[ Maruki knows Eren isn't angry with him – doubts he ever could be – knows the sound of sheer panic in his voice as well as any other emotion.
It stings anyway. The snap of a rubber band against his wrist, a scolding. A deserved one.
His phone buzzes. He picks it up to look at the list, doesn't really comprehend it, guilt clouding over his vision.
But he looks back to Eren anyway and nods, stalwart despite his eyes looking like they belong on a kicked dog. ]
I understand. I will. I'm sorry.
[ What he told Eren in their snowed-in overhang during the blizzard still remains true. It doesn't have to be him. Maruki doesn't want it to be him. But in that moment, it could have been...
If it had been, they never would have made it to the crystal alcove. They never would have made it here.
No. They weren't ready to leave then. He did the right thing, unknowingly, unwittingly, as much as it hurts now. To leave this reality before learning the truth of their souls would have been an incalculable loss. ]
[It's always difficult to hear Maruki say, "I'm sorry." He only does so - with Eren, at least - when he truly means it, but Eren never wants him to feel it. He can truly do no wrong in his other's eyes, but...
[Eren leans back against his hands again, swallowing something down in his throat. He forces himself to breathe, closing his eyes. His jaw feels tight, so he shifts it around. Suddenly, he can't think...]
If I had that power again, maybe I could-- But...then, I'd have to...
[He's not making any sense. His head pounds.]
The only people here I can affect are other Eldians. [Maruki must understand.] Time, though...their realities...
While they're here, then...that would be the only way...
[ He does scoot closer then, strokes his thumb over the bow of Eren's lips for a moment before moving his hand up to its intended target – right against his temple, rubbing a gentle circle. Eren's mind is a maddening place on a good day, to say nothing of now with what Maruki just dropped on him. He wishes he could better soothe it, but this will have to do. ]
[Maruki has more time to fear than Eren does. If it happened tomorrow, he'd return only to his death, and so, only to that next place, where he's already determined that he'd find Maruki right away; their empty world.
[There are others he'd miss. He grieves them now, even as they stand before him, but it causes Eren no hesitation. He wants what he wants; finality, rest, that promise of home that he thought he'd never find again.
[More than anything, he wants this battle to end. Please, God, just let it end. Anything to stop fighting. Anything to not have to anymore.]
You'll beat yourself up for this. I know you will.
[Eren shifts where he's sitting, taking the weight off of his left arm and pulling his knees up instead. He quite boldly grabs Maruki and yanks him in between his legs, putting two hands on his shoulders. They grip and massage. He inclines his head until they're eye to eye.]
I know I can't stop you. You're hopeless. [His voice doesn't sound lighthearted, but Maruki ought to know that this is his version.]
In that case, you have to tell me when it starts to eat at you. When you can't stand it anymore.
We'll plan instead. We'll find the solution. That's always been the case.
[ Maruki squawks a little when he's pulled in, positioned for a shoulder rub he wasn't expecting– but the stiff surprise only lasts a second, and then his body melts into the touch. His shoulders are as bad as his back, and he's always tense...
He exhales, low and slow, and nods to Eren before closing his eyes. ]
I promise that I'll tell you when it does.
[ Not if. And Eren truly is the only person who could get a promise like that out of Maruki. ]
That's– hah, that's nice, you really don't have to do this, I should be the one looking after you now, after all that...
It's the first time Eren has called him Takuto since he said he could.
He can't think about what Eren's going to tell him. He can't think about anything. All he can do is hear it repeating in his head, round and round: Takuto, in the safest voice he knows. ]
I–
[ He can't guess. He can't do anything.
The grip on his shoulders is firm, but Maruki tries to sink into him anyway. ]
[ Maruki's eyes remain closed, but his smile widens considerably. ]
I know that now. It does make things feel less lonely, in retrospect.
[ He should have known, really. That dream they shared so early on– when he first saw this older version of Eren, who wanted him to live a long life... ]
I'm sorry that I woke you, though. Do you want to go back to sleep?
[Eren thinks of that dream often. He wonders if Maruki does too. He wonders if he's realized yet, as Eren has, that it wasn't only a dream. Eren, as he is now, must have searched for him, must have found him, somehow. He's certain of it now.]
Eh...
[Eren scratches a bit at the back of his head, then elects to take his hair out and tie it back up.]
[ Maruki's had the same thought. Neither of them knew it consciously at the time, but that's the power of the subconscious and the collective unconscious, isn't it? Eren found him...
He smooths the stray hairs that fall over Eren's forehead away from his face. ]
We could go take some photos, if you'd like.
AS PER USUAL we can move toward a WRAP if you wanna (look at us go)
[ Which he flops over sideways in their little blanket nest to grab from where it's shoved up against a support beam. From there, he attempts to roll backwards and sit up at the same time, and winds up flailing and squawking like an idiot for a good ten seconds before managing it.
Breathless from the sudden fight against his own body, he pops up to face Eren again, farther away now, and grins. ]
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It stings anyway. The snap of a rubber band against his wrist, a scolding. A deserved one.
His phone buzzes. He picks it up to look at the list, doesn't really comprehend it, guilt clouding over his vision.
