abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[Been a few years since she did this, huh? Long years. That Aubrey would’ve answered differently.]

I don’t know. [Hell, the Aubrey of a few… what, days? a short while ago, maybe a lifetime; when they were leaving the barracks, before she was reminded who Eren was, learned what he really wants. Before he almost fucking died.

[That Aubrey would’ve answered differently, too.]

I don’t think I care.

[She doesn't care. She doesn't care about freedom, or hope, or what's out there. She doesn't care, and it's Eren's fault, and he's just now starting to care again, and it doesn't matter, because it's all bullshit, it's all fake, it's all an illusion, and he just...wants...]

Freedom isn't real, is it?

[His voice is quiet. He's still reaching, still staring at the sky.]

Anywhere. Even in this impossible place.

[His hand flexes.]

We were cattle in a pen. We were brought to the brink of extinction - feasted on like livestock.

[He feels like crying again. He can't tell if his eyes are still wet from before, or tearing up again. He thinks of his mother...Her voice sounded so real.]

I wanted to change that. But I couldn't...

[His fists clenches around empty air.]

Your world is a cruel place too.

[Scribbled out pictures, gardening sheers, grief - grief. Aubrey knows grief. It spreads out in Eren's chest, black as night, a bottomless void of sorrow and rage.

[He lowers his fist to his chest in an old salute.]

Aubrey...

I want to help you go home.

[He might as well have stabbed her.]

[They are here. They are not home. There is no home—just broken walls, a tortured hallway, a labyrinth of destruction and rot. Eren just said it himself; the world is cruel. Freedom is bullshit. It’s a mercy and a damnation that, in this spiraling limbo, Eren can’t carry out his death mission. And it’s just as fitting that Aubrey never see Faraway again, the real Faraway, the small town from hell that she never meant to stay in anyway. “Home”?! Hilarious. The closest it could offer is gone, whispers and dodged glances sealed in a coffin, and it has festered for four empty, sordid, nothing years.]

Shut… up. [Through gritted teeth.] Shut up. I don’t—

[Aubrey sits bolt upright, shaking. There’s a faint protest from her wound, sealed but raw; she ignores it. She’s glaring, a fragile bullseye with Eren’s 19-year-old face dead center, but it’s not at him at all. The salute is barely noticed.] I don’t believe in fucking fairytales.

[His voice remains calm. The salute is slowly released. His eyes stay on the sky.]

You don't want to?

[Maybe she'll tell the truth. He'll try to accept it if she does. But the way she talked about her friends, as if Eren was the last person she'd be stuck with if she could choose...

[There's no Rumbling where Aubrey comes from. There's still hope.

Throw away your pride.

You don't belong here.

[That’s a question she can’t answer. “Throw away your pride”— Aubrey’s not going to sit here and get lectured by Eren Jaeger all over again. Option three:]

And you do? No one belongs here, Eren—not me, not Armin, not you.

If there was a way back you’d be dead.

["And you do?"

[Ha. Does Eren want to go back home and complete the Rumbling? "Want" is an awfully strong word. "Need" really sums it up better, but Eren's tired of talking about that - at least, for right now.]

I'm not talking about me.

Do you want to go home or not?

And I am talking about you. [Answer me.] What, you want me to burst into tears and beg you to take me h— [Aborted mockery.] The world couldn’t care less about what we want.

We’re here.

You're not answering me.

We’re not stuck in your fucked-up little elevator anymore. [With a joyless grin,] I don’t have to answer shit.

[Eren sits up. He stares out at the water. He's so calm that he knows it must infuriate her. So be it, then.]

I've made up my mind.

Unless you tell me you don't want to go back, that's what I'm striving for.

[Fucking hell. Aubrey frowns immediately; she’d grab for his wrist if she hadn’t been just a bit too far away.]

Then I don’t. Okay? I don’t fucking want t— Even if I did, it wouldn’t—

[Calm down. Calm down. Aubrey shuts her eyes, tries to steady her breathing. She feels like a cornered animal.]

[There’s something desperate about the way she looks back at Eren.] C-come on. Seriously. You know you don’t want that.

[Finally, Eren looks at her. There's grief in his eyes, preemptive, but inevitable.]

You were born into your world.

Freedom is your birthright. It's what you deserve.

You won't find it here.

[He twists the blade with that face.]

You just said freedom isn’t real.

Stop it. Just— stop talking like that. We’re not going back— [and okay, fine, she’ll lean towards him, because she’s starting to think he doesn’t get it and she’s choking back panic] —you’re. not going back.

[A breath stills in Eren's lungs.

[She cares. It's so obvious now. Maybe it has been for a while, but, for whatever reason, he's able to just...allow it for a moment. She looks so desperate...Is it for his world, or for his life? For Armin?

[Aubrey's a kind person. That tells him all he needs to know. They can't follow the same path. They were never meant to.

[He puts a hand on her shoulder, gentle, but grounding. He inclines his head, looks her in the eyes. There's life in his...It's dull, but it's there. Their faces are very close.]

Aubrey.

[His voice is low, calm, even; it isn't cold.]

No matter what happens, we can't stay here. And I can't follow you.

