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[Maruki might not know what's wrong, but he knows that something's wrong, evidenced by that light squeeze to the arm. There's some comfort to that, somehow. Eren and Maruki used to talk for hours upon hours every single day. Eren's not sure that he could manage more than a few sentences now.

[Maruki understands anyway. They'll learn how to communicate with a glance once again. Eren trusts him implicitly, even now.

[He sits at the bar. The Machiya looks about as ostentatious as the farmhouse, but Eren hasn't been at all startled by the environmental changes of Somnius. He spent a long time here, recognizes what should be out of place. He's able to digest the Machiya for that reason - could come to like it, even, so long as Maruki is here.

[He pushes the image of Akechi Goro out of his mind. His heart isn't ready yet.]

This place has all sorts of food, doesn't it? [But, no. No requests, as expected.]

I'll eat anything. I can't remember the last time I did. [Days, at least. Years? Millenia?]

[No closer, no farther; such is Hythlodaeus, and it's grace. Eren's always suspected that Hythlodaeus longed more than he would admit, but he was grateful for that. Eren couldn't explain what makes him come to care for someone, but it's never been through having it shoved down his throat.

[Their hands are intertwined. Eren doesn't move his away. An anxious habit, he's always twisting and flexing that hand; with Hythlodaeus as an anchor, he merely squeezes, and without really noticing.

[It's a peaceful moment, for all the turmoil in his head. That's what Hythlodaeus brings. Just a few moments of peace at a time.]

Do I look like him now? The Eren you met first.

[Foggy green eyes shift sideways to Hythlodaeus.]

This isn't our first time together. That's right, isn't it?

[ It gives him pause for just a moment; how long has it been since Eren got to do something as simple as enjoy a meal? He'll never know. Neither of them will. It may not feel like much, but it is. These simple things that he can do for Eren matter. They must.

And simple might truly be best. The machiya came wonderfully equipped, just as it would have been back home; there is always warm rice in the rice cooker, always leftover miso soup that can be reheated. Maruki pulls the pot out of the fridge, sets it on the stove and continues rooting around the kitchen for more as he speaks, his tone light. ]

One day, I'm going to ask someone that question and they're going to say to me, "actually, Maruki-sensei, yes! I have a whole menu to request from you, and I want it cooked exactly to my preferences. Chop chop, chef." But until then, you're all infuriatingly easy to feed.

[ He glances up, smiling wryly. ]

I'm only teasing.

[ Eren never laughed before, and he absolutely won't now, but it doesn't matter. It never made Maruki treat him any differently. With the people he cares for, he's affectionate and sarcastic in equal measure. ]

[Would that Eren could be charmed into laughter by the funniest, most earnest, most genuine person he knows (not to everyone, maybe, but when it matters, certainly), but those days are long gone.

[He wishes he could at least smile, if only to let Maruki know that he doesn't mind. If Maruki stopped making stupid jokes, whatever's left of Eren's heart would most certainly break. It already does so often; hurts the same every time.]

Sensei. What's that one?

[ That's the thing, though, isn't it? Maruki has never needed Eren to smile, or to laugh. He's never once tried to force it. He jokes and prods and messes around because it's fun, not because he wants to draw a reaction out of Eren. However he is is exactly how he ought to be.

Maruki smiles wide enough for both of them as he stirs the soup and dishes up a bowl of rice. ]

It's an honorific for a teacher, or a doctor. Someone who's an expert in their field. There are a few people here who use it for me and it's always oddly flattering...

[ Idle chitchat. Maruki hums as he lays two bowls each of rice and soup out on the counter, western utensils for Eren. Just as he's removing the apron to come around and sit with him, he freezes in place, mouth dropping open momentarily: ]

Oh! Wait, hold on, there's–

[ He whips around, hands flying up into the air in triumph as he spots a little brown paper sack. Success! They weren't all eaten this morning.

He produces from it a single croissant, brings it to Eren as he joins him at the counter. ]

It isn't freshly baked, it's from early this morning, but– you always liked them, right?

[Eren's about to ask about the difference in utensils (those are just sticks?) when Maruki, quite abruptly, turns around with his arms up in the air. Eren's not sure he's ever seen him act so much like a kid. He really is happy to see him. Happy to give him this...bread, also.

[There's not more than a twitch to his brow as he eyes the croissant, but it does relay some confusion.]

I guess...

[Bread is just bread - usually hard and lumpy and tasteless. He's not expecting much as he takes a bite.

