abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[She's angry...

[It makes sense. How long was he gone as far as Aubrey's concerned? His brain is still trying to recalibrate to where he is, what's happened, what's to happen now...

[In his defense, he has...quite a bit else on his mind. How couldn't he? And still, he feels half asleep in his peace. He doesn't react to her anger the way he might have the last time he saw her, or a thousand more times before that.

[She won't like what he has to say. He knows that too...But he feels prepared for it, somehow. Just like when he was telling Armin--

[Is Armin...still here too?]

I went [not "home"] back.

I didn't mean to. It just happened...

[And then...it happened...He feels like he's been gone a thousand years, actually.]

[The last ti— the previous time they talked, before this one, not the last—Eren just kept talking like he would go, someday, inevitably. And then that day… happened. And Aubrey can believe him, that he didn’t mean to leave her in the wake of a vow twice. They were doing so much better. This world is just… cruel.

[So is his.]

[The ire gives way to something else. Aubrey doesn’t let Eren go, but…]

Then you did it.

You found freedom.

[Eren takes her words with a deep breath. It's tempting to agree; it's not untrue, really, but...it's not as beautiful as she makes it sound.

[She should know that.

[Slowly, he drops his hands from her face, his gaze dropping with them. His forehead still frowns, whether in concentration or something else. The truth isn't an easy thing, but there's nothing left to hide from anymore.

[He'd lose her either way if he said nothing. The memories of this world and its capabilities are rapidly flooding back. He couldn't hide it if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to. That's the thing.]

Eighty percent...

[It's a quiet confession. He doesn't continue just yet; lost too deeply in the thought to verbalize it.]

[It’s impossible to forget that he’s the end of the world.

[That was the thing, wasn’t it? As long as he was here, he would not crush the world flat under his heel. Aubrey would be kidding herself if she said keeping him was some kind of noble action, anything more than her own warped neuroses and love and everything, everything they’ve been through here. His own self-destruction, by now, concerned her more than anything. They’re just selfish people, like that.

[Phrasing it like his own delusions, “freedom”… a mercy, of sorts. A nod towards keeping the peace.

[But his self-destruction has always had a body count.]

[“Eighty percent.”]

[Her hands drop, abruptly, instead of doing something else.]

[She doesn’t say anything.]

[As her hands drop, Eren nods; it's a small, subtle thing - an acknowledgement, an understanding.

[He's the monster he always said he was. And nothing could have prevented it - not Aubrey, not his friends, not himself.

[And he tried. He tried. How many hundreds of times did he try?]

The outside world's population was dropped to the same of Paradis Island.

I killed...[He's still looking at his hands, turning them palm up, flexing them. Aubrey's ring, her mark, are still emblazoned upon his skin. He's grateful for that...]...billions.

[Unfathomable.]

[Numbers are abstract things. Here’s a year; only important for calendars, really. Here’s a date; just another day, and probably forgettable all in all. Time, even place, doesn’t matter here. People do. Here’s a handful: faces she’s known, missed, longed for, here or there. A soldier could name even more, and they could maybe fill a city, and they’d all be mourned. But here’s a thousand people: they’re a crowd at a distance, good as faceless. Millions? A statistic. Billions? Forget it.

[Here’s one person: his name is Eren Jaeger, and he’s the end of the world.]

[How the fuck do you wrap your head around that?
[Aubrey doesn’t feel like laughing.]

[Just as abruptly, she stands up. Starts walking away. Stops, turns back, steps to the grave. No, back down the hill, Shiga— …where a town should be—]

[She faces Eren.]
You’re a coward.

[Eren raises his head to watch Aubrey pace. She calls him a coward, but...

[He shakes his head.]

No. I'm worse than that...

It wasn't fear. Not really.

[It's much more difficult to explain than he's making it sound, but without all of the context that Armin had, can he really make Aubrey understand...?]

It was inevitable. That's still true, but...

It's my fault.

[There's a pause. She might walk away from him forever after this...]

I wanted to.

[It makes sense. It doesn’t make sense. That’s Eren Jaeger. Aubrey doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about; she suspects it doesn’t matter.]

[—at least, until he says “I wanted to.”]

“You wanted to?”

[Who the hell is she talking to?]

[There's no coldness to his expression. To Aubrey, he must look entirely unlike himself, frowning back at his hands again, tears starting to brim in his eyes. How could he possibly explain? She wouldn't buy it if he did; he has no choice but to try.]

I wanted to. I was angry. I had power.

I lost control...

[Again and again and again...

[He watches his fists close tight, then release. He looks back up at Aubrey, half-expecting a slap in the face. He'd deserve it.]

I tried to stop it...

I tried a thousand times.

Nothing worked.

