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[He worries over that hesitation. He thinks, maybe, Maruki is about to tell him that doing so was the most horrible thing he could have done.]
Yes. I felt it.
Yes. I felt it.
I know you did.
[ It's a gentle, reassuring thing. Maruki has never invalidated anything Eren feels, and this certainly won't be the time he breaks that sacred habit.
He leans back heavier against Eren, curls himself more into that strong hold. ]
I could never make myself do it, though. I figured you resented that, and it's okay if you did. I just– I couldn't. [ It felt like tempting fate, knowing that Eren would eventually leave to live out his future and die. ] I don't know. I suppose I sort of hung onto that...
[ It's a gentle, reassuring thing. Maruki has never invalidated anything Eren feels, and this certainly won't be the time he breaks that sacred habit.
He leans back heavier against Eren, curls himself more into that strong hold. ]
I could never make myself do it, though. I figured you resented that, and it's okay if you did. I just– I couldn't. [ It felt like tempting fate, knowing that Eren would eventually leave to live out his future and die. ] I don't know. I suppose I sort of hung onto that...
It makes sense, though.
[His voice is quiet. He rests his cheek atop Maruki's head.]
I didn't feel the same with you as I felt with anyone else. If any part of me was still alive, it was the part you saw...
[His voice is quiet. He rests his cheek atop Maruki's head.]
I didn't feel the same with you as I felt with anyone else. If any part of me was still alive, it was the part you saw...
[ It's true, isn't it? Even when Eren was completely hollowed out, dead eyed and miserable in those days after Mikasa, Maruki was the one who could elicit any emotion from him, even if it was grief.
He runs his fingers up and down one of Eren's forearms, feels himself smiling despite the subject matter. ]
I think I'm beginning to cling a bit too tightly to everyone here. They're all dead or about to die, so...
[ He feels so, so intensely lonely these days, no matter how close he tries to keep to them. ]
Anyway... I guess it helped to hear you say that in at least one situation, you would rather live.
He runs his fingers up and down one of Eren's forearms, feels himself smiling despite the subject matter. ]
I think I'm beginning to cling a bit too tightly to everyone here. They're all dead or about to die, so...
[ He feels so, so intensely lonely these days, no matter how close he tries to keep to them. ]
Anyway... I guess it helped to hear you say that in at least one situation, you would rather live.
[Eren feels like he only wakes up once the cue balls are blown apart. His heart thuds too heavily, watching Akechi through waves of wobbling heat. He lowers himself down without breaking eye contact, spacing his hips in just the way Akechi had shown him, though they miss the pressure from his fingers. He searches for a target - his, not Akechi's. He shoots - gets close, but it bounces off of the corner pocket without going in.]
[This reality is built on a unique, terrible strain of grief. The dead walk amongst the living, everyone's future a prophecy just waiting to be revealed. Maruki has been placed in the position of having to grieve the people he's surrounded by each and every day - people he loves, people he doesn't want to die...
[Of course, he'd want Eren more than any of them. He realizes - perhaps, for the first time - how painful it must have been for Maruki to have to hear him talk that way...
[His palm tenderly cups his Other's cheek. He almost wishes Maruki would cry. It seems like the sort of thing that ought to make someone cry.]
When I say I'd do anything for you, you must realize what that means, right?
I would live...only because I know you'd want me to.
[It may not be what Maruki wants to hear - it isn't pretty, like saying he wants to live because he sees the purpose now, feels the joy. Those things still aren't true, but the fact that he'd go as far as to preserve his own life for the sake of someone else is...completely antithetical to anything he's ever done. Even he doesn't quite realize the gravity of what he's just said.]
[Of course, he'd want Eren more than any of them. He realizes - perhaps, for the first time - how painful it must have been for Maruki to have to hear him talk that way...
[His palm tenderly cups his Other's cheek. He almost wishes Maruki would cry. It seems like the sort of thing that ought to make someone cry.]
