abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[To her? He shrugs, miserable.]

I'm just sorry.

["Sorry". Slowly, slowly beginning to grapple with the fact that he has to continue living under the weight of his sins; that would be more accurate.]

I did try. [He did try.] I wanted it to be different.

I did.

Did you try to live?

[It’s ridiculous as she says it. Who the hell would want to deal with that for the rest of their life? Oh. Wait.]

[If he answers, she doesn’t hear it.] No, forget it. [Aubrey paces again, incensed, sideways between tree and “town;” not here, not there.] You know, I called you a coward this time [“this time”—real, real funny, isn’t it?] because you’re here, you’re dead, and you’re not facing anyone you’ve hurt yet again.

[She stops, turned once more to Eren Jaeger. It would almost be easier if he was back to his old bullshit.] Guess it doesn’t matter, though, does it?

You’re stuck here. For good.

[With me.]

[Her words make Eren's throat seize with anxiety - sudden, stinging, suffocating. His head snaps up to look at her, and for a moment, he looks entirely helpless; Hell, he looks afraid.

[Did he try to live? Not at the end. Not once he knew that nothing could change. Still, hadn't he told Armin when he brought him to The Paths?]

I didn't want to die.

[He sounds desperate; he sounds pathetic.]

I want you. I want you. I still do. It hasn't changed.

[I can’t stand you. I can’t stand you. I can not stand you, Eren Jaeger—
[In a twist of mercy, those thoughts stay internal, if only because they’re a conscious farce. Is Operation Don’t-Get-Mad-at-Husband-Who-Probably-Just-Went-Through-Hell a resounding failure yet? Aubrey hates, hates to see him afraid like this; to see and hear him cry; to not know who, in any backwards world, she’s even talking to anymore, all the while completely unable to deny it’s the Eren she’s always known—known, loved, hated, hated to love, everything.]

[He didn’t! want! to die!]

[Aubrey’s going to lose it. She wants to kick his grave until it disappears, as if that’ll change anything.]

So that’s it? [And yet, she sounds suddenly drained.] We just… hang out, and wrestle with guilt for the rest of forever. [Which, well. Is that not what the long-term was going to be, anyway? Only difference is that now he’s cold. And yet warmer and truer than he’s ever been.]

[She can’t stay mad at him.]

Don’t die on me again.

I don't know.

[Finally, a small glimmer of the person he was the last time Aubrey had seen him. His fists are clenched around his pant legs, his teeth gritting momentarily; but it's really not quite like the Eren she knew - all of his anger is directed at himself, at his foolishness, at his rage, at the inevitably he created.

[He isn't looking at Aubrey.]

You...you have no idea what it means to live with this. Aubrey, I swear--

I wanted it to be different. I thought I could change it. I tried everything. I spent a lifetime trying.

[God, will he ever just rest? He curls in on himself, head hung low, hair falling all around him like a curtain.]

I didn't mean to leave you. I didn't want to leave you. If I could have stayed here forever, I would have.

[That's what will happen now, just as she's said; but it's different. 80% of the population has been crushed.]

I'll never be free. It doesn't matter what happens, or where I go, or who I am, or who I'm not.

I'll always be a fucking prisoner until the day I di-- [He cuts himself off - something between a laugh and a sob.]

Fuck...

None of it meant anything. Not one thing has changed.

[How could he have tried—
[He would have—…?
[And yet, they really are back here after all.]

[For a moment Aubrey’s not sure if that noise was hers or Eren’s. Finally, finally, she thinks to herself— Get over it. You’re not the one who’s dead. But everything said and done has been done and said, and god fucking dammit they will truly never rest.]

[Deserved. Not deserved. Who cares.]

[She returns to the tree, head bowed, and sits back down in the grass at Eren’s side. Aubrey stares at the grass, actually, like it’s the most interesting thing the world has to offer. If eighty percent of it was gone, that’d be just about everywhere in sight but the tree, wouldn’t it?]

[Defeated, she throws an arm over Eren’s back.]

You’re just human.

[The only “just” there ever was.]

[He doesn't want her arm around him. He doesn't deserve it. At the moment of his death, he'd been grateful to see Armin one last time, to wrap his arms around him, to be loved more than he'd ever been loved before he could never feel it himself again.

[Now, faced with an endless eternity of repentance, he can only feel hatred again. That is his real master; that is what burnt the world down. He feels it around his throat like a collar, slowly strangling him. She should hate him. Why doesn't she hate him? Why can't she just hate him so he can rest?

[Aubrey won't set him free either. 'This is Hell. And you're stuck with me.'

[He curls in tighter, knuckles digging into his brow bone. 'Pick yourself up. Stop fucking crying. Wasn't it easier when you didn't feel anything? Set her free, Eren. Just let her forget you.']

