abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[It’s the prison. It’s the cage.]

[The last, clearest thing that Aubrey remembers is pouring her heart out to Mari and Armin, Eren’s gut-wrenching scream, and then—nothing. Nothing. Attempts to go back, to the restaurant to the store to the dark prison, to him—all futile. She would have rather been unconscious.

[What’s the goddamn point of a promise if the world won’t let her keep it?
[Why let her hear him if she can’t reach him?]

[When he kissed her again and again, impassioned and loveless and burning, Aubrey was certain, is still certain, that things might never get better than that. Maybe her silly little vow was just another attempt to delay the inevitable. Grief never cares if you’re ready for it; she should know this by now.

[It’s mourning, she thinks, that brings her back to the barracks. Aubrey senses she’s there even with her eyes closed; it was the last time she laid on anything so soft. Crueler still, it feels as though she’s not wrapped in blankets but Eren’s arms; that it’s really him breathing, steady, sleeping and shivering around her. His scent, his skin, his warmth.]

[…Can illusions be warm? Dare she get her hopes up? God, it doesn’t matter. Aubrey curls herself into she shape of Eren Jaeger, and as long as this world will indulge her, she won’t resist it.]

[He dreams of her. He dreams of…Trost, is it? “Home” in one sense - not so much in the other. He’s still nineteen, but he’s wearing his old Scout uniform. It doesn’t feel like a dream. He’s lying in the back of one of the carts, feeling heavy and exhausted, his arm draped over his eyes to block the sun. He’s just coming to. His side is aching. Did he get hurt on the expedition?

[His wife is going to kill him…

[A voice breaks through the crowd.]

“Eren. Eren Jaeger. Don’t play stupid— No, I won’t settle down!”

[Eren groans as he pushes himself up from where he’s lying and scans the crowd. Sure enough, Aubrey’s got one of his comrades by the arm, threatening to halt the entire precession.]

Aubrey. [He tries to call out to her, but his voice is hoarse. She spots him anyway, and then she’s scrambling through the crowd until she can hoist herself into the cart.]

“Jack ass!”

[She throws her arms around him.]

[Eren’s still asleep. His brow furrows, expression pained. His arms curl more tightly around Aubrey, fingers lacing themselves through her hair. He presses his nose against the top of her head, a shiver rippling through him. His grip remains gentle, warm, tender, but continues to tighten all the same.]

[Aubrey pulls away from him long enough to hold his face in her hands and glare - relief. Eren tucks his finger under her chin and kisses her.]

I told you, Aubrey. I’ll always come back to you...

[His grip is the first clue. Calloused fingers soft through her hair, a hot breath on her head. The shadows have never…

[“I told you, Aubrey. I’ll always come back to you…”

[She’s heard him soft. Never like this. No pretense, no bluff, no hesitation. A reassurance so tender she knows in her heart it’s true, even if he didn’t say it out loud.]

Eren....

[It slips out with a breath. Aubrey doesn’t dare break this fantasy—but she’s never been good at controlling herself, and reaches to stroke his hand all the same. It’s a delicate touch; a risk, an indulgence. It’s him.]

[A touch on the hand, and a voice saying, "Eren..." The dream is changing. Eren's face becomes pained again, his arms tightening around Aubrey even further. He can hear her, but he can't...see her?

[It's a whisper.]

Where did you go...?

[…Okay. Maybe she should wake him up.]

Eren… [Quiet, still nearly whispering; not much is needed, this close.] I’m right here.

"Eren..."

[They're under their tree in Shiganshina. Is this where they got married? He can't remember...]

"I'm right here."

[Eren's eyes open, glistening. He blinks tears down his cheeks; still half-asleep and faraway, he doesn't seem to notice. He stares at Aubrey.]

You...

[The face Eren looks back to might seem a continuation of his first dream: there’s no trace of the glaring ruse, and only a warm smile and loving relief remains. Aubrey’s own emotions overflow as she thumbs at Eren’s face, the trace of his tears past those deep red grooves.