[Eyes subtly widen. He stares at the oddly-shaped confection. It's good. He remembers now...]

That's right. [Mutters a curse under his breath and takes another bite, swallows.]

Everyone here eats like they're rich. [Ah, but...]

I delivered food.

[ A little pride swells in Maruki's chest; such simple things can help jog his memory, too. They don't have to rehash everything to death. They can just– exist. Just be. It really will help Eren. He wasn't wrong.

He murmurs a quick thank you over the food before digging in, nodding through a spoonful of soup. ]

You did. You ran a whole business. I think you hated aspects of that, though.

[ No, he knows. Maruki shrugs, another warm, hearty spoonful, then sets it down. ]

I took over cooking while you were gone. I'll probably keep that up... But you don't have to go back to work. Everyone has it handled.

[Well, thank Ymir for that, because:]

I don't want to.

[Time to finish this croissant. Fuck Thermopolycule-- Eh. Some combination of words people were always throwing at him.]

It made me angry that so many people here wouldn't feed themselves despite all the food. That's why.

[Croissant break.]

Let them starve.

[ Maruki laughs.

A short sound that shocks out of his solar plexus as he drops the chopsticks from his mouth to look over at Eren, eyes widening behind his glasses. ]

You– oh, you're serious.

[ Not judgmental. Almost... relieved, actually. ]

I kind of thought that might be the reason you did it, more than anything else. You were so irritated with me about that when I first arrived. I quickly understood why, of course.

[ He waves his free hand as if clearing the thoughts from the air. ]

Regardless! I know I have no stake in the business, but if I did, I certainly wouldn't blame you for leaving it behind. I'm sure Jean will be happy to handle it.

[ Is he sure of that? Not really. But, frankly, it doesn't matter to him. What matters is Eren doing whatever the hell he wants. No one will starve, because Thermo won't die with him, but he's allowed to say fuck it and go. ]

[She agrees. Eren used to ramble endlessly, thoughtlessly - about anything, even when he didn't understand what he was trying to say.

[It's so difficult now to use words when they haven't been recited, rehearsed, steeled into something cold and false. He doesn't want to give Aubrey cold, false.

[Some impulse overcomes him. The only warning is the slow ease with which he stoops down, hooks his arms beneath her thighs, and lifts her up until he's holding her, as effortless as picking up a ten-pound housecat.

[He'll let her cling - legs, arms, all of her. She can hold him truly and completely, and he'll support the weight. He wishes he could say the words, "I love you," but they still in his throat.

[He holds her tight, close, with a strong arm beneath, and the other around, hand gripping the back of her head.

[Whispers:] How could I ever walk away? [Then, now - how could he ever?]

[Jean? Happy? Eren sneers into his soup, lowering his head to take a bite.

[Jean has every right to hate him. Eren knows this.

[It hurts anyway. The last thing he wants is to be made a cage. He always allowed his friends their own autonomy - never altered their bodies or minds to keep them at bay. That was its own form of cruelty, but still...

[They're married. Eren loves him. He wants to be loved. Many have claimed that theirs is unconditional, but Eren's always known that isn't true.

[He's been quiet too long again, hand frozen, holding the spoon, eyes unfocused on the table.

[He used to tell Maruki almost anything. Not this, though. He wouldn't understand, Eren thinks. No one else but he or Jean could.

[A new thought comes to interrupt the static. Eren realizes something; lifts his head.]

You really aren't counseling anymore, then. Just cooking. [Two statements, but he waits for confirmation.]

[ Eren used to tell him almost anything, it's true. But not everything Maruki learned about him was through conversation. Observation and analysis have always been more important tools in his skillset than he thinks Eren has realized.

Asking if he visited the farm elicited a reaction. Mentioning Thermo and Jean elicits a reaction.

Noted.

He tears off a tiny corner of what's left of Eren's croissant to have a nibble himself. ]

I'm not counseling in any formal capacity, no. I won't start that again. I don't know how long I'll stick with cooking either, but for now it's good.

[ A beat. He doesn't look at Eren, shrugs. ]

It got me out of the house, at least. I wasn't leaving otherwise.

[ Another beat. Maruki doesn't know why he's still talking. He and Eren got to a point where he really couldn't obfuscate his emotions anymore, and certainly couldn't lie about them. They pour forth, even with this Eren who hasn't had to listen to him for four infinitely long years. ]

I felt a little like you, sometimes. Forcing myself to keep to a routine because otherwise, there was just... nothing.

