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[ Maruki's still laughing at their stupid horsing around when Eren does finally separate from him, and it's caught on his lips when he looks at Eren and sees–
Not someone different, but a new facet of someone intimately familiar. Even at his youngest and most carefree, there was always a weight to Eren's expressions. Maruki has never seen him like this, not even close.
He's almost afraid to call attention to it. If Eren feels self-conscious and it slips away, he'll regret it. But...
Maruki lays there, staring up at him in something close to awe, and then reaches to touch just the tips of his fingers to Eren's jaw. ]
You look so alive.
Not someone different, but a new facet of someone intimately familiar. Even at his youngest and most carefree, there was always a weight to Eren's expressions. Maruki has never seen him like this, not even close.
He's almost afraid to call attention to it. If Eren feels self-conscious and it slips away, he'll regret it. But...
Maruki lays there, staring up at him in something close to awe, and then reaches to touch just the tips of his fingers to Eren's jaw. ]
You look so alive.
[Eren really can't even say why, but he does feel self-conscious. Maybe it's as simple as knowing that someone like him doesn't deserve even what little happiness they can achieve, but Dolph wouldn't want him to question that. Maruki wouldn't want him to question that - not when he's actually feeling it for the first time in...
[A very, very, very long time...
[If his expression fades, it isn't into emptiness. He finds himself chewing on his lip, cheeks warming. He shrugs one shoulder, uncertain - more uncertain than he's ever been, maybe.
[There has to be some way to explain, but he still barely understands...]
Dolph...told me something. I...just haven't stopped thinking about it, I guess...
[A very, very, very long time...
[If his expression fades, it isn't into emptiness. He finds himself chewing on his lip, cheeks warming. He shrugs one shoulder, uncertain - more uncertain than he's ever been, maybe.
[There has to be some way to explain, but he still barely understands...]
Dolph...told me something. I...just haven't stopped thinking about it, I guess...
[ It's a surprisingly young, honest expression. That light touch to Eren's jaw turns to Maruki cupping his cheek fully, thumb skating over that faint blush. ]
Can I ask what he told you...?
[ Who knows, maybe it's private. Maruki has never intruded upon Eren's relationships before. ]
Can I ask what he told you...?
[ Who knows, maybe it's private. Maruki has never intruded upon Eren's relationships before. ]
[It's ridiculous, really, for Maruki to ask if he can ask another question. There's not a single one Eren wouldn't answer. Maybe some would cause hesitation, but he can't really picture that either. He'll tell Maruki anything he wants to know.
[The only trouble is that it's difficult to actually find the words. Eren's hand comes to rest over Maruki's where it cradles his cheek. His eyes drop down.]
He said...we could have happiness together. I said I didn't need happiness...
[Maruki would probably have expected that part, right?]
But...then, he said...it would only be our happiness...
[His grip tightens slightly over Maruki's hand, brow furrowing as if he were suddenly trying to solve a math problem.]
That made sense to me. Somehow...
Like...how I feel with you. It isn't bad. It's good. I'm still not a happy person, but...
We have our own happiness, don't we? Right...?
[The only trouble is that it's difficult to actually find the words. Eren's hand comes to rest over Maruki's where it cradles his cheek. His eyes drop down.]
He said...we could have happiness together. I said I didn't need happiness...
[Maruki would probably have expected that part, right?]
But...then, he said...it would only be our happiness...
[His grip tightens slightly over Maruki's hand, brow furrowing as if he were suddenly trying to solve a math problem.]
That made sense to me. Somehow...
Like...how I feel with you. It isn't bad. It's good. I'm still not a happy person, but...
We have our own happiness, don't we? Right...?
[ Watching Eren puzzle through this in real time...
Maruki is so terribly, wonderfully proud.
And painfully endeared.
He can't stop the wide smile that spreads slowly over his own face as each thought manifests and solidifies. It's something that Maruki knows to be true, something he's tried to impress upon Eren in his own ways while still accepting him exactly as he is, not pressuring him to feel a certain way if he thought himself incapable of it. Leave it to Dolph to just come right out and say something like that, with exactly the right words to get it to sink in. He really has a knack for that... ]
He's right, you know. You can still experience happiness with others. That's never completely out of reach.
[ The hand not trapped against Eren's cheek moves in to rest lightly on his chest, over his heart. Maruki still can't stop smiling. ]
We do have our own happiness. I've always thought so, anyway.
Maruki is so terribly, wonderfully proud.
And painfully endeared.
He can't stop the wide smile that spreads slowly over his own face as each thought manifests and solidifies. It's something that Maruki knows to be true, something he's tried to impress upon Eren in his own ways while still accepting him exactly as he is, not pressuring him to feel a certain way if he thought himself incapable of it. Leave it to Dolph to just come right out and say something like that, with exactly the right words to get it to sink in. He really has a knack for that... ]
He's right, you know. You can still experience happiness with others. That's never completely out of reach.
