abandonhumanity | PSL / MEME CONTINUATION

[She...?

[Cold dread. She lied? Lied about what? About everything?

[No. She couldn't have. This universe doesn't allow them to lie like that - doesn't allow him to, anyway. He's been more honest with Aubrey than he's ever been in his goddamn life, and she--

[Slowly, he turns his head to face her properly. Surely this must be hatred that he's feeling; betrayal without a name. Eren isn't much a fan of traitors.]

About what?

I lied when I said I wanted to stay here forever.

That I didn’t want to go home.

That… I wouldn’t give anything… to see my friends’ broken faces again.

Just… lying to myself. [The slightest shake of her head.] And lying to you, by extension.

[A pause, if he’ll allow one. Long inhale. And, slowly, she raises her head to face him. Whatever Eren’s expression, Aubrey doesn’t have the energy to respond to it.

[Yet she can at least look him in the eyes while she twists the knife.]

But I’d be lying if I said I hated you. Or that I want to hate you.

Or that I don’t love you. Still.

[They’re not the most impassioned words. But the coldness has drained, and she’s just tired. So, so tired…]

[Eren stares at her. He listens. He doesn't interrupt. And by the end of it, he's positive that hate is what he's feeling.

[So, he was right. Of course he was right. At the end of the day, all anyone wants to do is go home, right? And he offered to give that to Aubrey. He would have stopped at nothing. It isn't that part that disturbs Eren...

[But he does feel lied to. Because Aubrey spoke to him in soft tones, held his face, said "together" like it was a sacred word; Aubrey gave him hope. Bastard hope, foolish hope, rotten hope. Aubrey felt like freedom. Aubrey loved him. He loved her.

[There's no worse fate in the world than being loved by Eren Jaeger. Aubrey has made that very clear. A cold "I love you" is just as heart-rending as an exhausted "I'd be lying if I said I don't love you".

[A monster is a monster is a monster. There's no reprieve. He should know that by now.

[His voice is black with bitterness.]

Then I will find a way to get you home, Aubrey. Just like I promised.

And you...

[Tired or not, he is intent on locking her gaze. If she doesn't want to look at him, he will look through her until she's burning.]

Never. Tell me you love me. Again.

[She takes his gaze. And it’d be a lie to say what he demands doesn’t plunge through the shell of what’s left, scraping and grasping at the only semblance of warmth that remains. It’d be a lie if it didn’t show on her face, an involuntary flash, more crushed and broken than Eren’s seen her yet—and have they been through a lot.]

[Aubrey doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want him to take her home. She thinks she wants him to kill her. But asking outright is too crass.]

I’m tired of lying.

[She holds him as she burns alive.]

I love you.

[That brief, broken flash; nothing new for Eren, but on Aubrey's face, it feels like he's staring at the mouth of Hell.

[She holds him. She holds him. He feels like he could tear her apart. 'Don't touch me!' He wants to scream it.

[And then she says, "I love you."]

Shut up!

[He reels away from her, yanking hard on the chain attached to his wrist in a frenzied attempt to break it. He can't get far enough away from Aubrey now. Not if she's going to do that. Not if she's going to look him in the eye and say--]

I don't give a shit if you're telling the truth. Don't say it anymore. I don't want to hear it out of your fucking mouth!

[She doesn’t… want to desecrate those words, anymore. They’ve done their job and then some. If this world wasn’t binding them Aubrey is certain she’d never see Eren again, the way he’s pulling and frenzying and barking—

[The chain is short. The more Eren struggles the shorter, tighter it seems to get. Aubrey’s hand pulses numb. There’s no escape from this.]

[She doesn’t reach for him; it’s impossible to keep distant. She studies his face.

[She never has been good at listening to him.]

I love you, Eren Jaeger. I always will.

[The chain, growing ever shorter, pins him in place. He can't so much as punch the concrete. His body lurches and freezes with no place to go. All he can do is snarl and froth like a caged animal-- FUCK. Is he ever tired of feeling caged.

[His words drip acid.]

Say it like it doesn't kill you, Aubrey. Say it like you don't wish you'd never met me. Say that or shut up.

Eren… [She almost wants to laugh.] That’s just it.

It does kill me. Sometimes I do wish I’d never met you.

