PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[abandonhumanity]

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine
and rage the likes of which you would not believe.
If I cannot satisfy the one,
I will indulge the other.

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[headhooligan]

[She huffs; it’s not too obstinate.] Stop, we just got here; you’re gonna make m—

I mean, I forgive you for it. You know that. [Sputtering a little bit, but no less genuine.] Out of anything you could change…?

[abandonhumanity]

Nothing else could have changed.

I’ve already been down that route.

It hardly matters now, anyway. We’re here. That matters more.

[Glancing away; also not too obstinate.]

And I regret it, so.

[headhooligan]

[She reaches for his hand.]

You know, about the “route”… I know you’ve said you tried to change it, and I didn’t believe you.

But Mikasa… She probably didn’t mean to, but I saw you together in her memory. When you ran away.

[Aubrey trails off. Let him process that, before she asks anything; she’s not mad. Just… curious, really.]

[abandonhumanity]

[He takes her hand, because of course he does; as long as Aubrey is reaching for him, he's reaching back.]

It wasn't a memory, really.

[He still isn't quite looking at her.]

If you want me to explain, I'll try. But I don't think it'll make much sense to you.

[headhooligan]

[And as long as Eren will let her, Aubrey will reach for him. She’ll do that even if he doesn’t—maybe especially when.]

[She clasps his hand in both of hers.] You know I’ll try to understand.

[abandonhumanity]

Yeah...[His voice trails off a bit, hesitant.

[It's a lot to rehash, and nearly impossible to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it themselves.]

Once I had access to The Founder's power, I might as well have become a God.

I existed in a space where time didn't. The future and the past all happened at once. That memory you saw was a reality I created for Mikasa, so she'd have something to remember once I was gone...

[An act of pure love.]

Armin experienced something similar - not quite the same.

[But the bigger point here:]

When I say I tried to intervene, it's the truth. I could manipulate anything in my timeline that I wanted to - and I tried. Thousands of scenarios that might have changed things.

[At this, a frown, thoughtful and pained. It's just like he told Armin.]

It never worked.

I'm an idiot. No matter what I tried, once I had the power of The Founder again, I lost control. It was too much. Nothing could have changed it. I only ended up manipulating things in my favor again.

Everything that's ever happened to me, or my comrades, or anyone - at least since my birth - that was my fault too.

[An unthinkably unbearable weight. Not entirely true, maybe - of course, there are other people to blame, other people who are complicit; but he was pulling an awful lot of strings himself.]

[headhooligan]

[It’s been such a long time since Eren talked about the Founder—about any of this, maybe, in so much detail. By now, it matters less that Aubrey might not understand the details, what this or that power means or can do…

[It matters that Eren tried. It matters that he’s admitting fault, even if it was beyond control—if he was, and maybe always has been. It matters that he said goodbye to his friends. And it matters, maybe more than anything, that he’s here, now.]

[Eren calls himself an idiot, and Aubrey squeezes his hand.]

[She’s only quiet for a moment. She cares about him so, so dearly.]

Eren… you’re 19.

[Her heart breaks for him; she tries to meet his eyes.] Even if— That’s so much....

[abandonhumanity]

[He does meet her eyes, though only briefly. He'd have looked longer, if only he hadn't seen so much sympathy. The conversation weighs so unspeakably heavy on his heart. After all, in the end, it was he himself who bestowed upon him that power. He could blame his father if he really wanted to - Grisha Jaeger isn't innocent - but it was he who manipulated him in the first place.

[Just vaguely, he remembers the fear he felt when Grisha forced him to transform, to devour his own father alive - and at only ten years old.

[That was Eren's fault too. His mother's death? Eren's fault. All of it - Eren's fault. He curses the stinging in his eyes. Why can't he just face up to the facts without melting down like some idiot kid?]

Yeah...[There's a bit of hoarseness to his voice.]

Just some dumb kid.

[headhooligan]

[Maybe it’s a good thing Eren doesn’t keep looking. At the memory, his younger self’s pleading and terror— Aubrey is terrified and enraged, and all the more heartbroken, and no sooner does he finish speaking she throws her arms around him; shaking, somewhat, with emotion that can’t go anywhere, so she pours it into love, and holds him tight.]

[Does he realize the memory was shared? Every other glimpse of Eren’s youth has been so harrowing....]

[abandonhumanity]

[He hadn't realized at first, maybe; when Aubrey throws her arms around him, shaking, it all becomes clear.

