Eren Jaeger (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
abandonhumanity) wrote2023-09-26 12:38 pm
abandonhumanity) wrote2023-09-26 12:38 pm
PSL / MEME CONTINUATION
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine
and rage the likes of which you would not believe.
If I cannot satisfy the one,
I will indulge the other.
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Look at me.
[Sometimes when Levi speaks, he can't help but make it sound like a command. He'll try to meet her eyes, a weighted gaze.]
You can't save our world, and you can't save yours. Not on your own.
Take that weight off your shoulders, Aubrey. You're a kid. [Just another dumb kid who's seen the future and can't do anything to stop it.]
It's a nice sentiment - I get it. It's a pretty way of thinking.
But shit is shit is shit. You can only change what you can change. That's small scale and always will be.
Forgive yourself for that and do what you can. That's all there is.
up to you whether Eren gets the first bit
[She obeys, meeting his eyes, and is restrained by what she sees. There’s a protest in her mind—No, I’m not even suggesting anything drastic, never mind anything like— But Levi continues, and it dies unsaid. Not like Aubrey’s a stranger to justifying things to herself, actions that should have never been…]
Do what I can....
[Her eyes close, and she lets out a long sigh.
[It’s hard… not to take responsibility, isn’t it, Eren? Not a thought Aubrey particularly tries to share; she wouldn’t be upset if it did. When you care so much.
[Bereft of context, a certainty that Levi will hear: A detriment.]
That’s all there is.
[Her gaze slides back towards the sunrise, the rubble of that town. Not at all laughing, but her eyes narrow with some emotion.] Damn it....
1/1 (?)
[There are countless others. Levi's Special Operations Squad from when Eren was only a kid, trying to learn what it meant to be a Scout. There's Hannes, who was so much like family. Commander Erwin, with his strong brow and wild eyes. Hange brings forth a particularly raw surge of pain and shame. Eren's grip on Aubrey's hand tightens.
[He nods.]
2/2
[It's not an easy lesson for a kid to learn. He gets that. But he hopes he's making some sort of impact anyway. His body feels more real than it ever has, and he's tired. It's weird to think that eventually he might have to default to words as his weapon of choice.]
It doesn't feel like enough. I know. It's hard not to take responsibility when you care. [He has, for the record, not heard what Aubrey has shared with Eren.]
What you can do - what you can change - it'll matter to someone. Could even change their life.
[Before the thought can manifest:]
You couldn't have saved him, Aubrey. No one could have.
So, you...do what you can, then. [His final words are exhausted. Figures Eren gets to sleep after all this. Levi wouldn't sneeze at a bed right about now.]
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[Eren heard. She squeezes his hand back, and holds it to their hearts.]
[Levi seems to read her mind without hearing a thing. He sounds drained enough Aubrey won’t give voice to the protest, but it circles her mind wordlessly anyway. One person’s actions can change a life… but not save them? Maybe it’s just Eren. Maybe you’d have to be a better person, to pull someone out of their abyss before it’s too late.
[Even as the sun rises, the faces flashing through Aubrey’s memory are dark.
[I should be there for them, too....
[More useless fucking guilt over things she can’t change. She could cry.]
[It gets swallowed back. Not easily, but for the moment, it does.]
I can… change where we are, I guess. [Weather. Things. Superficial. Levi’s said he doesn’t have anywhere, but…] I can’t promise it’ll work, but… is there anything you want, right now, Levi?
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[At Aubrey's offer, Levi raises an eyebrow. It's not wise to let Eren leave his sight; shouldn't trust one of his fangirls to keep him in check if he does manage to get away, but...
[There are some things to consider. He's already dead, and he can't be killed here (ostensibly, considering that the dead can come back to life). Levi's agreed not to kill him without reason, largely due to the previously stated facts. Lastly-- Well. ]
You seen anyone around here called Zeke? Sleeping Beauty's brother. Ugly four-eyed bastard with a beard the same color as his piss. Sound familiar?
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[Incredible, now, that the best visual description Aubrey has of Eren’s brother is “four-eyed bastard with a beard the same color as his piss.”]
I know a little about him. [Her tone doesn’t offer any real opinion.] Never seen him.
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How about a girl called Historia? Blonde hair, blue eyes. Not Armin, though I hear they're easy to confuse.
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[Another name, another face. Maybe?]
No. [Mildly confused, now.] Armin, Mikasa, Reiner, Bertholdt—just them.
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[Levi's not sure how much to tell her, really. He's not sure how much Eren has, but if he hasn't bothered explaining why Zeke or Historia would be significant - well, it's not a bad sign. Just a sign of someone who wants the people around him to think he has more power than he does.]
Without one of those two, Eren can't do half the shit he could back home. That's all.
[And if that's the case, then...]
I think it would suit more than one of us to find some place with a bed. [Pause.]
Two if you want him nice and comfy. I don't really give a shit about that.
image isn’t accurate but you get the vibe
[Strange… she only learned about Zeke as far as he affected Eren personally. Historia’s a new name entirely, but she might have been among Eren’s people. Sounds to Aubrey like there’s a lot more to both of them than, well, “That’s all.”
[But she gets it. The dawn hasn’t woken her up much, either. There’s an obvious place with a bed, more than three of them—and it’s hardly Aubrey’s space to claim, but some stubborn part of her wants to. It’s the first place she really saw Eren’s humanity—and the last where she saw him alive.
