PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[abandonhumanity]

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine
and rage the likes of which you would not believe.
If I cannot satisfy the one,
I will indulge the other.

Comments

[headhooligan]

[Hit a nerve, huh?

[Not intended, for once. But he’s the one who brought up their spot.]

we’re not going /there/
that’s all i meant

[abandonhumanity]

no that’s not what the fuck you meant
liar

who are you trying to convince?
I wanted to see you that’s it

[Thats never “it”.]

[headhooligan]

[A pause. Considerable, albeit less so than before.]

Incoming call from
Bow Girl 💗💗

✅ ❌

> audio

[abandonhumanity]

[Ever the crybaby, Eren has to force the emotion out of his throat before answering. His tone is low and fake. Knowing Aubrey, she won’t buy it for a second.]

What?

[headhooligan]

[It’s about what she expected. There’s a reason she paused before initiating this, too. Not a fair play, really.]

Eren. [Likewise, he’ll hear a trace of irritation that Aubrey couldn’t quite snuff out. But mostly, her voice is steady, near-insistent. Talking him down....]

You’ll see me. Pinky promise.

[Eren probably can’t hear it, but… she bites her thumb.]

[abandonhumanity]

[It’s a tone he knows very well, as infuriating as it is soothing. It (almost) never fails.

[Embarrassingly, he sniffles into the receiver. He bites his thumb and lets it drop.]

I just want to go home for a while.

[Home. Mom. Armin and Mikasa. Aubrey, Aubrey, Aubrey. Familiar streets and sacred spots. The smell of his hometown. The shitty soft serve at the ancient ice cream shop that won’t close. His tree. The grocery store with the leaky roof.]

[headhooligan]

[There’s enough weight in his voice, that word home, for Aubrey to stifle a retort about how he didn’t have to leave. He’d fire the same right back, she’s sure. And now’s not the time.]

You will be. Soon.

[She’d hug him if she could. That sniffling gets her every time.]

And we’ll be right here for you. Okay?

[abandonhumanity]

[She’s being too nice. He’s tempted to be annoyed, but it’s exactly what he needs. She can tell there’s something deeper going on - something even Eren can’t articulate yet. Aubrey always knows.

[Always crying. There’s another sniffle. He tries to saw through his tears with his hand. It’s humiliating.]

Hey, would you, uh…

[He forces his tone to sound casual, like he’s just changing the subject. But it’s not a casual subject. And his voice is still struggling with emotion.]

Could we go see Mom? Yeah?

[headhooligan]

Yeah. [No hesitation. It’s impossible to say no to that.] For as long as you want.

[abandonhumanity]

[He can’t control the sound that escapes him; something between a whimper and the sound someone makes when they’ve been stabbed.]

Cool. Thanks.

[…]

I wouldn’t ask anyone else.

[To see Carla’s grave? Armin and Mikasa, certainly. To sit there for hours, picking at the grass and talking to a headstone? Aubrey’s eyes only.]

[headhooligan]

[They’ve spent too long at the cemetery. It’ll never be enough.]

…Yeah.
[Unspoken: Likewise.

[Because those strangled, animal sounds? From Aubrey… for Eren’s ears only.
[No one else gets it.]

[ . . . ]

I’ll keep you warm.

[abandonhumanity]

[No one else will ever get it. The only thing that’s kept Eren alive some nights is knowing that if he were gone, Aubrey would have to make those sounds alone.]

You always do…

[It never gets any easier, does it?]

This doesn’t have to be a bad trip.

[headhooligan]

[There’s an immediate, piercing twist in her gut. “Bad trip” leaves a lot to the imagination. Too much. Especially considering how this talk, out loud, started.

[Aubrey can’t make herself say “we’ll see” after what they talked about, though. Not so soon.

[Why does he have to be… so…]

It doesn’t. [Fuck, can she be sweet with him for a whole weekend and then some? Can she afford not to be?]

[Aubrey closes her eyes.] I love you.