[He wouldn't let her follow him...With his next words, his voice becomes very..."gentle" - an odd, but fitting word.]

I don't need to repeat what we already know. [The horse can stay dead for a moment.]

Your world is a cruel place, but...[But it's where Aubrey's from...

[He grips her shoulder a little tighter, certain.]

I think...you could really find it...if you tried. [Freedom.]

I want that for you.

[The second his hand touches her shoulder it’s over. The dam crumbles in the face of grief and fear and hurt and longing; she wasn’t ready to watch him die, and she’s still not, and he’s wasting his breath on her name again and he sounds so, so gentle—]

[Tears are falling before Aubrey can process, and she clings to every soft word like a lifeline, even as they stab into her and tear out everything they find. “I can’t follow you.” “I want that for you.”]

[It’s all… the same....]

I don’t. [She grabs at his wrist but it’s not enough. His blood is on her jacket, for god’s sake.] I don’t want that. You— You don’t understand, [she grips at his arms, instead, like they’re all that can keep her steady,] even if I went back I’d be lost all over again, because you’re…

[Finally, her hands find his face. They mold themselves, trembling violently, to the contour of his cheeks.] You… a-are everything to me, now.... [Aubrey’s voice breaks with the realization. She starts crying in earnest.]

I just… I want you to stay.

[Aubrey takes his face in her hands. It should startle him, at the very least, but it doesn't. Warm hands mold themselves to his cheekbones, and an electric thrill shivers up his spine, then spreads out warm in his chest. His face heats up under her hands, his face young and stunned.

[He pulls Aubrey against his chest, both arms wrapped tightly around her. He buries his nose in her pink hair. He breathes in her sent. His heart beat-beat-beat-beats, and, God, if they only could just stay here, if only things could be that simple.

[He doesn't notice himself kissing the top of her head. It's such a short, natural thing. It fits. It makes sense. It's what she needs.

[He closes his eyes. He doesn't move his face. He lets her cling, and cry, their bodies slowly beginning to rock in unison, seated there on the grass. He doesn't dare speak.

[He just...stays.]

[The first time was one thing. Aubrey felt profoundly alone then, pushed back by Eren’s dazed hands, overcome even despite the stabbing protest of a fresh wound. Incoherent. This… this is different.]

Eren… [It is a pathetic, broken sound.] Eren… [Just his name, again and again, all she can muster between ragged heaving. She doesn’t let go.]

[He’s warm, around her again. The kiss has her crying harder. She’d return it if she could, best she can muster like this; but he’s got her in his chest instead, and she swears she can hear, feel his heartbeat.]

[Eren is staying.]

[Eren is here.]

[Life doesn’t get better. This is everything. It has to be enough.]

[Eren is all Aubrey wants, and she loves him, and she is terrified. She holds him like it’s the end of the world.]

[Eren has never hated the sound of his name more. How many people have gone hoarse from shouting after him? Aubrey's mournful, broken wailing makes something catch and dig into his throat. His grip around her tightens protectively, and he kisses the top of her head again, simply keeping his face pressed against her once he's done. Their bodies are still rocking, and Aubrey is still crying, and Eren's heart is burning with a love so familiar that it hurts. It hurts. Fuck! It hurts so badly.

[He'd never meant to love anyone else. To love is only to lose, after all...And Aubrey will lose him. And he will lose her. And she will be safe, and he will be dead. And they'll never touch like this again. His heart heaves with the weight of its mourning.]

It's alright...[His voice is so quiet. It's only a whisper. He's murmuring against her scalp. He doesn't believe himself.]

I won't leave you...I won't...

[Not so long as they're here. So long as they're here, he will not leave her side. He will. Not. Leave. Her. Side.]

I promise.

[She goes quiet.]

[How many times.]

[“I won’t leave you… I won’t…”]

[How. many. godforesaken times, has Aubrey found herself begging to hear that. On the playground, as children jeer; with friends, when she had them, just an assurance; at the wake; at the funeral(, at the funeral, at the funeral, at the funeral, at the funeral); in the hall, when they wouldn’t even look at her; in her bed, trying and failing to ignore the shouting; beneath a stained-glass window; in the road, as her father’s car disappears over the horizon for good; on the floor, hands stained with ink and dye; before a headstone; at a treehouse, at his house, at a sleepover, just before—]

[“I promise.”]

[It’s relief. It’s dread. She feels like her viscera are on the floor, scrambled and scribbled and blackened, spilling rotted clots of ooze. There is no steam.]

[This must be drowning.]

[It’s gotten dark. Not because it’s night, or because they’re somewhere else—this is nowhere at all. It’s everywhere. The lake was only ever an illusion.]

[If catharsis is release then Aubrey has nothing left in her at all. One hand leaves the flushed warmth of Eren’s face and pushes, halfheartedly, against his shoulder. She wants to look up, see him, and only him.]

Thank you. [A whisper, if he’ll allow it.] For saving my life.

[Eren relents when Aubrey pushes on his shoulder. He sits up straighter, leans back. He finds that he desperately wants to see her too - glistening, bloodshot eyes; her soft, broken face...He keeps his arms around her.

