abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[A touch on the hand, and a voice saying, "Eren..." The dream is changing. Eren's face becomes pained again, his arms tightening around Aubrey even further. He can hear her, but he can't...see her?

[It's a whisper.]

Where did you go...?

[…Okay. Maybe she should wake him up.]

Eren… [Quiet, still nearly whispering; not much is needed, this close.] I’m right here.

"Eren..."

[They're under their tree in Shiganshina. Is this where they got married? He can't remember...]

"I'm right here."

[Eren's eyes open, glistening. He blinks tears down his cheeks; still half-asleep and faraway, he doesn't seem to notice. He stares at Aubrey.]

You...

[The face Eren looks back to might seem a continuation of his first dream: there’s no trace of the glaring ruse, and only a warm smile and loving relief remains. Aubrey’s own emotions overflow as she thumbs at Eren’s face, the trace of his tears past those deep red grooves.

[It really is him.]

You’re okay....

["You're okay..."

[She's okay.

[Aubrey's okay.

[He squeezes her as tightly as he can without hurting her, kissing her face one, two, three times before he thinks to stop himself.]

Where the hell did you go?

[He kisses her again, again. His words have no weight to them, no aggression. It's all relief; miserable, beautiful relief. He thought--]

I thought I'd never see you again.

[Now, this—this is the barrage of kisses Aubrey likes. She’s barely started to return them when Eren talks, and when he pauses just long enough for a reply, she takes his face in both hands and answers first with a kiss herself—longer, adoring.

[Aubrey’s still smiling when that’s complete, much as her brow creases in a leftover fret.] Me too.... I’ve been so worried about you.

[It goes without saying, but… she doesn’t want to bring the reason in just yet. How much does he remember? And how is he—are they—back here?]

[For the moment, all Eren can focus on is that Aubrey's here, and they're safe, and they're together. He hated that cell. He felt like he was dying. How long did he sit there, rotting?

[He doesn't want to think about that right now. Still, the edges of his mind are blurred with the memory. He kisses Aubrey again - longer, adoring. God, adoring. He adores her. When she's gone, he misses her like she were dead. He doesn't care if they're fighting, or if she loves him, or if he hates her, or if they're broken, or if they're stuck, or if they're monsters. He wants her. He needs her. He can't let her out of his sight again.]

I love you.

[It sounds urgent.]

[Something about his tone strikes a chord. It’s not the best one.]

I love you, too— [Almost urgent, in turn, before the memory can catch up.] I love you so much—

[She kisses him again, and admittedly, it’s a stall. It didn’t work for long, before, and when she releases she speaks immediately:]

Is something wrong? [Aubrey holds his face, holds him, studies him. She’s worried for him.] You can talk to me…

[Aubrey takes his face, her question so blunt and immediate that it leaves him slightly stunned. He answers without even having to think about it; just sort of lets go of the words before he can stop himself from being honest.]

I don't want us to be apart anymore. I don't care what the circumstances are. I want you with me.

Always.

[It’s a dangerous moment. He’s so stunned, and Aubrey’s taken off-guard in turn by the bluntness of his response; she could almost agree. They’ve been apart for so long…]

I… I want you, too. Always. [Just saying what they want; that’s not dishonest. She’s talking without consideration, despite the initial hesitance; more danger, but surely less so than leaving blanks in silence?] Every time you disappear, I just— I don’t want to find you bleeding out anymore. I need to know you’re safe.

[Ahh… it’s true and, somehow, evasive. Who knew....]

I need to know that you’re safe.

[Is he imagining that she seems…off, somehow?]

I don’t know where you were. [There’s an implied “but…”]

I couldn’t have reached you if I tried.

[He looks genuinely disturbed by this.

[That bitch - Aubrey’s friend. Thinking about her makes him grit his teeth; he doesn’t want to go there yet.]

[They just reunited.
[They just reunited.