Cw hard drugs

[abandonhumanity]

[The first time Aubrey said “I love you” to Eren, chills rippled up his spine, making his toes curl in his shoes, and the hair on his neck stand up straight. It was all anticipation, building to a breaking point. He half-expected it. The thrill he felt left no room for comparison.

[It isn’t like that now. Aubrey’s “I love you” is more like heroin than honey. It’s a desperate, aching, clawing need. It’s “just enough to get well again”. It’s hanging on every word she says in case he might miss it. It’s a cavernous darkness begging for a morsel to be tossed inside. The thrill is all artificial. He starts longing again the second the high is over.]

I love you, Bow.

Forever.

[headhooligan]

[‘Impossible,’ she wants to say, skipping a line. But that’s just it; Eren would sooner die than stop loving Aubrey, or lose her love, and it’s what’s turned his “I love you”s, to her, from a cherished melody to a distorted, broken shriek. It never gets easier to hear; and yet Aubrey prompts it anyway, as if maybe this time, it’ll stab her less.

[She can still hear what it used to be, without the noise; care, intense qnd burning, endless devotion. That never changed. “Forever,” he insists. That’s what kills her.]

[And Aubrey is a horrible enabler.]
Love you forever, Bun. [Y’know, like the hair he started wearing well into his spiral. Like the animals Aubrey loves so much. Like “honey bun,” sweet and disgustingly saccharine and terrible.

[She hasn’t used it in a while.]

We’ll see each other soon, yeah?

[abandonhumanity]

[Mumbled, but he's just barely smiling by the end of it:]

Love you more.

[He loves it when she calls him that. She hasn't in a while now. It makes his back prickle with shivers. His arms feel desperate for her, every inch of his body aching. Soon.]

Yeah, we will. Leaving Thursday.

[headhooligan]

[There’s the cue.] Impossible.

[And he’ll be here… sooner than the weekend. Too soon; not soon enough. Maybe this time, when Aubrey holds Eren, she might never let go; not the first time she’s had that thought, and yet…]

So… you’ll be back Friday? [She can’t keep that stupid, longing hope out of her voice.]

[abandonhumanity]

Technically. It’s only three hours, but I’m starting late. Probably one or two am - something like that.

Feel like waiting up for me? I can arrive Friday morning as far as Mikasa knows.

[headhooligan]

[. . .]

You’re driving?

[She’d half assumed Mikasa would pick him up. Not that Aubrey thinks Eren would be too reckless, when there’s home to look forward to, but....]

To Mikasa’s house?

[abandonhumanity]

[Aubrey’s right to see the driving as a red flag. Eren’s a reckless driver as it is - more so at night, even more so when emotional, and not always sober. A self-destructive personality is especially dangerous when combined with a 2-ton metal projectile traveling at 100mph.

[Aside from that, he hasn’t had a car that actually works in…ever.]

Or to yours. If you want.

Just for the night.

[headhooligan]

[Correction: Eren not being reckless is wishful thinking.]

[Aubrey is mentally scrubbing her calendar on Sunday, Saturday, Friday, and Thursday as they speak.]

She’s not picking you up?

[abandonhumanity]

[With a little impatience in his tone:] No.

I'm taking Yelena's car.

[headhooligan]

“Taking,” right.

[He hasn’t bothered asking for a ride, either, has he?]

Does Mikasa know this?

[abandonhumanity]

What are you on?

Yes, I'm taking - as in borrowing, with permission - Yelena's car. And yeah, Mikasa knows.

[She wasn't too happy about it, but that's beside the point.]

I've been driving since I was fifteen. I think I've got it covered, Bow.

[He's also totaled...how many cars? Some of which intentionally?]

[headhooligan]

[Dammit. Aubrey was really hoping not only that one of Eren’s other friends knew, but also that they would subsequently stop this death taxi. It’s not like she’s worried about him making the trip or anything.]

Does Yelena kno— Ugh, never mind.

[Fuck it. Scrub Monday, too! Boss is gonna love that.]

Forget the car. Thursday at 9, wait outside. I’ll update Mikasa.

[She hangs up before she can think better of it.]