[ The hand not trapped against Eren's cheek moves in to rest lightly on his chest, over his heart. Maruki still can't stop smiling. ]
We do have our own happiness. I've always thought so, anyway.
We do. [He agrees immediately - without even thinking about it.
[Repeats it, quietly, that hand moving through Maruki's hair again, pushing it away from his eyes.] We do...
I told you so, but...it wasn't just that night. We've had it...
I just didn't think--
I'm stupid...
[Repeats it, quietly, that hand moving through Maruki's hair again, pushing it away from his eyes.] We do...
I told you so, but...it wasn't just that night. We've had it...
I just didn't think--
I'm stupid...
No. You're not.
[ Easy, immediate. Firm. Maruki leans into the touch, desperate for affection as ever, but he doesn't let himself get swept up in it and lose track of the conversation. ]
You aren't stupid. You just haven't been in a position where you could realize that sort of thing is possible. But now...
[ In this false reality, having lived past his death and settled back in somewhat, with people who care about him as much as Dolph does... ]
I think you'll see that you have happiness with many more people than you think, Eren.
[ Which is a good thing.
It is. ]
[ Easy, immediate. Firm. Maruki leans into the touch, desperate for affection as ever, but he doesn't let himself get swept up in it and lose track of the conversation. ]
You aren't stupid. You just haven't been in a position where you could realize that sort of thing is possible. But now...
[ In this false reality, having lived past his death and settled back in somewhat, with people who care about him as much as Dolph does... ]
I think you'll see that you have happiness with many more people than you think, Eren.
[ Which is a good thing.
It is. ]
[Eren is quiet. His thumb moves silently over the knuckles on Maruki's hand, the two of them still resting together. His other hand now strokes at the back of Maruki's neck, then comes to lay over the nape, an instinctual, grounding touch. When he was sixteen, he might have asked, "Why is it so hard to believe that?", but now, he thinks he knows. He thinks he knows because Maruki taught him how to answer those questions without his help.]
I don't deserve it. That's why I don't want to admit it. Right?
But, it doesn't matter. It's there anyway. So...
[...]
They deserve it. You do.
I don't deserve it. That's why I don't want to admit it. Right?
But, it doesn't matter. It's there anyway. So...
[...]
They deserve it. You do.
[ Maruki's eyes slip shut for a moment when that warm, safe palm covers his nape. He mulls it over...
The gentlest correction, softly spoken: ]
You think that you don't deserve it. That's why you don't want to admit it.
[ Maruki has always believed that Eren deserves happiness. Everyone does, after all, but– perhaps especially him. He deserves acceptance, and rest, and peace, and happiness.
But he doesn't want to push it too hard. This is such a sacred thing Eren's come to realize. ]
And it's there anyway, whether you deserve it or not. When you keep finding little pockets of it... try to accept it.
[ It's a phenomenally huge ask, he knows. He thumbs at Eren's cheek, pushes gentle pressure to try to get him to lay his head back down. ]
The gentlest correction, softly spoken: ]
You think that you don't deserve it. That's why you don't want to admit it.
[ Maruki has always believed that Eren deserves happiness. Everyone does, after all, but– perhaps especially him. He deserves acceptance, and rest, and peace, and happiness.
But he doesn't want to push it too hard. This is such a sacred thing Eren's come to realize. ]
And it's there anyway, whether you deserve it or not. When you keep finding little pockets of it... try to accept it.
[ It's a phenomenally huge ask, he knows. He thumbs at Eren's cheek, pushes gentle pressure to try to get him to lay his head back down. ]
[Maruki coaxes, and Eren rests. This is how it's always been. His cheek is pressed, so his head finds its pillow, and then there's only the face in front of him, and their simple happiness.
[Eren takes Maruki's hand and presses a kiss to his palm, grateful eyes closing. He keeps him there, just like that; murmurs against his skin:]
You make me happier than anyone. Every second. How didn't I see?
[Eren takes Maruki's hand and presses a kiss to his palm, grateful eyes closing. He keeps him there, just like that; murmurs against his skin:]
You make me happier than anyone. Every second. How didn't I see?
[ Heat rises in Maruki's cheeks. It's not that he doubts his place in Eren's life – all his lives, across all reality – but hearing it said so plainly is something else. Especially when he's just learned happiness can still exist for him from someone else entirely. ]
You did see, though. Maybe not in these exact terms, but you saw it, Eren.
[ It's so strange to remember. At the time, he thought it was the most meaningful thing Eren would ever say to him. So much has happened since... ]
You told me once that you wanted to wake up every day because you knew you would get to talk to me. That's our happiness too. Isn't it?
You did see, though. Maybe not in these exact terms, but you saw it, Eren.
