[ Eren goes quiet, still, relaxed, and it's a personal victory for Maruki. He lets Eren bury into his chest, cards soothing fingers through his hair, careful not to tangle this time.
His voice is softer after a long spell of silence between them. ]
I could never hate you, no matter what you do. In any reality. I hope you believe that.
[Eren's already started falling asleep. Maruki's words cut through a half-dreaming haze. Eren thinks, at first, that they must not be real.
[No, that's Maruki's voice. He's still awake.
[And they're heavy words. Eren feels his throat go tight.
[He deserves every ounce of hatred that he receives. He knows this.
[He still wants to be loved. Who doesn't want to be loved? Better yet if someone could love him without also hating him. He thinks they all do, even if it's just a little bit. Loving Eren is a terrible thing.
[He knows this.
[But Maruki has never made him feel that way. "I could never hate you," and Eren doesn't deserve it, but he believes it. It's so much. One person whom he can trust above all others...
[ It's simply the truth. Maruki doesn't remember sharing Eren's reality with him, but he's heard about it, and he knows himself. He knows that even that version of himself, who would have had every reason to hate Eren for lying to him, for ensuring his death – even he wouldn't have. They said goodbye at The Paths. How could Maruki ever hate someone who loved him enough to remember him, and to say goodbye?
He sifts through Eren's hair, cornsilk soft. ]
It's hard, isn't it? Even if you think you deserve it, it's still hard.
[Somehow, Maruki knows. Somehow, Maruki understands. Of course he does.
[Eren feels himself breathe - sudden, as if he hadn't been. Maruki and he's entire relationship is based on Eren telling the truth about how he feels, but that has gotten hard too. He manages to nod his head. That's all.]
[They do. Eren knows they do. That makes it worse, maybe. Or maybe it would be worse if they only hated them, if they didn't love him at all. There's no right answer. It hurts to be loved by them, it hurts to be hated by them, it hurts not to have them now, and it would have hurt not to have had them at all.
[It isn't just Eren's mind that's a mess. His heart is a miserable tangle of rage and passion, and it isn't just funneled into hatred. He loves violently. It's miserable.
[He hated being alone, but it's how things should be. It's better for everyone that way.
[He knows.
[He clings more tightly to Maruki. It wasn't better for him...
[He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He couldn't find the words if he tried. He feels like if he opens his mouth he'll vomit.
[So, he just holds on. Eventually, sleep will find them, like it has every other night together. He'll forever be chasing the rest he needs.]
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His voice is softer after a long spell of silence between them. ]
I could never hate you, no matter what you do. In any reality. I hope you believe that.
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[No, that's Maruki's voice. He's still awake.
[And they're heavy words. Eren feels his throat go tight.
[He deserves every ounce of hatred that he receives. He knows this.
[He still wants to be loved. Who doesn't want to be loved? Better yet if someone could love him without also hating him. He thinks they all do, even if it's just a little bit. Loving Eren is a terrible thing.
[He knows this.
[But Maruki has never made him feel that way. "I could never hate you," and Eren doesn't deserve it, but he believes it. It's so much. One person whom he can trust above all others...
[His voice comes out quiet, hoarse.]
I know...
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He sifts through Eren's hair, cornsilk soft. ]
It's hard, isn't it? Even if you think you deserve it, it's still hard.
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[Eren feels himself breathe - sudden, as if he hadn't been. Maruki and he's entire relationship is based on Eren telling the truth about how he feels, but that has gotten hard too. He manages to nod his head. That's all.]
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He cradles Eren's head, safe in the dark of this room if nowhere else. ]
Just breathe. You don't have to talk about it. I just wanted you to know.
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I know. They love you, too.
WE CAN SNACK WRAP UNLESS U HAVE MORE
[It isn't just Eren's mind that's a mess. His heart is a miserable tangle of rage and passion, and it isn't just funneled into hatred. He loves violently. It's miserable.
[He hated being alone, but it's how things should be. It's better for everyone that way.
[He knows.
[He clings more tightly to Maruki. It wasn't better for him...
[He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He couldn't find the words if he tried. He feels like if he opens his mouth he'll vomit.
[So, he just holds on. Eventually, sleep will find them, like it has every other night together. He'll forever be chasing the rest he needs.]