When I say I'd do anything for you, you must realize what that means, right?
I would live...only because I know you'd want me to.
[It may not be what Maruki wants to hear - it isn't pretty, like saying he wants to live because he sees the purpose now, feels the joy. Those things still aren't true, but the fact that he'd go as far as to preserve his own life for the sake of someone else is...completely antithetical to anything he's ever done. Even he doesn't quite realize the gravity of what he's just said.]
[ It's not what he first wanted to hear when he arrived here, no–
It's better.
Maruki tips his cheek down into Eren's hand, rests heavily against it, eyes fixed forward on the mess of cushions and blankets and pillows that is the loft of the windmill. The true weight of those words settles over both of them slowly, and it's such a beautiful thing, so sacred between just the two of them – Eren would stay alive for him. For no one else but him. When everything else is gone but the two of them, Eren will still have a reason to live...
His throat feels tight, heat rising up the back of it. ]
I realize that now. It's... [ He turns his cheek ever so slightly to brush his nose against Eren's palm, then a kiss. With anyone else, he'd force himself to find the words, but with his Other– ] I don't know what to say.
[ And that's okay.
A bit of dampness catches on his lashes. Eren has seen him cry more than anyone else in this reality by far, so he already knows that when Maruki's tears come, they aren't loud. They don't make a sound.
With his back pressed against Eren's chest to rest in his arms like this, the only clues that he might be tearing up are the slightest of hitch in his breath and the short, choked breath of a laugh when he apologizes. ]
Sorry...
It's better.
Maruki tips his cheek down into Eren's hand, rests heavily against it, eyes fixed forward on the mess of cushions and blankets and pillows that is the loft of the windmill. The true weight of those words settles over both of them slowly, and it's such a beautiful thing, so sacred between just the two of them – Eren would stay alive for him. For no one else but him. When everything else is gone but the two of them, Eren will still have a reason to live...
His throat feels tight, heat rising up the back of it. ]
I realize that now. It's... [ He turns his cheek ever so slightly to brush his nose against Eren's palm, then a kiss. With anyone else, he'd force himself to find the words, but with his Other– ] I don't know what to say.
[ And that's okay.
A bit of dampness catches on his lashes. Eren has seen him cry more than anyone else in this reality by far, so he already knows that when Maruki's tears come, they aren't loud. They don't make a sound.
With his back pressed against Eren's chest to rest in his arms like this, the only clues that he might be tearing up are the slightest of hitch in his breath and the short, choked breath of a laugh when he apologizes. ]
Sorry...
[Eren hears it, as if his ears were fine-tuned for doing so. He can't see his Other's face, and maybe that's for the best, but he wants to - needs to. He takes Maruki's head and tilts it back, watches him upside down. Eren's own expression is warm, pained.]
Takuto...
[His voice is so soft.]
It's alright.
[He takes the man's glasses and shifts them away from his eyes, tucks them up into his hair. He leans down, kisses each each damp cheek.]
It's just me. If you want to cry...just cry...
Takuto...
[His voice is so soft.]
It's alright.
[He takes the man's glasses and shifts them away from his eyes, tucks them up into his hair. He leans down, kisses each each damp cheek.]
It's just me. If you want to cry...just cry...
[ His face is tipped back, and the tears that were threatening to fall slip up into his temples instead as his glasses are moved away.
Eren knows what a weighty gesture that alone is. Why it makes Maruki's heart catch and ache against his ribs.
He shakes his head in Eren's tender hands, another soft laugh escaping. ]
I'm not upset. I'm happy, actually– you'd live for me, so...
[ So, why does he blink another couple tears over the edge? ]
I suppose I'm just tired.
[ From what, he's not sure. The last month was stressful, but Eren made him take a break, and he was doing better– although it occurs to Maruki now that perhaps it was the break itself that he's missing. A few days of getting to eschew all responsibilities, answer to nothing and no one but one another. Something like that isn't sustainable until they have the world at their feet to make it so.
