[Eren's mind works quite the same way when he transforms, and he's about to say so before Tobias surprises him with another, seemingly unrelated, question. There's a bit of a pause before he responds.]
No.
I've hurt innocent people without remorse too. I suppose that's just the type of person I am.
[Oh. ... Technically the hosts of the bodies he hurts either aren't consenting or don't truly know what they're getting into, so he... has hurt innocent people? ... He can unpack that later. Or never.]
I guess it's a question that doesn't make sense to most people.
There's someone who tortured me so badly I nearly died. The alien in her brain was the one who did it, really - but she cooperated with them. But there was something about her that I saw myself in her. Saw someone I care about in her, too.
So when she showed up again claiming to be with the resistance I gave her a chance.
... I shouldn't have. She nearly killed us.
But every night I see her there, dragging me between pain and happiness again so hard my brain nearly breaks and I don't know what to do anymore.
[He can't get Taylor out of his head. She's there and he hates her but he doesn't and it's impossible to try to pull out the emotion connected to what happened.]
[Eren reads Tobias' messages as they come in, then scrolls back up, reads them all again. It's a story he already knows, and he might be Tobias, or he might be that girl instead...
[They love someone they hate. Eren's assumption is second nature, fact at its conception: Tobias' nightmares have a lot less to do with the torture than they have to do with the fact she's there at all.]
On paper, an enemy. Someone who willingly gave their free will up for vanity. But in another life she could have been like the person I care about the most. They have similar sharp tempers, eagerness to fight, and dry senses of humor.
Rachel would never give herself up, though - not even if she got horribly injured like Taylor did. But she's so similar in some ways that I can't get her out of my head.
[He's curled up in his blankets in his treehouse, but not from the chill. It's difficult to self-soothe for him.]
I shouldn't care about her. But she was a person like anyone else at one time. She made a bad decision based on fleeting emotions and it cost her everything. I know she was fighting against her Yeerk. I saw it. But it's something that's not easy to take back, especially on your own.
[It's clear that Tobias is upset, but difficult to tell how much. Even if Eren were there to calm him down in person, he's sure he wouldn't be any good at it. As it stands, they're trading words over a screen. Eren has no idea how to untangle his young friend's mind.]
Whether or not you should care about her, you do. Trying to fight it clearly isn't working.
[Eren has probably insisted that he was "relatively calm" seconds before flying off the handle at least a thousand times, but he won't press Tobias about it without even being able to see him. This would all be easier if he were able to see him.]
Come to the farm for a while. Even if you can't sleep, you won't be by yourself. There's always someone or something awake.
[It doesn't take all that much time - though he's a little out of breath by the time he gets there. He wasn't running, but this body really is not built for stamina.]
[He hesitates at the door. It's late... he probably should be quiet. He near-silently opens the door, softly closing the door and letting out a breath.]
[His hands are shaking. He just heads into the kitchen and quietly pours himself a glass of water.]
[Tobias doesn't startle Eren, but Eren does worry he'll startle Tobias. He tries to make at least one or two footsteps loud as he enters the kitchen. He's in his sleep clothes, which is to say a pair of soft pants and not much else. His hair is tied up messily on the top of his head, but he doesn't necessarily look like he just woke up.]
[Tobias on the other hand looks awful. He's in a loose shirt and a pair of jeans that look like they've seen better days, along with a small bag. His hair is mussed and there are dark circles under his eyes. He looks like he's slept barely a few hours for a good few nights.]
I... tried tea, but maybe yours is better?
[He takes a shaky breath and uses both hands to drink some water, afraid that he's going to drop the glass.]
I'm glad you're... at least willing to tolerate me.
[Eren doesn't remember everything from his time here before, but he remembers how it felt to stop sleeping. He'd never been the type to lie awake before; all at once, he had no choice anymore. Tobias looks worse than he ever did back then, the way he somehow managed to keep operating purely out of spite.]
You're a mess. Go sit on the couch.
[Eren almost thinks to lead him there, but if the kid falls, he'll simply pick him up. He goes to make the tea, as promised. He's not hopeful that it will help Tobias fall asleep, but at least it will taste better than anything else he's been drinking.
[It takes a few minutes. He returns with two mugs, sitting in one of the armchairs next to the couch. He passes Tobias his tea, then bring his legs up onto the chair, holding his own mug between them.]
If I knew how to help, I'd tell you. I used to have the same problem.