[It's a deep bitterness. This world can be beautiful, but it can also be as cruel as his own. He wraps his arms around her without a second thought, of course. It's become more natural than breathing as of late, to hold Aubrey when she asks to be held.]

I didn't mean for you to see that...

[There's a definite choke in his voice now, and he does indeed feel slow tears rolling down his cheeks.

[She must think that he's a victim. He has a hard time convincing himself of the same. Still, for as much as he loved his father, there's a deep hatred as well. And then, the grief.

[He holds her more tightly, like he might disappear if he doesn't.]

He only did that...because I told him to.

[headhooligan]

[His choked-up voice tugs at her all the more. With Eren holding her this tight, Aubrey can’t quite pull back enough to cup his face, thumb his tears; she squeezes him instead, before trying just that. Leftover fury still tugs at her face; it’s not for Eren. Not for him at all.]

So? [She’s this close to cursing out the man. Maybe she will. She tries to focus on Eren, instead.] It— it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry that got shared, but— god, who does that…?!

[abandonhumanity]

I already told you...

He had no choice.

[It's easier to think that way.]

It's what I wanted. Not at the time-- [He surprises himself by biting off a sob. He was so afraid. "I was so afraid."]

It all goes back to me. All of it.

[headhooligan]

I don’t care. I fucking hate your father.

[Damn it. Aubrey’s terrible at holding back like this. It’s the admission of fear, the bit-back sob—]

For doing that to you. [Hasty, but—] Maybe you wouldn’t have, if he— I don’t know. I don’t know.

[She tries to stare him dead in the eye.] You were a child.

[abandonhumanity]

[The admission, the sudden intensity, shocks him. He meets her eyes, and the stare shocks him even more. He feels ten years old again; Hell, he’s nearly trembling.

[He hates Grisha too, doesn’t he? Yet, he still tries to shake his head; he doesn’t quite make it.

[He doesn’t know what to say. The tears flow ever harder, his lips trembling like he really is a child. His voice comes out weak.]

I know, but…

[It had to be done. He made him.]

Because…you’re right. If he hadn’t, then I never would have…

That’s why he…had to…

[Why is he defending him? That damn coward. Why does he want him to be a victim so badly?]

It’s…awful. I know…

[”Why didn’t he resist? Why didn’t he even try?]

[headhooligan]

[Eren’s trembling lip, the childlike tears… it threatens to melt her and makes her all the more incensed. That’s loving Eren Jaeger, isn’t it? Ever the contradiction…

[Yet with that thought share, Aubrey’s damn certain how she feels about his dad.]

Eren… [She holds his face now; grabs it, more like, still too intense to be soft. But she doesn’t want him to be afraid. He shouldn’t have had to be.] You carried the weight of the world and you still tried. You resisted. You fought yourself. But you tried.

[“And he didn’t.”]

[abandonhumanity]

[She takes his face in her hands, and he feels like he could crumble - so terribly, terribly human.

[He has to look away, embarrassingly sniffling, trying to wipe his eyes around her hands. It’s so humiliating. It’s so much easier to maintain that weight on his shoulders. It can never go away - why not bear it all?]

I don’t know what else to say…

[He sounds more in pain than he did when he was half-limbless and bleeding.]

He was my father…

[headhooligan]

[And that’s just the damn thing with family, isn’t it. By any definition. Love ’em, hate ’em… they’re still there. In some way.]

[Finally, with a long breath out, Aubrey succumbs to defeat. His father’s long gone now, and Eren is here and crying and painfully human as he ever has been. She pulls at his face, gently, inviting him to drop his head on her.]

[He doesn’t have to say anything.

[He shouldn’t have to carry it alone.]

[abandonhumanity]

[Even for all of the people that love Eren, he's had to carry so very, very much alone. He rests his head on Aubrey's shoulder. It isn't the first time. Just like before, it's an odd comfort. He's too tall, and too jaded, and she holds him with the same tenderness his mother would anyway.

[The grief compounds.

[He'd played the part well enough during his time with Zeke; the battered orphan who needed his big brother to save him. He'd never really believed it. Zeke was so sure that Grisha was an evil man; Eren was so sure that he had all of the control. Now, he's not sure of anything.

["Maybe Zeke was right."

[He'd like to beat that thought back down to wherever it came from. Even if their father was flawed, they never knew the same one. Zeke was an idiot who loved a concept as if it were family. He doesn't regret manipulating him.

[Still, it's strange...to think they could really commiserate over something like this.]