Perhaps it's just the culmination of everything. He's been here nearly a year. He'll be a year older soon. It's so strange. ]
Eren knows what a weighty gesture that alone is. Why it makes Maruki's heart catch and ache against his ribs.
He shakes his head in Eren's tender hands, another soft laugh escaping. ]
I'm not upset. I'm happy, actually– you'd live for me, so...
[ So, why does he blink another couple tears over the edge? ]
I suppose I'm just tired.
[ From what, he's not sure. The last month was stressful, but Eren made him take a break, and he was doing better– although it occurs to Maruki now that perhaps it was the break itself that he's missing. A few days of getting to eschew all responsibilities, answer to nothing and no one but one another. Something like that isn't sustainable until they have the world at their feet to make it so.
Perhaps it's just the culmination of everything. He's been here nearly a year. He'll be a year older soon. It's so strange. ]
Of course you are.
[Eren's voice is barely more than a whisper. He releases Maruki's face, pulling the man back down against his chest again. One hand rests on the top of Maruki's head, the fingers combing through his thick hair. Eren's other arm is wrapped strongly around him, squeezing him tight as he continues to speak. His voice never gets much louder than when he started.]
You've been here so long, and you've been through so much - back in your reality too.
You've been lonely. You've lost. You have too much to love - I know...how it feels.
I know...
[Eren's voice is barely more than a whisper. He releases Maruki's face, pulling the man back down against his chest again. One hand rests on the top of Maruki's head, the fingers combing through his thick hair. Eren's other arm is wrapped strongly around him, squeezing him tight as he continues to speak. His voice never gets much louder than when he started.]
You've been here so long, and you've been through so much - back in your reality too.
You've been lonely. You've lost. You have too much to love - I know...how it feels.
I know...
[ Just like that, he's held securely, soothed for pains he didn't even know how to explain himself, and isn't that the most wonderful, baffling thing of all?
Even with his Other, Maruki still isn't a big crier. A few more silent tears make tracks down his cheeks as he huddles back against Eren and listens, nodding along. It's all true, and it's all so simple. Just the facts of not only his life, but life here for everyone. Not something he'd ever consider worth letting himself get upset over, not when so many people need him to be stronger than that.
Eren doesn't, though. Or, when he does need him, it isn't in the same way. Maruki is allowed to be weak even when he's the one supporting Eren. It's unique to them...
He breathes deep, tries to match the rhythm of it to Eren's chest rising and falling against his back. ]
You do. You get it. Thank you...
[ He's quiet for a bit longer, rolling that around in his head. ]
Having too much to love is such a painful gift, isn't it? I'm grateful, though.
[ More grateful than ever. ]
Even with his Other, Maruki still isn't a big crier. A few more silent tears make tracks down his cheeks as he huddles back against Eren and listens, nodding along. It's all true, and it's all so simple. Just the facts of not only his life, but life here for everyone. Not something he'd ever consider worth letting himself get upset over, not when so many people need him to be stronger than that.
Eren doesn't, though. Or, when he does need him, it isn't in the same way. Maruki is allowed to be weak even when he's the one supporting Eren. It's unique to them...
He breathes deep, tries to match the rhythm of it to Eren's chest rising and falling against his back. ]
You do. You get it. Thank you...
[ He's quiet for a bit longer, rolling that around in his head. ]
Having too much to love is such a painful gift, isn't it? I'm grateful, though.
[ More grateful than ever. ]
[Only Maruki understands the type of love that he and Eren carry for others. The truth is, it's a terrible burden. It eats away at them, starting from the inside, as if a poison pill is swallowed every time they meet someone who gets their hearts' attention.
[It's Hell - to be an altruist, or a failed altruist, or an egoist that wishes he were an altruist...
[It's Hell to want so much, to have so little, to lose it all, again and again and again; Eren envelopes Maruki, arms and legs...]
