PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[abandonhumanity]

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine
and rage the likes of which you would not believe.
If I cannot satisfy the one,
I will indulge the other.

Comments

[feminae]

[ Sometimes, before all of this, Annie had wondered if Eren was even capable of feeling fear. Instead of fear, he had anger. Anger at the Titans, initially. Now it’s anger at her. But Annie isn’t like him. She’s made of flesh and blood where he’s made of hatred. He might have left his humanity back in Shiganshina, but Annie is still very much a human, with all of the cowardice that comes with it.

She watches his hands carefully. Maybe he will attack her after all. Maybe she would let him. ]

You’re like me, you know.

[ That wasn’t what she was going to say, but the words fall from her mouth unbidden. He is like her. Both in his transgressions — she doesn’t think she’ll ever forget the words she’d heard right before she’d been pulled from her artificial slumber — and in his very nature. She would kill any number of people to return to her father. He would kill any number of people to protect his people.

It had taken her a while to realize that. She had always thought of him as different, as better than her. But now, as she looks at him, it’s clear that they aren’t so different after all. ]

[abandonhumanity]

[At this, his lip briefly snarls; it's the closest thing to a cruel laugh he can manage - not much of an approximation at all.]

You're insulting me? Or yourself?

[feminae]

Why not both?

[ She shrugs, as though she isn’t baring her soul by simply being here. It wasn’t meant to be an insult, just an observation, but she isn’t surprised he took it that way.

She isn’t sure if he could ever surprise her again, not after genocide. ]

[abandonhumanity]

Explain yourself, then.

[feminae]

We’ve killed people. We’re cruel.

[ She wants to say more, but the words don’t come, trapped in her throat. ]

[abandonhumanity]

The same goes for anyone.

[His tone says it all - he's not buying it.

[Secretly, though, somewhere deep down, he agrees; knows for a fact that she's right, in fact. And he hates her all the more for it. He'd never considered them the same as kids; not until he found out she was a monster. That's the common ground they share.]

[feminae]

[ She shakes her head. He’s right, plenty of people are murderers, but that isn’t really what she had meant.]

No. We’re survivors. [ And then, a little ruefully, she adds: ] We’re ruthless.

[abandonhumanity]

["Survivors". That really is what it all comes down to, isn't it? Kill or be killed. Destroy or be destroyed. Make it home, or die trying. And they've both lied. They've both manipulated. They've both allowed the trust and good faith of their friends to further their own sick, twisted goals. They'd both thought them noble for a time.

[For a time. Saving Eren's home, his people, his dignity - it's a pretty reason to preach, a fine excuse. And it's secondary to watching the world burn, to destroying what destroyed him.

[Are they really the same? Did Annie kill for the sake of watching her enemies die?]

What was your reason, Annie?

[Why? Why did she lie? Why did they trade secret kisses and hushed confessions? Why did she share her body with him, her soul - what he thought for sure was a soul?

[To hurt him? To punish the devils on Paradis? Was that all? Was that all?]

[feminae]

[ She shrugs. Does it matter what her reason was, in the end? People still died. Squad Levi, Marco, other cadets, thousands of faceless, nameless people…for what? She didn’t believe the propaganda, not like Reiner. It was impossible to think of the Eldians as devils when they ate, slept, cried, breathed — just like the Marleyans. No, everything she did was for one, horribly selfish reason.

She doesn’t want to tell Eren. But doesn’t he deserve…well, some honesty from her after everything? ]

It was for my father.

[ Her father, who had beaten her into the ground, who was crippled because of her, who had waited for her and had promised to love her no matter what. ]

[abandonhumanity]

[There's a heavy silence that hangs between them; it lasts for nearly a minute, Eren simply staring at her, his eyes as cold and dead as ever.]

All that. For one person?

[feminae]

[ She blinks, caught off guard, and then her expression hardens. Squaring her shoulders, she takes a step closer to Eren. How dare he. How dare he question her motives, as though he has some kind of moral high ground. He had been ready to destroy the world, and he would have justified every death. At least she had known that what she was doing was wrong!

