[ It's not what he first wanted to hear when he arrived here, no–
It's better.
Maruki tips his cheek down into Eren's hand, rests heavily against it, eyes fixed forward on the mess of cushions and blankets and pillows that is the loft of the windmill. The true weight of those words settles over both of them slowly, and it's such a beautiful thing, so sacred between just the two of them – Eren would stay alive for him. For no one else but him. When everything else is gone but the two of them, Eren will still have a reason to live...
His throat feels tight, heat rising up the back of it. ]
I realize that now. It's... [ He turns his cheek ever so slightly to brush his nose against Eren's palm, then a kiss. With anyone else, he'd force himself to find the words, but with his Other– ] I don't know what to say.
[ And that's okay.
A bit of dampness catches on his lashes. Eren has seen him cry more than anyone else in this reality by far, so he already knows that when Maruki's tears come, they aren't loud. They don't make a sound.
With his back pressed against Eren's chest to rest in his arms like this, the only clues that he might be tearing up are the slightest of hitch in his breath and the short, choked breath of a laugh when he apologizes. ]
[Eren hears it, as if his ears were fine-tuned for doing so. He can't see his Other's face, and maybe that's for the best, but he wants to - needs to. He takes Maruki's head and tilts it back, watches him upside down. Eren's own expression is warm, pained.]
Takuto...
[His voice is so soft.]
It's alright.
[He takes the man's glasses and shifts them away from his eyes, tucks them up into his hair. He leans down, kisses each each damp cheek.]
[ His face is tipped back, and the tears that were threatening to fall slip up into his temples instead as his glasses are moved away.
Eren knows what a weighty gesture that alone is. Why it makes Maruki's heart catch and ache against his ribs.
He shakes his head in Eren's tender hands, another soft laugh escaping. ]
I'm not upset. I'm happy, actually– you'd live for me, so...
[ So, why does he blink another couple tears over the edge? ]
I suppose I'm just tired.
[ From what, he's not sure. The last month was stressful, but Eren made him take a break, and he was doing better– although it occurs to Maruki now that perhaps it was the break itself that he's missing. A few days of getting to eschew all responsibilities, answer to nothing and no one but one another. Something like that isn't sustainable until they have the world at their feet to make it so.
Perhaps it's just the culmination of everything. He's been here nearly a year. He'll be a year older soon. It's so strange. ]
[Eren's voice is barely more than a whisper. He releases Maruki's face, pulling the man back down against his chest again. One hand rests on the top of Maruki's head, the fingers combing through his thick hair. Eren's other arm is wrapped strongly around him, squeezing him tight as he continues to speak. His voice never gets much louder than when he started.]
You've been here so long, and you've been through so much - back in your reality too.
You've been lonely. You've lost. You have too much to love - I know...how it feels.
[ Just like that, he's held securely, soothed for pains he didn't even know how to explain himself, and isn't that the most wonderful, baffling thing of all?
Even with his Other, Maruki still isn't a big crier. A few more silent tears make tracks down his cheeks as he huddles back against Eren and listens, nodding along. It's all true, and it's all so simple. Just the facts of not only his life, but life here for everyone. Not something he'd ever consider worth letting himself get upset over, not when so many people need him to be stronger than that.
Eren doesn't, though. Or, when he does need him, it isn't in the same way. Maruki is allowed to be weak even when he's the one supporting Eren. It's unique to them...
He breathes deep, tries to match the rhythm of it to Eren's chest rising and falling against his back. ]
You do. You get it. Thank you...
[ He's quiet for a bit longer, rolling that around in his head. ]
Having too much to love is such a painful gift, isn't it? I'm grateful, though.
[Only Maruki understands the type of love that he and Eren carry for others. The truth is, it's a terrible burden. It eats away at them, starting from the inside, as if a poison pill is swallowed every time they meet someone who gets their hearts' attention.
[It's Hell - to be an altruist, or a failed altruist, or an egoist that wishes he were an altruist...
[It's Hell to want so much, to have so little, to lose it all, again and again and again; Eren envelopes Maruki, arms and legs...]
The way I love you doesn't hurt.
[He'll understand, won't he? He will, of course. He always does.]
[ Eren has told him before that he thinks Maruki is the only one he knows how to love right, and he isn't sure if that still holds water now that he better understands the happiness that he shares, but– perhaps this is another way of saying the same thing. The way Eren loves him doesn't hurt. The way they love each other doesn't hurt.
