abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[His answer is only as cold as the truth of it.]

Of course they've changed.

[Eren, with an inextinguishable fire in his eyes. Mikasa, who never once doubted herself. Armin, who dreamt endlessly of a better world.

[Aubrey didn't know those kids like he did; didn't watch the joy and hope slowly drain from their lives with every passing battle. Didn't watch dreams turn to reality turn to shit.]

You grow up. You learn that the world is shit. You change.

[Still...He knows what she's getting at, he thinks.]

How they feel about each other? No. I don't think that can change. Just kind of the way love works.

[“Funny” thing is, even with less joy and hope… those descriptions of the trio aren’t anything Aubrey could disagree with. She’s seen it in all of them. Passion; devotion; hope.

[But maybe she doesn’t know them well enough.]

[The answer she gets shouldn’t be surprising; Aubrey deflates a little anyway. She wants to lie down, maybe watch the sun rise, maybe fall asleep for a thousand years.

[Instead she finds herself swallowing back heartache.]

Hey, Levi… [It’s almost an idle question. Just to think about anything but broken children.] What is it you regret the least?

[The answer is instant; but unspoken. The memory of a strong jaw, blue eyes, and a prominent nose. Erwin Smith is smiling at him, more tender than he’d ever seen him. There’s no grief to the memory. Levi’s love, admiration, adoration is overwhelming; a pure and uninhibited emotion, all consuming and more blissful than he ever thought was possible. The man he loves.

[He assumes that it’s shared; a quick study, this one. So, once the memory fades, he merely nods, momentarily averting his gaze. His lips are drawn in the tight line of withheld emotions. If he were alone, maybe he’d allow a tear to fall. Not now, though. Not here.]

[So far, Aubrey hasn’t experienced a memory-with-feeling share without touch. Maybe Levi’s admiration is that strong; maybe it’s the look in the man’s eyes, features chiseled but gentle all the same.

[Without even noticing Levi’s gaze is averted, Aubrey looks at Eren. Can’t help it. And she’s struck by the thought, not for the first time, of losing him.
[It’s hard to imagine what she’d do after that.]

[She rests his head on her shoulder.
[Fighting for a memory… it’s sad. It might just be the strongest possible thing.]

[There’s a silence. And then, softly,] Who… was he?

Erwin Smith.

[Levi still isn't looking at her. His voice betrays no particular emotion; even so, there's weight to the name.]

13th Commander of the Paradis Survey Corps.

He was a good man.

["He was the love of my--"]

[A quick addition - an interruption:] He isn't what I regret the least.

I don't regret knowing him at all.

[He says more than enough even without the thought.]

[The sun rises ever steady. It makes the place feel realer than ever, even if it’s somewhere with people from another world, where the dead don’t stay dead.]

Not at all....

[An absent whisper. Somehow it’s hard to imagine that, too; never having any second thoughts. Even when it hurts.]

[You’re a good person.]

…It’s more complex than that, I know.

[But beyond that, Aubrey’s not eager to say more. A thought’s a thought, even when she should know better.]

[A "good person". Yeah. It's not the first time Levi has heard that. There's no point in arguing, really, even if it's not true. As far as he's concerned, "good" people don't really exist. But if she wants to think highly of him, well. It's better than launching herself at him when he tries to take care of business (not that he thinks she'd take too kindly to him trying to kick Eren again).]

That's a change in tune.

Not that I'd want you to consider me your enemy. I'm not.

[Another tug at a smile, at that.] Yeah, I know. [On both fronts, really.]

I don’t… want you to kick Eren again…

[An intentional pause for this aside: “Even if he deserves it…”
[Ha, “even if.” As if Aubrey hasn’t hurt him for far less. It’s a guilty concession. But she meant the rest of what she’s said, too.]

…but you did save me. You didn’t even know me.

You're just a kid. Believe it or not, I do try to save civilians when I can.

Don't sweat it.

[However...]

I'm not taking back what I said. If I have to put Eren [Don't say "down" - the man's already dead.] in his place, then I will.

It's nothing personal.

[She can believe it.] I get it.

We’ll see if you have to.

[He just isn’t waking up.]

[…Change of topic.]
You know, it’s funny you’d say “civilians”… Like I said earlier, there don’t seem to be many people here. [Even with the mystery smoker.] It’s like we’re all just… wanderers.