[At first it sounds like a command. Then, a warning.]

[Aubrey grabs him, the arm around his back curling tighter and the other swinging across his shoulder. It’s not a hug; it’s not not one, even as she can’t look at him.]

No.

I just told you not to die again, dipshit. [Been a while since she insulted him, huh? It’s hard to imagine loving him more than she does in this strange, terrifying moment.] I’m not going anywhere. And I will never forget you.

[Her grip squeezes tighter.] Not in a million years.

[At this, he truly does feel hatred; this time, it's for this fucked up little home they've settled into - where his thoughts can't remain his own, where memories are broadcast on display, where nothing is sacred, and everything matters.]

I didn't mean for you to hear that. [He's speaking through gritted teeth. As if she needs to be told; still, it's an expression of frustration.

[He wasn't supposed to have to deal with this pain.]

Hell with it. [She doesn’t let go.] We’ll find the pattern. We can.

[She pries for a hand. Cold or not, it’s hers to the end.] We will.

[To his credit, he lets her take his hands. His fingers lace with her as easy as anything. He meant his promise. His vow is still his bond. She's still Aubrey Jaeger, his love, his wife, his Detriment.

[Still, he'd...forgotten her, somehow, when he'd gone back home. Maybe it's best not to let on about that yet...]

Behold my oath, Aubrey...

[His voice hasn't lost its frustration; still, he's...awake now. He'd struggle to maintain that former coldness even if he tried. Will he ever be able to shut himself off again? He shouldn't want to; it's tempting, though, if he has to suffer this Hell of his own making for the rest of all eternity...]

I haven't forgotten.

['She's here. At least she's here.']

Edited 2023-11-06 03:47 (UTC)

[That’s more like it.]

[Despite the frustration in Eren’s voice, the tension drains from Aubrey’s shoulders with his reassurance, spoken and otherwise. It’s embarrassing how quickly that calms her, really.]

[She lets herself lean on him, somewhat. He’s killed billions....]

You have my unwavering love. [Nonetheless. Even if his hands aren’t warm as they used to be.]

[Silence, for a bit. Just Aubrey’s breath and Eren’s—yeah? He must be breathing, even if it’s shallow… She can convince herself he is.]

Hey, Eren…

[She tries to meet his eyes. It’s a soft question, but not without purpose.]
What… is freedom, to you?

[He is decidedly not breathing.

[Eren meets her eyes. His aren't the eyes that she's used to; maybe seen once or twice, in moments where his own walls started to crumble - nothing more. His face is expressive - anxious, frustrated, perplexed. He looks nineteen, and human, and real. He thinks he hates it. In some ways, it's a relief; in others, its own prison. He used to be honest once. That's the face he wears now.

[What is freedom to him? How can he define a concept he's only ever imagined?]

How could I possibly know how to answer that? [He doesn't sound frustrated; in fact, he sounds just a bit pleading.]

I've never known it. I never will.

Maybe it doesn't exist at all.

[He'd almost gotten back around to believing it did.

[Almost.]

If even death can't free you, then there's no answer. [Hopeless. That's it. That's how he sounds.]

I'm so tired...

[It strikes Aubrey just how young Eren looks; looks, is, was. Young and dead and pleading. He’s said freedom is a birthright; in that same conversation, that it’s fake. All this for an ideal he’s never touched.]

[He’s not the only one she’s talked with about this, though. Even if it was less direct....

[Aubrey doesn’t know if Armin is alive, or “alive,” or however he and Eren last spoke. For all she knows, the blade was his. So, after some consideration, she goes for a roundabout approach.]

You know, even if there’s no answer…

Maybe it’s up to us…?

[She wishes she could sound more certain. But there’s an echo of hope in it, still.]

[He's still feeling cynical; maybe he always will. He must look it too.]

You make it sound easy...

How could that be?

It… wasn’t my idea. [A careful admission. She won’t elaborate (well, world-intervention notwithstanding) unless Eren seems at all ready for it.]

But I think it can work, sometimes.

Then who's--

[Eren cuts off the question before he complete it. A dreadful realization washes over his shoulders. His eyes go wide.]

Aubrey. Are they still here?

[He doesn't elaborate on the "they" - he shouldn't have to.]

[Her answer wouldn’t change:] I don’t know.

Ever since we talked in the barracks, I haven’t seen… anyone. [The hesitation isn’t evasive; it’s honest, and it’s aching.] Until now.

[Instantly, there's a lump in Eren's throat. He chokes it down, and its audible.

[He wants to be with them - Armin, Mikasa. He wants to be with them so badly.