[It's dark. Night? When did the warm sun leave them? There's a moon, ripe and full, raining a spotlight down upon them and only them; but Eren's tree from Shiganshina is branching out above them, partially obscuring them from the light. The hill is there too, and the fireflies that used to dance around it in the summertime.

[There's no town to look down upon, but there is, far off in the distance, what reminds him of the market square and its weekend dances. He can hear the faintest wisp of music traveling up the hill, outmatched by the hum of cicadas.

[He cups her cheek with his hand. His thumb runs gently over it.]

I will always save your life.

[Aubrey surfaces to (who else?) Eren, Eren Jaeger. His thumb on her cheek. If she wasn’t so exhausted the softness might have tugged at her; as-is, he wipes away her despair.]

I’ll save yours, too. [She feels lightheaded. Her throat’s still raw, but she manages this much.] Always. [Much as she can. She doesn’t want to think about the alternative.]

[Aubrey takes in an unsteady breath. The world ended, and she’s still here. Eren’s still here. He always will be.]

[The shift in scenery registers, faintly, fireflies flickering in the periphery. She only sees them as much as they illuminate Eren, and she studies his face. It’s nice to see him, finally, so… calm, while awake. Took long enough for her to notice. They’re still so close....]

Where, ah… [She clears her throat, tries to get some of the hoarseness out. There’s a dull throb from the crying jag and it leaves Aubrey looking utterly exhausted; she tells herself it’s not the bad kind. It doesn’t have to be. They’e somewhere else, now.] Where are we?

[Even with the question, her eyes don’t leave him.]

Edited 2023-10-03 05:39 (UTC)

[She’s calm. He’s calm. The night is peaceful, and war is far away. Eren’s hand doesn’t leave Aubrey’s cheek, thumb still gently stroking. There’s a pleasant, aching tightness in his chest. He’s only felt something like this a handful of times; it’s never felt quite like this.

[He glances up, moving only his eyes. They go back to Aubrey mere moments later.]

This tree - it’s a special place to me.

I haven’t seen it in a long time…

[Memories of treasured friends; reading Armin’s book, falling asleep in Mikasa’s lap…A breeze whips up that flows past them, making the messy strands of Eren’s hair float up.

[He and Aubrey have just made each other their responsibilities…]

[She’ll take this responsibility to her grave.]

[Aubrey follows Eren’s glance up, at the moon’s spotlight through the tree. No wonder she could see him so clearly, even if her eyes are still bleary and tired.... It might have been embarrassing, with her face still red, but Eren’s voice and hand keep that at bay, too.]

[Although it’d be nice to survey the hill a little more, maybe try to see where that music’s coming from… that’d mean moving her head, and she doesn’t want Eren to stop. So Aubrey’s full attention settles back on him, his quiet nostalgia. It’s a little funny to see his messy strands float up like that; Aubrey doesn’t quite smile, but there’s a trace of one in her eyes as she finally wills one hand to leave him, only to brush those strands aside.]

[There’s a faint confusion with the breeze, too, like she’s forgotten something. Maybe best not to dwell on it…?]

This is nice. [Aubrey’s voice is still soft. She is, theoretically, talking about the place. Her gaze is fixed on the gentle storm of his eyes, instead.] Really nice....

[It is nice. It's very nice. It's the nicest he's felt in years, at least; such a frightening feeling too, for how swiftly it could all end, and for how quickly it came up in the first place. The chaos of the last few hours feels dangerously far away. Is this another effect of this strange universe?

[He knows that it isn't. This is something far more terrifying. This is hope. The word festers in his gut. It can't be real; hope is dead and so is he. But Aubrey's cheek is warm under his hand, and the cicadas are buzzing, and the leaves of his tree are rustling in the breeze, and music from a phantom Shiganshina is humming in the distance.

[This moment may never come again; it's most likely that it won't. "Temporary". Wasn't he the one who said so? His heart aches at that. He's never been one to feel content with a simple life, but maybe if things had been different, he could have sat under this tree every night and felt at peace like this...

[He could pretend, just for a few minutes, that this is all there is to life, couldn't he?

[Subtly, gently, he shifts his hand to better hold the side of Aubrey's face. He leans in until their noses are brushing, then pressing together. His neck and arms break out with cold goosebumps, and his stomach flips just like he really were nothing more than nineteen.

[He kisses her. It's the freest thing he's ever done.]

[Her heart skips a beat when he shifts. She knows what’s coming just before it does—their faces closer, touching, and then—!]

[Nothing else matters.]

[Without protest, Aubrey shuts her eyes and loses herself to her lips on Eren Jaeger’s, his hold on her face, their breathing and their heartbeat. Her hands travel to his jawline, cupping him, pulling in as she tilts her head into the kiss, as if they can’t get close enough. Faintly she notices the goosebumps. Cute.]

[It’s nothing like the fumbled blushes and cold sweats of the movies, at least not to her. She always thought it might be, but… no. This is all she wants. It’s all she can do, pressing her body onto him, starving for his warmth.]

[She won’t break it first. It is, she thinks, a wordless I love you.]

PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

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self-indulgent headcanon here

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