The way I love you doesn't hurt.
[He'll understand, won't he? He will, of course. He always does.]
It's such a relief...
[It's Hell - to be an altruist, or a failed altruist, or an egoist that wishes he were an altruist...
[It's Hell to want so much, to have so little, to lose it all, again and again and again; Eren envelopes Maruki, arms and legs...]
The way I love you doesn't hurt.
[He'll understand, won't he? He will, of course. He always does.]
It's such a relief...
[ Eren has told him before that he thinks Maruki is the only one he knows how to love right, and he isn't sure if that still holds water now that he better understands the happiness that he shares, but– perhaps this is another way of saying the same thing. The way Eren loves him doesn't hurt. The way they love each other doesn't hurt.
He's enveloped, and he sinks down into it, going boneless in that protective hold. ]
It's the only thing that doesn't hurt.
[ He turns his face up to look at Eren, eyes dry once more – that sort of release never lasts long for him – and warm, wondrous. ]
Let's stay here for a while. Just tell me about your day.
He's enveloped, and he sinks down into it, going boneless in that protective hold. ]
It's the only thing that doesn't hurt.
[ He turns his face up to look at Eren, eyes dry once more – that sort of release never lasts long for him – and warm, wondrous. ]
Let's stay here for a while. Just tell me about your day.
[Akechi asked and Eren obliged.
A night over isn't uncommon - it was hardly worth inquiring about given the frequency of it. The act of asking showed an intent to do something beyond the norm. Akechi didn't bring up what. Eren didn't ask.
And when the night comes and Akechi has Eren move the Featherman TV up to Eren's own room, unprompted and without explanation-
They banter for a moment. A second. Eren does what he's asked as always.
It's not worth explaining to a peasant what movies are - the four that appeared on the TV after his casual experimentation are unknown to Akechi. He glanced only at the titles for the one second allowed after he managed to get Featherman off the screen. The title plays unprompted - The adventures of Chatran. Akechi sits at the edge of the bed and-
By the time it ends, he's leaning back against the headboard, covers pulled up to his shoulders and an incredulous sort of a expression at the screen.]
Let's hope the next title is more exciting than a children's tale. Though it was somewhat nostalgic to see that one.
[He raises the little remote. The guide appears, statics out again and-
Well, the gigantic Earth looks more promising than a kitten.]
I wonder what this could be.
A night over isn't uncommon - it was hardly worth inquiring about given the frequency of it. The act of asking showed an intent to do something beyond the norm. Akechi didn't bring up what. Eren didn't ask.
And when the night comes and Akechi has Eren move the Featherman TV up to Eren's own room, unprompted and without explanation-
They banter for a moment. A second. Eren does what he's asked as always.
It's not worth explaining to a peasant what movies are - the four that appeared on the TV after his casual experimentation are unknown to Akechi. He glanced only at the titles for the one second allowed after he managed to get Featherman off the screen. The title plays unprompted - The adventures of Chatran. Akechi sits at the edge of the bed and-
By the time it ends, he's leaning back against the headboard, covers pulled up to his shoulders and an incredulous sort of a expression at the screen.]
Let's hope the next title is more exciting than a children's tale. Though it was somewhat nostalgic to see that one.
[He raises the little remote. The guide appears, statics out again and-
Well, the gigantic Earth looks more promising than a kitten.]
I wonder what this could be.
[It's been such an odd, calm, novel sort of night, that Eren really doesn't know what to do with himself. He and Akechi both seem to be enjoying themselves, or, at least by Eren's approximation. Of course, even a children's movie is impressive to someone who's never seen one before, even if the subject matter doesn't much resonate. Eren doesn't care. By the end of the film, he manages to creep closer until he's nearly lying on Akechi - "by his side," but his head is on the other man's shoulder.
[His eyes are on the screen, very genuinely focused. Maybe that's why Akechi allows it...]