[He knows that it must not make sense. "I wanted to" and "I tried to stop it". But it doesn't seem quite safe to go into detail yet. He's not even sure if Aubrey is still listening.]

There are things you don't know. [Can he settle for that?] They don't matter. Nothing could have changed it.

It was all set in motion before I even realized what was happening. From that day...

It was all my fault.

[Once again, slow tears roll down his cheeks.]

I'm sorry.

[Aubrey listens. She stands back, and watches tears roll down his cheeks as he sits, dumb and young, beneath that tree, by his own grave.]

[He’s said things before, maybe, that made this sound inevitable. Bullshit, not bullshit; at this point, who cares? What swims in her head isn’t the conversations they’ve had—it’s whether she wants to deck him or hug him.]

[Eren Jaeger is crying. Guilty.]

[It’s the apology that does it.]

Why are you saying this to me?

[Because he’s dead, obviously. That’s just the damn thing.]

[To her? He shrugs, miserable.]

I'm just sorry.

["Sorry". Slowly, slowly beginning to grapple with the fact that he has to continue living under the weight of his sins; that would be more accurate.]

I did try. [He did try.] I wanted it to be different.

I did.

Did you try to live?

[It’s ridiculous as she says it. Who the hell would want to deal with that for the rest of their life? Oh. Wait.]

[If he answers, she doesn’t hear it.] No, forget it. [Aubrey paces again, incensed, sideways between tree and “town;” not here, not there.] You know, I called you a coward this time [“this time”—real, real funny, isn’t it?] because you’re here, you’re dead, and you’re not facing anyone you’ve hurt yet again.

[She stops, turned once more to Eren Jaeger. It would almost be easier if he was back to his old bullshit.] Guess it doesn’t matter, though, does it?

You’re stuck here. For good.

[With me.]

[Her words make Eren's throat seize with anxiety - sudden, stinging, suffocating. His head snaps up to look at her, and for a moment, he looks entirely helpless; Hell, he looks afraid.

[Did he try to live? Not at the end. Not once he knew that nothing could change. Still, hadn't he told Armin when he brought him to The Paths?]

I didn't want to die.

[He sounds desperate; he sounds pathetic.]

I want you. I want you. I still do. It hasn't changed.

[I can’t stand you. I can’t stand you. I can not stand you, Eren Jaeger—
[In a twist of mercy, those thoughts stay internal, if only because they’re a conscious farce. Is Operation Don’t-Get-Mad-at-Husband-Who-Probably-Just-Went-Through-Hell a resounding failure yet? Aubrey hates, hates to see him afraid like this; to see and hear him cry; to not know who, in any backwards world, she’s even talking to anymore, all the while completely unable to deny it’s the Eren she’s always known—known, loved, hated, hated to love, everything.]

[He didn’t! want! to die!]

[Aubrey’s going to lose it. She wants to kick his grave until it disappears, as if that’ll change anything.]

So that’s it? [And yet, she sounds suddenly drained.] We just… hang out, and wrestle with guilt for the rest of forever. [Which, well. Is that not what the long-term was going to be, anyway? Only difference is that now he’s cold. And yet warmer and truer than he’s ever been.]

[She can’t stay mad at him.]

Don’t die on me again.

I don't know.

[Finally, a small glimmer of the person he was the last time Aubrey had seen him. His fists are clenched around his pant legs, his teeth gritting momentarily; but it's really not quite like the Eren she knew - all of his anger is directed at himself, at his foolishness, at his rage, at the inevitably he created.

[He isn't looking at Aubrey.]

You...you have no idea what it means to live with this. Aubrey, I swear--

I wanted it to be different. I thought I could change it. I tried everything. I spent a lifetime trying.

[God, will he ever just rest? He curls in on himself, head hung low, hair falling all around him like a curtain.]

I didn't mean to leave you. I didn't want to leave you. If I could have stayed here forever, I would have.

[That's what will happen now, just as she's said; but it's different. 80% of the population has been crushed.]

I'll never be free. It doesn't matter what happens, or where I go, or who I am, or who I'm not.

I'll always be a fucking prisoner until the day I di-- [He cuts himself off - something between a laugh and a sob.]

Fuck...

None of it meant anything. Not one thing has changed.

[How could he have tried—
[He would have—…?
[And yet, they really are back here after all.]

[For a moment Aubrey’s not sure if that noise was hers or Eren’s. Finally, finally, she thinks to herself— Get over it. You’re not the one who’s dead. But everything said and done has been done and said, and god fucking dammit they will truly never rest.]

[Deserved. Not deserved. Who cares.]

[She returns to the tree, head bowed, and sits back down in the grass at Eren’s side. Aubrey stares at the grass, actually, like it’s the most interesting thing the world has to offer. If eighty percent of it was gone, that’d be just about everywhere in sight but the tree, wouldn’t it?]