[Her voice goes, just a bit, soft. She feels like she’s mourning. He should have kicked her and, however temporarily, been done with this.] I love you, anyway.

[What...was he expecting, exactly?

[The writhing stops. He feels like a lung has been punctured, the air slowly leaking out of his chest.

[Of course. He always knew. There's only one way to love Eren Jaeger, and it's this. It's miserable. It's trying to tame a monster and wondering why it keeps snapping its jaws at you. It's putting your trust in mutual destruction. It's the world, burning, and all you can do is think about the guy holding the matchbook.

[Something small inside of him recoils. Has it always been this way? Didn't his mother hold his face in her hands and say, "I love you"? She was happy enough with Eren, wasn't she? She never looked at him like he was a monster. She never knew the monster he'd become...

[As for the rest of them? They're either dead due to Eren, or about to be. He is the common denominator. He is the root. He is the end of the fucking world.

[Of course Aubrey wishes she'd never met him. She'd be crazy not to.

[It cleaves a wound that no regeneration ability can touch. He will always know this pain, this pain, this terrible pain.

[The tension floods out of his body. His expression becomes even. His eyes dull like the last breath of life has been drawn out of him. He sits still, facing forward. He's tired.]

The nature of a detriment, I guess.

[His voice is as hollow as an echo.]

I love you too, Aubrey.

[It isn't revenge, the cold sentiment. He isn't doing it to hurt her. It's the horrible, miserable truth.]

[Guilt.

[Grief.

[Hardly strangers to Aubrey. They twist in the hollow husk of her heart as Eren goes still; inseparable as the chain that binds them.]

[Animals, really. Cruel. Dumb, foolish monsters.]

[She just wanted him to kill her. But they’re too similar for that. A dance in reverse.]

[“I love you too, Aubrey.”
How sweet. How detrimental.
She cups his dull, exhausted face in her free hand and leans in, very briefly, to kiss him.

[What a joke.]

We’re even.

[She kisses him. He hates her. He kisses her back. He loves her.

[A joke indeed. There was never any freedom in Aubrey. He stares down at the chains binding them together. She's a prison in her own right; captivity is all Eren Jaeger has ever known.

[He kisses her again. He hates her. Again. He loves her.]

We will never be even.

[He saved her life. She saved his. This is how they repent.]

[The kisses are unexpected. They’re everything. She’ll drown in this, instead, voluntarily and wholly.]

You’re right. [A word between each, if even that. A gasp for air.]

I can’t hate you.

[Even now.]

[He kisses her again.]

I can.

[Again. His hand comes up to weave through her hair, to grip the back of her head so he can kiss her again. Again.]

I can do both.

And I do hate you.

[Another kiss. Another.]

And I do love you.

[He'll kiss her as many times as she'll let him.]

This is Hell. And you're stuck with me.

[There’s no love in that grip. Is there? God. Who cares. She’ll let him do whatever he wants.]

[It’s not the worst way to drown. She deserves less.]

[Aubrey has lost the right to act like Eren is stuck with her. So, silent, she grabs back at him, allowing it, returning it, shutting her eyes as each kiss, each word, finds a new way to break her heart.]

[It’s almost as good as dying.]

[Anger gives way to a duller type of misery as Eren breaks away from the last kiss. He releases his grip on her skull, his arm falling limp at his side, like it's too heavy to keep holding up. He feels a familiar rot settling in. None of it - hurtful words, hollow kisses, subtle threats - made him feel any less repulsive than when this conversation (if you can even call it that) began.

[He wants to turn his head away from her and finds that he can't.

[Aubrey. To think she'd been smiling and laughing only hours ago. And now she's dead.

[What lesson is the universe trying to teach them this time?]

Say something.

[His voice holds no warmth, no patience.]

Tell me why you brought us here.

[Seems there’s another constant: no matter what he says or does to her, when Eren lets go, it’s too soon. It’s a final gouge in its own right.

[Aubrey releases him in turn, loathing and craving his warmth. That he insists, insists on this torment—maybe that’s what she’s earned.]

[She’s tempted to not answer, just to piss him off. When was the last time that feeling stirred? Fuck, she misses his smiles, however small, while they lasted. She’s probably strangled them for good, now.]