[He heads over and sits down, shoulders hunched a bit and his breath a little short. It's fine. He's... he's fine. He's safe. For now - no. For a while. Until he gets back home.]
... I guess it's not that uncommon. ... I used to think people with insomnia just weren't trying hard enough to sleep, but... now it's me.
[He takes the mug and drinks a little bit, trying to calm himself.]
... I function better as a bird now than as a human. I'd ask if that's weird, but I know the answer is 'yes'.
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[True enough. They don't disturb him particularly more than anything else does, anyway. He's become so numb to misery.]
Do you sleep easier when you're in your hawk form?
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Usually I do. I can retreat back into the hawk instincts and sort of 'turn off' my human brain a little. I get nightmares still but less frequently.
[There's a pause, before -]
Have you ever felt bad about hurting someone who deserved it?
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No.
I've hurt innocent people without remorse too. I suppose that's just the type of person I am.
cw: torture
Or never.]I guess it's a question that doesn't make sense to most people.
There's someone who tortured me so badly I nearly died. The alien in her brain was the one who did it, really - but she cooperated with them. But there was something about her that I saw myself in her. Saw someone I care about in her, too.
So when she showed up again claiming to be with the resistance I gave her a chance.
... I shouldn't have. She nearly killed us.
But every night I see her there, dragging me between pain and happiness again so hard my brain nearly breaks and I don't know what to do anymore.
[He can't get Taylor out of his head. She's there and he hates her but he doesn't and it's impossible to try to pull out the emotion connected to what happened.]
[But he can't go on like this.]
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[They love someone they hate. Eren's assumption is second nature, fact at its conception: Tobias' nightmares have a lot less to do with the torture than they have to do with the fact she's there at all.]
Who was she to you?
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Rachel would never give herself up, though - not even if she got horribly injured like Taylor did. But she's so similar in some ways that I can't get her out of my head.
[He's curled up in his blankets in his treehouse, but not from the chill. It's difficult to self-soothe for him.]
I shouldn't care about her. But she was a person like anyone else at one time. She made a bad decision based on fleeting emotions and it cost her everything. I know she was fighting against her Yeerk. I saw it. But it's something that's not easy to take back, especially on your own.
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Whether or not you should care about her, you do. Trying to fight it clearly isn't working.
Tobias. Tell me how you're breathing right now.
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[A moment passes before another message appears.]
No, I'm... relatively calm, I promise. I'm just exhausted and I hate feeling vulnerable like this.
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Come to the farm for a while. Even if you can't sleep, you won't be by yourself. There's always someone or something awake.
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[It doesn't take all that much time - though he's a little out of breath by the time he gets there. He wasn't running, but this body really is not built for stamina.]
[He hesitates at the door. It's late... he probably should be quiet. He near-silently opens the door, softly closing the door and letting out a breath.]
[His hands are shaking. He just heads into the kitchen and quietly pours himself a glass of water.]
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I can make tea if you want.
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I... tried tea, but maybe yours is better?
[He takes a shaky breath and uses both hands to drink some water, afraid that he's going to drop the glass.]
I'm glad you're... at least willing to tolerate me.
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You're a mess. Go sit on the couch.
[Eren almost thinks to lead him there, but if the kid falls, he'll simply pick him up. He goes to make the tea, as promised. He's not hopeful that it will help Tobias fall asleep, but at least it will taste better than anything else he's been drinking.
[It takes a few minutes. He returns with two mugs, sitting in one of the armchairs next to the couch. He passes Tobias his tea, then bring his legs up onto the chair, holding his own mug between them.]
If I knew how to help, I'd tell you. I used to have the same problem.
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... I guess it's not that uncommon. ... I used to think people with insomnia just weren't trying hard enough to sleep, but... now it's me.
[He takes the mug and drinks a little bit, trying to calm himself.]
... I function better as a bird now than as a human. I'd ask if that's weird, but I know the answer is 'yes'.
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No. I know what you mean.
[And he'd explain more, but...neither of them really have to.]
It's driving you crazy not having the form you usually rely on. You'll have to work harder to get the shards you need.
[. . .]
How do you usually sleep, then? High up? Sitting?
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[He sighs and closes his eyes.]
I think I almost have enough. I'm close to having it back...
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[Eren starts to get up from his seat.]
Let's go up to the roof. See how you sleep up there.
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As long as I won’t fall off.
[He’s joking but also he can’t morph to fix a broken bone yet. Still, he gets up and follows Eren.]