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[ Maruki anchors him through that panic, too. ]
Not letting yourself feel that isn't any better, Eren. For you or for her memory.
[ It hurts. It hurts him, so he can't imagine how much it hurts Eren.
And he isn't strong enough for this, not really, but he still does his best to try to sit up so he can pull Eren into his lap, clumsy and desperate to hold him as he deserves. ]
Not letting yourself feel that isn't any better, Eren. For you or for her memory.
[ It hurts. It hurts him, so he can't imagine how much it hurts Eren.
And he isn't strong enough for this, not really, but he still does his best to try to sit up so he can pull Eren into his lap, clumsy and desperate to hold him as he deserves. ]
cw: parent death/grief THIS WHOLE THREAD how did this happen
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abandonhumanity
2025-01-05 09:06 am (UTC)(link)
[Their difference in strength and size rarely seems to matter at times like these. One moment, Eren is on the ground, and the next, he's in Maruki's lap, wrapped around him. Somewhere in between, panic shattered all at once into misery. Eren sobs unlike Maruki has ever heard him, when Maruki has heard more than anyone.]
But it's my fault. I killed her. She loved me more than anyone, and I killed her.
But it's my fault. I killed her. She loved me more than anyone, and I killed her.
[ He's thought that nothing could sound worse than Eren's wretched, gagging, wailing sobs over the loss of Mikasa, or the grief-laden scream he let out that first night that they were reunited and Maruki showed him his first tenderness in years.
This is worse. Phenomenally, infinitely worse. Maruki can do nothing but cling to him tighter than ever, body swaying slightly as if to rock him, head bent down low to speak close to his ear. ]
She loved you. And you love her. That's what matters, in the end– that's what endures. Even beyond death. It's okay to feel it. It is...
This is worse. Phenomenally, infinitely worse. Maruki can do nothing but cling to him tighter than ever, body swaying slightly as if to rock him, head bent down low to speak close to his ear. ]
She loved you. And you love her. That's what matters, in the end– that's what endures. Even beyond death. It's okay to feel it. It is...
I emerge from a night of labyrinthum threading covered in blood
abandonhumanity
2025-01-05 09:25 am (UTC)(link)
I do. [That's the most miserable sob yet. His body lurches with it, and his fingers dig into Maruki's back, more than hard enough to hurt.
[He repeats it, barely loud enough to hear: "I do. I do. I love her. I swear I do."
[He whispers other things too - tells Maruki about his longstanding fear that she'll arrive in the garden, how he can't imagine a worse Hell than always wondering, knowing that he couldn't face her either way, always turning over his shoulder to look for her anyway.
[He cries until he has to stop to keep from throwing up. He's reminded to breathe, but he isn't sure if Maruki's just said it, or if it's just that voice he always hears in his head.
[Everything seems to shut down all at once after that. Eren goes deathly silent, were it not for still heavy breathing. At some point, he gains hold of Maruki's hand and toys with it, head resting heavy on the man's shoulder. He feels dazed.
[Murmurs:]
You're the only one I can't destroy. Maruki...
[He repeats it, barely loud enough to hear: "I do. I do. I love her. I swear I do."
[He whispers other things too - tells Maruki about his longstanding fear that she'll arrive in the garden, how he can't imagine a worse Hell than always wondering, knowing that he couldn't face her either way, always turning over his shoulder to look for her anyway.
[He cries until he has to stop to keep from throwing up. He's reminded to breathe, but he isn't sure if Maruki's just said it, or if it's just that voice he always hears in his head.
[Everything seems to shut down all at once after that. Eren goes deathly silent, were it not for still heavy breathing. At some point, he gains hold of Maruki's hand and toys with it, head resting heavy on the man's shoulder. He feels dazed.
[Murmurs:]
You're the only one I can't destroy. Maruki...