[Anything for a few more seconds— But, well, she asked what was wrong, and he’s telling her, and he’s gritting his teeth about something. Aubrey should know painful memories aren’t fun to talk about. She will not let this spiral, she will not go cold again, and she will do the goddamn job she swore she would, as best as she possibly can.]

[Aubrey closes her eyes for a moment and inhales, deep. Eren’s scent calms her heart before it can race again.

[She wills herself to keep looking at him, after that.] Listen. I don’t want to make you talk about anything you’re not ready to. I just…

I don’t know how to approach it. [She hates how… afraid, and helpless, she sounds to herself. Not like it’s the first time....] I don’t want this to go haywire again.

[Eren doesn't want it to go haywire again either. Here he is, lying in Aubrey's embrace, pleasantly warm in the chilly Barracks. Even so, the memory of the prison still leaks into his subconscious drop by drop. Rage threatens to stiffen his muscles, make his grip uncomfortable - he fights this off as best he can.

[Worse still than the rage, he feels something more deeply unsettling. He feels the brokenness of his heart and of his spirit; the way he felt, curled up on himself, screaming into the darkness for what felt like hours. His voice is still raw and hoarse, nearly gone. He mirrors Aubrey's deep breath. He doesn't want them to crumble again. Not yet. He just got her back. But the demons are loud.]

You know about your friend.

[Armin made it sound like they'd all been together, anyway.]

Right?

[She’ll follow his lead, then. His mirrored breath tells her he’s trying, too, even as his question surprises her again. It doesn’t sound like a good thing.]

I… do....

Why…?

[He can't keep his voice from going a little hollow when he asks:]

Do you know what she did?

[Aubrey shivers. That’s not good, either.]

…I don’t.

[There's a moment of hesitation. He really is trying. He wants to stay calm if he can. Control yourself. It's easier said than done.]

I still don't know what set you off. [It's an honest statement, and there's more than a little pain behind it.]

I sat in that cell for days. [It felt like days, anyway.] I tried to break out, but I couldn't.

[His body does tense now, the left hand flexing, clenching, unclenching. He must have bitten himself a hundred times.]

Your friend showed up. She closed me in.

[The sound of the metal, grating slowly across the stone.]

I don't know why. [He's always been a monster. Why now?] I didn't do a goddamn thing to her.

["Or to you," he feels like saying.]

All the lights were gone. I felt like I would die.

And I saw you. But you weren't there.

[Aubrey should really stop thinking she can prepare herself for anything.

[His first statement throws her, and the rest leaves no room for recovery. As Eren talks, tense and pained, Aubrey holds him tighter, even as her head spins. She feels ill.

[It’s not because she doesn’t believe it. She was readying herself for denial, not this consuming, revolting connection. It’s the way Mari got evasive the second Eren came up, how she and Armin talked around him; the feeling Aubrey was being lied to, even after Mari swore she wasn’t. It’s how all this happened before Aubrey said any real word about Eren, just that they were friends—ah, but that was more than enough, wasn’t it?

[It’s the voice. That faint, second voice, right before Eren’s plea, calling Aubrey’s name in unison. They were somewhere together.

[It makes sense.
[Mari saw him caged like an animal, and she closed him in.]

[And what Eren goes back to, what seems to hurt him most, is that Aubrey wasn’t there.]

[Hell, she’d almost rather he focused on her friend. Let that betrayal gnaw at her. But he doesn’t, and Aubrey remembers how quickly he went cold when she shoved him away, and she looks at him in dreadful understanding, an apology for so much more than she can find the words for—and she pulls him close, tighter.]

I’m here now.... [Her voice wavers. She’ll explain, she’ll try to explain, if only the world will stop spinning for just a second. For now, Aubrey holds Eren like they’ll never be close again.] I’m here… I’m not going anywhere.

[Eren and Aubrey aren't exemplary communicators (Eren especially), but the expression on her face reads loud and clear, and he takes the apology to heart as much as he can. It's not that Eren is opposed to forgiveness when the situation allows for it; it's just that most don't.