That...
[Earth, either shot from space, CGI, or a mix of both. Eren wouldn't know the difference.]
That's it? The earth?
["The earth" sounds like what you call soil, but Eren only recently learned it was also the name for the planet he grew up on. He's never actually seen an image of it before...]
How could someone take a photo of it?
[His eyes are on the screen, very genuinely focused. Maybe that's why Akechi allows it...]
That...
[Earth, either shot from space, CGI, or a mix of both. Eren wouldn't know the difference.]
That's it? The earth?
["The earth" sounds like what you call soil, but Eren only recently learned it was also the name for the planet he grew up on. He's never actually seen an image of it before...]
How could someone take a photo of it?
[Akechi watches his every move - only tears his eyes away from Eren's persistent gaze to watch where the ball ends up.]
You're close. I could almost taste it.
[Not quite good enough to be a rival yet. Akechi uses his left hand anyway. Lines up a shot from a far corner to set up a future play. There's an easy pocket he could have gotten - there's no excitement in that though.
He comes back over to Eren's side - not touching, only waiting.]
I've wanted this for a long time. Someone to play this with, that is.
You're close. I could almost taste it.
[Not quite good enough to be a rival yet. Akechi uses his left hand anyway. Lines up a shot from a far corner to set up a future play. There's an easy pocket he could have gotten - there's no excitement in that though.
He comes back over to Eren's side - not touching, only waiting.]
I've wanted this for a long time. Someone to play this with, that is.
[The weight against his shoulder isn't forced off. It's allowed for however long this affair lasts -
Four movies worth, or whenever they both sleep.
As this next one starts, there's a sense of fascination in Eren's voice. One he isn't accustomed to. He doesn't hate it. Finds himself tilting his head to the side, cheek brushing against Eren's head to speak softer than the title playing in the background.]
We've managed to go to space in my reality and take photos there. Earth, other planets, stars, galaxies. Most corners of the universe unexplored still.
[His head straightens back to its original position - tries to see where they're going first in this little movie.]
It may go into it. Though right now it's - South America? It looks like the Rainforest, in any case.
Four movies worth, or whenever they both sleep.
As this next one starts, there's a sense of fascination in Eren's voice. One he isn't accustomed to. He doesn't hate it. Finds himself tilting his head to the side, cheek brushing against Eren's head to speak softer than the title playing in the background.]
We've managed to go to space in my reality and take photos there. Earth, other planets, stars, galaxies. Most corners of the universe unexplored still.
[His head straightens back to its original position - tries to see where they're going first in this little movie.]
It may go into it. Though right now it's - South America? It looks like the Rainforest, in any case.
That's right. Someone told me that before...[Eren's voice is quieter than Akechi's, lips barely moving as he mutters. His eyes are fixed on the screen. The amazon rainforest is, indeed, on screen - an aerial view that soars up, up, up.]
It's huge...
[He glances at Akechi, but only his eyes move, and it isn't enough. He still can't see his face. He looks back at the screen. The scene has changed.]
Look at that bird. [A parrot, bright and colorful.]
It doesn't look real.
It's huge...
[He glances at Akechi, but only his eyes move, and it isn't enough. He still can't see his face. He looks back at the screen. The scene has changed.]
Look at that bird. [A parrot, bright and colorful.]
It doesn't look real.
It's fascinating, isn't it? The colors, the way they look - so much in this place reflects its unique nature. Nothing in Japan compares to it.
[The parrot moves to fly with small, colorful flock - the visuals shift to waterfalls, abundant forests, predators lurking therein.]
Did you know there's an ant that exists in this place whose bite feels like a bullet wound?
[The parrot moves to fly with small, colorful flock - the visuals shift to waterfalls, abundant forests, predators lurking therein.]
Did you know there's an ant that exists in this place whose bite feels like a bullet wound?
