abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

H-hah… [She’s not allowed to say she doesn’t want it.] But here we are.

[Is the look on Eren’s face… familiar? Through blurred vision and all.... If he starts shaking again, Aubrey’s actually going to lose it.]

[How did she feel about that?]

Confused. Terrified. A-at first. [Was there room for much else? In the moment....]

[But that can’t be what the question’s asking.] Relieved. Cared for. [Decidedly not looking Eren’s way anymore.] Wanted.

“How did you feel watching her drop, Eren?”

[Eren takes a deep breath. The memory eats away at him from the inside. It’s such a familiar feeling; Hell, sometimes it seems like this very thing is all he truly feels.]

I was pissed. I wanted to bring that thing back just to tear it to shreds again.

[But…that isn’t all.]

I was afraid.

”Afraid of what?”

[Another slow breath. He’s trying to keep his cool.]

Aubrey isn’t like me.

I was afraid she would die. I wanted her to live.

[And so they’ve come full circle.]

[Aubrey doesn’t know what to say. Eren knows exactly how she feels about that decision and then some. He makes it sound straightforward now, easy—like his last comment before this place wasn’t like pulling teeth.]

[They really are stuck with each other, aren’t they?]

[She wants to smack him, make him stop talking. She knows she wouldn’t have it in her. She wants to hug him, thank him for everything. And she still, still, still doesn’t want to let go.]

“Why do you care? Really?”

[Seems that one’s for them both.]

I don’t want to be alone again. [It’s the quietest admission yet, from her.] Maybe that’s selfish. [She feels cold.] Maybe I don’t care if it is.

Edited (-rereads tag with awake brain- was overly vague again) 2023-10-01 16:43 (UTC)

[Eren listens. To think that someone like him could be the makeshift rememdy to someone's loneliness. It feels profoundly wrong. Not that Eren's any stranger to manipulating people, lying, causing arm; it still feels wrong. Not in a moral way - not entirely - just...wrong. They shouldn't fit together. He's not fit to be anyone's company, much less their only source.

[It's a matter of respect that he doesn't pry into what she's said. He merely nods, eyes on the buttons of the elevator, not Aubrey.

[Then, it's his turn to speak.]

I don't know why I care about you.

[For the first time since these questions have started, he's addressing Aubrey - "you," not "her". He still isn't looking at her.]

I've never been good at controlling that sort of thing.

[There is some real honesty. Something about his voice sounds...pained.]

I saw you dying. I'd have done anything to save you. Like you were one of my comrades.

But I don't know why. It doesn't make sense.

[A glance in her direction.]

It isn't that you're terrible. I'm not trying to insult you. I'm just telling you the truth.

[At first she thinks he’s bluffing. How can he not… know? They’re similar, aren’t they? Aubrey might be slow to trust at best, but when she does it’s hard and fast and it burns. Keeping distant hasn’t changed that; it just delays the inevitable. She doesn’t need to have a near-death experience to know that, to feel that.

[She can’t control it. Look where pretending not to care got her, got Basil. Got her and Eren, time and time and time again, in a buzzing box in purgatory.]

None taken. [That doesn’t feel compelled at all. Aubrey isn’t compelled to meet his pain, to study him with an intense, profound quiet that she did as he slept by her side. She’s not compelled to grip at her own arm like she’s grasping for a pulse.

[She does, anyway.] Really. I think…

[She knows. It might be the most damning thing of all.] …it didn’t have to be you.

[Eren looks at her. He looks human. His expression is genuinely perplexed, eyebrows scrunched over green-blue eyes.]

What do you mean?

[He doesn't understand the sentiment, but...there's something about it that he doesn't like. "It didn't have to be you." The one that saved her? The one that she cares about?

[He wants to be those things.]

[Something gives Aubrey the sense she should tread carefully. Maybe it’s Eren Jaeger, looking human as he ever has.

[But none of this has ever made any real sense, has it? She just speaks from the heart, as if it’s ever been possible not to.]

You didn’t have to talk to me. You didn’t have to save me.

You’re not completely terrible. [An echo of a smile, a joke.] But… come on.

I felt like I had no one. [The smile drops and her focus strays, empty, somewhere towards the wall past Eren.] It’s really pathetic....

[Not intentionally evasive. She thinks this is obvious enough.]

[Something inside of Eren bristles. He thinks about what might have happened if someone else had been there instead. What Eren feels is illogical. If he'd never talked to Aubrey, he wouldn't care less whether she lived or died; but he did talk to Aubrey, and he does care, and she is his problem, no one else's, and that's how it should be--

[Why? Why does he feel this way? When did this begin?]

You did have no one. It did have to be me.

[His expression has fallen back into vague irritation. His voice sounds tight.

[He doesn't stop to consider the deeper implications of the statement; he doesn't stop to think about how it makes him sound like some foolish hero, swooping in to protect any weak and lonely person he meets. That's never quite been Eren. But he will save his friends...He will nurse a comrade back to health in a freezing barracks.

[It did have to be him, because he's who was there, and he's who Aubrey met, and he's the one who trapped her in this strange, buzzing box because he couldn't stand to watch her walk away.]

You wish it had been someone else?

[Yeah. He bets she does...]

[Oh, what… the hell....]

[Aubrey’s lip pulls into a frown. She looks back at Eren, genuinely baffled. She was being dramatic… or, not really, the feeling was true. But she wasn’t alone in that hallway—she just never got to see the rest.]

I got. stuck, here.