[ Grief. He's describing grief.

And normally, this is where he would apologize, change the subject, get back on track. You say what you think you should say instead, Eren told him once, to get him to cut the bullshit. But he doesn't do that anymore. Not with Eren. ]

Edited (at first i thought i couldn't find the thread and then i could. turns out it's so burned into my brain that i paraphrased it perfectly anyway) 2024-10-02 10:47 (UTC)

You look like him. The Eren I knew.

[Down to the vacancy in his eyes. That hollow gaze that Hythlodaeus could fall into and drown in if he wasn't careful. Letting go of Eren's hand, he decides he wants to try to bring some joy back into his expression.]

I have something to show you.

[Closing his hands together, a single, glowing flower with petals that shine every colour appears in a small burst of light. He takes it and offers it to Eren, smiling.]

An Elpis flower. It changes colour depending on emotions, but it is beautiful no matter what. While you were gone, I asked for my creation magicks to be returned to me.

[When Maruki reaches for a piece of Eren's croissant, Eren thoughtlessly hands over the entire thing. His friend is hungry.

[After that, it's all grief. Waking up in the morning and remembering that your comrade is dead is a unique sort of Hell, but then the Commander is calling for you to stand at attention, so you do, and you forget for a little while. That continues on until you're nineteen years old, barreling toward your own death, where grief will cease to have any weight.

[It isn't like that here. The war they fight is quiet like a slow-acting poison. When you wake up and remember that your friend is gone, all there is ahead of you is another day to live without them. The Commanders sit in their cottages and drink tea. You find ways to fill the time. You must find ways to fill the time. All the while uncertain as to whether or not ghosts are really ghosts.

[Eren never meant to cause Maruki grief. He is a creature built from grief, born grieving. It never gets easier. It never hurts less. He still sees them, hears them, feels them - all of them. Even those who probably never would have called him a friend themselves.

[Now, here, at the end of his life, so many have been left to grieve - grieve Eren, grieve the world. To love Eren is to lose him, and Maruki will a thousand times more than anyone else will.

[Why? Because they'll meet a thousand more times than anyone else will. Because they were meant to sit just like this, face to familiar, bespectacled face.

[Eren's hand starts to reach across the table - stills...

[...connects at Maruki's bicep, squeezing. Eren looks him in the eye. The words "I'm sorry" are so terribly cheap. He can't bring himself to say them. Maybe Maruki will know. He knows so many things.

[Eren lets go of Maruki's arm; withdraws his hand.]

If there's time...[There's never time.]...we'll just rest a while.

I'm tired. [It feels odd to admit.] Dying, I thought...I wouldn't be anymore.

[ Maruki knows. He feels it in that grounding, comforting touch, and he sees it in Eren's deadened gaze. It's an apology he doesn't need to give. There are ways that they will hurt one another that are inevitable; grief is one of them. It's neither of their faults. It's simply the way of the world. All things end, again and again and again.

Still, Maruki accepts it. Goes to catch Eren's hand– it's already gone.

He breaks the remaining croissant in half, hands it over to Eren without question. ]

There's plenty of time. And candidly... I'm tired too. Not like you are, but.

[ It was a familiar feeling in the worst way. No amount of sleep or even just inertia could give him any reprieve. Whether he closed his eyes or not, he was still miserable, so what was the point?

He's tired. Now that the adrenaline of finding Eren has all but entirely faded, it's been hitting him again and again. ]

Let's take a nap. I'm serious. I don't have anything else going on today, and even if I did, I don't care. And you deserve to rest, Eren. You do.

[Maruki reaches for him, but it's too late. Eren could reach back, but that feels too late too.

[Under the table, his foot lightly swings, just barely knocking into Maruki's shin.

[A simple nap. When's the last time Eren had one of those? He can't remember the last time he lay down in a bed at all. It must have been in that hospital in Liberio on a cold, iron cot.

[He and Maruki used to nap together. Eren's spent his entire life sleeping beside others; hasn't now in a long, long time...

[There are others he needs to see. He hasn't forgotten them either. But the idea of stepping outside right now feels oppressive. The machiya is quiet and comfortable, and his best friend is here, right here. Eren could have built a place where they could nap for four years straight if they really wanted to. He wanted to give them all more time, but the world needed ending.

[Eren feels himself breathe, and it seems that he can't remember the last time he did that, either.

[He's so very, very tired.