[ It's so strange to remember. At the time, he thought it was the most meaningful thing Eren would ever say to him. So much has happened since... ]
You told me once that you wanted to wake up every day because you knew you would get to talk to me. That's our happiness too. Isn't it?
[Was Maruki waiting for a smile? There it is, right against his palm. Eren shakes his head. He wants to laugh.]
No matter what word I want to use, it doesn't come close...
Love, husband, happiness...
It just doesn't come close at all with you. Even back then. No wonder...
No matter what word I want to use, it doesn't come close...
Love, husband, happiness...
It just doesn't come close at all with you. Even back then. No wonder...
Edited (NO CONFUSING WHO HE MEANS) 2025-01-25 10:07 (UTC)
[ ... ? ]
What?
[ He wants to see that smile. He wants nothing more than to stay silent, and watch himself hold Eren's smile safe in one hand.
But those words. ]
You– husband?
[ Like an alien species he's only just heard of for the first time. ]
Eren. What?
What?
[ He wants to see that smile. He wants nothing more than to stay silent, and watch himself hold Eren's smile safe in one hand.
But those words. ]
You– husband?
[ Like an alien species he's only just heard of for the first time. ]
Eren. What?
Hm? [One eyebrow subtly arches. He doesn't look concerned, but...
[A bit baffled, if nothing else. He slowly lowers Maruki's hand, then reaches over to tuck two fingers under the pendant of broken glass that hangs around his neck.]
That's right. You were there, weren't you?
Your sword. Your home. That's what I promised.
That word doesn't really do it justice, but...still.
[A bit baffled, if nothing else. He slowly lowers Maruki's hand, then reaches over to tuck two fingers under the pendant of broken glass that hangs around his neck.]
That's right. You were there, weren't you?
Your sword. Your home. That's what I promised.
That word doesn't really do it justice, but...still.
[ Pure confusion is replaced swiftly by dreadful heat; Maruki presses both hands over his face as it burns bright, fingers kneading into his eyes beneath his glasses. ]
No, I– I was there, and I thought they sounded an awful lot like marriage vows, but...
[ But what, exactly?
They swore themselves to each other. Eren gave him something to wear always to remember that. Maruki's meant to do the same, eventually.
Is he stupid?
He might be stupid.
It jolts out of him suddenly: ]
I'm not upset. I'm just– processing.
[ Holy shit. Oh, that's...
Maruki doesn't let his hands drop away from his face as he tilts forward, not until he can safely bury it against Eren's chest instead. ]
No, I– I was there, and I thought they sounded an awful lot like marriage vows, but...
[ But what, exactly?
They swore themselves to each other. Eren gave him something to wear always to remember that. Maruki's meant to do the same, eventually.
Is he stupid?
He might be stupid.
It jolts out of him suddenly: ]
I'm not upset. I'm just– processing.
[ Holy shit. Oh, that's...
Maruki doesn't let his hands drop away from his face as he tilts forward, not until he can safely bury it against Eren's chest instead. ]
Edited 2025-01-25 10:22 (UTC)
[For only the briefest second, Eren feels some twinge of anxiety that wants to ask, "You haven't changed your mind, have you?" but he knows that that would be impossible - that titles don't really matter at all. Maruki folds into his chest, and all fear is assuaged. Eren envelopes him, arms and legs, kissing the top of his head. He's smiling again. His heart steadily thumps right into Maruki's ear.]
You're just now figuring it out...?
I thought you knew...
You're just now figuring it out...?
I thought you knew...
[ Maruki is held, completely and utterly, whole body burning up in Eren's embrace. With his face safely hidden, he wraps his arms around Eren, claws weakly at his back. ]
No, I knew, I just...
[ He didn't know.
There are a thousand stupid things he wants to say, a million stupid questions he wants to ask. His head is overcrowded, buzzing, and he feels just as lost in all of this as he did back in the alcove, like he's been dropped in the middle of the ocean without a single map.
Yet Eren knows this like the back of his hand. Maruki has to wonder if he'll ever manage to catch up.
He draws a breath, tries to explain his confusion in words that will make any sort of sense. ]
You're right. None of those words come close. But– if whatever we are encompasses all of those words, then they still matter. [ A beat. ] That word matters. To me.
[ Only one person was ever supposed to call him that. ]
I didn't expect to hear it. That's all. You really shocked me, jeez...
No, I knew, I just...
[ He didn't know.
There are a thousand stupid things he wants to say, a million stupid questions he wants to ask. His head is overcrowded, buzzing, and he feels just as lost in all of this as he did back in the alcove, like he's been dropped in the middle of the ocean without a single map.
Yet Eren knows this like the back of his hand. Maruki has to wonder if he'll ever manage to catch up.
He draws a breath, tries to explain his confusion in words that will make any sort of sense. ]
You're right. None of those words come close. But– if whatever we are encompasses all of those words, then they still matter. [ A beat. ] That word matters. To me.
