[It is pathetic. He knows it is. It isn't a display, though. He's simply at a loss. All of the emotions that raged inside of Eren before still do now, just numbed, easier to control. He stands up when Levi asks. He can't give him the response he's looking for, though. He doesn't know what that is.
[Would it have been better not to come at all? Eren didn't have anything to say. He needed to make himself known and accept whatever consequence that brought.
[No one could blame Levi for thinking that Eren's intentions are ill, but they aren't.]
The almost empty answer catches him in a crux of complex feelings once again. Little had ever been simple about Eren's existence in his life. It seems that nothing ever will be, now.
For a reason without much purpose, Levi feels confused and off guard, yet not even so very far beneath the surface understands perhaps better than most. Despite the unforgivable thing that he's done, Eren still sought him out...perhaps for what he assumes to be the last time, perhaps knowing he could be met with scorn and rejection and the power of Levi's fury. Given what they've become, transcending captain and subordinate, it seems to almost particularly twist them together even more.
He understands. But it's not enough to overcome everything else. Not now.
Levi just looks at him, expression hard and unchanging, but there's an old, bottomless ache in his eyes, and a question he's never been able to understand:
"Couldn't you have just not trampled the whole fucking world?"
[Eren stares at Levi for a long time. The changes in his expression are microscopic - a tightening of the lips, and a pulse in his throat when he clenches his jaw.
[There's no way to answer that question. It could never satisfy them. They could never understand. Eren can't blame them for that.
[The answer is "no". There was no other scenario in which Eren did not destroy eighty percent of humanity. A thousand lifetimes and a thousand more timelines, and Eren never could bring about another result.
[As soon as he held that power, there was nothing more that could be done.
[What's more, he wanted to.
[But there's no use in saying so. What's done is done. He doesn't expect to be forgiven. It's time to walk away.]
I'll leave now. I won't interfere beyond this.
[Let that be that. He does turn to go. His words are true. He has no intention of making himself an unwanted presence in Levi's life. Levi is content here. Let him be.
No, he'll never understand. It isn't just because he hasn't lived it, those missing four years, that last struggle - it's because to Levi, it's a simple fucking decision. There's no justification for it and never would be, no reason that could ever convince him that such horrific loss of life on that scale is necessary. Sometimes people died because shitty things happen beyond their control, and other times there's definite, definitive sources of blame, decisions that led them there, that people made knowingly.
He doesn't understand the fucked up circumstances, but even if someone could explain it to him, Levi still doesn't believe in this sort of "inevitability" when there had been a choice no to.
The subtle shifts in Eren's expression don't go unnoticed, but when he still gives him nothing and starts to leave, that anger flares to life all over again.
The flash of gray eyes is all the warning he gives before he strikes out with his foot again, kicking Eren's shin out from under him and driving his knee into his chest when he buckles, feeling ribs crack.
"I didn't fucking say you could go," he hisses, looming darkly. "Why the fuck did you do it, Eren? What did you think it would accomplish? Could your puny brain not wrap itself around anything else?" No answer would absolve him, but Levi wants to hear it anyway. Another kick and a heel planted to one shoulder pushes Eren onto his back, holds him down as Levi leans down to glare menacingly. There's nothing but rage and pain in his chest now as he stares into a face older and so changed than he last knew. Bring him back, part of him wants to scream, mourning.
Instead he just waits, tense with fury, fists clenched so hard his hands ache, to see if Eren will just deny him again.
[This is beginning to feel like a waste of time for both of them.
[It's gotten easy to slip into the familiar safety of a cold disposition. Levi sends Eren to the ground and pins him down. Aside from some initial surprise - perhaps a grunt or two of effort - Eren doesn't react. He stares up at Levi with two hollow pits as eyes.
[There's what he deserves, and then there's what his pride will tolerate. He won't cower away from Levi as if he were still a child. He's a different kind of coward these days.]
No answer I could give you would satisfy. We both know that.
[Those cracked ribs are already binding themselves back together. It's uncomfortable.]
It's like I told you. When you're finished, we'll part ways. [No, actually. His ribs are ripping themselves back apart--]
Levi stares back. For a long moment, he can't even speak, despair and anger and grief a violent vortex.
Let go.
He doesn't know how.
But he can't hold on like this, either.
How do you reconcile love with this?
It feels as though his own ribs are breaking open.
After a time that both feels like minutes and only seconds, Levi silently shifts back, stepping away.
But with a fierce grunt of anger, more blows follow. He thinks of Hange, of Petra and Oluo and Eld and Gunther, of Erwin returning without an arm, of those moments on the rooftop, of Nifa, of Moblit, and so many others. Maybe Eren hadn't been directly responsible for all of them, but for most, it was close enough. They had sacrificed their lives believing he was their hope, and for what?
In truth it doesn't last long. A couple of vicious kicks, further breaking ribs and puncturing organs; Levi grabs a fistful of hair and delivers a swift punch to Eren's face, perhaps fracturing part of his skull or even destroying an eye. On the last blow, there's an audible crack as the bones in his bare foot splinter. The last glare he gives Eren, it's difficult to say how much of his grimace is from the physical pain, or from disgust.
Finally finished and trembling, he turns, wordlessly, and limps back toward the door of his cottage, leaving Eren to heal his wounds in the garden.
cw: gore, eye trauma (ohhh you gave me food to cook with)(also just a lil wrap here)
[He must look just like a corpse, lying in the garden in a steaming heap. He looks like the undead when he pushes himself up, teeth bared and gritting, an eye hanging from its socket. Eren carelessly does away with it.
[To say that Levi's reaction was unexpected wouldn't exactly be true. Eren understood that there would be consequences. Damaging a few organs and breaking a repairable nose can't begin to come close to what Eren's done to Levi. He can't fault him for it. He doesn't.