[Rather than answer, he takes a few minutes to quickly eat the rest of his meal. He doesn't rush necessarily, but eats at a steady, quick pace. He won't let it go to waste - never trusts that he'll be eating again soon - but, despite the food's taste, he wants to be finished eating. He wants to rest.

[Nods as he takes in the last mouthful.]

Alright.

[ Food finished, dishes cleared, Maruki leads Eren through the rest of the machiya, quietly points out the sunken conversation pit and the kotatsu as they make their way to the stairs. The second floor landing is open air, overlooking the first; a simple row of rooms and nothing more.

Maruki doesn't mention Akechi as they pass his room. The smaller of the two, door barely ajar, the moon statue inside and Korokke asleep on his bed. He pushes open the door to the larger room it shares a wall with, and the term bedroom has never been more apt: It is a room with a bed in it. Nearly wall to wall, only just enough room on either side to make changing sheets possible, if incredibly annoying.

Maruki scratches at his jaw and huffs a laugh. ]

I don't know why the rooms are like this, but I've grown to like them.

[ A wide, sweeping gesture, as if to say it's all yours. ]

[Akechi's in a vulnerable position - that's putting it lightly, really. All Eren has to do is swing his head out of the way to avoid that punch, and then he's pressing down with more weight, grabbing at Akechi's hands and pinning them to the ground by his head.

[Thumbs stroke Akechi's palms.]

I didn't mean to leave you. Not yet, Akechi.

[Fantastic - this is a great fucking day.

Akechi can't breathe - only manages to do so when he stops squirming, pulling, tugging his way out of a gentle touch that doesn't belong between them.]

You're mistaken if you think that's where my ire lies. I was happy you left. Isn't that the goal?

[He ignores the thumbs on his palms - keeps hands steady and still. Resists the urge yet again to summon Loki to make a lunge at those fingers against his hand. As if Eren has the right to touch him like this.]

Let go.

[There's a weighted moment; it drags on. Eren stares down at Akechi, and he's just how he remembers. They were never meant for gentle touches, but Eren wishes that weren't true. He'd love to see Akechi smile, feel tender hands, listen to a contented voice. He wants this, his happiness.

[Wants to rage too; relents anyway, releasing Akechi's hands and shifting off of him. Eren stands. A battle may break out yet. Maybe one of them will be lucky enough to kill the other one - or lucky enough to die.]

It isn't the goal yet. I have another. You know that.

Where's your ire, then?

Edited (fun addition) 2024-10-03 00:46 (UTC)

[He knows.

Eren moves - Akechi follows, eager to pull himself up from the ground and back on neutral ground.

His arms cross over his chest, instinctively. Watches Eren's hands, his expression, everything. He won't be caught off guard again.]

That you came back. You were out - what were you thinking?

[It's not his fault - not entirely, but what's the point of proclaiming yourself a destroyer of worlds if he can't even fucking rip this one apart.]

I made a promise.

[It's as simple as that. Eren can't quite accept that he didn't return of his own volition - not necessarily out of pride so much as twisted, time-warped logic. He is the bender of Eldian reality - he himself is an Eldian. It only makes sense.

[And he did make that promise.]

And you're always one to commit to them, aren't you? How kind of you, Eren, to return to this false world for a whim.

[He's so fucking mad. Who gives a shit about promises, but-]

It feels pointless to ask, but I will for posterity - you don't have the ability to leave or solve this problem now, do you?

Not yet. [His Founder ability is barred from him once again, but there's no telling if that's due to this reality, or to his brother's absence from it.]

For posterity [With a subtle, upward, mocking tone.], you don't either, right?

Our [Our.] battle continues.

[They pass a bedroom that isn't Maruki's. A flicker of eyes through the cracked-open door reveals no one. Eren's fingers brush the wood as they pass.

[And, then, they're at Maruki's door, Eren staring at what looks like a particularly luxurious prison cell. His head tilts just a fraction of an inch to the side. It seems almost like you'd have to get a running start to get yourself right in the center. Eren sits on the edge, not quite sure how to manage. Eventually, he ends up lying on his back, feet still flat on the floor, his hands folded over his chest.

[The bed is more comfortable than he's ever felt, he thinks. That feels strange.

[He speaks to an unfamiliar ceiling.]

You too? [The vulnerability of the question creeps up after he's already asked.

[It's been a damn long time since he slept beside someone.]

ic inbox for labyrinthum

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I literally never get to use this icon

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lmao girl u couldn't PAY me to go back to working doordash u know the miles that put on my cart?

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cw: suicidal ideation

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