abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

Twice by touch, you mean.

[It seems to Eren like memories have been influencing almost everything they do and everywhere they go. He recalls his childhood home, the shadow mother; the tree in Shiganshina, the music from the market, he and Armin on the screens in Wal-Mart.

[Aubrey's right, though. These more immersive memories are disquieting in their own unique way. And they do seem random...]

What are you thinking about?

[Stalling, somewhat:] When Armin talked about all this being… deliberate, somehow. I’m not saying I believe it [genuinely, she’s not sure], but if that’s true…

[“I won’t talk about this anymore. I w-won’t.”]

[Tread carefully, Aubrey…]

…maybe it’s showing us things we want to avoid? Even if it’s indirect....

[Eren's gaze sharpens. He's not stupid; it doesn't take him long to see what she's getting at. After all, she was there. He can't hide from Aubrey; that's half the reason he wanted to keep her close in the first place (and only in the first place).

[That memory in the barracks ate through her the same way it ate through Eren. She felt what he felt. She was horrified; she should have been.

[Still, he wants to lash out. "What are you trying to say?" Something like that. Something angry, bitter, as dark and deep as his feelings for that man.

[If he could only get that bastard in the same room with him...

[That's how it always feels. Hatred mixed with desperate longing. If only he could see him. If only he could save him. If only he could make him hurt. If only he could be held by him again.

[When Eren speaks, his voice is flat, calm, and dead.

[...it's searching too.]

What would the point of that be?

[To hurt him? To expose him? To humiliate him?

[Is he here too?]

[Eren’s face, the delay, tells her everything before his voice does. Better this, Aubrey supposes, than having the world force her to yell the name. She’d take Eren’s hand in a token effort at comfort, but if it spurs another memory that could surely only escalate, so she keeps back.]

[It occurs to Aubrey she doesn’t like hearing Eren so flat, either. But it’s nothing she’s not used to.

[Besides, it’s a good question. …Isn’t it?]

You know… when I was talking to one of my friends back h—in Faraway [and she watches Eren closely for his reaction, as she cedes some memory the normal way], I told him… that it’s okay to have emotions, and to be patient. That was before [Basil— She glances away, for a moment.] things went wrong, and I second-guessed everything…

But maybe we’re supposed to deal with things here. Not that I’m sure why, either.

["It's okay to have emotions." There was a time when Eren - whether by incapability or lack of concern - wouldn't try to hide his emotions. These days, he'd just as soon have people believe that he doesn't have any at all; once again, hiding them from Aubrey has been an impossibility. How can you hide what you're feeling from someone who can touch you and feel all of it firsthand? The way she yelled his name...

[He can start by keeping his emotions under control for this moment, can't he? He's not so sure...]

There's only one way to deal with that man.

[Eren knows that isn't what she means. Whether Reiner lives or dies, Eren will rot within those feelings forever; maybe even after he's dead. Maybe it would bring about some sort of relief, talking about them. As he considers it, though, all he feels is pain.

[But, now, here, an intriguing sentiment:]

I understand why Reiner did what he did.

[Because he does. He told him as much the last time they met. Reiner Braun and Eren Jaeger are the same...]

But that isn't enough to save him.

[Again Aubrey is reminded of the Eren she used to know (still knows, really, just sees less often): deliberately obtuse. Surely he knows “deal with things” didn’t mean “deal with the guy.” But unlike back then, it’s hard to blame him. The illusion was Bertholdt’s, but “We are the same”…? Bertholdt didn’t even seem to recognize Eren. Maybe he was too focused on Reiner; maybe the Eren who Bertholdt knew was a very different person…]

[There’s a long pause before Aubrey replies.]

From himself?

[Yet again, Eren's gaze sharpens. His eyes go directly to Aubrey's; there seems, behind them, some internal battle.

["From me," he wants to say. From him, from him, from him, because he will be the one bringing that blade down; Reiner Braun will pay for what he's done.

[But the words die in his chest. "We are the same."

[Reiner Braun - Eren's friend, Eren's hero, Eren's--

[On his knees, bowing, begging. "Kill me."

[Eren's voice is meant to sound cold - and it is; it's also tinged with sorrow.]

He passed that point a long time ago.

[It doesn’t—quite—make sense.

[The rifle in his mouth. And yet these emotions, these visions—all too vivid if the man is long dead.

[What keeps him going, then? His mirror?

[Surely whatever it is can’t be found here. Not any more concretely than a rooftop vision.]

[Aubrey is surprised, really, that the answer wasn’t “From me.”