[No anger. No wrath.
[Emptiness, clawing; grief, overwhelming. It wasn't foolish hope that led him here, nor was it duty. It was a scene in a cottage where two soldiers embraced. Eren would have called Levi his family to anyone that asked. Whether you are robbed of something or sell it yourself, does it not create an absence? Eren doesn't expect forgiveness.
[He doesn't expect anything.
[It's a unique Hell to grieve the living. That's a balanced punishment too, Eren thinks.]
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no subject
[Would it have been better not to come at all? Eren didn't have anything to say. He needed to make himself known and accept whatever consequence that brought.
[No one could blame Levi for thinking that Eren's intentions are ill, but they aren't.]
I wanted to see you.
That's all.
no subject
For a reason without much purpose, Levi feels confused and off guard, yet not even so very far beneath the surface understands perhaps better than most. Despite the unforgivable thing that he's done, Eren still sought him out...perhaps for what he assumes to be the last time, perhaps knowing he could be met with scorn and rejection and the power of Levi's fury. Given what they've become, transcending captain and subordinate, it seems to almost particularly twist them together even more.
He understands. But it's not enough to overcome everything else. Not now.
Levi just looks at him, expression hard and unchanging, but there's an old, bottomless ache in his eyes, and a question he's never been able to understand:
"Couldn't you have just not trampled the whole fucking world?"
no subject
[There's no way to answer that question. It could never satisfy them. They could never understand. Eren can't blame them for that.
[The answer is "no". There was no other scenario in which Eren did not destroy eighty percent of humanity. A thousand lifetimes and a thousand more timelines, and Eren never could bring about another result.
[As soon as he held that power, there was nothing more that could be done.
[What's more, he wanted to.
[But there's no use in saying so. What's done is done. He doesn't expect to be forgiven. It's time to walk away.]
I'll leave now. I won't interfere beyond this.
[Let that be that. He does turn to go. His words are true. He has no intention of making himself an unwanted presence in Levi's life. Levi is content here. Let him be.
[Eren's lost the right to cherishing their time.]
no subject
He doesn't understand the fucked up circumstances, but even if someone could explain it to him, Levi still doesn't believe in this sort of "inevitability" when there had been a choice no to.
The subtle shifts in Eren's expression don't go unnoticed, but when he still gives him nothing and starts to leave, that anger flares to life all over again.
The flash of gray eyes is all the warning he gives before he strikes out with his foot again, kicking Eren's shin out from under him and driving his knee into his chest when he buckles, feeling ribs crack.
"I didn't fucking say you could go," he hisses, looming darkly. "Why the fuck did you do it, Eren? What did you think it would accomplish? Could your puny brain not wrap itself around anything else?" No answer would absolve him, but Levi wants to hear it anyway. Another kick and a heel planted to one shoulder pushes Eren onto his back, holds him down as Levi leans down to glare menacingly. There's nothing but rage and pain in his chest now as he stares into a face older and so changed than he last knew. Bring him back, part of him wants to scream, mourning.
Instead he just waits, tense with fury, fists clenched so hard his hands ache, to see if Eren will just deny him again.
no subject
[It's gotten easy to slip into the familiar safety of a cold disposition. Levi sends Eren to the ground and pins him down. Aside from some initial surprise - perhaps a grunt or two of effort - Eren doesn't react. He stares up at Levi with two hollow pits as eyes.
[There's what he deserves, and then there's what his pride will tolerate. He won't cower away from Levi as if he were still a child. He's a different kind of coward these days.]
No answer I could give you would satisfy. We both know that.
[Those cracked ribs are already binding themselves back together. It's uncomfortable.]
It's like I told you. When you're finished, we'll part ways. [No, actually. His ribs are ripping themselves back apart--]
You'll be free of me, so let go.
no subject
Let go.
He doesn't know how.
But he can't hold on like this, either.
How do you reconcile love with this?
It feels as though his own ribs are breaking open.
After a time that both feels like minutes and only seconds, Levi silently shifts back, stepping away.
But with a fierce grunt of anger, more blows follow. He thinks of Hange, of Petra and Oluo and Eld and Gunther, of Erwin returning without an arm, of those moments on the rooftop, of Nifa, of Moblit, and so many others. Maybe Eren hadn't been directly responsible for all of them, but for most, it was close enough. They had sacrificed their lives believing he was their hope, and for what?
In truth it doesn't last long. A couple of vicious kicks, further breaking ribs and puncturing organs; Levi grabs a fistful of hair and delivers a swift punch to Eren's face, perhaps fracturing part of his skull or even destroying an eye. On the last blow, there's an audible crack as the bones in his bare foot splinter. The last glare he gives Eren, it's difficult to say how much of his grimace is from the physical pain, or from disgust.
Finally finished and trembling, he turns, wordlessly, and limps back toward the door of his cottage, leaving Eren to heal his wounds in the garden.
cw: gore, eye trauma (ohhh you gave me food to cook with)(also just a lil wrap here)
[To say that Levi's reaction was unexpected wouldn't exactly be true. Eren understood that there would be consequences. Damaging a few organs and breaking a repairable nose can't begin to come close to what Eren's done to Levi. He can't fault him for it. He doesn't.
[No anger. No wrath.
[Emptiness, clawing; grief, overwhelming. It wasn't foolish hope that led him here, nor was it duty. It was a scene in a cottage where two soldiers embraced. Eren would have called Levi his family to anyone that asked. Whether you are robbed of something or sell it yourself, does it not create an absence? Eren doesn't expect forgiveness.
[He doesn't expect anything.
[It's a unique Hell to grieve the living. That's a balanced punishment too, Eren thinks.]