[When Aubrey thinks of the barracks, she thinks, Ours.]
[Somewhere else, then. Similar, though; big, homely, warm. And not quite one place, but a mix; two rooms to one, a bed and blankets taken downstairs to fill half-remembered gaps. Eren would recognize the outline of the place—it’s the same room where they started. But this time, the fireplace has flickered to life, and there’s a faint smell of evergreen and good food.
[It’s not decorated. But it feels, to her, like a lost holiday.]
We’ll take the couch.
[Eren’s going on the inside, this time.]
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[He's still in that weird, wheeled chair, but he treats it like a normal one, leaving it in favor of walking; not terribly used to being disabled just yet, this one. It's definitely a surprise that he has to struggle across the room. During The Rumbling, Levi's learning, adrenaline had done wonders for him. Now that it's all seeped out, he feels like he's dragging a lead weight across the ground, knees wobbling by the time he can finally sink into the bed. He's in terrible pain.]
Aubrey. [Fuck. He's out of breath, even. This will more than take getting used to; he already feels like he could snap.
[He manages a weary look at her as he tries to lay himself out flat.]
If he wakes up, tell me. Right away.
We're not done talking yet.
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[Of course Aubrey noticed the wheelchair, Levi’s bandages; the way he hobbles across the room gives those details so much more weight. And to think they met with him slashing titans, kicking Eren… Not the first time Aubrey has thought this place could use a hospital.]
[It’s that spare sympathy (pity, more like) that keeps her mouth shut, even though her first thought is a defiant little I don’t answer to you. Her prior admiration still stands. But it’s different when it’s about Eren. Her husband isn’t some prisoner she’s going to fork over.]
[She’s delayed answering too long. A compromise, then:] I’ll make sure he talks to you. [Much as she can, and all. She means it, though.] He can’t run away from you here.
[Not for long.]
can wrap here if you so please (or that intermission convo)
[It's enough for now. He won't be sleeping easy, but so long as he can sleep at all...
[It doesn't take long to get there.]
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[Aubrey doesn’t want to sleep—not immediately. It pulls at her the more they lie there, in the dim quiet; as soon as she relaxes, she’ll be out like a light. But first, she tries to listen for Levi’s snoring; and then, remembering Eren heard her thoughts before, lets those get away from her instead.]
Hey, Eren… I’m sorry I let him dig into you like that before. If anyone wants a field day with me, you have my go-ahead. I think you do owe him a conversation, after everything… but I understand it’s hard. I’ll be there with you if I can, okay?
I’m not letting you go. No matter what he says. And… it’s true what I said, about checking in back home if I could, but…
You’re my home, too.
[Maybe even more.]
I love you. Talk with you soon…
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Don't go...
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I…
[Won’t? Can’t. Couldn’t…]
[A faint memory; they’ve been here before.]
I’m not going anywhere.
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[The voice, although traded only between their minds, is sharp with urgency. In his sleep, his body tenses, brow furrowing in a pained expression.]
You won't make it on your own!
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[The trouble with mind-talk is that there’s even less tonal control than she has out loud. There’s a slight irritation to her response, though she tries to make it teasing:]
Eren… it’s all right. I said I’m not going anywhere.
[And a less intentional share: I’ve made it on my own plenty…]
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[Oof. Right in the uselessness.]
When you wake up, I want to learn.
You’ve already saved me plenty… I’ll fight for you, too.
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[She can't see what he's dreaming about - not this time. It's one he's had before - nearly every time he's been allowed to dream, it's been this. Aubrey, his wife; Eren, a Scout.]
I don't want that for you...
Wait for me. That's enough.
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[“Wait for”…]
[He can’t see it, but her face softens. Tone, too; he’ll hear that.
[Without knowing his dream, she assumes something else.]
Eren… I didn’t say that, about going back, because you’re asleep and I’m going to leave you.
I just… I miss them. [Painfully. He might be familiar.
[And she worries. Has time passed without her? Then again, they don’t need her as much as she needed them. Never did. Maybe it’s indulgent.
[Detriment, detriment, detriment.]
[Focus, she tells herself. Back to Eren.]
But I’ll wait for you forever.
Always.
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I miss them too...
[In his dream, it's a strange amalgamation - fallen friends; Sasha, then Basil - even Mari - Hannes, his mother...countless others, fragments from what little he's seen of Aubrey's memories, mixed in along with his own. These faces may flash through Aubrey's mind.
[There's a groaning sound - that actually comes from Eren's throat.]
They didn't deserve it.
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[Aubrey doesn’t quite recognize all the faces are coming from Eren; it’s always hard to think of people she misses without remembering the ones gone most of all. That they’re not, here… one remembering too little and the other, it seems, too much… it’s cruel. It feels cruel.]
[Eren’s groan wrenches her back to the present. At some point she closed her eyes; Aubrey opens them now, finding them bleary, and runs her knuckles gently down the side of Eren’s face. It’s supposed to be a shushing gesture, but she can’t bring herself to give that sentiment any sort of voice. There’s a lump in her throat.]
They didn’t.
[She imagines Armin, an ever-patient addition: None of us do. They all deserve so much more. But it’s not Aubrey’s feeling, really.]
They didn’t....
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