[ Only one person was ever supposed to call him that. ]
I didn't expect to hear it. That's all. You really shocked me, jeez...
Sorry...[He doesn't sound sorry. He sounds happy - still, even now, especially, more so than ever.
[He kisses the top of Maruki's head again, body settling all around him. His hands travel up and down the man's spine, affectionate, soothing. He practically nuzzles into Maruki's scalp.]
You are that to me. It's more than that, though. [It's a million times more, and there isn't a single other person in any existence anywhere that could ever come close to understanding.
[Eren tries to find any word at all that could actually explain it, but he fails - he needs a hundred words, a thousand, a million.]
A husband is just someone you marry - for just one life. Maybe it won't even last. There's no guarantee...
It matters, but not like this. It's...just not the same.
You're like...
[He's thought it in his head. Has he ever said it outloud?]
You're...my Other. [Will that...make sense?]
Do you get it...?
[He kisses the top of Maruki's head again, body settling all around him. His hands travel up and down the man's spine, affectionate, soothing. He practically nuzzles into Maruki's scalp.]
You are that to me. It's more than that, though. [It's a million times more, and there isn't a single other person in any existence anywhere that could ever come close to understanding.
[Eren tries to find any word at all that could actually explain it, but he fails - he needs a hundred words, a thousand, a million.]
A husband is just someone you marry - for just one life. Maybe it won't even last. There's no guarantee...
It matters, but not like this. It's...just not the same.
You're like...
[He's thought it in his head. Has he ever said it outloud?]
You're...my Other. [Will that...make sense?]
Do you get it...?
[ Ah.
For just one life.
On the walls of the alcove, he saw it. One reality in which he and Rumi were married, with their own small family, happy and safe.
For just one life, he could fulfill that role that's been barred from him.
But in this life, and in every other... ]
Your Other?
[ That's much better.
That's as close as it gets. ]
It's funny. I've thought of you as my other half lately. So... I do get it.
[ He really, really does.
He gently dislodges where Eren's nestled down against his crown as he removes his face from its hiding spot. Maruki tips his head away just enough to be able to look at him, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. ]
I like that better. Can I call you that?
For just one life.
On the walls of the alcove, he saw it. One reality in which he and Rumi were married, with their own small family, happy and safe.
For just one life, he could fulfill that role that's been barred from him.
But in this life, and in every other... ]
Your Other?
[ That's much better.
That's as close as it gets. ]
It's funny. I've thought of you as my other half lately. So... I do get it.
[ He really, really does.
He gently dislodges where Eren's nestled down against his crown as he removes his face from its hiding spot. Maruki tips his head away just enough to be able to look at him, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. ]
I like that better. Can I call you that?
[Eren is shown Maruki's face once again. Maybe he'll never stop smiling, so long as he can see it.
[He tucks a finger under the man's chin and captures his lips in a small kiss, then nods without pulling away. His hand slips down to rest over Maruki's heart, warm and firm.]
My other half. The other me.
That's right...
[He tucks a finger under the man's chin and captures his lips in a small kiss, then nods without pulling away. His hand slips down to rest over Maruki's heart, warm and firm.]
My other half. The other me.
That's right...
[ He'll never get used to it, the ease with which Eren kisses him. Like it's the most natural thing in the world – in any world. He's trying to catch up with that, too.
For the moment, though, he can only blink wide brown eyes up at him, lips dumbly parted, heart stuttering out its beat against Eren's palm. ]
You said that a while ago, too. That maybe we're each other from another reality. So it fits, doesn't it?
[ And then he grins, suddenly sheepish. ]
I didn't expect any of this today! I thought you were just coming back to tell me what happened with Dolph...
For the moment, though, he can only blink wide brown eyes up at him, lips dumbly parted, heart stuttering out its beat against Eren's palm. ]
You said that a while ago, too. That maybe we're each other from another reality. So it fits, doesn't it?
[ And then he grins, suddenly sheepish. ]
I didn't expect any of this today! I thought you were just coming back to tell me what happened with Dolph...
That's not true.
I wanted to know why you were nervous. Remember?
It's not usually me asking you that.
I wanted to know why you were nervous. Remember?
It's not usually me asking you that.
Mm-m. [Eren shakes his head. It makes their noses brush.] No. You were nervous. I could tell.
What surprised you?
What surprised you?
[ Maruki falters with his words for a few moments before they come out, pathetic and lame. Even more so now that they've had this conversation. ]
I didn't understand why you would care that much about my opinion on who you... date– wait, are you and Dolph actually dating? Did that happen?
[ Forgive him for his black and white worldview between platonic and romantic. ]
I didn't understand why you would care that much about my opinion on who you... date– wait, are you and Dolph actually dating? Did that happen?
[ Forgive him for his black and white worldview between platonic and romantic. ]
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