But he looks back to Eren anyway and nods, stalwart despite his eyes looking like they belong on a kicked dog. ]
I understand. I will. I'm sorry.
[ What he told Eren in their snowed-in overhang during the blizzard still remains true. It doesn't have to be him. Maruki doesn't want it to be him. But in that moment, it could have been...
If it had been, they never would have made it to the crystal alcove. They never would have made it here.
No. They weren't ready to leave then. He did the right thing, unknowingly, unwittingly, as much as it hurts now. To leave this reality before learning the truth of their souls would have been an incalculable loss. ]
SOBS OH NO
[Eren leans back against his hands again, swallowing something down in his throat. He forces himself to breathe, closing his eyes. His jaw feels tight, so he shifts it around. Suddenly, he can't think...]
If I had that power again, maybe I could-- But...then, I'd have to...
[He's not making any sense. His head pounds.]
The only people here I can affect are other Eldians. [Maruki must understand.] Time, though...their realities...
While they're here, then...that would be the only way...
KICKED!! GUILTY!!! MUKI DE POCHI!!!!!!!
He leans forward as Eren leans back, reaches up to rest a hand against Eren's cheek. Waits to see if it's pushed away. ]
Breathe. Please.
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[He feels a sickening, terrible dread. The idea of holding that power again is more terrifying than anything, more heavy.
[He doesn't want to hurt them. He doesn't want to have to.
[He breathes. He breathes until it becomes easy, and then he turns his head, kissing Maruki's palm.]
Come here...
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[He allows this to pass. It takes several minutes. Neither of them have ever minded that.
[Eventually, he speaks, eyes still closed, thumb stroking where it rests over Maruki's hand.]
It will happen eventually. [Eren has missed plenty of opportunities in his time.]
That, or we'll find another way.
I'm not angry. [Not with Maruki.]
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[ And he does. He'll be angry enough with himself for both of them.
While his thumb rubs at Eren's temple, his fingers scratch gently into his hair, the motion slow. ]
It will happen. Eventually.
[ If it happened tomorrow–
He would go. Of course he would.
Another day, week, month, year, more. There will never be enough time with the people he loves. That's an inevitability. ]
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[There are others he'd miss. He grieves them now, even as they stand before him, but it causes Eren no hesitation. He wants what he wants; finality, rest, that promise of home that he thought he'd never find again.
[More than anything, he wants this battle to end. Please, God, just let it end. Anything to stop fighting. Anything to not have to anymore.]
You'll beat yourself up for this. I know you will.
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He smiles at Eren, soft and subdued but entirely genuine. ]
Maybe. You can't stop me. [ A beat, and then more seriously: ] I don't like messing up. Especially when it comes to you.
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I know I can't stop you. You're hopeless. [His voice doesn't sound lighthearted, but Maruki ought to know that this is his version.]
In that case, you have to tell me when it starts to eat at you. When you can't stand it anymore.
We'll plan instead. We'll find the solution. That's always been the case.
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He exhales, low and slow, and nods to Eren before closing his eyes. ]
I promise that I'll tell you when it does.
[ Not if. And Eren truly is the only person who could get a promise like that out of Maruki. ]
That's– hah, that's nice, you really don't have to do this, I should be the one looking after you now, after all that...
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[Quiet. Firm. That grip on his shoulders steadies.]
Think about that for a second. Guess what I'm going to tell you.
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It's the first time Eren has called him Takuto since he said he could.
He can't think about what Eren's going to tell him. He can't think about anything. All he can do is hear it repeating in his head, round and round: Takuto, in the safest voice he knows. ]
I–
[ He can't guess. He can't do anything.
The grip on his shoulders is firm, but Maruki tries to sink into him anyway. ]
You... just tell me.
[ Oh, he's stunned. Visibly, audibly stunned. ]
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[He takes his other's face in his hands.]
We look after each other. Because you're mine. And I'm yours.
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I'm yours. You're mine. You're right...
[ His eyes slip shut. ]
I didn't forget. Sorry. I never will. But it helps to hear.
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[Eren's hands slip from Maruki's cheeks to rest back on his shoulders again.]
Even when you thought I was only your patient, I was always looking out for you.
Even if you felt like you were alone, at the time, you weren't.
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I know that now. It does make things feel less lonely, in retrospect.
[ He should have known, really. That dream they shared so early on– when he first saw this older version of Eren, who wanted him to live a long life... ]
I'm sorry that I woke you, though. Do you want to go back to sleep?
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Eh...
[Eren scratches a bit at the back of his head, then elects to take his hair out and tie it back up.]
No...
Let's do something else.
oh the girls are delulu AS PER USUAL
He smooths the stray hairs that fall over Eren's forehead away from his face. ]
We could go take some photos, if you'd like.
AS PER USUAL we can move toward a WRAP if you wanna (look at us go)
[He nods.]
You already have your camera, right?
LOOK!! AT US!!! GO!!!!
[ Which he flops over sideways in their little blanket nest to grab from where it's shoved up against a support beam. From there, he attempts to roll backwards and sit up at the same time, and winds up flailing and squawking like an idiot for a good ten seconds before managing it.
Breathless from the sudden fight against his own body, he pops up to face Eren again, farther away now, and grins. ]
Let's go!