He's enveloped, and he sinks down into it, going boneless in that protective hold. ]
It's the only thing that doesn't hurt.
[ He turns his face up to look at Eren, eyes dry once more – that sort of release never lasts long for him – and warm, wondrous. ]
Let's stay here for a while. Just tell me about your day.
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no subject
It's better.
Maruki tips his cheek down into Eren's hand, rests heavily against it, eyes fixed forward on the mess of cushions and blankets and pillows that is the loft of the windmill. The true weight of those words settles over both of them slowly, and it's such a beautiful thing, so sacred between just the two of them – Eren would stay alive for him. For no one else but him. When everything else is gone but the two of them, Eren will still have a reason to live...
His throat feels tight, heat rising up the back of it. ]
I realize that now. It's... [ He turns his cheek ever so slightly to brush his nose against Eren's palm, then a kiss. With anyone else, he'd force himself to find the words, but with his Other– ] I don't know what to say.
[ And that's okay.
A bit of dampness catches on his lashes. Eren has seen him cry more than anyone else in this reality by far, so he already knows that when Maruki's tears come, they aren't loud. They don't make a sound.
With his back pressed against Eren's chest to rest in his arms like this, the only clues that he might be tearing up are the slightest of hitch in his breath and the short, choked breath of a laugh when he apologizes. ]
Sorry...
no subject
Takuto...
[His voice is so soft.]
It's alright.
[He takes the man's glasses and shifts them away from his eyes, tucks them up into his hair. He leans down, kisses each each damp cheek.]
It's just me. If you want to cry...just cry...
no subject
Eren knows what a weighty gesture that alone is. Why it makes Maruki's heart catch and ache against his ribs.
He shakes his head in Eren's tender hands, another soft laugh escaping. ]
I'm not upset. I'm happy, actually– you'd live for me, so...
[ So, why does he blink another couple tears over the edge? ]
I suppose I'm just tired.
[ From what, he's not sure. The last month was stressful, but Eren made him take a break, and he was doing better– although it occurs to Maruki now that perhaps it was the break itself that he's missing. A few days of getting to eschew all responsibilities, answer to nothing and no one but one another. Something like that isn't sustainable until they have the world at their feet to make it so.
Perhaps it's just the culmination of everything. He's been here nearly a year. He'll be a year older soon. It's so strange. ]
no subject
[Eren's voice is barely more than a whisper. He releases Maruki's face, pulling the man back down against his chest again. One hand rests on the top of Maruki's head, the fingers combing through his thick hair. Eren's other arm is wrapped strongly around him, squeezing him tight as he continues to speak. His voice never gets much louder than when he started.]
You've been here so long, and you've been through so much - back in your reality too.
You've been lonely. You've lost. You have too much to love - I know...how it feels.
I know...
no subject
Even with his Other, Maruki still isn't a big crier. A few more silent tears make tracks down his cheeks as he huddles back against Eren and listens, nodding along. It's all true, and it's all so simple. Just the facts of not only his life, but life here for everyone. Not something he'd ever consider worth letting himself get upset over, not when so many people need him to be stronger than that.
Eren doesn't, though. Or, when he does need him, it isn't in the same way. Maruki is allowed to be weak even when he's the one supporting Eren. It's unique to them...
He breathes deep, tries to match the rhythm of it to Eren's chest rising and falling against his back. ]
You do. You get it. Thank you...
[ He's quiet for a bit longer, rolling that around in his head. ]
Having too much to love is such a painful gift, isn't it? I'm grateful, though.
[ More grateful than ever. ]
no subject
[It's Hell - to be an altruist, or a failed altruist, or an egoist that wishes he were an altruist...
[It's Hell to want so much, to have so little, to lose it all, again and again and again; Eren envelopes Maruki, arms and legs...]
The way I love you doesn't hurt.
[He'll understand, won't he? He will, of course. He always does.]
It's such a relief...
hehe do you wanna wrap.... yowls in pain
He's enveloped, and he sinks down into it, going boneless in that protective hold. ]
It's the only thing that doesn't hurt.
[ He turns his face up to look at Eren, eyes dry once more – that sort of release never lasts long for him – and warm, wondrous. ]
Let's stay here for a while. Just tell me about your day.