Another step. She’s close enough now that she could reach out and touch him, cup his cheek, wrap her hands around his neck. ]

You think I enjoyed it?

[abandonhumanity]

[Annie takes a step closer to him, and gravity increases. Eren can feel the weight all around him - the need to touch, whether it be a cupped cheek, or a strangled throat. They haven't been this closer in years - not since he ripped her out of her Titan back in Stohess. Anything could happen now. He could tear her to shreds or pull her into his arms. There's an ache for both. The love of Eren Jaeger does not simply die; only gets worse, darker, more destructive.

[For the record, Eren knows that what he's doing is wrong too. His reasons are thin, a facade. He wants to watch the world burn. That's all it is, really. He wants to watch Annie burn too. And he's well aware of this. Murdering dozens for the sake of one person versus murdering millions for the sake of his own broken heart.

[Annie is a monster. Eren is something worse.]

Maybe I did once.

[One more word to use. He doesn't have to choose carefully.]

Pathetic.

[feminae]

[ Pathetic. As if she doesn’t know that already. As if she doesn’t hate herself enough. It stings, like salt in an open wound. The thought of Eren ever having thought that she enjoyed taking lives, betraying the others, betraying him is even worse. Not salt, this time, but a knife in her chest, twisting with every word he says. ]

Pathetic and cowardly and selfish, [ she says, agreeing. What does he expect her to do, argue with him? Challenge him? He’s right. ]

[abandonhumanity]

[Maybe he is expecting her to argue, challenge him. Maybe it's easier to think of Annie as a monster who enjoys spilling blood, who denies his accusations, who prides herself on the lives she's taken.

[A friend, a comrade, a lover - someone who did what they had to do because they saw no other option, not because they wanted to hurt anyone - that's harder to swallow. The fact that Eren, once a hero to humanity, can relate more to bloodlust than Annie, the traitor, can - that's hard to swallow too. Part of him means it when he says that he's doing what he's doing to protect the people he loves, just like Annie fought for her father.

[But only part of him. "Pathetic and cowardly and selfish."

[Yeah. She's right about that.]

We really are the same.

[With this, he raises his hand. The tips of his fingers brush across her right cheek. They linger there instead of dropping. He's touching Annie Leonhart again for the first time in four years.]

[feminae]

[ She almost — almost — wishes he hadn’t agreed with her. She doesn’t want them to be the same, doesn’t want to acknowledge any similarity between herself and Eren Jaeger, but for reasons she’s not entirely sure of, it feels vitally important that he knows that they are cut from the same cloth. Carved from the same flesh.

And then he touches her, skin on skin, and she promptly forgets how to think.

It’s deceptively gentle, a lover’s caress. She should step back, slap his hand away, turn her head to the side and bite his fucking fingers off, but she’s frozen in place, unable to move.

She can speak, though. Between clenched teeth, she hisses out, ] don’t touch me.

[abandonhumanity]

[Eren turns his hand, gentle knuckles skating over Annie's cheek; next, a warm palm, cupping.]

Push me away.

[feminae]

[ She doesn’t push him away, like the greedy, self-serving creature she is, and she loathes him more with every second that passes with his hand on her face. ]

I hate you.

[ It’s true. It is. Any…feelings she might have had for him are long gone, shriveled up and dead. So then why is she leaning into his touch?

He’s right. She is pathetic. ]

[abandonhumanity]

[She's pathetic, and he's pathetic, and she isn't pushing him away, just like he knew she wouldn't; is, in fact, leaning into his touch, warm cheek against warm hand. They're both still warm - like living, breathing humans? Or like steaming, rotting titans? Titan shifters tend to have higher body temperatures; everyone else just feels so cold when he touches them.

[There's a miserable pain to how she leans into that touch. Eren would like for those around him to believe that his heart shriveled up and died a long time ago, but here it is in his palm, beating. They were never meant to touch like this; he'll never be able to forget how it felt the first time.

[With burning lips, he kisses her, all hunger and want and desperation. His free hand comes to grip her the back of her head, holding it there in place. Don't break away. He wants her arms around him. He wants her holding him captive with shackles of flesh. Wrap yourself around his throat like a snake and constrict - anything, anything to be held by Annie Leonhart again.]