[ Maruki holds him through it all. It's all he can do, in the end. Hold Eren close, even when he grips bruises into Maruki's back, even when his tears choke and gag him through another miserable confession, even when he finally goes still and limp, entirely spent.
His own cheeks are a bit damp too. He can't help it. To see Eren cry like this– only a monster would be able to withstand it without crying with him. His soul's love's pain is his pain too. He's just as exhausted, by the end of it...
Maruki strokes the hand that hasn't been taking through Eren's hair, soothing in its compulsion, and rests his cheek down against Eren's head. ]
You can't destroy me. I can't lose you. It's why we're eternal.
[ A long, heavy beat, and then it slips out, almost an afterthought despite the weight to the words: ]
You can call me Takuto. If you want. Just when we're alone, like this...
[ There's nothing to hide between them anymore. It's all laid bare, every last bit of it; the only thing Maruki has left to give is a name no one has spoken since the sun went down on a sterile hospital room. ]
His own cheeks are a bit damp too. He can't help it. To see Eren cry like this– only a monster would be able to withstand it without crying with him. His soul's love's pain is his pain too. He's just as exhausted, by the end of it...
Maruki strokes the hand that hasn't been taking through Eren's hair, soothing in its compulsion, and rests his cheek down against Eren's head. ]
You can't destroy me. I can't lose you. It's why we're eternal.
[ A long, heavy beat, and then it slips out, almost an afterthought despite the weight to the words: ]
You can call me Takuto. If you want. Just when we're alone, like this...
[ There's nothing to hide between them anymore. It's all laid bare, every last bit of it; the only thing Maruki has left to give is a name no one has spoken since the sun went down on a sterile hospital room. ]
[Eren leans just barely away. It's the first time he's managed to look at Maruki's face in...hours? He can't tell.
[He loves him. That's all that shows on his face. It's such a simple expression, no complicated layers. Blame that on the exhaustion, too, maybe. He seems distracted by Maruki's face, fingers slipping up under his glasses to brush tears away.
[Eren's never heard anyone call him...]
Takuto.
[Did he say it right?]
Takuto.
Okay...
[He loves him. That's all that shows on his face. It's such a simple expression, no complicated layers. Blame that on the exhaustion, too, maybe. He seems distracted by Maruki's face, fingers slipping up under his glasses to brush tears away.
[Eren's never heard anyone call him...]
Takuto.
[Did he say it right?]
Takuto.
Okay...
[ It's the strangest thing to hear after all this time, but– it's right for it to happen this way. Privately, Maruki's glad that no one else in Somnius ever saw fit to call him by his given name on their own, no matter how close they are. He can ease back into hearing it without immediately hearing wretched, panicked shrieks echoing off the walls with the person who makes him feel safest. It's fine. It will be fine.
The corners of his lips turn up, though the smile doesn't yet meet his tired eyes as Eren thumbs away the dampness beneath them. He squeezes Eren's hand, and the smile flickers warmer, more genuine. ]
You got it. Thank you...
[ Oh, they're both worn out. Maruki can feel it, heavy in the chilly air of the windmill. ]
Lay back down with me. You should rest.
The corners of his lips turn up, though the smile doesn't yet meet his tired eyes as Eren thumbs away the dampness beneath them. He squeezes Eren's hand, and the smile flickers warmer, more genuine. ]
You got it. Thank you...
[ Oh, they're both worn out. Maruki can feel it, heavy in the chilly air of the windmill. ]
Lay back down with me. You should rest.
[Eren obeys, a sniffling child. He tucks himself up under the blanket, then throws it over Maruki too. He pulls the covers all the way up over their heads until it's too dark to see, and then he moves close, waiting to be enveloped again.]
This is what I want. Just to stay like this. With you.
This is what I want. Just to stay like this. With you.
[ Darkness overtakes them, warms them through. Maruki takes just a moment to sneak a hand back out and place his glasses somewhere safe, but then his arm wraps around Eren to pull him in to lay his head against his chest, the two of them situating themselves in pitch black. ]
Then what's what we'll do. For as long as we can. [ Delicate fingers brush blindly over Eren's browbone before trying again for his hairline, fingertips mussing the loose strands. ] Don't worry about anything else right now. Just be here.