[The unsaid implication: rank doesn’t matter much anymore.
[Aubrey’s fine with that. A soldier might not be.

[And, a less-intended idea: There’s no way out. Not voluntarily.
[Is anyone really fine with that…?]

[If someone came up to Levi and told him that he could retire from being a soldier, he'd probably kiss them on the mouth.

[Doesn't change the fact that he is one, though. Aubrey can ignore his rank all she wants, but if any of the brats from his squad put a toe out of line, he's in charge again (technically Armin outranks him, which Levi will respect in most cases, but he'll still kick his ass if he has to (he won't have to)).]

Either way. You looked like you couldn't fight back, so I stepped in.

["Wanderers". He's not sure how he feels about the term. He'd, in fact, really prefer to stop wandering and rest, although...with what he's just come from, this doesn't feel unlike rest. Even with Eren sleeping a few feet away, Levi finds that he's relaxed a bit.

[The new environment is distracting too. That's fortunate. Can't grieve if you have more important things going on, right?]

What's your goal, here?

You wanna go back home?

[He can only assume, and yet...Eren isn't from Aubrey's world.]

[“You looked like you couldn’t fight back”… yeah, he could say that. Aubrey’s getting a bit too familiar with the feeling of being useless. She’s thinking she’d like to try that ODM gear on for size—

[But her goal? It’s a slight reprieve that Levi has a second question, much as that answer’s complicated; because the first isn’t, and it gives her a chance to hone in on the memory before it all spills out:]

[I’ll keep your heart beating as long as I live.
[Just those words.]

[Even so, Aubrey finds her cheeks burning, her gaze averted. It’s not that she’s ashamed of saying it; it’s that that wasn’t meant for anyone but Eren. Sure, she’s caught on to the world’s machinations; this is still the best her self-control can offer. That’s embarrassing.

[But she would declare it again, in a heartbeat.]

…I guess that answers both for you.

[So devoted to Eren Jaeger that it's a major detriment. Yeah. Sounds familiar enough.

[And then, Levi can't help but think that if he could see Hange again, or Erwin, or any of the people dear to him that he's lost...he might choose to stay here too.]

Yeah. I get it.

[Oh, buddy. He is The Detriment. Ever.]

[Aubrey’s a little surprised Levi doesn’t have harsher words, but remembering the look in Erwin’s eyes, how he’s got no one left at home… yeah.]

Even if I could go home…

[An idle mumble. I can’t do that to him.]

…I’d regret that more.

Let me tell you something, kid.

[The same thing he told Eren all those years ago; Eren took it as far left as he possibly could, of course, but Levi's advice won't change just because one dumbass decided to end the world with it.]

Any decision you make, it's yours to. Whatever anyone else has to say, when it comes down to it, you're the one who acts.

Remember what I said about living for what you regret the least?

Act in a way that leaves you none. Make every decision you can like that. "What's gonna leave me with no regrets?" And you do that.

[He doesn't believe that Eren was truly honoring that advice by the end, anyway. Eren festered in his regrets, swallowed them, created more for himself so he could continue wallowing until the moment he died - even after he died, if Levi had to guess.]

Don't be like Eren.

It isn't easy, but it's the only way to live a life you can be at peace with. You owe yourself that.

[No regrets. A life at peace. Now that sounds like a fairytale.

[But Aubrey thinks about it. Levi’s not Captain for nothing; he must know so much better than her what it means to make impossible decisions, between bad and worse. And having made decisions that can’t be undone. He’s not talking about the past; he’s talking about action. Moving forward.]

[Moving forward.
[Moving forward.
[Regretting less and less, until…]

You know…

[She won’t let go of Eren, but she kind of wants to stand.]

…Maybe I do want to go home. Just… to make sure everyone left is okay.

[Last she saw them—Kel, Hero, Sunny… they weren’t.]

But I want a better world for you guys, too… all of us.

[Aubrey and Eren - they're all too similar in ways.]

Look at me.

[Sometimes when Levi speaks, he can't help but make it sound like a command. He'll try to meet her eyes, a weighted gaze.]

You can't save our world, and you can't save yours. Not on your own.

Take that weight off your shoulders, Aubrey. You're a kid. [Just another dumb kid who's seen the future and can't do anything to stop it.]

It's a nice sentiment - I get it. It's a pretty way of thinking.