[Even Reiner, if he could only talk to him-- God, he has no animosity left; hurt, sure - there will always be hurt - but if he could only just see his face up close, hear his voice. The way he left, and left, and left...

[But he came back. He did his part. He helped to free him.]

You were alone...

[How long was she alone?

[He wants to put his arms around her. Goddammit, she's his wife. He does.]

I meant what I said.

I didn't want to leave.

[He knows that he didn't make that clear; he couldn't - but now...]

I won't now. I can't.

[Eren’s good at choking down lumps.

[“You were alone.” Aubrey’s not.]

[She forces herself to look up at that clear, cloudless sky and tries to take Eren’s words to heart. Whether she believes him or not (and she does want to), it’s true; he’s here now, and he couldn’t go back if he wanted. He’s the one who died.]

I-it’s like I said… [A swallow, and an unsteady breath.] If I see anyone else again, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you a-as soon as I—

[It doesn’t work. She leans on him, fully, as her throat constricts. Her grip on his hands tightens, shaking. Stubbornly, she doesn’t want the world to say this for her, so she chokes it out:] I thought I’d lost you. A-all of you.

But… especially you....

[Eren's used to feeling shame; not like this.

[The longer he sits here beside her, the clearer his memories of this world become. They knelt in a circle of candles, a hand on each chest, murmuring vows while shadows flickered on the walls.

[This is his wife. This is the woman he swore to protect. He promised to stay beside her. He devoted his life. And then he disappeared.

[He pulls Aubrey against his chest, clutching her head, kissing the top of it.]

I'm sorry...

['I'm so sorry...']

[That’s it. She’s done. Aubrey clings to Eren and sobs into his chest, as if she hasn’t drained herself doing this a thousand times already. He’s not as warm as he used to be, but he’s back, damn it. It’s really him....]

It’s okay.... I-it’s… okay.... [She really does hate how she sounds like this, shuddering and squeaking like a faucet gone awry. But she wants Eren to hear this from her, not some thought-insertion.] I… I forgive you.

I know you didn’t mean it.

[That he wouldn’t hurt her, at least. There’s a nagging voice that insists he meant to go back, sooner or later; always did, always would. This world follows intention, sometimes, after all. But whether Eren could help that or not… well. Here they are.]

[Something doesn’t let her indulge long, after that thought. Aubrey pulls back, hardly out of his arms but just enough to wipe her eyes, try to talk normally again.] Besides… about freedom, and answers… I made it my purpose to find you. [She tries to smile. Doesn’t quite manage.] I guess it finally worked.

[There's plenty to feel guilty for. Billions of lives, crushed due to his own foolish hubris.

[Aubrey matters more. The people that Eren loves will always matter more. That's just who he is.

[He lets her cry. He holds her. When she starts to move away, he almost pulls her back, but then she tries to smile, and she can't, and he wants so desperately to see it that he feels like he might shatter himself.

["I made it my purpose to find you." Now, Aubrey can be his purpose too - his only purpose, the only thing that's left, the only thing that matters, that should have ever mattered.

[Maybe he'll never find freedom, but he can find her - again and again and again, however many times it takes.

[He takes her face in his hands again, sea green eyes earnest and strong. If love like this was the only thing he'd sought back home, maybe he could have been happy.

[Can they find happiness together - even in a place like this?]

I will be your purpose.

['Behold my vow.']

You will be mine.

[There’s something monstrous about how quickly they can dismiss those billions of lives, isn’t there? It’s a literal world away, and they’re here. Seems no one can mix comfort and misery like Eren, like Aubrey, one to the other faster than a blade. What have they done to deserve it? Who cares whether they do? They’re really made for each other, aren’t they?]

[A protest dies in Aubrey’s throat as Eren takes her face in his hands again; it’s impossible to voice when his touch is soft enough to strangle it. She holds his face in turn, cradling his cheeks to his jaw as if any moment Eren might fall apart. It’s hard to meet his eyes. She hasn’t noticed yet if his neck is still marked.]

You looked so peaceful…

[She interrupted it.
[I don’t deserve you.]

That’s all I want for you.

[Can you really find it here?]

["Billions of lives" is something that Eren Jaeger has been able to compartmentalize for a while now; it's worth mentioning that that's becoming harder to do.

[She's right. 'No one deserves this.'

[He looked peace. He felt peaceful. He felt free, if only for that sweet moment between death and waking.]

There was peace...[He averts his eyes again, that same thoughtful, foreign expression on his face, as if he's still trying to process everything - how couldn't he be?]

More peace than I'd ever known...

[Can he really find it again? He has no idea.]

But I don't deserve that.

[He wants it. He wants it desperately. 'I'm so tired.']

I don't deserve any of this.

['We both know that.']

PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

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