[This is stupid. He shouldn't be bothering Eren for stuff like this. He's not sure if the guy cares about him enough for this - but he has no one else he can ask. It's not like he can bother the psych guy late at night, that seems... unprofessional? Something about personal boundaries.]
Sorry if you're not awake and this woke you up.
What do you do when you have nightmares? It's been a few days and I haven't really slept much. I tried to take care of it on my own but it's not working.
Sorry if you're not awake and this woke you up.
What do you do when you have nightmares? It's been a few days and I haven't really slept much. I tried to take care of it on my own but it's not working.
[You're close.
I've wanted this for a long time.
[Eren thinks he could be losing his mind. His heart beats in his throat, and Akechi is too close, not close enough. Eren is still bent down low, fingers wrapped tight around the base of the pool stick. He loosens his grip and readjusts.
[There's no strategy yet. Really, he has no idea what he's doing; at Akechi's mercy entirely.
[He takes another shot. It knocks into the wrong ball, sends it flying into another which gets shot into a pocket. Eren looks back over his shoulder at Akechi.]
That counts, right?
I could almost taste it.
I've wanted this for a long time.
Someone to play with.
[Eren thinks he could be losing his mind. His heart beats in his throat, and Akechi is too close, not close enough. Eren is still bent down low, fingers wrapped tight around the base of the pool stick. He loosens his grip and readjusts.
[There's no strategy yet. Really, he has no idea what he's doing; at Akechi's mercy entirely.
[He takes another shot. It knocks into the wrong ball, sends it flying into another which gets shot into a pocket. Eren looks back over his shoulder at Akechi.]
That counts, right?
[Tobias' text is a surprise, but:]
I wasn't sleeping.
[He's become conditioned to waking up at 2:00am every night.]
What have you tried so far?
[Eren is hardly the right person to help with this sort of thing. He never did figure out how to ward off bad dreams. He's not the type to toss and turn - just wake up feeling strange and sick, tears on his cheeks. At least, usually, he's not alone.]
I wasn't sleeping.
[He's become conditioned to waking up at 2:00am every night.]
What have you tried so far?
[Eren is hardly the right person to help with this sort of thing. He never did figure out how to ward off bad dreams. He's not the type to toss and turn - just wake up feeling strange and sick, tears on his cheeks. At least, usually, he's not alone.]
[ Just as they agreed, the only thing they'll do to celebrate Eren's birthday is spend the whole day together at the windmill. Maruki cooked and brought more than enough food to sustain them, and they've otherwise just spent the whole morning and afternoon talking and being close. It's all they want...
But once the sun goes down, he has to give Eren his gifts. Hopefully it's not total torture for a guy so unused to receiving them...
They sit in their nest, Maruki's satchel next to him. It doesn't look overly stuffed full, at least. ]
Please keep in mind that I really did try to hold back.
But once the sun goes down, he has to give Eren his gifts. Hopefully it's not total torture for a guy so unused to receiving them...
They sit in their nest, Maruki's satchel next to him. It doesn't look overly stuffed full, at least. ]
Please keep in mind that I really did try to hold back.
I'd really convinced myself you didn't get anything. I told you this was all I wanted...
[He really meant it too. He's never gotten any better at receiving gifts, but if he'd accept them from anyone, it's Maruki.]
[He really meant it too. He's never gotten any better at receiving gifts, but if he'd accept them from anyone, it's Maruki.]
I know. But I think you'll understand why I wanted to.
[ With no more fanfare than that, he opens up the satchel to pull out a small rectangular object wrapped in cloth. He weighs it in his hands for a moment, oddly self-conscious, then holds it out for Eren to take. ]
I followed that recipe to the letter, as best I could. I hope you like it.
[ With no more fanfare than that, he opens up the satchel to pull out a small rectangular object wrapped in cloth. He weighs it in his hands for a moment, oddly self-conscious, then holds it out for Eren to take. ]
I followed that recipe to the letter, as best I could. I hope you like it.
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