[Talking to him. Faintly, the counter-voice: “It’s not entirely impossible…”
—No. No, they’re even. If Eren had some ulterior motive it would’ve surfaced by now. But to think that… does he really believe…?]

Eren. [There’s an edge to Aubrey’s voice now, a wariness. She’s reminded that, if nothing else, Eren trapped her in this elevator cackling, and she stands.] I had other friends. I had a life.

You came out of nowhere.

Edited 2023-10-01 21:21 (UTC)

[The "other" preceding "friends" is completely missed. Eren glares at her, and it's a black, dark, evil thing.

["I had a life." Maybe Eren can't say the same.

[Fuck. Fuck! He really can't say the same, can he? He had a goal. That's it. A fight to win, a grudge to burn out, retribution to unleash - and it all matters, it's all that's ever really mattered, but he is not the one with a life he's just aching to return to, is he?

[She doesn't need him. She doesn't even want him. It's all on Eren's side. It's all--

[He jumps up from the floor, so sudden it makes the elevator rock. There's rage in his eyes.]

You ungrateful bitch. I could have let you die. I could have given you everything you wanted. I could kill you now - I could kill you whenever I want.

[But he won't. He doesn't want her to die. They've already established that.]

I've wasted every moment of my time on you. I've protected you. I've told you the truth.

Do you hate me that much? I don't. Fucking. Believe you.

[There’s something about Eren’s anger that doesn’t phase her anymore. It’s a jumpscare; he’s abrupt, he’s enraged, and Aubrey does flinch from the surprise alone (hard not to, the way he sends the room shaking)—but much as he spits venom, his words are impotent. They both know it. Why is he bothering with this?]

I— I wasn’t saying I hate you. [It’s disbelief on her face, more than anything, as Aubrey raises her hands; not high, not a full surrender, but a motion approaching it. What’s going on? Should she be concerned?] You know I can’t, for long— What don’t you believe?

[In her confusion, in turn, she barely takes note of “I could have given you everything you wanted.” But clearly, Eren doesn’t know what she wants at all....]

[There's a sudden, desperate, "I have to get out of here," feeling. Eren is so used to hiding, running, lying - he can't do this. He can't. Do this. And he knows just as well as Aubrey that those doors are not going to fucking open no matter what they do.]

I don't believe that you're counting down the minutes, waiting until you never have to see my face again.

[He's shoving words into her mouth with no basis; it's purely accusatory, unfounded, insecurity surfacing like an eruption. And from where? Fuck. Maybe he's gotten too used to the idea that his friends will remain loyal no matter what he says or does. He doesn't like that she doesn't fit into that box.]

"Why are you angry, Eren?"

[Eren whips around and slams his fist into the row of buttons, several of their caps popping off and clattering to the floor.

[He doesn't quite answer, but--]

It must be nice to have somewhere to return to! It must be nice to have a life you want.

[He's bitter, bitter, bitter, burning, burning, burning - he needs to get out of here, he wants to be free, he wants to be free!

[His chest is heaving for breath. He needs to calm down. He's lost all his dignity now; there's nothing but shame and rage left. He lets out an incredulous laugh. His eyes go back to Aubrey, burning. His voice is quieter, but there's no less hatred to it.]

You're stuck here. I'm stuck here. We both have nothing now. You want me to leave you? Tell the truth, Aubrey.

"Do you want him to leave you, Aubrey?"

[Maybe Aubrey wasn’t quite right, thinking of Eren like a rabid animal. His fist collides with the buttons, clattering, and a different word comes to mind:

[Caged.]

[She’s too stunned to answer his first statement, but what is there to say? Of course she’s not. He’s gnashing; there’s no bite. The idea that she’s had any chance to process the life she’s lost—it’s ludicrous. “A life you want”? Aubrey couldn’t have scrounged up the words if she had the chance. He knows she can’t believe in fairytales.]

[The monster howls and snarls and whines and thrashes, in circle after circle after circle, biting its own tail.

[It’s kind of sad.]

“You want me to leave you?”
[It didn’t have to be repeated.]

No.

[It’s not even desperate. Not dry. Simple statement.
[The snake is writhing, and it’s just… a really sorry sight.]

No, I. I don’t.

[She watches him from across the room.]

“Do you want her to leave you, Eren?”

Edited (added question tee hee) 2023-10-01 22:23 (UTC)

[Eren hates the question. He hates the question. As close as a human can get to legitimately roaring, he does this, slamming his fist into the doors again, and again, and again, and again - over and over until the metal is riddled with deep dents.]

Godammit, no!

[Ding!

[The door opens.]

[Just like a frightened, cornered animal, Eren rushes out of the cage, chest still heaving, right hand flexing anxiously - clench, unclench, twist, clench. The space around them is as vast and empty and featureless as always. He turns around to see if the elevator is there - if Aubrey is still there. He feels frantic.]

[And… there he goes.]

[Strangely, it doesn’t feel like a revelation at all.]

[Aubrey takes a moment, surveying the wreckage. The buttons. The metal. There’s nothing outside but him. Strange....]

[But she walks out. Steps out to Eren Jaeger, as he turns, and gives his clenching hand a squeeze. Just for a second. Doesn’t grab or linger.]

I’m here.

[He's still flexing his hand when she takes it. It's such a brief touch, but it sends an electric wave of goosebumps up his arm anyway. He stares at her. He stares at her for a long time.

[He looks...young. Nineteen. Frightened. Confused.]

I can't do this.

[He backs away. He stares. He turns to leave.

[Just like that, Aubrey is alone.]

PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

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