But shit is shit is shit. You can only change what you can change. That's small scale and always will be.

Forgive yourself for that and do what you can. That's all there is.

[She obeys, meeting his eyes, and is restrained by what she sees. There’s a protest in her mind—No, I’m not even suggesting anything drastic, never mind anything like— But Levi continues, and it dies unsaid. Not like Aubrey’s a stranger to justifying things to herself, actions that should have never been…]

Do what I can....

[Her eyes close, and she lets out a long sigh.

[It’s hard… not to take responsibility, isn’t it, Eren? Not a thought Aubrey particularly tries to share; she wouldn’t be upset if it did. When you care so much.
[Bereft of context, a certainty that Levi will hear: A detriment.]

That’s all there is.

[Her gaze slides back towards the sunrise, the rubble of that town. Not at all laughing, but her eyes narrow with some emotion.] Damn it....

[Eren doesn't awaken; a warm hand finds Aubrey's, squeezing. Faces flash through his dream, bleeding into their touch: Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Conny, Sasha, Historia, Marco - then, Annie, Bertholdt, Reiner.

[There are countless others. Levi's Special Operations Squad from when Eren was only a kid, trying to learn what it meant to be a Scout. There's Hannes, who was so much like family. Commander Erwin, with his strong brow and wild eyes. Hange brings forth a particularly raw surge of pain and shame. Eren's grip on Aubrey's hand tightens.

[He nods.]

[The only thing Levi hears is something about a detriment (merciful that he doesn't have to see the faces of his fallen comrades through their reaper's eyes, really).

[It's not an easy lesson for a kid to learn. He gets that. But he hopes he's making some sort of impact anyway. His body feels more real than it ever has, and he's tired. It's weird to think that eventually he might have to default to words as his weapon of choice.]

It doesn't feel like enough. I know. It's hard not to take responsibility when you care. [He has, for the record, not heard what Aubrey has shared with Eren.]

What you can do - what you can change - it'll matter to someone. Could even change their life.

[Before the thought can manifest:]

You couldn't have saved him, Aubrey. No one could have.

So, you...do what you can, then. [His final words are exhausted. Figures Eren gets to sleep after all this. Levi wouldn't sneeze at a bed right about now.]

[Eren heard. She squeezes his hand back, and holds it to their hearts.]

[Levi seems to read her mind without hearing a thing. He sounds drained enough Aubrey won’t give voice to the protest, but it circles her mind wordlessly anyway. One person’s actions can change a life… but not save them? Maybe it’s just Eren. Maybe you’d have to be a better person, to pull someone out of their abyss before it’s too late.

[Even as the sun rises, the faces flashing through Aubrey’s memory are dark.

[I should be there for them, too....
[More useless fucking guilt over things she can’t change. She could cry.]

[It gets swallowed back. Not easily, but for the moment, it does.]

I can… change where we are, I guess. [Weather. Things. Superficial. Levi’s said he doesn’t have anywhere, but…] I can’t promise it’ll work, but… is there anything you want, right now, Levi?

[Sure, you can change a person's life. You could even save a person's life. Save the world, though? Save Eren Jaeger? No. He meant what he said. No one could have done that. Eren made sure of it.

[At Aubrey's offer, Levi raises an eyebrow. It's not wise to let Eren leave his sight; shouldn't trust one of his fangirls to keep him in check if he does manage to get away, but...

[There are some things to consider. He's already dead, and he can't be killed here (ostensibly, considering that the dead can come back to life). Levi's agreed not to kill him without reason, largely due to the previously stated facts. Lastly-- Well. ]

You seen anyone around here called Zeke? Sleeping Beauty's brother. Ugly four-eyed bastard with a beard the same color as his piss. Sound familiar?

[Incredible, now, that the best visual description Aubrey has of Eren’s brother is “four-eyed bastard with a beard the same color as his piss.”]

I know a little about him. [Her tone doesn’t offer any real opinion.] Never seen him.

[Well, there's that, at least.]

How about a girl called Historia? Blonde hair, blue eyes. Not Armin, though I hear they're easy to confuse.

[Another name, another face. Maybe?]

No. [Mildly confused, now.] Armin, Mikasa, Reiner, Bertholdt—just them.

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slides in link for my own reference

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up to you whether Eren gets the first bit

1/1 (?)

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