[Defeated, she throws an arm over Eren’s back.]

You’re just human.

[The only “just” there ever was.]

[He doesn't want her arm around him. He doesn't deserve it. At the moment of his death, he'd been grateful to see Armin one last time, to wrap his arms around him, to be loved more than he'd ever been loved before he could never feel it himself again.

[Now, faced with an endless eternity of repentance, he can only feel hatred again. That is his real master; that is what burnt the world down. He feels it around his throat like a collar, slowly strangling him. She should hate him. Why doesn't she hate him? Why can't she just hate him so he can rest?

[Aubrey won't set him free either. 'This is Hell. And you're stuck with me.'

[He curls in tighter, knuckles digging into his brow bone. 'Pick yourself up. Stop fucking crying. Wasn't it easier when you didn't feel anything? Set her free, Eren. Just let her forget you.']

[At first it sounds like a command. Then, a warning.]

[Aubrey grabs him, the arm around his back curling tighter and the other swinging across his shoulder. It’s not a hug; it’s not not one, even as she can’t look at him.]

No.

I just told you not to die again, dipshit. [Been a while since she insulted him, huh? It’s hard to imagine loving him more than she does in this strange, terrifying moment.] I’m not going anywhere. And I will never forget you.

[Her grip squeezes tighter.] Not in a million years.

[At this, he truly does feel hatred; this time, it's for this fucked up little home they've settled into - where his thoughts can't remain his own, where memories are broadcast on display, where nothing is sacred, and everything matters.]

I didn't mean for you to hear that. [He's speaking through gritted teeth. As if she needs to be told; still, it's an expression of frustration.

[He wasn't supposed to have to deal with this pain.]

Hell with it. [She doesn’t let go.] We’ll find the pattern. We can.

[She pries for a hand. Cold or not, it’s hers to the end.] We will.

[To his credit, he lets her take his hands. His fingers lace with her as easy as anything. He meant his promise. His vow is still his bond. She's still Aubrey Jaeger, his love, his wife, his Detriment.

[Still, he'd...forgotten her, somehow, when he'd gone back home. Maybe it's best not to let on about that yet...]

Behold my oath, Aubrey...

[His voice hasn't lost its frustration; still, he's...awake now. He'd struggle to maintain that former coldness even if he tried. Will he ever be able to shut himself off again? He shouldn't want to; it's tempting, though, if he has to suffer this Hell of his own making for the rest of all eternity...]

I haven't forgotten.

['She's here. At least she's here.']

Edited 2023-11-06 03:47 (UTC)

[That’s more like it.]

[Despite the frustration in Eren’s voice, the tension drains from Aubrey’s shoulders with his reassurance, spoken and otherwise. It’s embarrassing how quickly that calms her, really.]

[She lets herself lean on him, somewhat. He’s killed billions....]

You have my unwavering love. [Nonetheless. Even if his hands aren’t warm as they used to be.]

[Silence, for a bit. Just Aubrey’s breath and Eren’s—yeah? He must be breathing, even if it’s shallow… She can convince herself he is.]

Hey, Eren…

[She tries to meet his eyes. It’s a soft question, but not without purpose.]
What… is freedom, to you?

[He is decidedly not breathing.

[Eren meets her eyes. His aren't the eyes that she's used to; maybe seen once or twice, in moments where his own walls started to crumble - nothing more. His face is expressive - anxious, frustrated, perplexed. He looks nineteen, and human, and real. He thinks he hates it. In some ways, it's a relief; in others, its own prison. He used to be honest once. That's the face he wears now.

[What is freedom to him? How can he define a concept he's only ever imagined?]

How could I possibly know how to answer that? [He doesn't sound frustrated; in fact, he sounds just a bit pleading.]

I've never known it. I never will.

Maybe it doesn't exist at all.

[He'd almost gotten back around to believing it did.

[Almost.]

If even death can't free you, then there's no answer. [Hopeless. That's it. That's how he sounds.]

I'm so tired...

[It strikes Aubrey just how young Eren looks; looks, is, was. Young and dead and pleading. He’s said freedom is a birthright; in that same conversation, that it’s fake. All this for an ideal he’s never touched.]

[He’s not the only one she’s talked with about this, though. Even if it was less direct....

[Aubrey doesn’t know if Armin is alive, or “alive,” or however he and Eren last spoke. For all she knows, the blade was his. So, after some consideration, she goes for a roundabout approach.]

You know, even if there’s no answer…

Maybe it’s up to us…?

[She wishes she could sound more certain. But there’s an echo of hope in it, still.]

[He's still feeling cynical; maybe he always will. He must look it too.]

You make it sound easy...

How could that be?

PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)