[headhooligan]

[When Eren pulls Aubrey’s head to his chest, it feels natural. His head on her shoulder feels similar, maybe all the more because he’s too tall; it’s because he does it at all. She’d hold him for a million years like this.]

[Surely that thought wasn’t meant to be shared, either.... Zeke. Another new name. Now doesn’t feel like the time to ask…

[Aubrey holds her husband for a while longer, thoughts quiet as her touch. But he does deserve to know, at least, that the world is prying again. She doesn’t let go, but she does finally whisper—]

I heard one of your thoughts again. About Zeke.

[One hand cradles his nape.]
You don’t have to talk about it.

[abandonhumanity]

[He’d thought it himself, and yet, at the mention of Zeke’s name, all he can do is scoff, even with his face still pressed into Aubrey’s shoulder.]

I don’t care about that…

[All he does in terms of moving is shift his head to lie sideways against her instead, cheek pressed where his face had been. Idly, his fingers sift through her long hair.]

He’s my brother, I guess. More than that, he’s my enemy.

We only knew each other a short time.

[Before the universe can say it for him:]

He hated our father. So, maybe he was right. That’s all.

[headhooligan]

[There’s something a little funny about the muffled scoff. Aubrey turns to look back at him best she can, smiling for a moment in soft amusement. He’s so cute....]

[To the topic at hand, though.]

Maybe he was. [A light shrug, with the shoulder Eren’s not resting on. Still gentle, Aubrey brushes her fingers across his forehead, swiping aside those ever-stray hairs. They fall right back into place as always.]

Didn’t know you had a brother. [Almost idle talk, despite the gravity of the subject. She’s a little preoccupied.]

[abandonhumanity]

[It's become a comfort - light fingers brushing the stray hairs out of his face; one of the nicer things about having long hair, that Aubrey can stroke it, fuss with it, run her hands through it.]

I didn't either.

[His next words are entirely too casual.]

He was one of Marley's Warriors - slaughtered countless comrades of mine as if they were nothing more than cattle.

[His cheek is still resting on her shoulder. He feels tired, suddenly - like they should be lying down.]

When we met, he told me that he wanted to save me. [Another scoff.] Save me from a dead man. He's a fool...

wow novel

[headhooligan]

[Eren has a knack for making atrocities sound like yesterday’s weather. It wrests Aubrey’s focus back to the actual talk, not just their idle touches—though it does feel odd, suddenly, standing like this. Maybe it’s extra exhaustion from Eren; maybe it’s the weight of his words.

[That he can speak so casually about slaughter… it’s another thing that doesn’t matter much anymore, but Aubrey can’t help but wonder how much of that is just the world Eren’s from, desensitizing anyone who can survive it, and how much is Eren… being Eren.]

[Yeah. She’s tired of standing, too.]

Hey. [A small nudge, just to get Eren’s attention; Aubrey’s been quiet for a while.] I’m gonna move us somewhere. Hold on…

[Not that it’s a turbulent transition. The ambiguous fuzz of their surroundings gives way to a large room, sunlight streaming through the window. In the periphery, half-remembered details flicker in and out of focus; furniture and ephemera from bygone days. It’s been so long, Aubrey doesn’t remember the picture clearly; where her memory falters, the space takes a dreamlike appearance, objects not there solid but not not there. Somewhat disorienting to stare at too long.

[But she does get the couch, in the middle of it all. A small flower, on the side table. And it’s warm, today.
[To her, it feels somewhere close to home.]

[Aubrey steps back, inviting Eren to sit or lie down. She might ask about the rest of his family, if he knows anyone else… but for now, she stays silent. Let him take this in first.]

[abandonhumanity]

[It's a bizarrely pleasant-looking place; warm and homey, not unlike how his own used to feel. But it's different too. He doesn't recognize the TV (even having seen more than a few at the department store, they looked nothing like this). Overall, it's really not much like the houses back in Paradis at all. But the couch looks comfortable, and his body feels heavy, like he could fall asleep if he let himself.]

What is this place...?

[At Aubrey's invitation, he does sit, but one arm extends toward her, waiting for her to sit as well so he can put it around her. He doesn't want to stop touching yet; he wasn't ready to.]

[headhooligan]

[She’s by his side in an instant, sitting at the corner. Eren’s probably too tall to lie completely straight out, but he’s got all the space to try. The couch is wide enough to have fit about four people snugly, if they’re close…]

Friends’ house.

[Aubrey looks a bit distant, at the wall by the TV—past it, really. The frame that used to occupy that space fades into focus; it’s a happy family.]