[It really is him.]

You’re okay....

["You're okay..."

[She's okay.

[Aubrey's okay.

[He squeezes her as tightly as he can without hurting her, kissing her face one, two, three times before he thinks to stop himself.]

Where the hell did you go?

[He kisses her again, again. His words have no weight to them, no aggression. It's all relief; miserable, beautiful relief. He thought--]

I thought I'd never see you again.

[Now, this—this is the barrage of kisses Aubrey likes. She’s barely started to return them when Eren talks, and when he pauses just long enough for a reply, she takes his face in both hands and answers first with a kiss herself—longer, adoring.

[Aubrey’s still smiling when that’s complete, much as her brow creases in a leftover fret.] Me too.... I’ve been so worried about you.

[It goes without saying, but… she doesn’t want to bring the reason in just yet. How much does he remember? And how is he—are they—back here?]

[For the moment, all Eren can focus on is that Aubrey's here, and they're safe, and they're together. He hated that cell. He felt like he was dying. How long did he sit there, rotting?

[He doesn't want to think about that right now. Still, the edges of his mind are blurred with the memory. He kisses Aubrey again - longer, adoring. God, adoring. He adores her. When she's gone, he misses her like she were dead. He doesn't care if they're fighting, or if she loves him, or if he hates her, or if they're broken, or if they're stuck, or if they're monsters. He wants her. He needs her. He can't let her out of his sight again.]

I love you.

[It sounds urgent.]

[Something about his tone strikes a chord. It’s not the best one.]

I love you, too— [Almost urgent, in turn, before the memory can catch up.] I love you so much—

[She kisses him again, and admittedly, it’s a stall. It didn’t work for long, before, and when she releases she speaks immediately:]

Is something wrong? [Aubrey holds his face, holds him, studies him. She’s worried for him.] You can talk to me…

[Aubrey takes his face, her question so blunt and immediate that it leaves him slightly stunned. He answers without even having to think about it; just sort of lets go of the words before he can stop himself from being honest.]

I don't want us to be apart anymore. I don't care what the circumstances are. I want you with me.

Always.

[It’s a dangerous moment. He’s so stunned, and Aubrey’s taken off-guard in turn by the bluntness of his response; she could almost agree. They’ve been apart for so long…]

I… I want you, too. Always. [Just saying what they want; that’s not dishonest. She’s talking without consideration, despite the initial hesitance; more danger, but surely less so than leaving blanks in silence?] Every time you disappear, I just— I don’t want to find you bleeding out anymore. I need to know you’re safe.

[Ahh… it’s true and, somehow, evasive. Who knew....]

I need to know that you’re safe.

[Is he imagining that she seems…off, somehow?]

I don’t know where you were. [There’s an implied “but…”]

I couldn’t have reached you if I tried.

[He looks genuinely disturbed by this.

[That bitch - Aubrey’s friend. Thinking about her makes him grit his teeth; he doesn’t want to go there yet.]

[They just reunited.
[They just reunited.

[Anything for a few more seconds— But, well, she asked what was wrong, and he’s telling her, and he’s gritting his teeth about something. Aubrey should know painful memories aren’t fun to talk about. She will not let this spiral, she will not go cold again, and she will do the goddamn job she swore she would, as best as she possibly can.]

[Aubrey closes her eyes for a moment and inhales, deep. Eren’s scent calms her heart before it can race again.

[She wills herself to keep looking at him, after that.] Listen. I don’t want to make you talk about anything you’re not ready to. I just…

I don’t know how to approach it. [She hates how… afraid, and helpless, she sounds to herself. Not like it’s the first time....] I don’t want this to go haywire again.

[Eren doesn't want it to go haywire again either. Here he is, lying in Aubrey's embrace, pleasantly warm in the chilly Barracks. Even so, the memory of the prison still leaks into his subconscious drop by drop. Rage threatens to stiffen his muscles, make his grip uncomfortable - he fights this off as best he can.