Then what's what we'll do. For as long as we can. [ Delicate fingers brush blindly over Eren's browbone before trying again for his hairline, fingertips mussing the loose strands. ] Don't worry about anything else right now. Just be here.
Forever. One day. [Eren mutters it against Maruki's chest, voice squished and pitiful.] Promise...
[Eren weighs Hythlodaeus a long look, and it's difficult to read, as his looks often are. Then, he steps over and nudges Hythlodaeus with his elbow.]
Don't start a competition and then go easy on me.
Don't start a competition and then go easy on me.
[Eren can hear Jean coming just by his footsteps, unique to his husband's ears. He doesn't turn around, even when he feels arms wrap around him. He leans his head all the way back against Jean's shoulder, staring at him upside down.]
What's that?
What's that?
[He dreams about her.
[She’s just washing dishes. He sits and watches her.
[That’s all.]
[She’s just washing dishes. He sits and watches her.
[That’s all.]
Is that how you see it?
[He seems thoughtful for a moment.]
My sight will not allow me to catch fish any easier. It will only allow me to see where the fish are and single out the larger fish later, but truthfully my proposition was for any fish caught.
[Therefore, he will only be trying to catch the closest fish, and not the large one yet.]
So, I suppose there is truly no harm done whether I use my sight or not.
[If it will make Eren happier with the outcome, he'll use his sight.]
[He seems thoughtful for a moment.]
My sight will not allow me to catch fish any easier. It will only allow me to see where the fish are and single out the larger fish later, but truthfully my proposition was for any fish caught.
[Therefore, he will only be trying to catch the closest fish, and not the large one yet.]
So, I suppose there is truly no harm done whether I use my sight or not.
[If it will make Eren happier with the outcome, he'll use his sight.]
[ Jean seems perfectly unbothered by Eren staring at him upside down. He does unwrap one arm to pull out the tickets, waving them over his head. ]
Airship tickets, to the hot springs in Lumindeas. I figured we could explore Stellari together for a bit if you wanted to.
[ He seems eager about the idea, going by the smile. ]
Airship tickets, to the hot springs in Lumindeas. I figured we could explore Stellari together for a bit if you wanted to.
[ He seems eager about the idea, going by the smile. ]
Yeah, of course. The last time you were on an airship, you didn't really get a chance to appreciate it.
And it'll be fun. It's a place we hardly know anything about, but I doubt we'll be in danger either.
[ Between Eren's abilities and Jean being who he is, they'll be fine. ]
Celine can watch Frog.
[ Kanoa will watch Frog and Jean very well knows that. ]
And it'll be fun. It's a place we hardly know anything about, but I doubt we'll be in danger either.
[ Between Eren's abilities and Jean being who he is, they'll be fine. ]
Celine can watch Frog.
[ Kanoa will watch Frog and Jean very well knows that. ]
[Ah, yes. The last time Eren was on an airship, he was under arrest, and Sasha was dying. He remembers; feels his lips tighten a little at having it pulled back to the front of his recollection.
[The sentiment is still nice, he supposes.
[Eren straights up, but doesn't pull out of their backwards hug.]
We can. When?
[...]
Right now?
[The sentiment is still nice, he supposes.
[Eren straights up, but doesn't pull out of their backwards hug.]
We can. When?
[...]
Right now?
[ Jean squeezes the other arm around his waist; he hadn't meant to bring up bad memories. ]
We can go right now, unless you'd rather hold off for some reason.
[ He'll ask someone to feed the animals, Thermopolium can self-operate for a day since he's not the sole cook anymore, it'll be fine. ]
We can go right now, unless you'd rather hold off for some reason.