[Can either of them ever truly forgive each other for the last conversation they had? He's not sure of that. He's not even sure that either of them would truly want to. Aubrey and he are as complex as they are desperate for each other.

[Still, her comfort is a balm. It leaves him feeling oddly emotional. When he reflects back on his life, there are very few moments he can recall that reflect tenderness like this. His mother, maybe, but that was such a long time ago. Mikasa and Armin, certainly, but there was never much room for that sort of thing even with them.

[The beast, for now, is assuaged. His grip around Aubrey loosens just slightly into something more comfortable. Absently - subconsciously, really - his nails drag up and down her back.]

We have to learn to stay together...

[His voice is quiet, contemplative, but calm. Numbness still looms, but Aubrey's warmth keeps it at bay for the moment. How long can they keep this up?]

Even when we can't stand each other. I don't care.

[Forgiveness is hardly on Aubrey’s mind at all. Even for that brief, fleeting evening when things might have turned around… well, maybe it should have been implicit in “it’s okay” or “we’ve all made mistakes,” but Aubrey can’t hear it that way. She doesn’t deserve it. And she can’t quite give it, either; she couldn’t to them, and she can’t to Eren now, even as his nails on her back seem to plead for it.

[There’s an apology, and there’s hurt, and with time and some scrap of mercy it fades into a scar. That’s what Aubrey knows.]

[She knows his seemingly endless kisses, pins and needles between declarations of love and hate strangled together, will stay with her forever.]

[Eren’s voice is calmer now. With the panic at bay, feeling seeps back into Aubrey. It’s warm. It’s atrocious.]

[She keeps holding him.]
I don’t know how much we can help it. [A quiet, repulsive admision.]

Before, when I got… set off… [Less whispered, now, and gripping Eren closer still—] …the world took you away from me.

[At this, a perplexed and pained expression. Give him a little more time, and the anger will return. Right now it’s all hurt; the way she shoved him away, shouted, ran. Why? All because…?]

That’s all…?

No, no, it’s— [She rests her head against his chest, listens for his heartbeat. With his expression like that, any second now she expects to be thrown from his arms again, and maybe this time really will be the last.] It’s so stupid, in retrospect—

It went dark. You went hollow, like an illusion; and there was another you, younger. One of the shadows. And that shadow kept taunting— like you weren’t safe, like I shouldn’t trust you. And— [“Myself.” It always goes back to that.] —listen, that wasn’t what scared me.

[Her left hand closes in on itself, gripping, clenching. It wasn’t the child; it wasn’t the blade; it wasn’t even the darkness, with the statuesque facsimile of the Eren she wants so desperately to know.

[Aubrey’s not done yet, but the rest catches. She should have been more upfront when they were cold, when she had nothing left to lose. Now she gets to fucking hate herself for what she’s about to say. Surely it’s a matter of time before yet another blade drops.]

[Faintly, for now she musters this:] I think… it was my fault that happened at all.

[”Like you weren’t safe.”

[”Like I shouldn’t trust you.”]

[”I’m sick of being treated like a monster”

[Eren doesn’t realize the memory’s been shared - only a quick flash.]

What do you mean?

Edited 2023-10-21 00:16 (UTC)

[It’s not right. It’s not his fault.

[Aubrey feels like a monster. Now it makes sense. Oh, fuck it, just drop the blade—]

I lied to myself about you. And I don’t— even if you’re capable of monstrous things, I don’t care, [and here she meets his eyes, even if they’re hurt and angry,] because I know you’re human and I still love you.

I still want you to stay. I still want… to help you. And I never want to hurt you again. [Yet it’s not something she can promise, because that’s who she is, and that’s what this relationship has become. Always has been, in a way…

[Her voice breaks.] I’m sorry....

PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

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1/2 - dream

2/2 - awake!

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memory starts at 0:30

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