[Worse still than the rage, he feels something more deeply unsettling. He feels the brokenness of his heart and of his spirit; the way he felt, curled up on himself, screaming into the darkness for what felt like hours. His voice is still raw and hoarse, nearly gone. He mirrors Aubrey's deep breath. He doesn't want them to crumble again. Not yet. He just got her back. But the demons are loud.]

You know about your friend.

[Armin made it sound like they'd all been together, anyway.]

Right?

[She’ll follow his lead, then. His mirrored breath tells her he’s trying, too, even as his question surprises her again. It doesn’t sound like a good thing.]

I… do....

Why…?

[He can't keep his voice from going a little hollow when he asks:]

Do you know what she did?

[Aubrey shivers. That’s not good, either.]

…I don’t.

[There's a moment of hesitation. He really is trying. He wants to stay calm if he can. Control yourself. It's easier said than done.]

I still don't know what set you off. [It's an honest statement, and there's more than a little pain behind it.]

I sat in that cell for days. [It felt like days, anyway.] I tried to break out, but I couldn't.

[His body does tense now, the left hand flexing, clenching, unclenching. He must have bitten himself a hundred times.]

Your friend showed up. She closed me in.

[The sound of the metal, grating slowly across the stone.]

I don't know why. [He's always been a monster. Why now?] I didn't do a goddamn thing to her.

["Or to you," he feels like saying.]

All the lights were gone. I felt like I would die.

And I saw you. But you weren't there.

[Aubrey should really stop thinking she can prepare herself for anything.

[His first statement throws her, and the rest leaves no room for recovery. As Eren talks, tense and pained, Aubrey holds him tighter, even as her head spins. She feels ill.

[It’s not because she doesn’t believe it. She was readying herself for denial, not this consuming, revolting connection. It’s the way Mari got evasive the second Eren came up, how she and Armin talked around him; the feeling Aubrey was being lied to, even after Mari swore she wasn’t. It’s how all this happened before Aubrey said any real word about Eren, just that they were friends—ah, but that was more than enough, wasn’t it?

[It’s the voice. That faint, second voice, right before Eren’s plea, calling Aubrey’s name in unison. They were somewhere together.

[It makes sense.
[Mari saw him caged like an animal, and she closed him in.]

[And what Eren goes back to, what seems to hurt him most, is that Aubrey wasn’t there.]

[Hell, she’d almost rather he focused on her friend. Let that betrayal gnaw at her. But he doesn’t, and Aubrey remembers how quickly he went cold when she shoved him away, and she looks at him in dreadful understanding, an apology for so much more than she can find the words for—and she pulls him close, tighter.]

I’m here now.... [Her voice wavers. She’ll explain, she’ll try to explain, if only the world will stop spinning for just a second. For now, Aubrey holds Eren like they’ll never be close again.] I’m here… I’m not going anywhere.

[Eren and Aubrey aren't exemplary communicators (Eren especially), but the expression on her face reads loud and clear, and he takes the apology to heart as much as he can. It's not that Eren is opposed to forgiveness when the situation allows for it; it's just that most don't.

[Can either of them ever truly forgive each other for the last conversation they had? He's not sure of that. He's not even sure that either of them would truly want to. Aubrey and he are as complex as they are desperate for each other.

[Still, her comfort is a balm. It leaves him feeling oddly emotional. When he reflects back on his life, there are very few moments he can recall that reflect tenderness like this. His mother, maybe, but that was such a long time ago. Mikasa and Armin, certainly, but there was never much room for that sort of thing even with them.

[The beast, for now, is assuaged. His grip around Aubrey loosens just slightly into something more comfortable. Absently - subconsciously, really - his nails drag up and down her back.]

We have to learn to stay together...

[His voice is quiet, contemplative, but calm. Numbness still looms, but Aubrey's warmth keeps it at bay for the moment. How long can they keep this up?]

Even when we can't stand each other. I don't care.

PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

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1/3 - a dream

2/3 - asleep

3/3 - a dream

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1/2 - dream

2/2 - awake!

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memory starts at 0:30

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