[ He'll ask someone to feed the animals, Thermopolium can self-operate for a day since he's not the sole cook anymore, it'll be fine. ]
[Eren gives a firm nod, then focuses his attention on the water. Nothing has tugged at his line so far. He wonders what favor Hythlodaeus would even ask for. His mind goes to a few natural places--
[Something pulls at his line, and he snaps back to attention, immediately pulling back to begin reeling in--
[Ah. Seems the fish wasn't hooked on tightly enough. His hook comes up bloodied, but empty. He glares and casts out again.]
[Something pulls at his line, and he snaps back to attention, immediately pulling back to begin reeling in--
[Ah. Seems the fish wasn't hooked on tightly enough. His hook comes up bloodied, but empty. He glares and casts out again.]
Ah, they've been frightened.
[He watches the fish he was eyeing swim away, and cheerfully casts out again.]
Not to worry. They will return, and we have all day!
[Clearly he's having a great time already. He grins at Eren- truthfully if he gets to ask for a favour, he's going to ask for Eren to spend the rest of the day with him. Keeping him here with a competition works just as well, however!]
[He watches the fish he was eyeing swim away, and cheerfully casts out again.]
Not to worry. They will return, and we have all day!
[Clearly he's having a great time already. He grins at Eren- truthfully if he gets to ask for a favour, he's going to ask for Eren to spend the rest of the day with him. Keeping him here with a competition works just as well, however!]
[There are plenty of other people around to care for the farm while Eren's away. The morning chores are already done regardless.]
I don't have other plans. [It's somewhat rare that that's true for both of them.
[Eren doesn't pull out of Jean's grasp, but he does turn around to face him, slinging his arms over the man's shoulders.]
What are you going to wear? [Something he's asked ever since Dolph gave Jean that wardrobe. Eren's husband is among the most handsome men in Visium, and he's certain that's true for Lumindeas too. It's not a crime to enjoy the way he looks, strange as things may have gotten.]
I don't have other plans. [It's somewhat rare that that's true for both of them.
[Eren doesn't pull out of Jean's grasp, but he does turn around to face him, slinging his arms over the man's shoulders.]
What are you going to wear? [Something he's asked ever since Dolph gave Jean that wardrobe. Eren's husband is among the most handsome men in Visium, and he's certain that's true for Lumindeas too. It's not a crime to enjoy the way he looks, strange as things may have gotten.]
[ Jean lets his arms fall to settle on Eren's hips, looking at him with that fond expression. They haven't had a chance to go on a date like this in a while. In truth, they probably passed over many opportunities before, but Jean's trying to make an effort to carve out space again.
The question doesn't surprise him, but he does make a show of thinking. His normal tendency to stick to simpler but fashionable clothes has been ruined by the wardrobe; he can get as fancy as he wants, now. ]
My slacks, my boots. I was thinking a waistcoat and suspenders, with some birds on it, since we'll be on an airship. A jacket that matches, since it's still cold wherever we are. And something for the hotsprings that can be a surprise.
[ He leans down to nudge his nose against Eren's. ]
Do you want to dress up too?
The question doesn't surprise him, but he does make a show of thinking. His normal tendency to stick to simpler but fashionable clothes has been ruined by the wardrobe; he can get as fancy as he wants, now. ]
My slacks, my boots. I was thinking a waistcoat and suspenders, with some birds on it, since we'll be on an airship. A jacket that matches, since it's still cold wherever we are. And something for the hotsprings that can be a surprise.
[ He leans down to nudge his nose against Eren's. ]
Do you want to dress up too?
[Fashion is not something Eren is particularly concerned with himself, often wearing the same outfit day after day, so long as it's all clean. Eren likes the question though; finds that he enjoys when his partners dress him instead, and he likes that Jean in particular is interested. He's good at looking nice.
[Eren presses his face into the crook of his husband's neck.]
Just pick something for me.
[Eren presses his face into the crook of his husband's neck.]
Just pick something for me.
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