[Thinking all this, having the energy again… This is dangerous. The water’s so close....]

To throw a party.

[Not funny. It still reeks of spilled guts.]

I don’t know. To fuck off and die.

Dammit.

[He’s growling again, though without much passion. He’s angry - angrier the more he thinks about what’s happened - but it’s still dull.]

Are you going to tell me what the hell happened? How long was I gone?

[Right. She never did explain that.]

I answered wrong. About who you are. [Aubrey scratches absently at her neck, where Eren’s protective hand once was. It’s an oxymoron, but she feels numb.] World reminded me.

It didn’t take long. [It was the longest void of her life—so far, anyway.]

["Loyal." "Strong." "Brave." Bullshit. Maybe he could have been something other than a monster, if only he'd been born into her world; but now, Aubrey disagrees. She's been reminded.

[He wants to go home. He wants to end it. Once and for all.]

You can boil it all down to "who you are", huh?

It would be easier to believe that, wouldn't it, Aubrey?

["It does kill me."

[When he speaks again, he finds his own tone hard to place. He isn't looking at her anymore. His eyes are set forward, still lifeless. Still chained, his hand flexes and strains; clenching, unclenching, twisting, untwisting.]

I might be a monster, but I'm everything you saw too.

Let that kill you.

You’re not getting it, are you?

[It comes out strangely… angry? sympathetic? both? Still not impassioned. But flirting with it.

[Aubrey hasn’t stopped watching Eren. She doesn’t need to leave his face to hear his hand straining.]

I’d be wrong to say you’re nothing but a hero. And I’d be wrong to call you a pure monster. You know you’re more than that.

[All those questions… all true, damningly, still.]

It’s not all about you. [Hypocrisy, thy name.]

["It's not all about you." A familiar sentiment; Eren's been told that in no uncertain terms plenty of times throughout his life. She's right, but he's angry, and so, he can't see that. There's somewhere, maybe, deep inside of him that worries about the hand or about her mental state, infinitely more wounded. He can't seem to dredge that up right now.

[But the sensation does lap upon his shores, just a little bit.]

You made this about me. I am a passenger.

[In some ways, it really feels that way. One moment, things were kind and light. Hell, they even talked their way through a memory with little to no incident. They were fine. And now, everything's fallen apart, and due to what? Eren simply being who he is?]

[He’s right, too, and Aubrey’s gnawed raw enough to recognize it. All she has left is this disgusting, brutal honesty, pungent as the blood seeping through the wood not far away.]

Because you’re more than a “passenger.” [Again with that tone, adrift on the shoreline.] You’ve only ever been you.

[Is that an accusation? A declaration? Aubrey knows damn well it explains nothing, and maybe she owes him more than that. But she already twisted herself into something unrecognizable, trying to forget everything that ever irked her about him—just so she could love him. Looking back, it’s terrifying. (That she tried? That, imperceptibly but suddenly all at once, she started to care?) Maybe it didn’t have to be him, but it was. And he’d call her an idiot for it all, she’s sure.

[She still loves him. She still wants to love him.

[Isn’t that fucking enough?]

Back when we first talked… you said you wanted to know my reasoning. That was all.

[Her focus drifts to that lifeless room. Maybe it did have to be Eren, actually. He told her exactly what she needed—in all the wrong ways.

[Shame she hasn’t stopped wanting to drown.]

Is that really true?

[Cold and matter-of-fact:]

I wanted to know why you treated your friend badly - if you even had a reason.

[There's point in trying to hide their similarities this far in. After everything they've been through? He's not too proud to say what comes next.]

I thought I might relate to you.

[A joyless huff, with that.]

And I said it was a bunch of stupid pictures.

That’s not false. But, you know…

[At this Aubrey stands, much as the chain will allow. She doesn’t move otherwise.]

I think I’m just selfish. [“Just.” Eren is cold again, and for what? Because she couldn’t take a little shadow-play? Because facing her own illusions is killing her? Pathetic.] I think I break everyone I love.

[She meets Eren’s eyes, for this; or at least stares through him.] You weren’t wrong.

[Eren does meet her eyes. In that moment, he loves her more than he hates her; he’s not entirely sure why. Still, his expression remains soulless]

Then we are the same.

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