[feminae]

[ Kissing Eren is horribly familiar, like remembering something she hadn’t known she’d forgotten. The feel of his mouth against hers hasn’t changed at all. Still, as familiar as it is, it’s also nothing like kissing the Eren she’d known as a cadet. That had been sweet, tender, gentle. This is…different.

He kisses her like a drowning man, as though she could pull him from whatever dark depths of ocean he has descended to. It’s fierce and cruel and desperate. It’s everything she’s missed for the last four years.

She pulls away, even as the hand on the back of her head tries to keep her there, lips on his. Her breath comes in sharp gasps, less from physical exertion and more from the adrenaline of it all. And then she punches him. ]

You— fuck you. [ There’s something tight in her voice, something shattered and broken. ]

[abandonhumanity]

[No one hits quite like Annie Leonhart. That hook to the jaw sends him stumbling to the side, one hand coming up to briefly touch the tender spot. It's worse than a punch to the face, really, that rejection - but Eren doesn't glare or lash out. His eyes are on the ground, and the corners of his mouth are lifting.

[He laughs - croaking, hoarse, and cruel.

[Does he derive pleasure from that shattered, broken tone? Not by a long shot; in fact, he feels quite possibly more miserable than he's ever been. Whatever's left of his heart is swallowed by the black void that's dead set on replacing it. They will never be those two young cadets again.]

If that's what you want, you shouldn't have pushed me away.

[Cruel, cruel, cruel - he wants to make her hurt. He wants to make her as empty and cold as he feels. He wants her to suffer. He wants her. He wants her. He wants her.]

[feminae]

[ Eren stumbles away. She’d hoped the sight would make her feel better, but instead she feels sick to her stomach. Her blood runs cold, stomach dropping — is this going to be the last straw for him? She can’t defeat the Founding Titan — but he doesn’t attack, not even as he laughs like a madman. ]

You’re sick. [ Annie pointedly wipes at her mouth with the back of her hand. ] Fucking sick, you piece of shit. [ More cursing than she’s prone to, but this is a situation that calls for it, she decides. ] There’s something wrong with you. There’s always been something wrong with you.

[abandonhumanity]

What is it, Annie? What's wrong with me?

[What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? But the cruel, mocking air remains, even as his laughter and smile fade.]

I'd like to know. I'd like to hear it from your mouth.

[feminae]

[ Does he want to know? Does he really want to know? Well, fine. Since he asked so nicely. She takes a deep breath, steeling herself. ]

You have a god complex, you think you’re better than everyone else, you have serious anger issues, your sense of right and wrong is completely fucked up, and oh. Your want to destroy humanity. Did I forget something?

[ Her voice raises as she talks, hands balling into fists at her sides. He’s infuriating, and she wants to scream and cry and tear her hair out and kiss him again. (Kissing him had been like coming home.) ]

[abandonhumanity]

[God complex? Sure. Check. But can you really blame him when the power of a god has been thrust upon him? He thinks he's better than everyone else. Wrong. He knows he's the worst piece of shit that ever lived. Anger issues? Check. Right and wrong? Subjective and useless. Nothing's right in this world. Destroy humanity? Yep. Seems she hasn't forgotten much.]

That's right, Annie.

All those years ago, when you, Reiner, and Bertholdt launched an attack on my home, you didn't realize what you were awakening. And now those of you left alive have your tail between your legs.

Are you going to stop me? Are you going to kill me, Annie?

Can you?

[feminae]

[ She isn’t going to argue with him about the particulars of why she and Reiner and Bertholdt launched an attack on Paradis. This is why, she wants to say, but she doesn’t. That isn’t an argument she’s going to win. Instead, she turns to the idea of killing him, which is a far more pressing issue. She wants to kill him. She’d told Mikasa and Armin and Reiner and the others as much. She’d looked them in the eyes and told them that Eren Jeager needed to die.

And yet.

And yet she doesn’t know if she’d be able to kill him. The thought makes her physically ill. She hopes that the nausea doesn’t show on her face. ]

I should have killed you back when we were cadets.