up with– what he knows. What he thinks he knows. In reality, Maruki's aware he never got a read on Eren and Levi's relationship after his return. He knew that Eren was nervous about even being in the same room as him for Dolph's party, for fear of ruining Levi's night, and that's it.
But Levi cared about Eren, despite it all. He does know that, above anything else.
Maruki lets go of his knee, rests his arm over Eren's shoulders instead. ]
I can understand why you'd wish for that. He wouldn't have, though. He cared so much for you. I'm sorry...
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I destroyed him.
[And the terrible list begins.]
I killed my father. I killed mom.
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The people Eren destroyed loved him anyway. Eren knows that. It won't help to hear it; it will only make this worse.
There's no way to make it better, really. They just have to weather the storm together. ]
You're still allowed to grieve.
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[Eren's speech sounds labored, slightly slurring, if only from the weight of his grief, his efforts not to scream. He sways where he sits like he might fall over, but Maruki's grip is strong enough.]
...do I have to keep. Grieving?
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It occurs to Maruki for the first time that their perfect empty world won't be free of that grief either. Maybe it's too selfish of a thing to want after all, when he sees how much pain Eren is in now. ]
I don't know. But you won't have to be alone for any of it. I promise.
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[Eren hates this place. He hates checking for usernames all day long.
[He whispers into his hands:]
I loved him...
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But Maruki's confident in this: ]
And he knew that. He felt that while you were both here.
[ It's more than he would have had otherwise. That has to count for something.
He snakes his other arm down around Eren's chest to loop him into a hunched over hug, solid, warm. ]
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[Levi will live a long life because of Eren. That was his love.
[He'll live a broken life too.
[Eren doesn't know what to do with himself. All at once, he feels he could fall asleep, never wake up again. He slumps heavily against Maruki, the sobs swallowed, the tears drying.]
I'm tired...
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He holds on tight, tries to think of what to do. They could stay here, but it's hardly comfortable, and he can't imagine Eren making the trek all the way to the windmill, unless–
He ducks his head to whisper against Eren's ear, beneath a curtain of loose hair. ]
I'll carry you. Back to our bed.
[ As a bird, Eren fits perfectly in the cradle of his arms. ]
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Eren is little more than a feathery lump on the ground, and Maruki has to chomp down on the inside of his cheek not to let even the smallest smile peek out. It's a little cute, that's all...
He stoops down, scoops Eren into his arms and straightens up. ]
Bear with me for a second, it's still sort of crystallized up here...
[ There's a jagged path back down the cliff cut through the crystal, but he has to squeeze through a crevice first to get there, Eren held protectively against his chest as he does.
Once he's free and can see the footpath, Maruki bends his neck, presses a kiss to the top of Eren's head. ]
You can sleep on the way there, too. I'll try not to jostle you too much.
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[That's what he wishes for. He doesn't want to cry and scream until his throat goes hoarse. He wants Maruki to cradle his head and scratch his back. He wants to feel safe and warm.
[He's rocked as Maruki makes his way through the crystal crags, eyes closed, vision black. It's better than sleep, listening to him quietly talk as he carries Eren, home.]
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Inside the windmill, he tucks Eren in one arm, uses the other to climb up the ladder to their landing. He considers for a moment if he should transform again too, if they should take to their nest, but– Eren's eyes are still shut. He's warm, breathing even and peaceful, even if he's still mired in his own misery.
So Maruki simply lays himself down on their makeshift bed, still holding the seabird in his arms. ]
You can stay like this, if you want, or you can change back. I'll hold you either way.
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Maruki strokes a steady hand down Eren's feathery back, again and again, the motion soothing in its repetition if nothing else. ]
You can sleep as long as you want. We can stay here for days. I won't let anyone come looking for you. Okay? Let me take care of it.
no subject
[After that, he goes limp again, eyes closing. He lies right there on Maruki's chest until he's almost asleep, but something wakes him again. He doesn't bother slipping off before transforming back, crushing Maruki for only a moment before he adjusts, relieves some of that weight.
[And then he's limp again, clinging with his arms around Maruki's neck.]
soft, miserable little peep: the eren jaeger story
He tips his head, staring down at Eren curled into his chest. Runs gentle fingers through his hair, again and again, soothing in its repetition. ]
Do you want me to sing to you?
IT'S SO.
OHHHH WE CAN WRAP I HATE THIS
He holds Eren even more securely, safe in both arms and this little sanctuary they've made for themselves. Quietly, a now-familiar song begins to fill the warm air around them, as soft as a mourning dove's coo. ]