[In what is perhaps another small mercy, she decides not to press it.] We don’t have to talk about him. [Voluntarily, anyway. They both know damn well the world can force it.] But if he comes up again…

[She trails off for a moment. The temptation is there, once more, to take Eren’s hand; she won’t tempt fate, though.
[“Steel yourself” sounds too strong. “Get used to it” sounds impossible.]
I guess… be ready. [As any of them ever can be.]

[At this, Eren hangs his head for a moment, mouth breaking into the smallest of smiles, paired with a short exhale. A scoff? A laugh? Something in between, maybe. But he doesn't look like he's about to start cackling about flattening Liberio again. The look on his face contradicts himself; cold, but warm, empty, but filled to the brim. There's fondness, there's hatred, there's pain, there's a balm.

["Be ready."

[For Reiner Braun? Never.

[And there's only two people in the world who could ever understand.

[Quietly, with that odd laugh still in his voice:]

You think he'll show up? Could be...

[The smile fades.

[Maybe here, in this half-real place, if he could only get a few minutes alone with him...

[...]

Let's hope that doesn't happen.

[The dark edge returning to his voice:]

For his sake.

[At least it’s not a startling, barking “laugh” again. The odd sensation of navigating landmines lingers. It’s what she gets for trying to be tactful, Aubrey supposes.]

[Dare she mention Bertholdt? Dare she not? Another traitor, too close to the source. Aubrey doesn’t like this conversation.

[She doesn’t like feeling uneasy around Eren, again. It’s not that he’d hurt her, she knows that…

[—Reiner’s not her responsibility.]

Right. [Aubrey exhales with a short huff; it’s not much of a laugh.] It’s… simpler if it’s just us. And Armin. [Not an intentional afterthought. He’s added complications in his own right, is the thing—but he and Eren can work past those, right?] No one else.

[At this, an unwelcome spark in Eren's memory.

[Basil. Aubrey can never know.

[It's time to put this topic to rest.]

Agreed.

Let's continue the game.

[Oh, thank god.]

[Visibly relaxing, Aubrey nods and points to Eren.] First. [His turn; or the word, if he prefers.]

Place.

Here.

Stuck.

[Still? Ouch.]
…Together.

[Reaching over, he hooks one of his fingers with one of her own. Mercifully, no memory is shared between them.]

Bond.

[Better. There’s probably something to be said for “stuck + together = bond,” but… one word at a time, yeah?]

Close. [Aubrey hooks back.]

[It isn't lost on Eren that Aubrey and he can be positively sickening, but he doesn't mind it one bit. It's something Jean and the others would have busted his balls about back in the Cadet or Survey Corps; that's a fond mental image. All that being said, he takes his other hand and lays it, knuckles down, against Aubrey's cheek.]

Warmth.

Edited 2023-10-12 20:09 (UTC)

[Aubrey, for one, doesn’t feel like she has a lot to… hm, what, hide? be embarrassed about? Maybe not quite that. But c’mon, Eren wrapped her wound in a barracks. So what if the Aubrey who met him never would’ve believed this? She believes it now. And no one’s going to tease her about it; just Eren. It’s fine; more than fine.]

[Tilting her head into his hand, Aubrey uses her free hand to run her palm up Eren’s cheek, flicking playfully at the stray hairs.] Mine.

[With the ghost of a smile on his lips.]

Detriment.

[Who knew that word could sound so sweet.]

Y— [Actually.]
Ours.

[And she leans in for a kiss.]

[With his hand still on her cheek, it's easy to lean into the kiss. He slips the hand behind her ear, fingers intertwining themselves through pink strands of hair. They fit together too nicely; this was always inevitable, of course.

[He doesn't fully pull away once the kiss is broken.

[He can almost picture what it would be like if he'd met Aubrey back on Paradis. Maybe they'd be married by now. She'd be in the crowd, watching as the Scouts returned through the gates, searching for him.

[What a miserable life that would be; but, for Eren, a home to return to, no matter where she was waiting. It's not a terrible thought, all things considered...]

Return.

[She really never will tire of Eren’s lips on hers, his hand in her hair. Aubrey runs her fingers through his in turn, much as she can get through with strands pulled back in that messy bun, and stays there even when the kiss breaks.

[Maybe Aubrey’s projecting, but the way he looks at her… Always, always, always. Maybe he’s thinking of it, too.]

[His word surprises her.]

Hm? [Not a word, just a sound. If they’re still playing, she can only get so far…]

Where? [Maybe he wants to go back to the tree? Aubrey’s happy to help visualize, if he’d like.]

["Home" should be the answer - it is the answer, really, but...right now he's thinking of a home where returning means seeing her again; dancing in the market, maybe.]

You.

[Maybe he should explain, but...it feels better not to. He's stuck in a fantasy of his own making.]

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you can tell I'm in my feelings

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icons that will jump scare you considering the context

love that

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